Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again "I'll think about it tomorrow!"

That's right, Duchess. It's all about what works. Finding what works is another story, isn't it! Seems like it changes all the time. Then when I decide I'm not going to worry about what is or isn't working for the time-being -- THAT works. Geeze!!

Right now the only thing that matters to me is that my H still desires me. Is his libedo lower than in the past -- perhaps. He is under a lot of stress. Remember, he hates his job. Things will probably not get completely back to "normal" until he resolves that problem. In the past year + his self-esteem has taken a beating, personally and professionally. I'm working on helping to rebuild his self-esteem on the home front, but I can't do anything about the work problem.

I'm in a pretty good place right now (hope the hormones don't kick in any time soon!!). I feel much more confident in just standing back and letting H take the time to heal himself. I still need to work on healing myself, also. There are times, though, like last night, when we are able to comfort each other for a short time that I think makes our individual healing process easier to manage.

Matilda

Your last post is exactly what I refer to as "normal", isn't it, Matilda.

H and W not worrying about what works and what doesn't. When one needs some emotional support, the other gives it. When support is offered, it's accepted.

Yup. When you can achieve "normal", it works.

Andy

Hi Mattie,

Im still alive and still lurking. I, as usual, have been real busy here lately. Im about to go take my final exam for this summer class I've been taking. There will be alot of relieved stress when this class is over. Alot of material is crammed into a summer's class (15 weeks done in 4), so it has been intense. Although stressful, it doesnt give me much time to think about "it". And here lately when it does cross my mind it disappears so fast that I hardly have time to dwell on it.

Oh how right all of you were when you said the pain would fade in time. To be honest, 3-4 months ago I didnt believe any of you when you all told me that. How wrong I was, thankfully. I have come to the realization that this did happen, and there is no escaping it. I believe this has been a major step in my recovery process. Just accepting the facts that it has happened to me, yes me. Its that plain and simple. After doing so, it seems as if Im ready to lay all this behind me and really move forward with the attitude if it works, it works. If it doesn't, Montana cant say he never tried. I truly believe this is all the W wants from me. Just to give us a chance to see how things turn out. I know personally that it would break her heart for me to give up so easily, even though I have every right to. I've also realized after having a few calm and pleasant conversations about the past that the relationship meant absolutely nothing to her. No gifts, ILY's or anything of that nature ever occurred. Guess it wouldnt make any difference had they did, for there is nothing I could do about it anyway. But that in a nutshell is where Im at. Ive accepted it, finally, and have come to the realization that our M might not survive. I feel like I need to try my hardest for it to work though, if nothing else my S needs us both. Plus the W said it would "kill her soul" if I left her. You know what? I believe her. In time she would eventually get over it, but it wouldnt be easy on her.

Now back to you, Im glad you are finding pieces here and there of normalcy. I hope you find it every day. Believe it or not, when I come here and read about you, lily, pfroglady, Andy and whoever else and see when you are hurting, I hurt also. I guess we all share in each others pain somewhat. Thats another reason I havent been around as much. Sometimes you dont need to be reminded of why you ever came here in the 1st place. By no means am I copping out on you guys, but I think you understand what Im saying. We all need a break from thinking about it.

Cant wait to see the title of your new thread (Babe) . Please be patient and start it with a positive attitude, and not when you're feeling down. I dont think anyone will call the BB police on you if it goes on past 100 posts.

Take care Mattie, Lily, pfroglady, Andy and all you other great people.

Montana

Well, today is my birthday. I started the day with the knowledge that my H thinks he doesn't love me. He told me that last Thursday. I don't know why he seems to be spiraling downward. Maybe it's as Lily said above, now that he doesn't have to concentrate so much on my feelings he's having to start really doing some soul searching. I think he's asked himself once to often, "how could I have done this if I really loved Matilda." He also said he didn't want to stay married feeling the way he does. If I remember correctly, that goes back to his feelings about himself, what he's done, and how it's so hard to have to face me still. During this conversation the lights were on in the bedroom. He asked if he could turn them off. I said, no, I wanted to look at him while we talked. He told me, "you don't know how it makes me feel to have you look at me."

Anyway, we talked about how we both had work to do on ourselves; how the love is probably still there - just buried under all the crap. H seemed to grab onto that one. I also mentioned the analogy of if there is still an ember of love that it can be fanned back into a flame, and then into a roaring fire. That also made a lot of sense to him.

I told him I would try to take the pressure off of him by not saying ILY or expecting anything at all from him. I'm not sure he liked that too much.

H - "Are we supposed to just live together?"

M - "No. I think we just go on the way we've been, but each knowing where we stand." I told him this really took the pressure off me, too, because sometimes I've done or said things that I haven't really felt in order to make him feel better about himself. That gave him pause, also.

I tried to explain to him that we should try to act-as-if we had those feelings again and that maybe that would start making us think differently and really BE in love again.

We went to a wedding out of town over the weekend. Before we left, H gave me part of my birthday present, as he thought I might want to take it with me. I did. He also gave me a very nice B'day card that said how much he loved me -- he just signed it "your hub." Always in the past he's signed it "ILU." Almost started crying, but I held it together.

The weekend was wonderful. H was very attentive to me, and I to him. Everything was "normal." Saturday night I was a little drunk, and I told him "I like you." (Instead of ILU). We laughed. We made love.

At the wedding, he was in charge of video taping so he didn't even sit with me during the ceremony. He felt bad about that, said, "At least let me escort you to your seat before I get started."

H HATES to dance, but he put down the recorder several times during the event in order to dance with me. The first time was to a very romantic song and the DJ called out all those who were "In love." We danced. Maybe he felt obligated because of all our friends and family being there watching. During that dance I looked up at him and said, "I know I said I wouldn't say ILU for a while, but I do." He smiled and kissed me!!

Another time they called for all those in love to dance and H was waiting for a drink at the bar. I don't think he heard what was going on -- I know my H!! My youngest S said, "Hey, where's dad? You guys should be dancing." I said, "That's okay. We've danced. I need to go out for some air anyway."

The wedding was on a ship. I went out on the back deck to cool off. H came out and said, "Let's dance." I told him that wasn't really necessary. He took me in his arms and said, "we'll dance right here."

A couple of other times while dance H kissed me.

We were exhausted when we got back to the hotel. H had a pretty good buzz on -- made a couple of comments (won't go into that now - blushing), about how he'd like to do "stuff". Things started heating up when our friends knocked on the door and said they were taking left-overs from the wedding out to the pool to eat. They wanted us to join them.

30 minutes later, we did!! Had a nice rest of the evening out there with friends and family. Went back to our room, took showers. I was really exhausted by then. H apparently wasn't. Finally got to sleep 2 hours later .

Oh, another thing. We bought a car on Saturday. It's 1 yr old. Beautiful Chrysler 300M. H was really excited about the great deal we got on it (and it truely was). Bought it from a private party. We picked it up on our way home from the wedding Monday afternoon.

H has mentioned repeatedly what a great car this will be for "us." That if we just get 3-4 years out of it, it will be great. How much fun it would be for "us" to drive to Vegas. How it's not "his" car, but "our" car.

This morning he kissed me three times and told me happy B'day before leaving for work. He called when he got to work. He asked me what I'd like to do for dinner -- go out or have him fix dinner. Last night he wanted to know if I would like for him to bake me a b'day cake.

I don't know what you guys think, but this doesn't sound like a guy who doesn't love his W.

Oh, and I forgot, during the talk I mentioned above, he did say he'd be lying if he said he didn't have ANY feelings for me. I think maybe that' why he got excited about the idea that his love for me was just buried under all the other negative stuff he's feeling right now. Although at one point he did say he hasn't felt he's loved me for a long time (probably before the A). Isn't this pretty typical?

I got the lastest issue of the Marriage Builders newsletter yesterday. It had some interesting thoughts about getting those loving feelings back. I don't know how to link up to it. Maybe someone else can figure it out.

But #7, Just a Thought, was especially interesting. Spoke about how most of us fall out of love at some point and feel we will never be able to get those feelings back. But they can come back. We need to have a plan and stick to it.

It was written much better, of course. Hope you can link up and read it.

I e-mailed it to my H this morning. I hope I didn't put more pressure on him. I'm just trying to give him something to think about!!

I'll fill you all in later about the rest of my day.

Matilda

Ah, Love!!!!

Do you really think so, Lily?

I get scared sometimes that we won't find our way back to each other, and other times I feel like we already have.

He confuses me. Tells me so many different things. I try to remember how confused he must feel.

I have to remember to just go by his actions and not necessarily his words.

I've also noticed lately that H doesn't respond to the kids when they say ILY lately either. They always say ILY when saying good night, or when leaving for an outting. I've noticed that H rarely responds to them with ILY, too.

Maybe he feels he doesn't deserve their love, either.

Interestingly, I've been so intuned with "getting back our love" lately, that I haven't thought about the A or OW except that last week was the 1 yr anniversay of their demise. H did mention last week that he had thought about it/her the week before that. The reason was that he had received a flyer concerning the same convention they attended last year. He said unfortantely it did bring back thoughts of last year, but the feelings associated with those thoughts were of total disgust for himself and for the OW. I believe him. He volunteered that information.

I am at peace with everything right now. I will just continue to work on me, try to nurture my own loving feelings towards my H. What more can I do?

Matilda

Matilda from where I sit man oh man..go w the flow..I think it all sounds good.

Not saying things to make him feel better is key

I think.If he wants to feel crappy, guilty etc..let him feel the feelings..he must do that to come out whole.He has to struggle..you can't do it for him.

Mind you doesn't sound like he's doing a whole lotta struggling right now..

good work Matilda.

duchess

Andy,

Thank you for the B'day wishes. You remembered before I'd even posted this morning. That was very thoughtful of you.

Duchess,

It does sound pretty good on a whole, doesn't it. That certainly gives me a lot of hope.

Thanks, guys.

Matilda

((((((MATILDA)))))) BIRTHDAY HUGS!!!!
All the things that your H did sounds like a man in L-O-V-E to me !!!! It also sounds VERY ROMANTIC!!
I'll keep praying!!
Your Friend,Pfroglady