(((((MATILDA)))))!! Sorry I haven't been in touch with you. I have been keeping up with you though. I feel that I really can't offer you any advice or help you because our situations are so different. I notice that there are some people that really have an insight to your situation because they have similar experiences. They really seem to know just what to say to you and they are really offering some sound advice. I feel all I can do for you right now is let you know that I do think of you and I am continuing to pray for you and your H. I will keep checking in on you and will send you hugs and good thoughts and prayers!! Your friend, pfroglady
Gosh, I guess it's time for a new thread. I'm not sure what to title it, but right now I feel very optimistic so I'll try to think of something that reflects that mood.
I don't really need the "I'll think about it tomorrow" mantra anymore. I don't really think about the A much these days. I find I concentrate mostly on piecing our M back to a point of safety, security, and love for both of us. Sometimes I feel we've made great headway; sometimes I feel we've gone backwards a few steps. I guess this is the natural order of things.
I also have come to the realization that I must not analyze things so much. I've proffered that same advice to others. Now, I need to put it into practice for myself. Every interaction between my H and myself cannot be perfect. Life gets in the way sometimes. Outside influences can affect either one of our moods. In the spirit of DB'ing, I've tried to look at the small things that show progress. I think I've taken that to the extreme. Time to back off and enjoy the many positives in my life.
Yesterday H had a stress-echo. Got a clean bill of health as far as his heart goes. Has some PVC's, but there's nothing to be done about that. He was very relieved.
We went out to dinner with our best friends whose daughter is getting married this weekend. In the course of our conversation H replied to a statement I made a little more strongly than I felt was necessary. I guess he noticed reaction on my face and my body language, because he immediately changed his tone. I realized at that moment that he IS very focused on me and my feelings. His aggitated tone really had nothing to do with me, but he saw how it affected me and changed it. He's trying. And, so am I. In the past that situation would have caused me to give him the cold shoulder for hours. Not this time. I let it go and moved on. H noticed, I'm sure, and it got warmer and more affectionate as the evening wore on.
When we got home we watched t.v. for a little while. Then, out of the blue H said that a massage would sure feel good. We've been in the habit of giving each other massages for many months now -- once a week, taking turns. Sunday it was my turn for a massage. I was surprised that H would ask for one just two days later.
So, I gave him his massage. When it was time for bed he cuddled up and asked me if I wanted to "play." I was kind of surprised since we'd "played" in one form or another the last two nights. I asked him if he really wanted to and he said he didn't "need" it cuz of the night before, but he could be talked into it. He thought maybe I'd gotten my motor running from touching him while massaging him and he didn't want me to be left hanging (romantic devil!!).
So, in a complete about-face from the way I've been the past couple months, I said, "no, I'm fine. Why don't we wait until tomorrow night."
H - "Are you sure?"
M - "Yeah. You need your sleep. Go to sleep."
H rolled over to go to sleep and I settled in, also. I WAS perfectly fine. I really wasn't in the mood. However, I guess H had other ideas. He decided to take matters into his own hands (so to speak!). To make a long, but rather exciting story short, the evening ended blissfully
So, the lesson I've learned is if I back off a little H will step up to the plate. If I want him to do more to show his love and committment for me, I need to do a little less. He loves the attention and will just sit back and take as much as he can get for as long as he can get it. But, when I pull back a little he's more than willing to start giving.
The gist of all that, I guess, is that he's paying attention. Many times in past posts I've lamented on his selfishness. I'm not saying that he's not selfish, but when I look at the whole picture I can see that he's really trying to make me happy. He's paying attention and trying to meet my needs. Perhaps he's not doing it the way I'd like, but right now that's not so important. I've made a big deal out of him doing things my way and feeling like something must be wrong if he can't or won't. I don't feel the need to fight him on that anymore right now. Once he gets comfortable with himself again, I will pursue having my needs met the way I need them to be.
My PMA is definitely on the rise again, can you tell? I find this extremely positive considering that it was one year ago this week that H and the OW were in Florida at the same convention. This was the week that he ended it forever -- one year ago. This was the week he told her he wanted to work on his M; that he realized I loved him; and that he had never stopped loving me. She was angry, said, "You married guys are all the same." She knew she had been used. He did not need her anymore. He came home and we went to the beach for a week (the town where she lives). He said he felt free. He was glad to be free of it/her. That was one year ago this week.
Doesn't hurt quite as much to think about that stuff. I haven't said a word to H. I don't know if he even remembers that it was one year ago this week. I don't think he cares. I know he doesn't care. He doesn't want to remember. He wishes he never met her. I know that is true.
Sorry, gang. Didn't mean for this to be so long. Thanks for listening.
Matilda..this all sounds so good..as many people on this bb know I am a propronent of backing off..giving them space.
I smothered my kids and controlled my H for so long..that I had to back off and let em breathe.
I think many DBers make the mistake of thinking that backing off is like being cold..it's not IF you can do it lovingly..and it truly is a gift to the people you love.
I think you have found the right mixture of lovingly giving him space.
Wait a minute! Nothing works! Everything works! What's going on here?????
180's are great to kickstart things, but when you're trying to get things centred, there comes a time when you gotta move to the centre instead of pushing/pulling towards the extremes.
You're in that place, Matilda. You sound very centred, and your H sounds more centred than he's ever been.
But Andy she backed off w the sex thing.. then he became more relaxed..that's really what I was saying..
Pushing and pulling is a destructive thing to do..what is more constructive is to meet your partners needs sometimes for space..sometimes not.It's simply a matter of respect
Something you said a few posts up also hit home. I think we're both looking for a bit of normalcy. If I bring back a little of my old self, I think it makes H feel like things are getting back to normal. He doesn't have to analyze everything either. I'm also looking for what was "normal" for us before -- but with the added benefit of a little more clarity on how to meet each other's needs so we both feel loved, needed, and cherished.
Like you said before, it's all about balance. For the past few months H says I'm keeping him off balance. Interesting, huh.
I do feel pretty centered right now. The trick is staying there for longer than 2 days LOL!!
OK so we all agree..you back off 'cos you feel like it's the right thing for you AT THE TIME.(To me it's like putting on band aid on the hurt and exhaustion)..you back off for yourself..NOT as trickery/manipulation ya know gettin them to do what YOU want them to do.( we talked about this on my thread)
You don't have to stay backed off and Matilda certainly didn't...I am happy to say.
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