I get home with kids, check email, begin dinner. H comes in, gives me a hug and chats for a minute, then heads down stairs to his computer.
Everyone comes to the table when dinner is ready. When H is done eating he goes back to his computer as quickly as possible (sometimes he will work in the yard for a bit or on the car before).
When I am done cleaning up after dinner I go down and watch TV with him the kids usually join us when they are done playing outside until they go to bed.
What could I do differently that would be "lovingly detached"?
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Don't know. Sounds like you think he's chatting with OW, right? If that's the case, and you manage to not react to that, I'd say you're doing ok on the detachment thing.
If I understand right, other than H's obsession to be online and the implications with that, things seem okay? How can you include him in more day to day activities to reduce his computer time? how about asking for help to prepare or clean up dinner? can you make that a together time? is he opposed to family time or time with you?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I'm also going to suggest that you pick up a couple of books Mars and Venus and Mars and Venus in a relationship. Both of these books give great insight into what goes into the thoughts of Ms and Vs. It almost reads to me that your H is very stressed out... being deployed, transferred... there doesn't seem to be much stability when serving for your country. It's very common from what I have read and observed through the years. His escape it appears is the computer. Whether it be a gaming room, sexual site... it's as if he is escaping all the stresses. Perhaps he is also depressed.
There is a great chapter in the M/V book on depression/stress and how Ms handle it. One of the greatest suggestions is that the spouse/partner gets out and GAL... Quite often a depressed person finds themselves in a vicious circle that once an addiction is introduced (sexual, drug, alcohol) it is quite difficult to stop it... because the addiction brings their only pleasure. They don't want to intentionally hurt the ones they love, so they attempt to push them away by any means they have.
I think finding a Solution Based Counselor is your best bet. I really stress the Solution Based... why, because solution based helps you with the here and now to work on the issues at hand and not traditional therapy which tends to focus on issues of the past being brought into the present. That is fine and there is nothing wrong with that method by any means. But the point at hand is that you have problems now that need to be addressed. I also suggest if you cannot find a Solution Based Counselor locally, that you simply pick up the phone and call one of the counselors here at DB. I worked with Chuck. He was great...
Wish you well. I tend to lurk and post every now and then but I'll check back from time to time. Keep your head up, find yourself again through communicating with old friends, hobbies that you may have put on the backside... you have to take care of you first and foremost. If you need to vent, post it here you will never be judged... we've all been there.
Quote: Don't know. Sounds like you think he's chatting with OW, right? If that's the case, and you manage to not react to that, I'd say you're doing ok on the detachment thing.
GH
GH, I do not feel detached. I feel like I spend as much time downstairs as I can so that he will be on the computer less. I think I do pretty good not showing him a reaction, but I am reacting. Is being able to not show it good enough?
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
WCW he is not really "opposed" to family time, but it is difficult to get him to join in. Sad to say but the kids don't even really ask him to do much because the answer will most likely be not now.
He does take them to do things, like fishing trips, so I do not want to give the impression that he is not involved with them.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
StrongNSassy, you really gave me a lot of food for thought this weekend. thank you.
I believe you may be right that he could be depressed and certainly stressed. One funny thing is though that he thinks "stress" is not a real thing. Problem is he would never talk to a Dr about anything and would never seek counseling and quite honestly will be very upset if he finds out that I am.
I do have the book Men are From Mars, Women from Venus. I assume that is the one you mean. Honestly I have never read the whole book. I will have two hours each afternoon this week that I can read uninterupted, so that will be what I'll be reading.
Thank you for the suggestions.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Quote: I do not even know where to begin... I guess I will just sit down and say "my life is a disaster and I would like you to fix it".
That about sums it up, right? Seriously, I would make sure you try, if possible, to have a few "issues" in mind. I made sure also to let my C know right away that divorce was not something I was interested in, at least for the time being and that I wanted to work on "me" issues for awhile before really addressing my relationship problems. This is in keeping with DB IMHO, because I needed to work on me first, THEN whatever other issues plagued my relationship. Hope this helps and good luck. Try to be open and honest and if they are a good C, they should be able to help you.
Well I went. The jury is still out as to whether or not I like the counselor. I am going back next week though.
I thought I would feel better after voicing everytyhing, but I feel drained and like I have been beaten up. She is not familiar with DB per se, but she is familiar with the concepts when I explained them to her.
I told her I do not believe that D solves problems, that a D only creates different problems and she said taking no action also creates other problems. and I suppose she is right.
I can not even process all of it now. I think I will go crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
