I've said that I don't want any gifts in the past, usually because of something big I've already received or maybe planning for a trip, etc. H always did something anyway. I was always very pleased that he did. It's nice to know that even if he'd been taken off the hook as far as gift-giving that he was still thinking about me and wanted to acknowledge that.
Hey Andy - wonder what would happen if Andy didn't make the coffee one morning but instead brought a nice cold glass or orange juice or something like it with a little flower or goofy thing she likes. Or maybe Andy dresses up like a gorrilla or Marilyn Monroe when he bring the coffee to the groggy wife. Without any expectations.
I'm not kidding.
I've pretty much let my dreams die. They got in the way of my reality. And you know what? It's not what I wanted or hoped for - but It's getting to be pretty good anyway. Who knows? It may be better than what I was dreaming about after all.
Right now, W is on a buying spree to get motorcycle stuff. If I tried to get her something, it would be the wrong size, wrong style, or wrong colour. So, instead, I opted for a card in which I wrote my heartfelt appreciation.
The inside of the card said…
… and never forget that you are deeply loved by me.
To which I added:
quote: Motherhood is the most undervalued vocation in the world.
I know that I don’t often say it, but I admire your strength, stamina, and courage.
At a time in your life when things should be getting easier, the rigours of motherhood, and “wifehood” are as heavy as ever, but you manage to keep all the balls in the air.
It was her day, so I resolved to let her do whatever she wanted. It was up to her whether or not I was included. She gave me a big hug after reading her card and asked me out for breakfast.
Fille,
I’ll take the gorilla suit idea under consideration
Well, Friday night, W had told me that she had issues (with me) that she had to deal with. She didn’t want to talk about it, so I told her that I can’t change what I don’t know is wrong. I then let it drop. I suspect that it’s something I’m better off not knowing about. If she can accept that it’s OK for us to have differences, then she’ll simply accept whatever it is. Problem solved. If it’s something that I’ll have to change, then it’s up to her to tell me about it in her own time.
In any case, by Sunday morning, everything seemed fine.
Looks like a new project is coming up that will put me on the road for a month. As usual, I lost sleep over it. This morning, W said, “Well, I guess there’s nothing I can say that will help. We’ve been through all of this before.” I agreed that it’s just something that I’m going to have to ride out.
It’s better this way. Every time something bothers me, W simply invalidates my feelings. I know she’s just trying to boost my PMA by pointing out all of the other people that’ve been through similar sits, but I other peoples’ problems have nothing to do with me. This morning’s comment showed me that she wanted to help, but didn’t know what to say. It makes me feel a lot better knowing that she just wants to support me.
Exactly, Andy. She wanted to help, but she knows there is nothing she can do.
I'm in the same situation with my H. He's miserable at work. I've tried to be positive -- look as it as only temporary. When the economy turns around, so will job opportunities. Let's think about what you'd REALLY like to be doing and see if there's a way to do it. Etc., etc, etc. Nothing helps. It's all just words. But I'm trying to be supportive. I hope he sees it that way -- as you see it with your W. There is just nothing we can do to make it any better for you guys when it comes to your careers.
Also, my H is a very pessimestic person naturally. Always sees the bad before seeing any good. It's hard for an optimistic person (me) to deal with sometimes.
I'd think the motorcycle would have given you thousands of opportunities for gift-giving. H made a list of the things he wanted (right down to part numbers), which makes it very easy for me. For our anniversary I gave him some sort of a flow kit (don't ask me. I have no idea what I'm talking about) that he'll need for the bike when he puts a new exhaust system on (to make it much, much louder!!). I thought it was a totally unromantic anniversary present, and he was totally thrilled. I did have to do a little undercover work on that one -- he hadn't written the part number down - just mentioned it in passing. And the fact that I did that and then drove 25 miles to the the closest Harley shop to get it really pleased him. He's also gotten me things for the bike (leather clothing and better passenger seat, better foot rests, etc) for gifts. Maybe those things wouldn't have been my first choice, but I was so pleased that he wanted me to be with him when he rides that those gifts are some of my most cherished.
So, get her to start making a list. She'll have fun doing it. You'll have an easier time with gift-giving.
I loved what you wrote on her MD card. Believe me, Andy, those are the things women love to hear. We need to know we're appreciated and not being taken for granted.
It’s really funny how we can get caught up in stereotypes. Everyone knows that men communicate differently than women. Men seek answers while women seek support and understanding.
Crap!
If there’s an answer, don’t women want to hear it? I can’t answer for women (or all men for that matter), but all I know is that when something bothers me, the last thing I want to hear is how many people had similar problems. I know that when W does this, she’s just trying to say, “Other people had this problem and got through it. You can do it too.” But what I hear is, “Other people had this problem. You’re just like all the rest. Suck it in and take it like a man.”
Sometimes men just want a sympathetic ear, too.
I’m not pessimistic by nature, but my sense of humour is rather cynical. I don’t wallow too often, but sometimes it comes off that way.
Andy
[ May 13, 2002, 11:16 AM: Message edited by: ANS ]
I had to chime in here because my H (in a similar work situation as yourself and Matilda's H) said pretty much the same thing to me saturday. It's very hard to watch our S go through tough work stuff - it seems a little like depression. And WHAT's in the water anyway..so many people dealing with this stuff right now..
I know full well that I should just listen and say what your wife said to you or "It sounds like that is really tough for you, I'm sorry". I do that, and usually some kind of advice creeps in there too. Tryong to quit that.
I was also wondering today if there are other ways to help subtly... Boost our S's confidence or esteem in other ways without them noticing. I don't know... Plan stuff they can look forward to? Help alleviate other areas of worry? It's a hard balance to not get overly involved in their "stuff".
My W hasn’t always said the wrong things. But when she does, it hurts.
My W also told me that whatever I decide to do with my career, she would support me. I told her the career moves that I was considering and she told me that I wouldn’t want to do that.
I guess the basic rule of thumb is, don’t presume to know how he feels, or what is the best solution for him. You can tell him the solution that you’d prefer (without dwelling on it), but let him know that he isn’t obliged to do it your way.
I’m not a big fan of subtlety. I’ve found that when you try to be subtle, you’re sure to be misinterpreted. If he thinks you’re stroking his ego, he’ll think that you think his ego needs stroking. Not a nice feeling!
It’s simply a matter of being on the same team. Make him feel like he can talk about it, or not talk about it. And when he does talk about it, be empathetic. If you feel that he’s getting stressed out, I don’t think it would hurt to say something like, “Hon, you look like you’re getting stressed out. D’ya wanna do something to get your mind off it?”
Can’t speak for your H. We’re all different – and that’s the crux of it. Don’t treat him like a stereotype.
Anyway, that’s my feelings on the matter. Your mileage may vary.
I guess the basic rule of thumb is, don’t presume to know how he feels, or what is the best solution for him. You can tell him the solution that you’d prefer (without dwelling on it), but let him know that he isn’t obliged to do it your way.
Thanks for the reminder. I agree that its best to not tell our S we "know" how they feel. I'm also even more gunshy about mentioning how I would handle the situation because it might trigger old feelings of resentment. I stopped doing this as best I can a long time ago because I used to force my way of doing things onto him (not maliciously, mind you) He came to resent this a lot (of course) and thought I was only concerned with how his decisions affected US or me. I had no idea he felt this way and yes, it led to a lot of misunderstanding- we got to be quite wrong about each other's motivations. It's like you said, it's better to just be on the same team .
Being on the same team is one of my favourite analogies. Once we and our spouses both feel like we're on the same team, we stop interpreting things in a we/they sort of way.
Your H should be concerned about how things affect the both of you, and about how things affect you alone. But until you're on the same team, you'll both think the other is thinking only of him/herself.
You get into a contest. Keep score about who is wrong and who is right, instead of what is right.
So, the way to break this sort of thinking is to change your own thinking. Lily said it beautifully:
quote:Originally posted by lily May 01, 2002 02:04 PM onStill getting over it!! (Page 4): Another little mantra: I'd rather be happy than right.
![[Wink]](images/icons/wink.gif){kind=icon}
![[Roll Eyes]](images/icons/rolleyes.gif){kind=icon}
Tryong to quit that. ![[Smile]](images/icons/smile.gif){kind=icon}
I don't know... Plan stuff they can look forward to? Help alleviate other areas of worry? It's a hard balance to not get overly involved in their "stuff". ![[Razz]](images/icons/tongue.gif){kind=icon}