Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy How do I behave around my cheating husband?

Hi imLin and others,

Thanks for sharing your experience and wisdom with me. I am taking it all to heart.

The past two days have brought me to a place of complete surrender and I believe I am ready to let go. I believe my H is not coming back and that I must go on with my life.

What brought me to this conclusion? Well, it started with a conversation about our financial matters (more on that later) and lead to talk of divorce. I think I probably brought it up first, but I am convinced that the only reason he hasn't is his cowardice. In other words, he doesn't have the b*!!s to be honest and tell me he wants out. It's the same cowardice that kept him from telling me years back that he was already unhappy and falling out of love.

He called me a bit later to tell me he had emailed me. Essentially his email was more of the same - blaming me, the mentality that he just didn't have it to give anymore, blah-blah-blah. Bottomline, he's still looking for ways to justify his R with Ow.

I emailed him back to say that I never would have given up, that I didn't know the unhappiness he felt, and that I have been doing everything in my power to learn from my mistakes and grow as a person. I also said that I believe we could have had a chance had he never met Ow.

No DB'ing here, I guess, but I am done.

Next step, I need to file bankruptcy. I contacted an attorney and will make an appt for next week I hope. She said I can file separately because H and I are now considered legally separated. But, he will also have to do something if he doesn't want my creditors coming after him.

I feel like my tasks now are to take care of this bankruptcy, get money to file for divorce, and to establish some legal boundaries. I need to take charge of my life again - I feel like it's been on hold in some ways.

Most importantly I have to heal. I have to walk through this heartbreak, deep disappointment, and confusion - to some level of acceptance, forgiveness and strength. I will pray for my H, my S4 and for myself - that we all come through this emotionally, mentally, and spiritually strong.

I will keep posting here for as long as it takes to walk through this sad, sad ending.

Thank you all for your help.

Monica,

I am sorry for you sadness....I do know that point because I also reached it at one point....just keep your focus on your S and you....things will work out....I don't want to give false hope as you don't need that but we never really know what is around the next corner....
You might give H a heads up on the bankruptcy...I believe it would be more cost effective to file jointly...
Also, not sure where you live but I filed my own divorce and since I couldn't afford it I asked for and received a fee waver from the court.....meaning I didn't have to pay for my divorce to be filed....
We have a Family Court office where you can go in and for free someone will help you file your papers, work out your agreements, and even set up support....
I didn't spend a dime on my legal seperation or on my divorce filings....I also know the fee waver can apply to bankruptcy too so you might ask your attorney if he would be willing to fill out the paper work but let you do the filing....this could save you a lot of money....here divorce is over $300 to file and I think bankruptcy is too.....so this could save you over $600...
Keep posting....keep talking....let us know how things go
Again, I am sorry you have reached this point but I still feel that things will work out....either way

I just looked at your profile and saw that you are in California....go to your local court house....they should have a Family Court division there....I am in San Diego County....like I said they can help you do the divorce yourself!

Thanks imLIN,

I am finally at the point of doing the research on divorce - you have given me a great place to start - thanks!

I also appreciate your encouragement and support. In my heart I know that - ultimately - I will be fine. I will move on and be happy again. I've already found some peace after nearly 1 year of DB'ing. What I am most afraid of is never being able to trust a man again. After years of failed relationships and finally being able to trust a man - namely my H - I feel like I'm right back where I started. I just can't imagine ever trusting another man again to the point that I would consider marrying again. This is the worst heartache I've ever felt and I think a large part of it is that we have a S4. I am afraid of ever going through this again and - God forbid - putting my S4 through it. It's not just me to consider anymore.

I really can't fathom my H coming around from the point he is at. He is starkly different. If he ever does it will not be before years of struggling I think. I would have never given up on him - "in sickness and in health" - but he has already told me that he gave up and doesn't think we belong together. I simply can't put my entire life's happiness on hold to wait for a very unlikely outcome.

If God has other plans - I will find out about it. In the meantime, as you said, I need to focus on S4 and my own well-being.

Please keep in touch - I know the hard part is about to come...

Thanks!

honey, i'm so sorry)))))))))))))))))))) will pray for you tonight, I'm sorry that your H is still in the fog.
It's amazing how this terrible experienced change our Hs from being the sweetest persons around to these heartless aliens.
God won't give you more than you can handle, when you feel you are being crushed by all this injustice and pain raise your arms and tell Him "here, I can't take it anymore", I pray He gives you peace and strenght)))))))))

I will say some prayers too. My H told me (well, he couldn't hardly say it, I had to say it for him basically) that he wanted a divorce (that was about 3-4 months ago) and that he couldn't do "this" anymore and that if things changed we'd be fake, and if I wasn't such the nice person that I was (even though I wasn't the wife I needed to be, the wife God intended me to be) he would have left me a long time ago.

Ya, it really hurts to think, your sticking through it through sickness and health, but they can't- they are weak minded and are only thinking in the flesh.

I do believe that God has a plan for me, and He has a plan for you. I don't know if my H will be with me forever, I still have my doubts, but he has said that he wants me to be his wife. He said he had found my forum on here and read it and was amazed at how much I was working on our marriage. I never knew this at the time, he still was acting like he didn't want to be with me, but he had a lot on his mind.

I believe that God had the most to do with what has happened in my life. I believe he allowed this horrible thing to happen so that I might grow to become the person he wanted me to be. I would never be where I am now, if this hadn't happened to me. The struggles we go thru only make us stronger, as long as we learn from them and put the past behind us and focus on the now.

I do encourage you to keep your strength, your dignity, your sanity, your faith and everything else you need to get through. God has a purpose for your life. Also, we really need to pray for your H. He is very lost right now.

These are things my good christian friends told me to pray for.

1. Pray that your H and the OW are distracted from each other.
2. Pray that your H is surrounded by christian people and christian influence.
3. Pray for salvation for both your H and OW.
4. Pray that your H is absolutely miserable in his life now. (a counselor told me it took him to be at rock bottom before he searched out God).
5. Pray for yourself and for your children always.

I truely feel your pain, and I am so sorry that you had to endure it so long and are continuing to endure it.

I hope I've helped, and not hindered.
God bless you. We can do all things thru Christ who stregthens us. (forgot what verse- oops!)
Crissy

The feeling of distrust and not feeling you can expose yourself to that again is good reason to just focus on you and your son....you really don't NEED anyone to be truly happy....

One thing you said struck a cord with me

Quote:

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I really can't fathom my H coming around from the point he is at. He is starkly different. If he ever does it will not be before years of struggling I think. I would have never given up on him - "in sickness and in health" - but he has already told me that he gave up and doesn't think we belong together. I simply can't put my entire life's happiness on hold to wait for a very unlikely outcome.

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I can tell you the second time I filed for divorce (the second time in one year, lol) my H had been gone for over a year....I had finally asked him straight up "Do you EVER think you could live with me again?"....he said "NO"....I had him sign the papers then....he was so cold....not the man I had known since I was 15.....not anything like the man I had known just 3 years previous....like you I decided I wasn't putting my happiness on hold (this was a mistake to do in the first place....with or without our mate we need to be happy).....I was moving on....not to another man but just with my life and my children....and guess what?....about 5 months later my H did a slow 180... first talking to me, then moving to be closer to our son, then going back to church, then going out with me and having fun....now he is here almost nightly...he can't officially live here because he can't pass the credit report to get added to my rental agreement and because he has too many creditors looking for him that I don't want the stress on me and my children....so for everyone else he is not LIVING here....but he stays a lot

So yes....move on with life....find your happiness....but you just never know what happiness may end up finding you down the road....yes moving on with life is good....it is what we need to do....but it doesn't mean slamming the door on the past....

You never know what the future may bring...you H might eventually come out of it....you might find you are happy on your own with your S....and who knows you might find each other....and you might not....but either way....life will go on and you will be fine...

So, curious....where in CA are you?

Thank you guys so much for caring and praying! You've all given me so much hope, I mean hope to go on with my life and to know that I will be ok no matter what. I truly believe that.

Also, I know that signing a divorce paper won't magically give me closure. I believe that the letting go process happens in God's time, not mine, but that I have to keep doing the footwork. Part of that, for me, means getting my finances in order and getting a little "control" back over my money. It also means sending a clear message to my H that what he is doing is wrong and that there are consequences. I don't mean that as a threat, just a little reality-check. For instance, we will have to create clear boundaries about custody and child support - something my H has not wanted to face up to. Fortunately he has been there for my S4 "enough" that I haven't forced his hand, but I'm ready to have some freedom myself. I would like my H to take our S4 for (at 1st) one overnight/month. H has resisted the idea - or completely avoided it - for what seems like the obvious reason: it would intrude upon his time with Ow. Meanwhile I have to find (and pay for) a babysitter just to get a Fri or Sat night out. Go figure!

H left for business trip yesterday and was over for about 1.5 hrs w/ S4 - and long enough for me to run out to get groceries. I end up doing most of my errands whenever he is around and get very little "fun" time out. Once in a while I take S4 to get groceries or on other errands, but most parents out there know how that can be!

I guess I'm writing all this down as a way to clarify it for myself too. I know I deserve more help than he has given me but I've been too afraid to push for fear that he would just run or retaliate. Now I can't avoid it anymore if I truly want to have a life of my own again. The financial aspect is a biggie. As I said, I am about to file for bakruptcy. H has already done his own filing with Credit Solutions.

We have a MC appt set for 9/7 and I'm wondering if we should still go ahead with it. Any thoughts? I asked H and he never responded about it.

I think the hardest part for me now is the realization that my dream of a life w/ H is really over. Up until now I held out some hope - but I truly don't see it ever changing. My heart is still open to it, but I don't see it. So now what do I do with wedding albums and old letters? What's going to happen to my S4's relationship w/ grandparent's out of country? How will I possibly survive a visit to them without my H? I love them dearly and they love me - how can I survive the eventuality of my H bringing Ow to his parent's home? When we lived there in 2003 they of course had pictures of us up everywhere - will all of those pic's be gone? That's the sadness I feel - it's like a "lifetime" of love, our union, is just being eraased - like it never even happened. I know my IL's love me and have told me I'll always be a part of their family, but I barely speak their language and I miss them so much.

We sure lose a lot, don't we?

And for what? Because my H didn't have the maturity to just tell me when he was so unhappy. Because he's latched on to a woman his age w/ similar interests, etc. Can it all be that easy to throw away?

Well, I know in my heart that I have done everything possible. The only thing left would have been to wait longer and I just can't find justification anymore.

I pray everyday for my family, for my S4, for the courage and strength to let go if that's what God wants me to do.

I like the prayer that H and Ow be distracted from one another - that's a good one! And that H hit rock bottom soon!

Thank you all again.

Ps..I'm in the Bay Area, CA

Hi there, keep the appointment, please, you can bring it up casually to him a few days before it, but even if he doesn't go you should, unless you want another kind of T, you need to talk to a professional.

As for the picts and inlaws, don't put that burden on you yet, just deal with keeping your sanity right now, it's too much to think about right now.

My H also had an OW, talked about divorce and selling the house, it didn't look good at all, I didn't see the light of the end of the tunnel. I know all situations are different and some WAS come back, some dont'. It took my H about 8mths to hit rock bottom, he never gave me hope, other than going to C for a little while. Told me repeatedly he was too far gone and had nothing to offer me, that he felt empty and didn't think we could solve our problems.
He is back w/me, still struggling with himself, we are slowly trying to find us again, it takes time.
I ask you not to loose hope, but at the same time to find your inner strenght and be ready for anything, only time will tell.

It is mind boggling how the WAS can throw years of love with us and w/the children. When my H left he admitted he didnt' even think about the children, that's how lost he was, he just wasn't himself.

Hang in there))))))))))))

Well I didn't see any light for about a year and a half...I mean it was so gloomy at times that I actually filed for divorce twice....came within 3 days of finalizing it the first time when I panicked and called it off...
I really couldn't see how he could come back...he gave me absolutely no hope...
I have to admit at the time I didn't know for sure but shortly after he left his affair with OW ended....I was sure so many times that he was out just living it up with any woman, all women, one woman....but he says not and I tend to believe him (he is having such ED problems that it is believeable to me that he wouldn't have risked that embarassment)...
Anyway

Quote:

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I ask you not to loose hope, but at the same time to find your inner strenght and be ready for anything, only time will tell.

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this is great advice....I would spend some time thinking about it...after all your H has been gone only about a year....mine is just now coming back and in a few days will mark the horrible 2 yr. anniversary....(but also my nieces 2 year wedding anniversary the bright side of that horrible day)....

Just keep going....work on you...trust in you....and give yourself lots of time...

Hi Cat03 & imLin,

You guys are great. I can only pray that I will have a chance again w/ my H.

I asked him last night about keeping the MC appt and he said "yes, I still haven't changed my mind on that". I said "ok". Our appt is Sept. 7th. Earlier that day I have an appt w/ a bankruptcy atty as well - yahoo

The only hope I have to go on is the hope in your stories.

In the meantime, I am going on with my life and enjoying much of it. My S4 is a constant source of joy (and exasperation) He is the sweetest little boy. Yesterday he kicked me "by accident" during a tantrum (doesn't happen often thank God) and my reaction was to cry. He later went and made some flowers for me out of some connecting toys he has. He said "I can make you feel better, I'm going to make something beautiful for you" and gave me the "roses". My heart melted.

I also have some wonderful friends including a dear friend in NY who offered to pay 1/2 my airfare to come visit her this November. I'm so excited because we have never seen each other's kids and also I will be there for my birthday (hers too) and I will be there for the 1 year anniversary of my separation. I definitely want to be out of town for that!

Yesterday I finally created something I've been meaning to do for years. I turned some of my photos from a 1998 Europe trip into postcards. I want to make more!

My job is great, I love coming to work. My S4 is in an onsite preschool and loves it.

My H is gone for 1 week (again) on a biz trip out of the country. Last night he was over and tried to make small talk about his job. I listened and commented briefly. I could tell he was exhausted from his last biz trip and I wondered if he missed the comfort of our home. He now lives in studio w/ 1 window.

Well, i'll let you all know what happens w/ the MC appt.

Oh yeah, I was looking thru my DVD's last night and noticed that my "Shakespeare In Love" is missing. H & I used to watch that every New Year's and considered it "our movie". Could he have really brought it to watch w/ OW??? Should I ask him?

Thanks again! I need to find your threads.