Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy How do I behave around my cheating husband?

JokerMan - thanks again for your comments. Do you have a plan about telling W yet about A? For what it's worth, IMO, the TRUTH is always better (barring severe needless emotional injury). I would rather KNOW than NOT KNOW.

Flip - I feel for you, this stuff is hard core. I wonder if I'll ever see the day when my H actually understands the pain he has brought upon our family. I don't mean his selfish guilt and shame, I mean true - unconditional love where he "gets it". I wish he understood the impact and implications his behavior has on our S4's development. DENIAL is still his M.O.

H called this morning to warn that something had gone wrong w/ his last paycheck and that his company was issuing new one. All my bills were written on that check and therefore are now going under overdraft protection on MY credit card. Once he gets paid (today) I can turn around and put it on the credit card...BUT, this prompted me to bring up the whole subject of our finances. Now I have a question...

As I was bringing up our joint finances, pointing out that a bulk of my bills are for the care of our S4 and that he needs to put an upcoming bonus toward paying down some debt...H reacted somewhat defensively saying he doesn't know whether he'll get bonus and doesn't want me to be disappointed if he doesn't. He then said that we should probably sit down with a financial mediator who could help us figure this all out. I agreed (something we've already discussed). Well, immediately afterward he added "well, there's no rush" (or something to that effect).

I'm curious if the reason he doesn't mind waiting is because he's waiting for my job to go F/T (Oct 1st) so I will be making more money and therefore will (theoretically) need less from him. Is he that much of an a-hole I wonder.

I haven't wanted to push the financial thing because I fear that if I do it might negate any of the help we might get through MC. In other words, if he's just pissed about - and paranoid about - me wanting a set amount of money from him which might turn out to be more than he's giving me now - any progress we might make in MC will be foreshadowed.

Any thoughts on that?

Another thing...

H was over watching S4 last night and when I mentioned S would be starting new school on Aug 14th he brought up his own Birthday which is days later. There was no obvious relationship between my S's new school and H's birthday. I'm wondering why he brought it up. Anyway, I told him I would wish him a Happy Birthday and he tried to play it down by saying "oh, I'll just be one year older...it's not like it was when I was a kid...when I looked forward to my birthday" (or something along those lines). I got a little sad and said "I remember a lot of fun birthdays" implying we had celebrated our birthdays together for a long time and they were good. He just said nothing.

Am I imagining it, or is his armor cracking a little bit? I mean, what the heck does his Bday have to do with me now? Why would he bring it up sounding so "down" about it.

Well, S4 is going crazy in our hot apt - better go out.

Monica,

*****Do you have a plan about telling W yet about A?

Yes and no....does that sound like a cop out??? Well it is. I know I do and will tell her about it. Just no plan yet.


****H reacted somewhat defensively saying he doesn't know whether he'll get bonus and doesn't want me to be disappointed if he doesn't.

RED FLAG!!!


****"well, there's no rush" (or something to that effect).

proof


****Is he that much of an a-hole I wonder.

First any H who has an affair is a selfish A-hole (me included). He is not thinking about finances. He is not thinking about next year; hell he is barely thinking about next week.

Think of it like an addiction. A drugee does not worry about the future...just right NOW and how to get the FIX and keep getting it.

****"oh, I'll just be one year older...it's not like it was when I was a kid...when I looked forward to my birthday"

OK I'm no Freud...I caught on to your thread midstream. I will go back and read more. But it sounds like something from his past is hanging on him.

Any thoughts???

Hi JokerMan,

Yes, I totally believe that most of my H's crisis right now is about his anger toward his parents (more so toward his father) and essentially a delayed adolescence in the extreme. He walked the straight and narrow his whole life fearing that if he didn't somehow his father would reject him, or worse, shame and ridicule him. My H was a "goodie-goodie" his whole life - until now. That's why no one expected this - not even my H.

So, my dilemma is - do I wait for H to grow up knowing that he may never be the nice guy again, or do I completely move on? Maybe there's a middleground but I haven't found it yet.

I contacted another ex-boyfriend "out of curiosity" and fun. Got a brief, but nice, response and an invitation to email or call. I emailed. I'm not thinking much farther than that. There is a weird sense of betrayal I feel - but c'mon, I gotta go on with my life.

Next MC appt is Aug 8th. Our homework from 1st session is to do a timeline of our R writing the key things that stand out in our minds. I wonder what H will come up with. I haven't started mine yet - I think it's too depressing.

About the money, I have no idea if my H is trying to pull anything over on me - or if he plans to - but I just don't feel right about calling a lawyer or mediator just yet. I would like to have clear knowledge of his accounts and pay, but I don't think it's time yet.

monica

I am so hurt and sickened at the moment.

I finally went through some of my H's files on our (now my) computer. He had left some itunes and I decided to go through them. I'm disgusted.

Some of you may know my H has gone "Goth" and so most of the music I found - IMO - is disgusting and heinous. To top it off, in one of the folders - instead of music - was a picture of him entitled "feeding" w/ him sitting on our (now my!) bed, shirt off, arms behind his head holding his hair back. I'm sick. His eyes look like they mave have contacts in them, but also could have been web-cam & lighting. Don't see any evidence of "feeding" (I'm assuming it refers to some vampire thing) but the thought alone (and title) nauseates me regardless. Then I found a song "For Elizabeth" with her picture popping up in a photo box. I also some sheet music entitled "For Elizabeth, by D. (my H's initial).

My stomach is doing somersaults.

I want a DIVORCE right now, I wish I could just blink my eyes and have it be done. I don't want to wait anymore - I don't know who this person is anymore - not sure I ever did.

I'm absolutely dumbfounded because my H was such a good person when I met him and all through the years. It was only about a year or so ago that all this Goth sh*t started coming up and he changed.

I'm crying, I don't want him to be that way. He's sick.

Please - anyone who reads this - please pray for my H to come back to reality.

I don't want to be with a man who's into that kind of lifestyle. It sickens me. I don't see him ever being the kind of man again (or better, I would hope) that I could spend my life with. I am so sad.

And now I know Ow's name - something I've managed successfully to avoid these last 10 months. Damn it! Damn her! That [censored] bitch. Why did she have to help drag my H down into her Goth world.

I'm sorry, I'm just totally depressed - one more time - and I don't know where to go from here. Does it make any difference that the "feeding" pic was dated July 2005? Is this something you just grow out of - never to look back? That is my deepest prayer for my H - get away from that life and don't look back. But his song for her was also entitled "Forever Entwined". "Entwined" was a word he wanted to tattoo on his chest.

Ugh, does this ever end? I think I need to end this now. I don't want to know anything else about him, his lifestyle, or future Goth life.

I don't know if I want to continue counseling with him, although it's the only key to understanding all of this. But - afterall - is it really important to know?

I just want peace and joy and lightness in my life again. I'm tired of the heaviness he brings to my life. I feel I can't truly be ME whenever he's around, I walk on eggshells and censor my words. It's exhausting.

But there's my S4. He is so precious to me, like life itself, I can't put him in the middle. I think I've been doing a great job of supporting his R w/ his daddy, but now I think divorce has to be the solution. There's just no way we will ever reconcile and my son deserves clarity as much as I do.

I pray that God will shine a light on the darkness my H has wrapped himself in and that he will find joy and purpose in life again. He was (is?) such a good person - always considerate, loving, affectionate, thoughtful, he cared about me, he cared about our family, he wanted to share his life with me "forever". Now he's gone.

To anyone who reads this - please send your positive thoughts out into the universe - we need it.

I guess the next step is to - finally - seek a lawyer. It makes me so sad but I'm losing my faith in miracles here.

Monica,

I really don't know what to say. I pray for a peace around you and your son. I hope you H finds his way and that way is back to you.

I posted this to Liz on the newcomers forum, but I think it holds true for you as well.

Assume the worst. Assume Divorce. Here is what you have ahead of you....

You will have the love and respect of your son.

You will be a better person.

You will be a stronger person.

You will be a better mom.

You will have a freedom.

You will have your conscious intact that you DID the right thing.

You will have a closer relationship with God.

You will not have this weight around your neck everyday.

You will be wiser.

You will have peace because you have closure.

You will...in time...be happy once again.

You will have your whole future with a clean conscious ahead of you.

But none of that really helps does it when none of it is what you really want.

None of us get exactly what we want in life. Sometimes you just have to look for the good in amongst the bad and make the most of it.

Ok....me jumping in again....I tend to this a lot lately...

One thing I can say is you don't need to file for divorce to establish child support...I notice that you are in California...me too...you can go to you local court house, Family Court Facilitator.....and file for a legal seperation....this is wise financially because should your H go off of the deep end financially like mine did you will be legally seperated from that too!!!....if you can't afford it they have a financial waver that you can fill out and the fee is waved...if you should decide later to file for divorce you can change your legal seperation to a divorce...I did it all myself...

They will guide you through the paperwork...you can find out how much CS he should be paying....CS has nothing to do with your earnings...it is based on his earnings...because it is assumed that you want to maintain the style of living for your child so you both contribute to that based upon your abilities....

If he gets upset I think the MC can deal with that...it isn't like YOU are taking the money to make him miserable...it is the money he OWES his child...period...

I would be very careful about leaving him unsupervised with his father at this point too...it seems that his lifestyle could present risks to your son...emotionally and physically....

Don't feel bad about snooping on the computer...sometimes our subconscience tells we need the truth...and we are ready to find it....it might seem like more then we can handle but it isn't...you will be fine...

Before you even consider anyone else in your life....if it does indeed come to that...you really need time to recover for yourself....people tend to run from one relationship to another without the proper grieving...they cut it off and start a new relationship...often time to bring with them the same baggage that they had in the last relationship...

So get a legal seperation....take time for you....get your finances in order....and focus on you and your son being happy...

And yes...it is possible that your H could come out of this...(how old is he?)....mine went off the deep end and did all sorts of foolish things...immature things...totally opposite of what he had always been....now he is coming back...it is slow but it is happening...

I was patient on and off....but I did hold myself together for going on 2 yrs. now....and I also have a son who was barely 9 when his dad walked out...he is now almost 11...I have focused on his well being....when his dad was MIA I had good family friends...males...that took him to movies, out to eat, to ball games, to play catch, to come over and play games with them....he did okay without his dad around...I restricted his dad's visits because he was too unpredictable for me to trust him....I asked for and received full legal and physical custody with child support plus medical and child care in that...but then he didn't work and lived on credit cards so that left me with squat....but if he were to ever take off again....I can ask for all that back CS....he wouldn't be able to support an OW, lol...

I am here if you need the support...

Lin

Thank you guys for giving me some awesome feedback.

imLin, you really gave some great practical advice and I appreciate it coming from someone who has been there. It sounds like legal sep is the best option right now and I'm so glad to hear that CS isn't contingent upon my income. All I care about is making sure my S4 gets what he needs - and that I get in a stronger financial position to pick up the slack.

My H seems to be fairly driven at the moment about his job. He even made a comment in our MC, "I'm a person who cares about his career and I should have said something a long time ago"...or something to that effect. Essentially he was trying to say that he had often let his work go to "help me" with our S and therefore didn't have time to really devote to a career. Poor thing

He'll be 28 next month (I'm 38). He never showed a deep interest in Goth culture except that he loves the movie "The Crow" and wanted to be him for Halloween every year (which we never ended up doing for one reason or the other). He was always well-groomed, wore nice suit & tie to work, took pride in his style, kept his hair nice and clean (medium length), worked in the fashion industry. Now his hair is long and often in a ponytail, greasy, he's always in black clothes, he rarely smiles or laughs, etc.

When he's with our S4 he is the closest to "himself". He's very affectionate, plays with him (although still seems preoccupied at times), reads him stories, etc. He calls him every day that he doesn't come over and either talks to him or leaves a nice message. It's the only time I hear his old voice.

As far as leaving him alone with S4, I'm not really worried much about that. I think the worst thing is just that H is preoccupied at times (not unlike our last year together) and isn't exactly "happy-go-lucky". So far H comes to my apt and stays here w/ S4. During the week I'm usually home so it's only Sunday that he has all day with him. I just keep observing H and S4 for any signs it's not a healthy sitch.

I appreciate your suggestion about staying out of new R until legally sep and after some healing time. I don't feel in any way, shape or form ready to get involved in something new. But contacting ex-boyfriend seems like a fun diversion. The first one I contacted lives across country and hasn't responded to my last email (quite a while ago) so I'm not holding my breath - and I'm ok with it. The recent ex I contacted is local and we've so far exchanged a couple of emails - very brief and friendly. I think it's a way for me to reconnect with parts of myself I had long forgotten.

H was over today all day and barely spoke. I'm not sure if it was because he was picking up on my aloofness, but later (after I'd been out all day) we chatted a bit more.

I can't believe you've been doing this for 2 years! How do you do it? You mentioned the changes in your H, what kinds of things?

Thanks again for your support...

Monica,

Hey, what's going on with you. Just curious if you're doing OK.

SS