Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy How do I behave around my cheating husband?

Hi SS,

Sorry I've been out of touch lately - I started a new job and enrolled my S4 in new preschool so life has been busy! H has been out of town on a couple of business trips and called "sick" one Sunday. So...I've been spending a fair amount of time w/ S4 which has been good (but exhausting).

H and I had our 2nd MC appt w/ new C this week. We're going 1/month. C seems really good, she's able to get right to the heart of matters and already has us talking about our R in a way that seems very non-threatening. What I mean is, she has been able to draw a lot out of H without scaring him off. After out 1st session she gave us a homework assignment: to write up a timeline of our R. What was strange was that I had a really hard time doing it without focusing almost entirely on the negative. Luckily she didn't ask us to read them, but rather just talked in terms of our history together.

Other than that, things are status quo. H seems very involved with his job and seems to want to tell me all about it. I'm not sure if it's just his way of finding something to talk about, or there's a part of him that wants to connect with me. Don't know. I just listen, ask a couple of Q's and nod. I sort of maintain a balance in how interested I come across. I guess my fear is that he'll get too comfortable with our R on this basis - civil, friendly, co-parent's. I don't want to make it too easy on him!

Meanwhile I've talked to yet another ex-boyfriend recently - a guy I dated for a year when I was 20 and continued seeing on and off for another 5 years. We had a very passionate R and there is no question the attraction is still there (even over the phone!) but I am very aware that there were good reasons we didn't stay together. Bottomline is that I contacted him to somehow rediscover a little about the person I was when I was with him. He told me that he always saw me as carefree and brought up a lot of memories that really helped me to remember that "carefree girl" inside. You know?

I've been feeling sort of numb about my H - it's very weird. It's like I can't tap into my strong feeling of love for him anymore. I know I am still extremely hurt and the fact that he continues on with this Ow is like salt in the wound. I suppose it's easier to NOT FEEL. I don't know.

I just take it day by day. I have faith that God will continue to walk me through this and that the answers will eventually come. For now there has been no further talk of Divorce, I'm not pursuing nor am I going dark, I'm friendly yet not too friendly, I'm private and I go on with my life.

I honestly don't know whether I could ever be happy w/ H again, that's a tough one. All I can do is pray that God will reveal the right direction to take.

How are you doing???

Thanks for checking in!

Well the C thing is good.

The old flame is not.

Monica, do not give in to the "numb" feelings. It will just get easier and easier to do. Face what you have to face and feel the pain. That is life.

I do appreciate and respect your honesty though.

I understand looking back to find who you were...I did the "call the old b/f" thing too....thank GOD he didn't call me back, lol....of course I have no idea if he got the message but I sat there thinking of all the reasons that it wasn't a good idea after I talked to his mother on the phone for an hour or more...

We had actually been Jr. High sweethearts....so I was going waaaaaaaay back...but then considering I hooked up with H when I was 15, it makes sense...

So, you called him....you talked....you were reminded of who you were....now don't keep contact....as you said there were reasons you didn't stay together....if you couldn't fix them then you can't now....you need to fix what you have....even if it ends in a divorce you have to fix this first....I do hope that H comes around....I feel badly for all whose S's continue in the affair but then I realize that for some of the WAS it takes time for them to come to their senses....my H had an EA/PA for about 8 mos. as close as I can figure....but then stayed away for about a 1 1/2 yrs.....so time was still needed and I realize now that it was never about the OW....it was all about him and his pain and unresolved issues..

So I agree with JM....don't go numb....allow yourself the time to feel the pain and work it out....I know having a child limits that time but I used to take my time at night and in the morning while everyone was asleep to cry...yes, I looked like crap most of the time but then...HEY, my H had left me, who wouldn't look like crap, right?....but I got on my feet...dusted off and started plugging forward...

So keep feeling, keep talking (to us, not x b/f)....you will get all the support you need and then some here...

Lin

Hi JM and IML,

Thank you both for your feedback, I appreciate it.

This is what comes to my mind now...

Yes, getting in touch with ex-b is a risk and I have to be very cautious. So far we have talked on the phone twice and that's that. Beyond that I have no idea. I'm not going to make the decision not to talk to him or see him now because I don't feel any obligation not to.

Yesterday marked 9 mos of separation, 10 mos since I've know about Ow, and Sept 5th will mark 1 year of their A. My patience is running out. But I will continue with the MC because I see it as the only hope for getting some insight into H's state of mind. And I pray he will also get some insight.

I love him, but talking to him now is like talking to a stranger. I don't know him. I really don't see him as the same person at all.

Today he called me at 9:20am to say he hadn't left his apt yet (he's supposed to be over to see S4 by 9am and lives 40 min's away). He said he was icing his knee because he had hurt it on Friday night. I am so tired of his excuses. I told him that it would have been nice if he called me earlier to let me know. He complained about the drive (the pain) but then later took our S4 back to his place later on! I questioned his logic and he got very defensive. I said I just wanted to have a dialogue about it and ultimately we talked it through - but not without a lot of biting my tongue. I just can't trust anything he says.

I just don't know how long I should keep the door open for him to come back. I need to move on and have the freedom to live my life - no limbo, no waiting.

I'm open to miracles - that's what I think it's going to take at this point. Beyond that, I've got to go on.

I don't think there are any real rules to this - I've got to do what feels right. Some days I have a little hope, but most days I see our M as over.

I trust that God will keep walking me through this...

Keep in touch.

Monica

Hi MonicaP.
I just wanted to show you my support. We are on just about the same time line and both kinda feel the same. I just recently decided as a last ditch effort to use the Last Last resort in my sitch. I was prepared to say goodbye "forever". I had truly given up and didn't want to carry the torch anymore. Of all things my W responded. Above you asked

Quote:

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I just don't know how long I should keep the door open for him to come back. I need to move on and have the freedom to live my life - no limbo, no waiting.

---

I was here just a couple of days ago and had decided to move on and close the door. No one would blame either of us. It is certainly a tough decision that can only be weighed by you. You might learn something from reading my thread. Something that might give you hope. I was had completely convinced myself I was done and what I was going to do was finish it. Well, it appears I am back in the game "not out of the woods" but I do have renewed hope.
No matter what you decide we are here to support you.
Take care. I will pray for your miracle.
Don

I completely understand. You want them back so bad it hurts and yet they seem like just faint reminders of the past that you wish would go away.

Put your time and energy into S4 and yourself for now.

Thanks for stopping by my curb.

Hang in there and God Bless

Hi M.W.,

Thank you for your support...you've sparked my curiousity..I'll look for your thread.

Happy to chat w/you on the curb anytime. Don't forget Tuesday is street sweeping day...resist the temptation to put your hubby in front of the curb

All my best.
Don

Today is H's birthday. I am sad because I am sure he is celebrating w/ Ow It hurts a lot to know she is giving him presents, taking him out for dinner, and *whatever*. I hate her. So I have to pray for her

I had to call H this morning to tell him that our joint bank account is in the red His company decided to change their pay schedule - with no warning (yeah right!) and because of it I don't have the funds to cover bills. Then he tells me he is barely making it and has maxed his credit cards and therefore won't be able to give me as much each month. Ugh!

I said to him (with tears) "I am so frustrated, isn't it ironic that now that we both have good/stable jobs we're not living together. His response went something like "that's not my frustration, isn't the real problem the break-up of our family". Duh! I said "that's a given". But, duh! He's the one who caused the breakup!! And continues to.

He looked up some info about how we might (each separately) consolidate our loans/credit and reduce our monthly payments. I wanted so much to bring up the D word as if it would somehow solve everything, but I held my tongue.

What I'm most afraid of as far as getting legal system involved is that it will negatively impact (trickle down to) my S4. If my H doesn't have enough money to support himself AND give me what I need then it will effect how/when he sees our S4. I don't want to do anything that will get in the way of that. Also, I know I can't squeeze blood from a turnip - he just doesn't have it to give.

He does want to sit down with a financial advisor together - so I guess that's a good sign. He won't be able to hide anything if we do that.

Today I had to ask my grandmother for money which was completely demoralizing. She is 90yrs old and "old school". She gave me some money, but not without a lecture.

I am just so tired of this - it's like a roller-coaster and I can't get off! I guess that's why I think just ending it - getting a D - will at least offer some clarity of direction. This limbo state is killing me, not to mention that H shows no signs after nearly a year since meeting Ow of letting her go.

The 2 ex-boyfriends I called in the past 6 mos are going to stay that way - ex's So, I guess I have no choice but to be alone. Don't get me wrong, I'm in no hurry to be in a new R, but it would be nice to date or to feel like there are prospects out there. I think part of me resents H for having someone and I don't. Not exactly a good reason to jump into a R, but I also don't want him to think I'm just sitting around *pining" for him.

What are your thoughts on dating at this stage in the game - anyone?