Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy How do I behave around my cheating husband?

Hi, it sounds like you've been in a really tough sitch. Fortunately for me, my H's OW lives in another state, so he's only gotten to see her 3 times, but unfortunately, it's with someone he already dated before me, and thought that she was the one for him, but for some reason they didn't stay together.

Well, I have been reading a lot of books lately, mostly Michele's but I've recently read another called "Love must be tough", by Dr. James Dobson. I believe it was written before Divorce Busting and Remedy, and he uses some of the same concepts. However, he does believe in not letting the person "walk-over" you. I believe that it was a helpful book to read. He is a christian, so he does look at the M from a biblical standpoint, but I'm christian too, so I felt it very reassuring and comforting.

I believe your focus needs to be on making yourself happy. You need to show him by your actions that you are happy with yourself and feel good about yourself. I really know that becoming confident and happy about myself is the reason my H is coming around. He's actually been all over me sexually several times! Of course I don't think you should allow your husband to have sex with you, because he is constantly with OW, and I'm still not sure if I'm doing the right thing by sleeping with my H even though OW is in another state and he's only able to text/talk on phone with her.

Have you ever had a conversation with H about his sin, and that you do not approve of what he is doing because it is against God and the law, but you made a vow to him and to God and you do not take that lightly and that God has shown you how miserable your marriage has become (I say miserable, because that's what my H called our marriage, and we need to validate them about how they felt about the marriage) and that you plan on being the best wife, mother, woman that you can be and you are excited about the changes God is making in your life. And you know exactly what you plan to do with your life, with or without H. You are the one that makes you happy, not him.

I ask that, because I said pretty much the same thing (wrote a letter). Basically because he was still in the same house with us and I wanted him to know exactly what I felt about what he was doing and that I was still going to be the best wife I could be because that is what God had called me to do. I didn't want him to think I was OKAY with his A.

I don't know if this is what you should do or not. But it seems you need to do something different if you really feel like nothing is changing. I do believe that he hasn't laid the D bomb because he truely doesn't know if that's what he really wants, otherwise he would have done it. And the fact that he is initiating the C is unbelieveable to me. My H said to me "I don't need a C".

I want you to think back on these last months and really think if you've been making GAL changes that have shown him how much more confident you are about yourself and how much happier you are. If you've been bouncing up and down emotionally in front of him, then I believe you haven't given him a chance to see the real change in you and that's why you haven't notice a change in him. You also have to think of this perspectively: both persons had something to do with the R problem. I realize in my own, I had become so obsessed with being the wife and mother and I didn't focus on my own happiness. I basically put myself in the trash, so eventually I became bitter and angry and every little thing bothered me. Of course it wasn't my fault that he had an A, it is never the victims fault, but we are both responsible for the R of our M. With that said, what are the things about yourself that you realize now you shouldn't have been doing? Being bitter, angry, controlling, nagging, withdrawn, depressed etc? Even though the H might have started it (which I believe mine did), but we are only in control of ourselves, not them. So we need to look back on our lives and see what we had been doing that was not healthy and change that. If we don't, we will just become slave to our old behaviors whether we meet someone else or stay with our H.

Unfortunately, we never know what will happen in the end, and no one can guarantee that the H will come back, but at least we did everything we could and we can hold our head up high.

Oh, and someone told me not to text or call unless really important cause it's like your keeping tabs on them, or like your needing validated by H. How often are you the one making the calls or contact to H?

Good luck to you,

I don't know if you read the bible or not, but these verses helped me when I was depressed.

Psalm 25 and 31 and 91:14-16 and 118:1-9
Isaiah 54: 4-8

Sorry this was so long! You think YOU babble!

p.s. a little hint. If you force yourself to be happy, you will eventually become naturally happier, but if you force yourself to dwell on negativity, you will become a negative and sad person. Believe me, I have experienced this for myself on both spectrums.

Dear Stilltryin,

Thank you for your lengthy post - I appreciate all of your feedback! It helps so much to get others' perspectives.

In the past 8 months I think I have definitely gotten progressively better. The first 1-2 months were "hell", but once I found DR I got some hope and direction. Ever since, I have been GAL as well as making a lot of personal (emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual) changes. I have been so fortunate to reconnect with a great therapist and have some wonderfully supportive friends. I have a strong spiritual life which is my foundation for everything! God has truly graced me with forgiveness and patience - and most of the time I can tap into that. Of course I am occasionally thrown off by some event or milestone w/ H, but seem to bounce back quickly enough.

Yes, I take his desire to continue w/ MC, although his intention (overtly) is not reconciliation, to be a positive.

For the most part I follow my intuition in dealing w/ H on any given day. Because he is around so often to be w/ S3.5 I have plenty of chances to DB. Some days my anger and hurt creeps up and that is when I conveniently have something out of the house to do. I don't make a big deal, just ACT AS IF everything is fine and go about my business. When I know he's lying to me I just say "uh huh" and change the subject. I am not overly "nice" or obviously withdrawn - most of the time. I try to stay true to myself and hopefully my changes will be obvious to him.

I rarely if ever call him. Occasionally I email to let him know how much money we have in our account, or to make some plans related to S3.5. But we see each other often enough that I don't need to call. I don't have a cell phone, so texting is not an option

Basically I realize that he is out there leading his own life - w/ Ow - and that what he does now is really none of my business. I don't feel that way inside, but that's how I have to act to him.

Today he left for London on a business trip. I immediately projected that Ow would accompany him. I have no evidence of that and don't intend to investigate, it's one more thing that's none of my business.

I keep praying for God to show me the right path, to keep me open to miracles and to trust that I will be ok no matter what. Some days are better than others.

I did share with my H that I really like my new job and that our S3.5 will be able to attend preschool there. I haven't volunteered much personal info for a while now, so that was actually "different".

All I can do is keep trusting God that I will know what to do when the situation arises. I take it day by day.

Today was a pretty good day.

Thanks again for posting, I can only imagine what it must be like to have my H actually still interested in me physically. We are truly separated. I personally have no interest in him sexually or in any other way while he is involved w/ Ow. I just can't get past the fact that he has given his heart to someone else. And right now he DEFINITELY doesn't deserve me

Take care and keep in touch!

it sounds like your doing good work. I really couldn't imagine being in your shoes either with him not wanting anything sexually.

Maybe I am lucky that OW lives somewhere else so that they've only gotten to be together physically 3 times. Although the things they say to each other (saw his phone 3 times, but haven't for the last 3 weeks) is incredibly romantic and things he has never ever said to me even in the begining. That's what really hurts me and makes me think he really always did want to be with her (he knew her before me)

Anyways, do keep focusing on God, because he is the only constant, unchanging one we can trust. Humans are unreliable, and we will always fail each other, but God will never fail us.

You are right about him not deserving you!!!!!!

Good luck too, I'll keep checking on you!

Quote:

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...is incredibly romantic and things he has never ever said to me even in the begining.

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Just a general comment about this. I think this is the thing that gets to many of us as much as anything. The fact that the things they say and do with the OP are really what WE want to have them say and do with US.

I know for me, being honest, I can admit that I, in no way, fostered the kind of behavior I want from my W and that I THINK she gave to OM. I think this is another opportunity for us to look in the mirror and see if we REALLY expressed desire for and the behavior to GET what we SAY we want from our spouses. I KNOW I did not.

Does that mean they had the right to cheat? Hell no, but it DOES explain why the dynamic is different between them and OP and them and us.

GH

Not to continue the hijack, but I wouldn't spend too much time stressing about the romantic stuff. You can have all that and still have problems.

My H and my R has been nothing but incredibly romantic--perhaps too much so--and at times I have worried I was really just a long-term A to him. After all, I fit his pattern of having a R with a coworker. Granted I've had him 9 years and they each only had a matter of months.

But, I would much rather share the more mundane day-to-day stuff like hanging out with his friends than have all the romance. That's what I find hurts the most--that he would rather spend time with his friends, and that his friends and family have never accepted me. In fact, while my H had asked me to marry him before he had even told his family about me, he introduced ow#1 and ow#2 to his family and friends (not necessarily in person as they are overseas) almost right away. Both ow were accepted right away.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is to appreciate what you have and don't worry about what the home-wrecker is or isn't getting from your WAS. I truly believe in the grand karma of it all things will work themselves out.


SuperStressed

Grasshopper, Stilltryin, & Superstressed ~

Interesting posts, thanks

I can relate to the whole romantic thing and I definitely agree that that is just the fluff. I'm not saying it isn't important - it is! - but it sure isn't everything.

I don't think my story w/ H could get any more romantic: met in Florence, Italy (H is native Italian) on a warm July night in the Piazza Uffizi listening to a violinist play. A portrait artist in the piazza actually introduced us. We wrote to each other for the following year, sharing life stories, poetry and falling in love. H came to US and we spent 1 month together finding out whether our love was real, 6 weeks later I flew to Italy and met his family. H came back to US at that point and we were married 6 months later in a civil ceremony, then had ceremonies in the US and Italy the next year. In Italy we were married in the same church that H was an altar boy.

We are both fairly romantic, sentimental, people so little things always meant a lot. We made our own Valentines' each year and co-wrote some poetry. We enjoyed sharing the "mundane" things of life too ~ laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. We did a lot of these things together.

In Sept 2002 our son was born. We were both thrilled and instantly "in love" with him. H took a very active role, giving S3.5 his night feeding w/ a bottle and falling asleep w/ him on the couch. H once said "raising a family is the greatest acheivement one can make". I believed him (fool!).

That first year was the beginning of the end - or so it turned out. H was holding it all together and behaving as if everything was "fine". As always, we communicated our feelings/thoughts often in hours-long discussions until we came to some resolution. But...now I realize that we were just touching the surface because ~ as it seems ~ H's problems run much deeper.

What H failed to talk about (and I'm not sure he was/is even aware) is his troubled R w/ his father. H always idealized his parent's to me and to other's and - in part - is right, but parent's are human and H's father was particularly strict and sometimes abusive to H as a child.

So, the romanticism went out the window once S3.5 was born and we never got it back. In fact, we moved to Italy when S was 1yr old which I believe only stirred up his unfinished business w/ father. H is 10 yrs younger than me and never really had his "adolescent crisis"...until now!!!

Now H is the equivalent emotional age of a teenager. Thank God he has enough ego left to know that he needs to work and behave somewhat responsibly. He is most recognizable as the man I fell in love w/ when he is w/ S3.5.

By the way, I (unfortunately) snooped around one day into a website H had linked only to find picture of Ow and separate pic of H w/ a little synopsis written by H about how they met. It was very difficult to read ~ I wish I hadn't. In it he stated that Ow was the most beautiful woman in the world, her hair, etc...Yuck!! I still don't know her name and I'm very glad about that.

Tomorrow marks 8 mos since our separation. H is on business trip 'til Thursday when we were supposed to have 1st MC appt w/ new C. H was still willing to go, but I want to reschedule because of his jet-lag. I'm also thinking that he might use that appt to drop the D-bomb, so if I can postpone that a little longer...

So, romance is great, but it can't possibly sustain a R. In our case, IMO, what was lacking was the maturity to honor the commitment we made (H made) and to try everything possible to save our M before giving up/giving in to A.

I'm wondering now if I've turned over every stone myself. I see the new C as one more "stone" as well as continued patience - the product of time. How much time, I don't know. I'm hoping that if something obvious doesn't happen that I'll just know when the time is right.

In the meantime, I am rediscovering that more romantic side of myself and becoming the woman that I want to be. I don't know if it's too late w/ H, but there is at least one thing I've learned from this excrutiating experience...PUT THE R FIRST, PUT THE M FIRST, MAKE COUPLE TIME, THE CHILD WILL BE BETTER FOR IT AND SO WILL THE COUPLE. It's a costly lesson.

I pray that God will give H and I second chance, but I know that H needs to be willing for God to make that happen. All I can do is pray, take care of my side of the street, and accept the outcome.

For now I just need to focus on what I can do something about rather than what I don't have any control over. I have no control over what my H does, but I can do the footwork necessary for me to GAL.

I can truly feel the progress in myself in this 7th month and I am so glad NOT to be back there at 1st month!!

Peaceful lost her cool today as H dropped the D bomb via email. You can read my reply at But I LOVE you!

It's good for a laugh, not good DB, but good comic relief. Hey, if I can't laugh, I'll die!

Peaceful,

God, how I can relate!

I've "lost it" a couple times myself ~ thinking "that's it" ~ but here I am, still marrried and no D-bombs lately.

I don't regret the couple of times I've really gone off on H, I told him exactly what I think of what he is doing and exactly what I think of Ow. I do not want him confusing my patience w/ acceptance of his behavior. He should have a clear idea about what my value system is all about.

From here I would just pick up DB'ing and let him bring it up. My H hasn't brought up D on his own at all, but has agreed a couple of times in MC that he doesn't think we can make it. I will not help him along anymore w/ that line of thinking.

Anyway, good luck and don't worry about it - there are no accidents in God's world.

H is coming back from biz trip this afternoon and plans to come over to see S3.5 tonight. While away he called each day to talk w/ S3.5, ofcourse this usually means chatting w/ me. I tried to make small talk and ask q's about his trip. Most of the time he seems open to talking (at least when Ow isn't waiting or around).

Last night I had a nightmare about our R; the general feeling was that H wanted nothing to do with me. I woke up feeling emotionally hung-over and worried about his visit tonight.

I have some grocery shopping and cleaning to do, so I'll keep busy, but I'm anxious about seeing him at all. We've had to reschedule our MC appt w/ new C twice now and so haven't been to C for over 1 month. In these past 8 mos the only time we really talk openly is in MC.

I honestly don't know how much longer I can handle being in this limbo, yet - if there's a chance in heaven - I still want to save my marriage. It will surely take a MIRACLE.

It is not my nature to stay in limbo, procrastinate, put anything off. If I can do something, anything, to keep things moving I usually do. This whole sitch runs counter to my nature!! If someone would have asked me "what would you do if H cheated on you?" I would have certainly replied "divorce him". But here I am, H is "in love" w/ Ow, continuing to deepen that R (I assume) day by day, and has stated that we are not compatible and "I can't be in this R anymore".

What am I to do???

Isn't there a point where the likelihood of H coming back is slim to none? Seems that point is here already!

Why am I waiting? - someone remind me please.

Love, my dear. That is why we wait. Besides, wouldn't you want him to do the same for you?


SuperStressed