Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy How do I behave around my cheating husband?

Thanks superstressed.

I feel so removed from our love, I'm beginning to question our whole relationship. Maybe it was all just an extended affair or puppy love or just a fantasy we projected. I mean, if it were *true* love would I be going through this? Would I be waiting for him to get tired on Ow?

Good memories come up now and then but in general I think I've gone into some sort of survival (defense) mode and can't seem to *feel* it very often.

Then I'll have these thoughts of him w/ Ow just pop into my mind and I'll feel angry, sad, disgusted, enraged. It's weird how it just comes up "out of the blue". I immediately try to stop myself from going on with the thoughts because I end up feeling depressed.

Tonight he picked up S3.5 from school after a long international flight and brought him home (to my place). He cooked dinner, did the dishes, and when I got home he said he wasn't going to stay much longer. We chatted for a while and then he left.

Tomorrow night I'm going out w/ some friends for dinner while H watches S 'til bedtime, then a friend will come over and be here while S (hopefully) sleeps. I'm looking forward to going out and dressing up! It won't hurt that H will see me in new black dress

Well, I pray the answer will be revealed and if it's meant to be our love will return.

Thanks for your kind words.

Went out and had a great time tonight with girlfriends. H didn't seem to bat an eye seeing me in new black dress. Could he really be completely "immune" to me now? Could he really be in love w/ Ow and over me?

Well, I had a pretty good week over all. It was my 2nd week at new job and S3.5 seems to be adjusting ok to earlier schedule. I, on the other hand, am exhausted.

I am so grateful for this job and really feel more empowered in my life again.

I wonder what my H thinks about me GAL.

All I can do is keep going forward, one day at a time.

M

Just want to say that at one point my H wouldn't hardly look at me or say anything to me. And the things he was saying to her (on texts of his phone) were incredible. It was like he never loved me, and has only loved her. He knew her before me and they dated for 6 months. We got pregnant right in the beginning and never got a chance to fall in love really. And ever since the beginning, I've always felt that he never truely loved me. It took him 4 years to marry me after we had our S and he lived in a whole other state the whole time.

So, don't lose hope yet. Although my sitch has been going thru phases really fast compared to others on here (A started 1-30-06 and he's asked to be alone for this month but he's been texting me everyday and totally talking about us making love and him thinking I look hot-have sent a couple sexy pics to him- and he wants us to come back home after July. I really don't know if we'll really get back together, but where we are at right now, is way way better then where we were!

So my point to all this is, even though he acts like he doesn't love you at all, you just keep it up, it may just take him longer to figure things out... aren't you guys pretty young? My husband is almost 33, so maybe your H is just gonna take a while because he's younger and probably doesn't even really know himself and never has yet.

Just keep looking good and having fun and displaying that to him. Maybe you shouldn't ask him very many questions about himself, and instead be preoccupied with all the new things your doing. Just MHO. Eventually my H seemed to start getting a little jealous, even though that's not how he is, because I was hinting around about other men talking to me and thinking I was hot when I would go out, and that I liked it. I think that is what really started the ball moving in my court. not sure though.

Anyways, stay strong and be the most beautiful person you can be, inside and out!

Thanks Stilltryin.

Wow, how awesome that you have the opportunity to get back together with your H soon! I wish you all the best.

Yes, my H is young (nearly 28) and I'm 38. When H and I started "courting" it was through writing because we lived in separate countries. Through that process I truly believed that he was more mature than many older men I knew. We had similar values and both wanted similar things out of life, love, etc.

We met in Jul-98, married in Apr-00, had S3.5 in Sept-02, separated Nov-05. We've been together 8 yrs and it was only within the last 2 years that I noticed a change in H's attitude.

He met Ow Sept-05, but he had already started his journey away from me months prior by getting into "Goth" websites, showing less interest in sex, always preoccupied, not enthusiastic about family occasions, etc.

There is no doubt in my mind that he is going through a major identity crisis and delayed adolescence. He doesn't even look the same.

Well, I did something different today. It came to my awareness in the past couple of months just how critical I had been of him for "stupid little things". There was one thing in particular that used to annoy me and I had no problem telling him so. Well, looking back I can't believe I ever came down on him for that. So...it was truly from my heart - with no expectations - to try and convey to him how sorry I am about those things. I left him a voice message early afternoon. Well, he called me just before 8pm when I was reading stories w/ son. I immediately said "oh, do you want to talk to S3.5?", he said yeah, but wanted to talk to me first. He said he got my message and was totally surprised and has been thinking about it all day. He said "I don't know if you'll believe this, but it means a lot to me". Then he said "I don't know what to say, I wish I could find something fitting to say". I said, "you don't have to say anything, it was just important to me that I tell you that". And then I passed him to our S.

I swear, it was the first time in all of this that I felt like he truly heard me. And I really want him to know that - despite his betrayal - I am owning up to my part. I truly am sorry for my mistakes.

I wonder what will happen next....

That is a great step for you! There were a couple times after realizing the critical behavior I had and neediness I showed, that I told my H I was sorry for what I had done, and that he was right about our marriage being miserable, and I take part responsibility for our destructive relationship, but that I did not take any responsibility for his A.

Anyways, I think that was a great thing that happened. Now you need to show him that you are sincere and prove him by your actions what you have appologized for, cuz now, hopefully, he will be "watching" you.

I almost feel bad about saying this to you, but I say it for the reason that my R with my H has never been right from the start. The whole time I never really was sure that he wanted to be married to me, but we had a child, and I think he partially did it to do the right thing. But last night he told me that he wants me to be his wife forever and he's sorry for everything that he's done.

I just really believe that what you guys had was real.. I mean you did everything in the right order. you had time to get to know each other, especially since it couldn't be sexual. Then you got M, and had time to live together b4 kids were involved. So, my point, is that you guys are meant to be together. And as you have stated, he has lost his identity and if he doesn't know who he is, he can't be your H now anyways.

I will pray for you and that your H will realize the grave he is digging for himself soon.

Keep your head up, you can do this!
Crissy

Hi Stilltryin,

Thanks for your post. I am truly happy for you! Do you know any specifics yet on how you will proceed? How awesome!

Yes, H and I did everything in the "right order" and - I believe - we loved each other very much. We practically walked on fire to be together and seemed to truly honor, respect and love each other.

Until some huge life stressors jumped in (new baby, financial, family, jobs, moving to another country, different roles, etc). We took it all on and, IMO, H cracked under the pressure. He just didn't/doesn't have the ego-strength, maturity, whatever you want to call it - to speak up about his inner turmoil.

What I fear the most is that he is "meant to be" with Ow. That I was just a stepping stone to this new R. I imagine them as happy as can be, suited for each other, etc. But I wonder what kind of person she is to want to be with married man w/ child, and a man that is struggling in every way. I wonder how she tolerates H being here 3 nights per week and all day Sunday. I wonder if she just a doormat for him, or the type of woman who will just do everything to please "him" in order to keep him. Well, I don't even know her name or anything about her - except that she is into Goth too, I've seen her picture, she was in a bad car accident in the Winter which had her in a coma for 1 month, she works, lives w/ a roomate, her mother has bi-polar disorder, and she's probably close to H's age (28).

Anyway, nothing new today. I went to my family's house in the country which was fun while H stayed home w/ S3.5. H asked whose birthday it was and when I said my neice's name he looked sad (they were very close and he knows that she misses him terribly). But, if he won't try for S, he won't try for neice.

One day at a time!

Thank you for your prayers.

Best of luck to you in your next adventure...

Monica,

Quote:

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What I fear the most is that he is "meant to be" with Ow. That I was just a stepping stone to this new R. I imagine them as happy as can be, suited for each other, etc.

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You have to stop all this negative thinking. You don't know this to be true and it is only going to make you feel worse. Never forget all that you and your H went through to be together. Real and meaningful love takes sacrifice.


SuperStressed

Don't you remember when you were single, and every single girl knew you just didn't get involved with a married man, because they would just use you and never leave their wives for you.

I like to remember that in times like this...

Dear superstressed and flip,

Thank you so much for your posts! You're both right...

I'm working on the negative thinking thing, sometimes it takes monumental effort to believe that H could ever "choose me" again. I saw a pic of Ow and of course she is younger, "prettier" version of me. My H always assured me that I was the kind of woman he was attracted to - my coloring, hair color, etc. Well, guess what Ow looks like! But she's younger and wears combat boots

Yes, I do think of that old adage - that married men never choose Ow over wife in the end. I pray that's true.

But why do I want to be with H who cheats, lies, tells Ow she is the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, etc? Is he so far off the deep-end into identity crisis that I can truly "write off" or rationalize his current behavior? Is someone (H) truly capable of maturing and becoming more like the person I fell in love with again?

I know he'll never be the same - the man I originally fell in love with - but lately I've been imagining what it would be like to be with him again GIVEN THE CHANCE. Would I ever be able to trust him? Would I be attracted to him? Etc?

Tomorrow H and I have our 1st appt w/ new MC. I am very anxious about it because I fear he has been waiting for that to be able to tell me he wants a D. He's the one who wanted to continue our C (for communication for sake of co-parenting), but I wonder if it's just so he can drop the D-bomb in a "safe" place. Well, I guess I'll find out tomorrow.

I truly appreciate the feedback I receive here, otherwise I just feel like I'm whistling in the dark.

Does anyone have any thoughts on 28 yr old's identity crises?

Hey Monica, I too am wondering what I am going to feel when he comes back, because HE WILL COME BACK! See, that is positive thinking! In DR Michele talks about the resentment we may feel when they come back. I figure that out when I get there.

I also have been struggling with, "Why am I trying so hard for a man that threw everything away so easily?"

I think that must be part of detaching. It helps us to let go and GAL. It's not really a question I can answer when people (i.e. my mother ) ask it. It is just a feeling I have a knowing I guess.

When he comes back, it will be on my terms and we will have a stronger relationship for the trouble. That is worth all the work I am doing now.