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Well,I am embarrassed to tell you that I had a bad night last night !! I really can't explain what happened. I had been a touch blue during the day but that was just from missing my H. I honestly hadn't been thinking about anything else. The kids called and we decided to go to a baseball game instead of hanging out here which was fine by me since I thought it would help to get out of the house. Talked to my H before I left and we had a really great talk. He could tell that I sounded a little blue and he was sweet and loving and said all the right things and I was feeling better when he hung up. Had a good time with my kids and grand daughter. Got home kind of late so decided not to call my H . Knew he and the guy he is rooming with would be sleeping (talked to him earlier too and he told me they had an early tee time).Anyway,as I said I can't explain what happened...all I know is I climbed into that big,cold,empty king size bed ,looked over at the pictures of my H I keep on the table and burst into tears!! Then wouldn't you know it....the thoughts of the A came flooding back. I thought about him being with her and the things she wrote in those letters about the things they did and the things she wanted to do and I cried until I was sick!! The weird thing is I never once thought that he was doing anything this trip!! Is that crazy or what? I honestly never even went there!! All I was thinking about was what happened over a year ago. Talk about feeling like an IDIOT this morning !! I did try to tell myself all the things I usually do.."IT IS OVER and HAS BEEN OVER FOR A LONG TIME".."HE LOVES YOU"..."HE NEVER LOVED HER"... "THINGS ARE REALLY GREAT BETWEEN US"...But none of that worked this time. What happened to me? I thought that I was doing so great!! I had been telling you about how good things were going and now I have to tell you that I "flipped out"!! I am really embarrassed but I knew that this was the one place I could come and talk about what happened and someone would understand!! Boy,did that ever help!! Do you think I'm "losing it" or is this just a little "set back" caused by being lonely? You know how my H hates to talk about what happened so I am not even sure I should tell him about "falling apart" like that. What do you think? I'm not sure it would accomplish anything. I really can't even explain to myself what caused it. It has been a LONG time since I have even shed a tear over it!! OK... The main thing is I feel ok now and I don't feel like crying anymore and I am not worried...I am just feeling like an IDIOT for "going to pieces" that way!! Thanks for being here for me and thanks for all your support and help!! Don't know what I'd do without you!!!!! pfroglady

Dear Pfroglady,

Oh, no. What is this I'm hearing? Are you telling me you're H-U-M-A-N? Well, now I know the world is going to hell in a hand basket! (never was really sure what that mean!!)

You know what, I think what happened to you last night was not only normal, but very healthy. How can you expect for that NOT to happen once in a while? Just think about it as continuing the purge the ugliness from your mind. Each time you do that, it takes a little more of the pain away until finally, hopefully, when the memories to come back the emotions they bring along with them won't be so intense.

Honey, you're just being way too hard on yourself. You are absolutely NOT an idiot. You have to realize you have post-traumatic stress syndrome. After all, living through the horrors of discovering H's A was very traumatic, very painful. Is there anything more painful? Maybe the death of a loved one. But in a way I think the discovery of an A is like a death. Your relationship will never be the same. You will never think of your H in quite the same way. Yes, I know things are really good for you two now, but if you're like me you're thinking, Hey, things could've been this good without having an A and ripping my heart out.

I'm glad to hear your feeling better this today. I don't think I'd tell your H about last night. What would be the point? Show him how strong and confident you are. Show him you trust him and KNOW he would never hurt you like that again. I think our men are very protective of us, and having come to their senses about the pain they've caused they will never, ever do anything to cause that kind of pain again.

I hope you know in the first paragraph above I was trying to be humerous. I just wanted to lighten things up a little. Believe me, I know exactly what you went through last night. I've been having a little bit of that today -- after almost two weeks of exceptional PMA. I've also chided myself about it, but I also realize I can't just sweep my feelings under the rug. That is just not healthy.

Just one more night. Hold on. Take a muscle relaxant . Get plenty of sleep so you'll be in tip-top shape when H returns tomorrow.

We're all here for you,

Matilda

OK....I am back on track!! Thanks for the post Matilda!! I can always count on you to make me feel better about myself and even make me smile !! You seem to always know what to say!!I tried to stay busy today (did some house cleaning !!) Did pretty good most of the day. A short time ago I ran me a tub of hot water,lit some candles,turned on some music,turned on my "spa" and relaxed with a small bottle of wine!! I wasn't sure if or when hubby would call because they were having an awards banquet tonight and setting up everything for the game tomorrow morning. While I was relaxing and thinking "wicked" thoughts he called!! Talk about perfect timing!!!! He said he had gone out to the van so he could have some privacy to talk before he went back in for the final part of the banquet. Let's just say we had a VERY PLEASANT conversation and I can't wait for tomorrow night to see if he can fulfill his promise !!!! I have taken my pills (and with a little help from the wine) I should sleep good tonight!! NO MORE TEARS!!!! I am heeding your advice and NOT telling my H about flipping out!! He asked me how I was doing and I told him that besides missing him like crazy I was doing ok!! And I am...now !! Well,I'm headed for bed. Thanks again for your support,your encouragement,your friendship and for being there when I need a "lift"!!! I knew I could count on you!!!! Have a great night and I'll be in touch.
pfroglady

GOOD MORNING EVERYONE!! Guess you can tell by the grin on my face that my H got home safe and sound Sunday evening and we made up for the 6 days and 5 nights he was away on his trip!! He called me every night he was gone (something he never used to do) and he even brought me a present (also something he never ever did before)...2 frogs for my collection (I now have 1247!!). Anyway,we were in the bed 15 minutes after he got in -sorry it took so long but he wanted to give me my gift and then we had to have a few hugs and kisses first !! Sorry... am I embarrassing you? Well,without going into details let's just say that Sunday night and Monday morning and Monday afternoon and Monday night we tried really hard to make up for the time he was gone !!!! Not bad for a couple of "old foggies" !! I never mentioned that I had my little "episode" and I could tell that he was happy that I didn't bring up anything or anybody!! I didn't want to spoil his homecoming and I was just so darn happy to have him home that all thoughts of the A and the B**CH were wiped out of my mind!! When he left for work this morning he told me that he was really glad he took yesterday off to spend with me before going back to work and that I made him feel so great that even the thought of all the work he has to catch up on today doesn't bother him! He told me that he feels so loved,happy and fulfilled!! WOW!! The guy can be a romantic little devil when he tries!! Anyway,just wanted to let you know that things are back to normal for me (for now anyway ) and that I appreciate the "hand holding" and words of encouragement when I went to pieces the other day!! It means so much to me that I have this place to come when I am going through a bad time or when I am feeling good. It is so great to have people to talk to who understand what you are going through and are always there for you no matter what!! Bless you all!!!! pfroglady

Post traumatic stress. . .so that's what this is.

Froglady, I know of a lady who has a huge collection of frog thingies. People are always bringing her froggie tokens to add to it.

Thanks for posting about what you're going through. We all learn from each other and help each other through this.

Not embarrassed in the least From all of us "old foggies" out here, you go girl!!

I love hearing the happiness in your words. I've had moments of that kind of happiness lately. I'm praying those moments get longer and longer.

Matilda

HI EVERYBODY! I have something I would like to get some thoughts and opinions on. Yesterday I was having a conversation with my girlfriend about marriage,men,etc.,etc. (keep in mind that she doesn't know that my H had an A..I haven't told ANYONE I know). She brought up the subject of H's cheating. She is one of those people that believes that "once a cheater,always a cheater". I told her that I believe that even though there is NEVER an excuse for cheating I feel that circumstances could lead someone to be tempted to have an A. I also believe that if the difficulties in the marriage are fixed and there is love,a spouse can be faithful from then on. What do you think? I am finally at a point where my heart is telling me that my H wouldn't cheat on me again. I believe that we have addressed the problems we were having and we have eliminated them. She also said that she didn't think a man could resist temptation. I would like to believe that there are men (and women) out there that can remain faithful no matter what happens in their marriage. I used to think that my H was one of those people but boy was I ever wrong!! He was tempted and he was in a place in his head where he gave in to the temptation. I wanted to tell her that I knew for a fact that no matter how unhappy or depressed or how many problems you are having in your marriage there are some people that can remain faithful because I was one of them!! But I just really didn't want to tell her about that part of my life. I just told her that I believed that it is possible to be tempted but resist that temptation and be true to your vows. So let me know what you think. Are there some of you guys (or ladies) out there that have been tempted and resisted? I'd like to know that I am not alone in my beliefs!! I asked a couple other friends what they thought and they tended to agree with the first friend!! pfroglady

I don't believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater." There are S's who cheat once and never do it again. Some don't realize how much pain they have caused until it's over and then they wake up and realize what they could have lost. They are grateful that they have a second chance and won't cheat again. There are people who learn from their mistakes.

One thing I have seen is that there are women (and maybe men too but I have only observed women doing it) who set out to get a man and don't care who they hurt in the process. They don't care if he is married or has a family. They want him and that is all that matters. They do homework on the guy. Find out his likes and dislikes and begin to be the "perfect woman" for him. I saw one woman in an office where I worked who began to watch sports, changed her perfume, brought homemade goodies to the office, laughed at his jokes, offered to help him after hours with his work, asked him to help her find a car, etc, etc, etc. We couldn't believe he couldn't see through this, but he was blind as a bat when it came to her. She totally set him up. Sometimes affairs don't happen because the person goes looking. Sometimes they happen because the OP set things up for the H to fall.

I bet each one of us if we were real scum could think about someone we know that we could do this to and get an affair started. Especially if you don't put a time frame on it.

There are people who will never cheat no matter what the temptation. I would like to think I'm one of those who never will, but we don't know for sure what we will do until that temptation hits us. I pray that temptation won't come my way.

I used to think I could never forgive my H if he cheated, but I know now that if he were truly sorry and I felt I could trust him again, then I would give him another chance. If you feel you can trust him again, then don't let these people influence you in another direction.

Hart

I don't prescribe to the "once a cheater always a cheater" theory either. As a matter of fact, I was reading an article on the "Smart Marriages" site that stated the majority of people who cheat only do it once. Most people are monogamus most of the time! Thank God!!

As far as the OW's out there who spin their web, this was certainly true in my H's case. I had it on good authority (OW x-H) that the OW set her sights on my H and went full bore to get him. My H is not a pursuer (this, again, was borne out by this x-H who knew my H and said my H NEVER put the moves on anyone). I was told that my H's boss had an interest in the OW, but she told someone that she wanted my H. She started her campaign and eventually was sucessful. She knew all the right things to say to make him "feel good" about himself. Interestingly enough, now he feels so shitty about himself he'll probably never fully recover. I take no responsiblity away from my H in this matter. He had ALL the responsiblity for saying no to her. But I can direct a great deal of my anger towards her because if she had respected the boundries of marriage, my life would not have been turned upside down.

Matilda

Matilda...I have thought and thought about the XOW and why I have all this anger toward her and these feelings that I'd like to hurt her. I realize that my H was in a bad place and if he hadn't cheated with her he would have found someone else. I don't think she was all that great but she did tell him things he needed to hear and she gave his ego a boost. I guess the thing is that she knew he was married. I am sure he told her a lot of crap about our relationship and she chose to believe every word out of his lying cheating mouth. She decided that she wanted him and it really didn't matter to her if he was married or not (I still think that she was desperate for a man !!). Some women are just that way I guess! I checked out this site where TOW go to tell their tales and it is sickening!! These women make themselves out to be so hurt and betrayed it makes you want to throw up!! I found myself wondering if the WH**E my H had a fling with visited this site. I know I am fortunate in that she didn't try to cause trouble after my H ended the A. She did try to get her D to try and stir things up when he told her that they couldn't be friends and that all communication was over. But I am glad that she didn't try to tell me things or send me things I'd rather not have heard or seen. I still have these thoughts of telling her things but even that is fading away. She just really doesn't matter..she is less than nothing to me. I guess I will never understand why a decent woman would mess around with a married man. There are plenty of single men out there!! I know that even though my self esteem was low and I was so unhappy and depressed the thought of finding a man to tell me things to boost my ego and make me feel good never crossed my mind!! I know there are women that do but it is just not me. We are gonna make it Matilda... we are just too strong and we love our men too much not to!!