Quote: I know you can detect when I get frustrated but I will spare you the necessity of reading through a long post and go ahead and tell you I am getting perturbed.
I can! Thank you for caring enough to continue to post. I know that a lot of my problem personally and as a result, maritally are because I don't see myself or my actions very clearly way too often.
Quote: If I were to ask you what screwed up your marriage I would guess that your answer would be "the affair".
The affair is NOT what screwed up your marriage. It began long before that and the only part you have any control over is that part that you contributed.
Yes, that would be true. I would have said that before. But, in the past 5 months I have begun taking a hard look at myself and my actions that contributed to the deterioration of our marriage. THAT did not happen overnight. I never worked to separate from my W to GAL during our M to nurture myself and allow her the opportunity to want to be with me. I truly believe that is the largest error I made because my needs were not being met b/c I was smothering her and she was running from me to "relax." I have only recently owned THAT.
Quote: THAT is why this is about you and changing yourself.
I didn't SEE it until you hit me over the head with THIS sledgehammer of a post. Sometimes I truly cannot see the forest for the trees.
Quote: You CAN pray that AS YOU ARE CHANGING your wife's heart will be turned back to you and your family will be restored but you can not pray that God will just magically change your wife's will. Our wills are largely formed by the things we like, dislike, want and need. I'm sorry but right now your wife doesn't like you a whole lot. Notice "want" is BEFORE "need"....because we often have to get burned by the fires from many of the things we "want" just to learn about what we REALLY "need"...
Again praying for outcomes. It is so frustrating that others can see my follies so clearly and I am the one making the darn mistakes and can't see what I am doing in time to STOP. I don't know if that is common to others, but it sure as heck is a problem of mine.
Quote: Do you even realize that you really do have some issues?
I thought I did realize the extent of my issues. WRONG! Then I read your post and it has looped in my head like a runaway freight train carrying all the noisy, annoying, troubling issues I have dragged around for a lifetime. I truly thought I had dealt with more of my issues, but today I have backslid a lot and have had kind people who care about me kindly rub my nose in my "stuff."
Quote: I am not being mean to you but every one of us that's here, has issues and are either in the very early process of discovering what they are or we are in the process of working through them.
So, I am really one of many and have just realized I am in the club?
Quote: So far, your entire goal is just to get your wife back.
Yes.
Quote: Well, what the hell are you gonna do with her when she gets there?!!
I know, short-sighted and lacking a plan is no way to go through life. Thank you for pointing my foibles out to me.
Quote: You haven't changed. Sure you have hurt, but that's not the same.
I thought I already had. Does that count for anything? W/O humor now, I truly see my misdirected efforts to DB. I have neglected to focus on the one person whom I have complete control over. ME! I have instead chosen to focus on my W's (in my opinion, of course) areas of needed personal work. The other area I have chosen to focus on is our M. Can I say DUMMY? I didn't even recognize how far off base I was from where my true target needs to be.
Quote: SHE sure doesn't seem to have changed much at all for the better. YOU can't change her.
I get it! Finally. Focus on changing me. Going forward I will focus on me and my journey. THAT I will do.
Quote: YOU MUST WALK through your own crap and clean it up. You can't just ask God to let you track it back through the house!
No, I cannot track it back through the house. I will walk through my crap. Dirty and stinky as it all is. Your wife has to do the same.
Quote: You CAN NOT assist her on her journey and keep pushing yours to the back burner.
I am finally clear on that point.
Quote: Hasn't God gotten your attention yet? He shaking the hell out of your cage and all He's getting in return is a prayer that He will change HER?!
He got my attention today, throught his angel messenger AmyC. Thank you. As I stated, my focus is now firly planted on me.
Quote: Man, let Him change YOU.
I will pray for the changes to be the man that God always intened for me to be. I will listen for His word and look for His signs.
Quote: What if you are the one that He planned to reach HER THROUGH???????
NOW that question knocked me to my knees. I had NEVER even considered THAT possibility! Me?!?!? Being an instrument of God?!?!? WOW! THAT. WILL. PREACH.
Quote: Wake up.
I am awake NOW. Thanks to a kind, caring friend who is courageous, bold, and forthright. Thank you!
Quote: I get it! Finally. Focus on changing me. Going forward I will focus on me and my journey. THAT I will do.
SEE?
He IS still in the miracle business!
HH,
The biggest mistake you are making in my opinion is that you are still under the impression that your life, while totally screwed up, is still somehow within your control.
It is not.
The most difficult task ahead of you will actually be to submit.
To God.
That is a much harder thing for a man to do.
You are taught practically from birth to "fix" everything, take care of everything, to provide...submitting to God is EXTREMELY difficult for ANYONE to do but it is just much more difficult for a man because of the way they tend to be raised.
You are NOT in the minority.
Look around and see the rough start we ALL got in our efforts to DB.
The ONLY thing that sets me and a few others apart is that when we arrived here, He'd already broken us down.
We'd already been through the self-realization part of this and were looking to start climbing OUT of the pit.
MOST people get that after arriving here, from what I can see.
But nevertheless, ALL of us backslide.
ALL of us get sick and tired of having to be patient and God KNOWS we get sick of having to keep 'digging a little deeper'. Remember I told you, we are ALL on the same road, just at different points along the way.
So do NOT beat yourself up.
Today I blasted you.
Rest assured, when I start heading in the wrong direction, I have people that have no problem stopping by my thread and telling me to pull my head out of my a$$ .
THIS struggle is something God brought you TO and He WILL bring you THROUGH.
Never let the backsliding or the moments of hopelessness get you too far down.
You have an enemy sitting right outside your door just waiting to devour you.
You tell him THIS IS FOR GOD'S GLORY and his work in your family IS DONE so he needs to get to steppin off your porch.
Now tomorrow is a new day.
We don't get 'do-overs' but praise the Lord, His mercy is new each morning.
Quote: I get it! Finally. Focus on changing me. Going forward I will focus on me and my journey. THAT I will do.
SEE? He IS still in the miracle business!
Yes, He IS!!! When I am really getting down on myself, I'd be inclined to say that if He can get the MY thick skull, He can do anything! But, I am not down on myself now, thanks to you, so...Praise the Lord!
Quote: The biggest mistake you are making in my opinion is that you are still under the impression that your life, while totally screwed up, is still somehow within your control.
Amy, I am going to start charging you rent for taking up residence inside my head. Kinda roomy in there, ain't it?
Quote: It is not.
Got this far into my life only to find out I've been lying to msyelf all along. Oooooh, I hate when that happens.
Quote: The most difficult task ahead of you will actually be to submit. To God.
Again, if I didn't know better, I'd think we had known each other for years. I am truly struggling with this.
Quote: That is a much harder thing for a man to do. You are taught practically from birth to "fix" everything, take care of everything, to provide...submitting to God is EXTREMELY difficult for ANYONE to do but it is just much more difficult for a man because of the way they tend to be raised. You are NOT in the minority.
Don't I know it. However, it's good to know that I am not a freak, I'm just a man. ALL of us backslide. I certainly do. Again, it's good to know I am not alone in my affliction of backsliding despite my best intentions and efforts.
Quote: ALL of us get sick and tired of having to be patient and God KNOWS we get sick of having to keep 'digging a little deeper'.
Great to know I am NOT alone.
Quote: Today I blasted you.
NP, just what I needed to snap my out of my messed up "reality" so I can join everyone else's reality.
Quote: THIS struggle is something God brought you TO and He WILL bring you THROUGH.
Couldn't He have made an appointment and let met fit my growth and situation into MY schedule?? OK, fine. Now is also a good time to straighten out me and my life.
Quote: Never let the backsliding or the moments of hopelessness get you too far down.
I work on that daily. I'm doing very well for the most part. However, I find myself on the impetient porch wishing for movement in a positive directioni in my sitch. I know, tsk tsk.
Quote: You have an enemy sitting right outside your door just waiting to devour you. You tell him THIS IS FOR GOD'S GLORY and his work in your family IS DONE so he needs to get to steppin off your porch.
Getting better at this also.
Quote: Now tomorrow is a new day. We don't get 'do-overs' but praise the Lord, His mercy is new each morning.
I do prais Him and thank him for His mercy, several times daily.
I wanted to let you know that I have requested that a DB war veteran known to us affectionately as "Frank_D", drop in on you and post some of his thoughts.
If I know Frank, he's going to carefully digest every word you have written from day one and THEN he will drop you a monster of a post.
When you see that he has posted to you, grab yourself a #2 pencil, a drink and a sandwich, because "school" will be officially in session.
My day was trying. I have been working to focus my mental efforts on ME and is that trying as all heck?!? I've got a TON of material to work with to mold me into that man that God always intened for me to be.
Quote: I wanted to let you know that I have requested that a DB war veteran known to us affectionately as "Frank_D", drop in on you and post some of his thoughts. If I know Frank, he's going to carefully digest every word you have written from day one and THEN he will drop you a monster of a post.
I look forward to his ruminations with GREAT anticipation. Lord knows, I need all the help/direction that is so thoughtfully offered.
Quote: When you see that he has posted to you, grab yourself a #2 pencil, a drink and a sandwich, because "school" will be officially in session.
NICE! Can hardly wait. BTW, should the drink be one of the alcohol persuasion? JK. Thank you again for your kindness, thoughtfulness, helpfulness and proactive nature. Your posts keep me going often from day to day as I trudge through my sitch.
Uh oh...Frank's on the way? Sorry HH...lol. No, seriously, Frank was/is one of my DB idols. His major contribution to these boards has traditionally been through his detailed and beautifully posted accounts of his own journey but when he does stop in on a thread, it is usually right to the point and spot on. If you can hear what he has to say, Frank can help you, of that I am sure. He is no god or anything, but he does have a knack for getting to the root of the issues in a hurry.
efforts to DB. I have neglected to focus on the one person whom I have complete control over. ME! I have instead chosen to focus on my W's (in my opinion, of course) areas of needed personal work. The other area I have chosen to focus on is our M. Can I say DUMMY? I didn't even recognize how far off base I was from where my true target needs to be.
OK, fine. Now is also a good time to straighten out me and my life. 