Marital troubles. My fault; I had an affair. When my W asked me if my having an A was true, I was mortified, embarassed, and I did NOT want to admit it to my W so, (for me, of course), I lied about stepping out of my M. Yes, I had though. I am not proud of what I did and I am still horribly embarassed.
Unfortunately, I am now the liar because my W and my in-laws believe that since I did what I did, I am suspect in everything. To them, I AM the liar. I am nothing else. It's that black and white to them. THAT is making working here untenable. I don't know what exactly is going to happen, but I may ending needing to quit and work elsewhere. I have such a loyalty to my MIL and her business, yet she has no loyalty to me. That fact is making my decicion easier.
Lately, my knees have been buckling too frequently. The enemy is rounding up his troops to wreak havoc on my life, my W, my M,and my family. People are working hard to make my life more difficult and to try and convince me that believing in my W and M is useless/fruitless. My faith has held me up though, and I am leaning heavily on AmyC here for spiritual guidance and support. I BELIEVE and have STRONG FAITH that my God is 100% for redemption, restoration, and reconciliation.
The good news for is that I will be moving into 2 weeks to my new place. I will continue looking for a new job that I will be able to support myself and our children with. In fact, I have another test at a national company on Monday for a sales position. My experience in looking for a job in April/May has been that when I get an interview, I am offered the job. I turned down 2 job offers in May to stay at my present job. Nice, huh? The good news is that I am not afraid to be on the job hunt this time.
I asked you if you thought my wife was possibly going thru a MLC herself, and you responed as follows: that that you didn't think she was going thru a MLC, and offered these possible reasons:
Quote:
Revenge. And you have said it all along, she is using the A as some sort of get out of the marriage FREE card. For what it's worth, I am banking on her not being so shallow when the rubber meets the road.
After reading your thread and remarks that MLC is revisiting unresolved past issue and having a "troubled" childhood. THAT is my W exactly!!!
Although her parents were together until she was 15 ro 16, she was already heavily into drugs and looking to boys for affection/affirmation because her parents neglected her emotionally terribly. In her lucid times, she has always said she did not want to raise her children the way she was raised because she did not want to be like her mom. Unfortunately, she IS her mom. My MIL is better equipped to raise children in her 60's, but only marginally. Both my W and MIL expect us to have "Stepford" children. I don't. I want them to behave, and I don't want them to be socially unacceptable, but their behavior is "age appropriate." Both my W and MIL thing I treat our children with "kid gloves." If having both of my children behave for me and totally love on me is treating them with "kid gloves," then I'll take that criticism. This much I do know, both of my children know who dotes on them, who they can talk to and come to for comfort, and it's me. Everyone has always told me that I am the one who "waits on our children." I do that because, if I and my W are present, I get up and take care of them rather than seeing to see if my W will move to do so. I am not saying she is wrong, b/c if I am not there, I believe she will make the move to dote on them.
I have told my W, "You have emotional scars from your childhood and your parents. Do you want to perpetuate that cycle of neglect and emotional abandonment? I told her you are 31 years old and still impacted by the neglect from your parents." Sad thing is, I don't think she is capable of seeing/hearing it because God hasn't touched her eyes and ears to see His will and hear His message. Perhaps He has and she is still to entranced by the enemy. I pray daily for God to bestow his grace upon her, like he has on me and so many others. I know I am not perfect, but He has shown me His way; a better way. Every day, I stive to be perfect. Every day I am satisfied knowing that today, I worked diligently to be a better me than I was yesterday. Every day.
I also pray that my W is not looking for perfection in me, her H. I trust that perfection, as my undying goal; striving for Christ-like perfection, is sufficient for her to allow me inside her heart again as her husband and friend.
I also pray that a motorcycle accident is not what it will take to get her wander out of the winderness. I know that I had a major snowboarding accident and am only here by the grace of God. Even then, my head was so heard it took more traua than my week-long coma to move closer to Jesus and I walk my journey with Him daily b/c I was so far from Him and his grace, but not from his mercy. And so I pray...
Quote: Heavenly Father, thank you so much for all the wonderful blessings in my life; thank You for my perfect children, thank You for my wonderful wife, thank You for my loving family and my health. I also thank You for Your undying grace and everpresent mercy.
Lord, please care for my wife on her journey. She is on a path that she must be on at the moment, and I pray that You will touch her so that she will be able to see Your way and hear Your message. I also pray the You will touch her heart and mind so that she will be open to receiving Your vision and be grounded to be able to process Your path.
Lord Jesus, I also pray that You care for our children and for me while we are all on this journey working our way to glorify You in our reunification. Please assist me in my Bible readings to our beautiful daughter to illuminate Your word fantastically for her 5-year old mind's eye to see and remember the stories vividly. Please Lord, keep our children from any harm during this time of turmoil, ugliness and separation.
I also pray for my own redemption by my repantance. I pray that during this trying, scary, and hurtful time you will touch my W to soften her heart and stance with me to minimize the amount of hurtful and hateful things she says to me and within earshot of our children. I pray that You will help us bring about restoration and reconciliation in our marriage and in our famiy so that we may use ourselves as a great testament to the power and glory of God.
Amen.
I am fully aware that the enemy is gathering his forces to overrun me and my will to stay the course. He would like nothing more than for me to quit and give him the field of victory without even having to unsheath his battlesword. But I tell you all this, I will not quit until God tells me it is time to sheath my own battlesword and come home with Him. Until then, I will strengthen my spirit and my faith. I will sharpen my sword so that it will be ready for the fight of my life. In God and with Jesus, we will be victorious; we will not surrender, no matter how hopeless it may look!!
Quote: After reading your thread and remarks that MLC is revisiting unresolved past issue and having a "troubled" childhood. THAT is my W exactly!!!
I am certain that I never said that ALL MLC's are caused by childhood issues. Only that MINE was inluenced by my parents divorce and the fact that I never learned HOW to be married. I also believe that mine had to do with the fact I completely quit taking care of myself once I had kids. I no longer tried to better myself such as by going back to college and getting a career. When the kids were both in school, I was lost. THAT had much to do with my MLC. I just don't want you to think it is written in stone that MLC is always about one's childhood. I do not necessarily believe that, but also think it is a matter of what one did(or didn't do) in their early adult life. There are just too many variables in ones life for anyone to try to nail the cause down to just one thing.
Quote: I have told my W, "You have emotional scars from your childhood and your parents. Do you want to perpetuate that cycle of neglect and emotional abandonment? I told her you are 31 years old and still impacted by the neglect from your parents."
WHEN did you tell her this? IMO, that was a bad move. YOu have once again exalted yourself above her and you think you know more than she does.
Sometimes wisdom means you keep your mouth shut.
If her parents divorce has impacted her current behavior then that is something she was have to walk out on her on.
I'm glad you have refired but your statement to her above implies you still need to concentrate more on your own issues than on hers.
I think it's safe to say that I don't know much about what is going on in my W's head. I didn't grow up and have the same experiences, hurts or joys. I do have a deep desire to understand and "fix" her. NOT a good way to be or go, I know. I seem to have a need to put a label on what I see as wrong in her. Again, not a good way to be or go.
Quote: I have told my W, "You have emotional scars from your childhood and your parents. Do you want to perpetuate that cycle of neglect and emotional abandonment? I told her you are 31 years old and still impacted by the neglect from your parents."
The quote above is from me and the quote below is from Amy responding to my quote above.
Quote: WHEN did you tell her this? IMO, that was a bad move. YOu have once again exalted yourself above her and you think you know more than she does.
Sometimes wisdom means you keep your mouth shut.
D&mn it! &^%#&%$!!!! I told her that when it came to light that she was acting in a manner that I did not agree with and we did not agree upon with regard to our daughter and OM.
You know, I have the uncanny ability to act so stupid sometimes. What's worse is that I do this the worst when I am thinking I am "helping" her see the error of her ways (and see things MY way) NOT exalting myself above her. At least that is the way my wacky brain justifies it at the time. And I know that THAT makes it all worse for her. Ugh. &^*&^!!
Quote: If her parents divorce has impacted her current behavior then that is something she was have to walk out on her on.
As I have to walk on my own "stuff."
Quote: I'm glad you have refired but your statement to her above implies you still need to concentrate more on your own issues than on hers.
Ya' think? Between you and GH, I am often having my n*ts squeezed in the DB/DR vice getting myself sorted out. Thank you, Amy. I will certainly think much more deeply about my friends, Amy and GH, who are not afraid to bust me one in the chops for stepping out of line, especially in my DB efforts. I hate to be told I have backslid instead of feeling it coming and avoiding it altogether.
Maybe a good rule of thumb for you for the next couple months or so would be if you think something about ANYTHING pertaining to your wife...KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.
You need to stop trying to figure out your wife's problems and instead figure out YOURS.
Quote: You know, I have the uncanny ability to act so stupid sometimes.
Don't we all. Now the trick is to know this in advance, and do what it takes not to act stupid! Think all you want, but don't ACT!
It's tough. I'm going through it today. But the crazy spell will pass. Try not to do anything while you're having this crazy spell. I guarantee you whatever you do will be stupid.
David
The fires of true love can never be quenched, because the source of its flame is God Himself! - Shulamith
Quote: Maybe a good rule of thumb for you for the next couple months or so would be
if you think something about ANYTHING pertaining to your wife...KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.
Not MAYBE. Definitely! In other words you are telling me to SHUT UP ALREADY! You have previously told me that I talk TOO MUCH! That fact has truly been becoming crystal clear to me. I am focused now to stop that trend of diarrhea of the mouth. Yeck I am so steeped in my own sh*t that I can't see anything about me, her and us correctly and I am drowning in my "good intentions" gone bad b/c I still am trying to control what I cannot possbibly control! Heck, I can't even control myself to think straight or behave propery in my sitch.
I often feel like my situation is quicksand; the more I struggle to control everything, the more I panic and slowly sink to the inevitable (or so it seems) demise of my DB efforts.
Quote: You need to stop trying to figure out your wife's problems and instead figure out YOURS. Otherwise, you will not win this fight.
That's just the way it is.
Dig deeper.
INTO YOUR OWN CRAP.
I KNOW! I have a burning desire to win THIS fight! I want my W, my M, and my family back intact. Unfortunately, I am struggling to turn over everything in my life to HIM. Honestly, I am really unclear on HOW to do so. This much I believe, a quick and easy way does NOT exist, despite my longing for one. As the saying goes though, if you don't know where you are going, ANY road will get you there. Grrrr. I am lost!! and am only getting myself more lost each day.
We had a MC who told me that it is much easier to play in someone else mess b/c it is a rest from looking at and straightening up my own mess. THAT really rang true with me. I, like most people I imagine, can see the speck in my brother's(wife's) eye even though I pay no attention to the plank in my own.
As the Bible says in John 8:7, when the town was wanting to stone a woman for adultery, and continued confronting Jesus, the story followed: When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her."
Quote: Now the trick is to know this (the uncanny ability to act stupidly) in advance, and do what it takes not to act stupid! Think all you want, but don't ACT!
I will work do do that errr... or not do that!
Quote: It's tough. I'm going through it today. But the crazy spell will pass. Try not to do anything while you're having this crazy spell.
I will work my hardest to be idle instead of stupid and follow your advice and Amy's.
Quote: I guarantee you whatever you do will be stupid.
I have witnessed this firsthand, unfortunately. I will sit still and let life come to me instead of creating a sh*tstorm and running to get in the middle of it to marvel at the chaos and wonder how it all came to be. Again, sometimes I create a disaster in my life and wonder how it all happened. Bleck.
Quote: sometimes I create a disaster in my life and wonder how it all happened.
STOP RIGHT THERE.
YOU'VE GOT IT.
THAT is what you need to take to God in prayer. THAT is what you need to address. Think back over every year of your married life and ask God to show you how HE saw your actions/attitudes/behaviors. If you sincerely want to know, you will find out.
THEN buckle up, because that's where the ride REALLY starts to rock.
It is necessary though if you want to rise to a new level as an individual, a husband and a believer.
Wow, I look forward to the ride of my life. I definitely want & need to rise to a new level as an individual, a husband, and a believer. I will follow this path, Amy. I will trust you and your guidance. I am not afraid. I am excited.
I am so steeped in my own sh*t that I can't see anything about me, her and us correctly and I am drowning in my "good intentions" gone bad b/c I still am trying to control what I cannot possbibly control! Heck, I can't even control myself to think straight or behave propery in my sitch.
Again, sometimes I create a disaster in my life and wonder how it all happened. Bleck.