Tonight I am at our house spending time with our children. My W's good friend/neighbor (f/n) down the street was on the corner watching her child play with my D and some other neighborhood children. I spoke with f/n for quite some time. She and her H are in the beginning stages of a D also. We talked and supported each other to stay strong, and focus on our children. I don't know if her impending D is her decision, his or both of theirs and didn't want to ask b/c I would then be obligated to tell our story from my point of view and THAT would have gone over like a fart in church with my W.
My W has always accused me of trying to "steal" HER friends whenever we were having problems, so I really try to NOT give too much of myself in any conversation with those people she considers HER friends because I don't want the backlash.
F/n made a comment about working things out (in my M) and that was followed by a comment about dating others (NOT e/o). I responded to the portion about my NOT being interested in dating (again, NOT e/o)but she thought I was talking about not being interested in getting back together with my W. I corrected that and told her that I was talking about my not being interested in dating others. F/n then said I would really love to see the two of you get back together.
F/n is my W's good buddy and confidante. I WILL take that comment as a positive one, since this f/n is privy to ALL of my W's thoughts/feelings and she still made that comment. Perhaps God is working in mysterious ways through unexpected messengers. I am not attaching a lot of importance to f/n comment, but she did NOT have to say what she did and it was an unsolicited vote of hope for the restoration and reconciliation of my M. Hmmm....
And yet my W continues to run hard to get away from me and her feelings. I truly see her as being afraid of her feelings. For me, that would translate to living in my head and not in my heart. Always spelled disaster for me. I will continue to pray that God show her and tell her His plan and I pray that her heart is open to receiving His will. I also send positive thoughts/energy her way to assist her in defeating the enemy and driving the enemy from her life.
I truly believe that I know what God's plan is for me, my W, and my family. That plan is for our redemption, restoration and reconciliation so that He will be glorified in our lives together.
Ok, HH, I think we are discussing semantics. I think we are saying the same things but using different terms. For me, as someone who thinks WAY too much, I agree, my thoughts often betray me, but when I refer to head and heart, what I mean is that rational, calm thinking usually serves me better than making decisions on irrational thinking usually set forth by some rampant emotion.
To me, I equate heart with emotion and rash/irrational thought and head with rational/calm thought. It's ALL thoughts of course, it's just the origin I am concerned about.
I hear you though. I am EXTREMELY guilty (duh) of over thinking something, or flying off at the handle, THINKING all kinds of fantastical stuff, then reacting to those thoughts. That was actually the downfall of my marriage so I am VERY understanding when you say you want to live by your heart, not your head.
The thing is that my heart told me PAIN PAIN PAIN ANGER ANGER ANGER LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE when all this happened. If I had listened to my heart then, I would not have done all this. It was my head, REMEMBERING what my heart TRULY wanted in the long term, i.e. my W and my marriage, that made me choose THIS path.
HH, the point is that we have to try NOT to make decisions based on our current state of feeling OR mind. I guess to you, that is expressed by saying you follow your heart and to me, my head, but in the end, I think we both just mean we want to trust our instincts and try to stick to the plan we set forth in the beginning until REAL, SUFFICIENT reason comes along to rationally and calmly, CHANGE that plan.
Quote: For me, as someone who thinks WAY too much, I agree, my thoughts often betray me, but when I refer to head and heart, what I mean is that rational, calm thinking usually serves me better than making decisions on irrational thinking usually set forth by some rampant emotion.
For me, when events happen in my life that are hurtful, my head overrides my heart. My heart is where my authentic self resides. I agree with you, I need to consistently guage my heart/head factors to critically evaluate the direction I am leaning.
Quote: To me, I equate heart with emotion and rash/irrational thought and head with rational/calm thought. It's ALL thoughts of course, it's just the origin I am concerned about.
Yes, the origin of thought is interesting, but NOT so important to me. I always need to wade through the original thought and determine a proper course of action BEFORE making an irrational mess that I will need to clean up later. I have gotten so much better at doing this since growing in my faith, learning to DB, and leaning on my DB/DR brethren.
Quote: The thing is that my heart told me PAIN PAIN PAIN ANGER ANGER ANGER LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE when all this happened.
For me it's the opposite, but I think it IS just semantics between you and I, calling our thoughts/emotions or head/heart by different names.
Quote: If I had listened to my heart then, I would not have done all this.
I am usually betrayed by my head, not my heart. THAT is why I am deeply rooted in my heart and in growing my faith and trust in the Lord.
Quote: ...the point is that we have to try NOT to make decisions based on our current state of feeling OR mind. I guess to you, that is expressed by saying you follow your heart and to me, my head, but in the end, I think we both just mean we want to trust our instincts and try to stick to the plan we set forth in the beginning until REAL, SUFFICIENT reason comes along to rationally and calmly, CHANGE that plan.
Amen, brother. I am trusting my instincts/intuition and the more rooted I am in my heart, the more accurate my instincts/intuition. I am in this battle with the enemy until God presents REAL, SUFFICIENT reasons for me to "rationally and calmy" change my plan/tactics. THEN I will change my plan/tactics and keep on keepin' on.
Thank you again, GH. You are my light house in the dark, stormy seas of my life. You help me see you "light" and illuminate the correct direction for me to be taking.
More BS on the homefront. I don't know what it is about my interactions with my W's friends, but EVERY time I speak with them, my W comes back telling me that I said something negative about her and if the friend is female that I was hitting on her. Ugh.
I KNOW if I am hitting on someone. I know how to do so. I also know when I am just being me and I am being friendly. My W just called me to tell me that I shouldn't try to pick up on friend/neighbor (f/n) who I spoke with last night. My thoughts are WHAT?!?!?!?!?
I only talked with a woman whose child was out there playing with my child. I only talked about our parallel sitches b/c SHE brought up the topic, otherwise I would have just been cordial and kept to myself. Unbelievable! I guess my wife expects me to be seen and NOT heard. She apparently wants me to be rude and NOT engage people in conversation and she knows that is NOT me. I am friendly and talkative.
I wouldn't be hitting on f/n for 3 reasons: 1) Most importantly, I am not interested in dating anyone, 2) second, I am married, and 3) third, f/n is my W's friend, NOT mine, plus she is married. What's bothers me is that I actually had a nice conversation with my ex neighbor and it was related back to my W as me hitting on her. Heck, we talked about spouses, college days, our children, work, etc. It was a mundane talk. Again, to be told by my W that I was hitting on f/n is alarming to me for two reasons: 1) either my W is again embellishing to f/n story or 2) my W's verson is true and that actually is what f/n thought. Again, ugh.
I tell you, right now I can't win for losing. I can't seem to do anything right in my W's eyes and that is neither new nor unexpected. It does hurt and it sucks though. I seem to piss my W off even when I am not doing anything wrong. And trust me, I know how to do things purposely to piss her off, but that is definitely NOT my intention or desire.
I doubt the neighbor expressed any such thing to your wife.
I'd be willing to bet she just said you'd had a nice chat and you're a great guy and that pissed your wife off because it made her feel guilty for not taking you back and so she jumped on you and made up all that crap. See....If everyone sees you as a wonderful guy....then she imagines folks will look at HER as the sole source of the marital troubles....so she accuses you of being nice only because you were trying to hook up with the neighbor....thus making you wear the scarlet letter again, if only in her imagination.
Quote: I doubt the neighbor expressed any such thing to your wife.
My gut tells me that f/n didn't.
Quote: I'd be willing to bet she just said you'd had a nice chat and you're a great guy and that pissed your wife off because it made her feel guilty for not taking you back and so she jumped on you and made up all that crap.
My guess again is that f/n did say that we had a nice talk and she may have even made the "mistake" of telling my W what she told me which is that "it would be great if you two got back together."
Quote: See....If everyone sees you as a wonderful guy...
Most do. It bothers my W that I haven't fallen apart and turned into an a$$ like all of her friends have told her I will.
Quote: ...then she imagines folks will look at HER as the sole source of the marital troubles....so she accuses you of being nice only because you were trying to hook up with the neighbor....thus making you wear the scarlet letter again, if only in her imagination.
Ahhh, the benefit of having the clarity of looking at my sitch from the outside. You, Queen Amy, are wonderfully insightful, caring, giving and articulate. Thank you.
6/17/06- I left my W a msg about a closing accout statement that she left out for me. The account had only my name listed on the statement and had deposits going into it from the checking account. I left my W a msg to that effect, telling her that I didn't think transferring $$$ into a checking account in my name only was probably not what she intended to do. She calls me back berating me and telling me that she didn't appreciate my snooping into her accounts etc., calling me all kinds of choice names. I told her that I was only trying to do the right thing by leaving the msg I did and that I didn't deserve her treatment. She wouldn't let up and I let my hurt get the better of me and reacted abruptly rather than responding in a real feeling way. Finally, we figured out that I did open the savings account with the intention of putting her name on it and she did go down to the bank to effect the change, but her name was added to the signature card, but not added to system to read on the statement properly. She finally agreed that my leaving a msg was a good thing to do and I was only alerting her to what looked like an error on her part. She agreed and couldn't get off the phone fast enough. Ahhh, my marriage.
6/18/06- My W called me and acted "as if." I immediately owned up to my part in the previous day's converstion, apologizing for reacting poorly to her treatment and telling her there were several better ways for me to handle the sitch. She came right back and told me she was sorry for coming at me like that. She then told me that she was going to her father's house for Father's Day and that I was absolutely invited to attend and she would take our children home from there. I agreed. This conversation was a nice conversation.
I then saw her at her father's house and the gathering was nice as well. She took our S home and I took our D5 back a little later. Another nice time, but I am DB/DRing and praying to keep my head on straight and my emotions in check b/c she seems to be on FF with her relationship with OM. I suppose I shouldn't worry about it too much. Other than me, her longest relationship is 1 year, THE LONGEST! I trust that she will hold true to her record in past relationships. This one will start out fast and then she'll get bored b/c it will get out the honeymoon, new phase fast and then she'll be sick of it. Patience, is what I keep telling myself.
