Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Am I Creating a SSM Part V

Hey Burgbud, I checked out the infidelity forum briefly, but didn't see anyone I recognized.

Yeah, it's funny...I had kind of a hard time finding it myself and I knew it was there and what I was looking for. Try this link:

A new thread from an old friend

Thanks Burgbud, I'll have to stop by and say hi. Anna is a good chiquita

I've often thought that I always post the negative in my situation because that is, like so many others, where I struggle the most. So, here is a more positive post.

Yesterday I met H at home for lunch. It was nice to have an hour to talk....he didn't mention missing the kids once, whereas he usually comments something about missing them or wishing they were there, etc. I was sitting on the couch and he laid across so that he was touching my lower back. Nice.
Last night we got into an argument about...I'll give you one guess .....S5's bedtime. We argued, not too bad, I went for a walk, came back in and said goodnight. Saying goodnight is in and of itself a positive thing because it would not be anything for me to go to bed without acknowledging him. Ok, so what's good about that right? He came in before he went to bed and kissed me on the forehead and this morning I saw the movie 'The Notebook' in the DVD player. He must have been feeling sentimental I guess. Anyway, considering how our typical argument ends, I thought this was pretty positive.

I see the "positive" aspects, heather. I'm like this too...I see little things like this, and gain some hope. What a couple of suckers we are.

Hairdog

Heather,

Just a quick off topic note. I just got the Notebook from Netflix and am REALLY waffling about watching it. You all know how sappy and sentimental I am, how the smallest thing can send me down that long, dark tunnel (e.g. music). To watch it or not to watch it, that is the question.

Chrome

Heather,

Just out of curiosity...do you normally go to bed without acknowledging your H? My H has done that a few times to me...and well, I found that to be quite rude. It was as if he simply dismissed me....I viewed it as though he was acting like I wasn't even there. Honestly, it really offended me. I felt totally ignored when he'd do that.

I've since discussed that with him and he no longer does that...he at the very least lets me know he's going to bed.

Anyway...it's very possible (and I'm just taking a stab here) that you might have gotten that kiss because you showed some consideration to him as well. Something as simple as saying goodnight, and acknowledging someone can go a long way.

GEL

Chrome...do you really have to ask that question? If you think it might send you down that tunnel...isn't that a no-brainer?

GEL

GEL

What I was asking was that I had heard from some people that it was a tear-jerker, but I just wanted to make sure before I returned it without watching it. I had originally put it on my Netflix list because I wanted to get some "romantic" movies to watch with my W.

Chrome

I'm like this too...I see little things like this, and gain some hope. What a couple of suckers we are.


Roger that Hairdog. Maybe one of these days we won't be disappointed?

Just out of curiosity...do you normally go to bed without acknowledging your H?

It has not been uncommon at all these past few years, given the state of our M. Prior to that, no, neither of us would go to bed without saying goodnight. In fact, H always stays up later than me, so prior to my A he would 'tuck me in' at night.

My H has done that a few times to me...and well, I found that to be quite rude. It was as if he simply dismissed me....I viewed it as though he was acting like I wasn't even there. Honestly, it really offended me. I felt totally ignored when he'd do that.

Well, he'd feel exactly as I'd intended then Like I said, it's just been the state of things these past couple of years. To say these years have been difficult on us both has got to be the understatement of the year.

Anyway...it's very possible (and I'm just taking a stab here) that you might have gotten that kiss because you showed some consideration to him as well. Something as simple as saying goodnight, and acknowledging someone can go a long way.

Agreed. I know I can do better and should do better than to go to bed without saying goodnight (among other things). When you get to the state my M is in, any gesture can feel like putting yourself out there and when you perceive getting so little in return, it becomes easier just not to do the gesture. It's a very sad state and I know there are things I can do to change the R for the better. I just need to be careful because when I do strategically planned things and try to 'monitor results'...I get really frustrated with the depth of the results. The kiss on the forehead was nice, but if I focus on it, it will only take me so far and my expectations get the better of me because monitoring results and trying different things actually means *trying* to get those reactions from H and frustration sets in faster than you can blink your eye. Even getting dance lessons for a x-mas gift last year was bitter sweet because everyone thought it was sooo wonderful, and so did I don't get me wrong, but the irony of it left me feeling like crap. So yeah, we'll be able to dance, dance the night away.....then we can go to our separate bedrooms, kwim? It is too heartwrenching to think about, so I just don't anymore.

What I was asking was that I had heard from some people that it was a tear-jerker, but I just wanted to make sure before I returned it without watching it.

My opinion is 'do not watch it'. Return it. Save it for another day Chrome.

Chrome,

I understood what you were asking. My point to you was that if you find yourself pulled down by things like this, heck the description of the movie gives you an idea that yes, it's a tear jerker...do you really need to ask if you ought to watch it right now? Right now you need (IMPO) to be gravitating towards upbeat things. Romantic movies (esp tear jerkers), sad songs, etc...are things you should be avoiding for the time-being. That's why I said it was a no-brainer.

GEL

Heather,

You said...(When you get to the state my M is in, any gesture can feel like putting yourself out there and when you perceive getting so little in return, it becomes easier just not to do the gesture. It's a very sad state and I know there are things I can do to change the R for the better. I just need to be careful because when I do strategically planned things and try to 'monitor results'...I get really frustrated with the depth of the results. )

So stop monitoring the results woman. Treat your H as you want to be treated. Just because he's a jerk to you...doesn't mean, you get to be a jerk back to him. If you both play the game of giving as good as you get (in this case treating each other poorly)...where's that going to get you?

I know what you are saying about the state of your M, and how things have gone downhill...but hon, you are both responsible for that. If you have been (or are doing) things such as going to bed with the intention of making him feel ignored (which is what I believe meant when you said "Well, he'd feel exactly as I'd intended then.")

I understand your frustration, believe me I do. I guess I just simply see that the mere consideration you showed him last night when you did tell him goodnight, made an impact. You simply treated him with a bit of consideration. No one wants to feel ignored, no matter how big of a butthead they've been. Feeling ignored by my H was perhaps one of the most painful things I endured before coming here for help. It cut so very deeply, it was if my very existence simply didn't matter to him at all when he could dismiss me so easily.

I'm going out on a limb here Heather...but since your H used to tuck you in, that seems like it used to be a special thing you two would do. That would make your snubbing him (IMPO) that much more painful. Perhaps if nothing else....you could simply start with asking sometime if he'd come tuck you in. If he says no, then simply say goodnight and go on....you need to still treat him with consideration. I know he's been no party to live with, not trying to excuse his behavior at all....but one of you has to give and start treating the other with some decency.

GEL