We all evolve. It's a natural process. We start to question how much our SO loves us and/or how much we love our SO when the evolution of our SO happens so fast that we can't keep up.
This can happen when the evolution happens suddenly, or if we're caught napping, and all of a sudden notice it.
The second category is commonly referred to as "the bomb"
I guess that thinking about starting from scratch is a good way of looking at it.
Do you love this new person?
Ah. That's the kicker, isn't it?
But when you first met your SO, you didn't know them very well. You started off by looking at thier positive traits.
Sounds like a good place to start on your new R, doesn't it?
Andy
Howz that for a positive note to put me ON TOP. AND... Post #100 to boot!
[ May 10, 2002, 06:55 AM: Message edited by: ANS ]
Hope you enjoyed your bike ride. You are right about the reason it hurts so bad. Ive often told my W this. If I didnt love you like I did, then it wouldnt be as painful. She understands. As you can tell by her letter she can come down pretty hard on herself, just like your husband. She knows that she made a huge mistake, but there is no changing the past. Too bad huh? I do try to trick my brain into thinking in ways like you mentioned. Sometimes it helps, other times it dont.
By reading through all the situations in here I do know that there isnt an overnight remedy to fix everything. I think where Im having the most trouble is forgiving myself for letting the atmosphere develop for something like this to happen. Looking back, I know that I wasnt there for her like I should've been. After keeping the baby all day and working all night, once the weekend hit I was usually out doing my thing. I felt trapped in that house also, only I didnt take her feelings into consideration . Big damn price to pay isn't it? I know that until I forgive myself first, forgiving her is out of the question. For me, this IS the most difficult part of the process. I am partially to blame, although I cant make myself admit it, or dont want to.
You know you just hate the idea that your M isnt as perfect as you would like. Sure, I know everyone has troubles, but I feel as if I could handle any kind of trouble that arises, any trouble but this. I've heard that all M's that are truly fulfilling & rewarding have to survive some type of crisis. We have been together 12 yrs, and married almost 7. I would say the worst part is behind us. We have done a lot of growing up together over time. I try to think of it as we are young, both around 30, and have the rest of our lives to be happy with one another. I know the days to come will never again bring this much heartache in our lives. It is somewhat comforting to know. I just wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I try to picture us 5-10 years down the road after years of happiness and ask myself will something that happened 15 years ago really matter to me then? I would hope that it wouldnt, but whose to say for sure. I am very bad about holding grudges and living in the past. The two feelings of anger and resentment you spoke of carry a great deal of weight in my heart. I told her that I have to fix myself first in order for this M to move forward. She says she will wait for me as long as it takes. I believe her. She is that committed to our M. I must learn to look towards the future and live in the present, for living in the past has gotten me nowhere but continued heartache. A pain that Im tired of feeling.
I was gonna make a crack about being "on top", but then thought better of it .
I've always understood that love is an evolution and changes over the course of time. I only wish my H would have realized this sooner. Over the years we've had discussions where he'd say he felt exactly the same way about me now as he did in the beginning. I would tell him my love had changed to a much deeper, profound, lasting love. His perception of this was that I didn't find him attractive anymore, didn't desire him. My perception of what he told me was that he either wasn't telling me the truth or he was confusing sexual desire with love. I think he finally gets it. MC told him a while back that he was very immature in the way he thought about love and that he's finally grown up and realized what love really is. H agreed with that.
Sometimes I still think H is keeping me at arm's length. I can't really explain why. It's just a feeling. That really bugs me cuz I still think he should be trying to woo me back. I know he's really stressed at work. He hates this new job with all his being. I think maybe he's slightly depressed cuz of work and marriage problems. He won't admit it. MC told him the same thing a couple of months ago. He was depressed a few years back, got help, took medication. He says what he is feeling now is nothing like that. Well, I think the causes of one's depression can make a difference is how the depression manifests itself - right or wrong?
Today is another D day for me. I know what happened a year ago tonight. Wish I could get that out of my head. I'm gonna try with all my mite to not say a word about it to H, though. We'll see how that goes.
Montana,
I wanted to congratulate you on how you handled yourself last weekend. Doesn't that also say something with regard to how you feel about your wife? You know that having an A or even a ONS is not the answer. You won't feel one bit better about yourself afterwards -- probably a whole lot worse. I can't say I haven't had those same thoughts myself. And I know my H would forgive me, too. He's already told me that. He says he'd just figure it was what he deserved. Well, maybe. But, you know what, it's not what I deserve. I have much more respect for myself than that. And if I did something like that, I just couldn't stand to look at my H knowing all the horrible things he was probably thinking. Which is exactly what my H is going through now. Nope. I'm not gonna put myself through that. I've seen first hand how destructive it is to the person doing the cheating.
I was shopping today and ran into a man I met at the gym last year. We became "gym friends" and I knew he wanted to take things a little further. I always kept my distance. Never even accepted an invitation for coffee after working out. Well, we chatted for a couple of minutes today and again he asked if I'd like to get coffee with him. I declined. Quite honestly, I find this man attractive and I feel that I'm in a very vulnerable state of mind right now so best to just stay away. I plan to tell my H about this later. He knows about us working out together in the past and that the guy was interested in me. I want him to know what happened today because we've agreed to be totally honest with each other in that department from now on. I think if we don't keep those kind of secrets they won't develop into fantacies that could later develop into more. I think of it as protecting one another.
I have also had a problem with holding grudges in the past. It's very hard for me to let go of anger and resentment. One thing the years have taught me is that I've only hurt myself by hanging onto old grudges. For me it's a daily struggle to teach myself to "let it go," but the more I try the easier it seems to get.
I know this probably sounds stupid and trite to everyone, but last night we watched E.R. -- saying goodbye to Dr. Greene. At then end when he died I found myself wondering what I'd want to say to my H if he lay dying. The first thing that popped into my head was I'd want to tell him I'd forgiven him. That I loved him very much, and that for the greatest part of our married lives he had made me very happy; he was a good husband and a great father. So now I'm thinking, why should I want until he's on his death bed? I'd like him to know that now. I'd like to tell him all those things, but for some reason I don't think he's ready to hear it right now. I don't think he'd believe me right now.
It's so odd to think that I'm the one that feels the need to tread lightly with him. I'm the one that needs to prove to him he's worth having. Shouldn't he be trying to prove to ME that he's worth having? Day before last he called me twice on the way into work. Then he didn't call when he actually arrived there. He's been calling me when he arrives at work, when he leaves for lunch, when he returns from lunch, in the middle of the afternoon, and as he leaves the office to come home. He's been doing this for 7.5 months now. I never asked him do do that. He didn't read it in DR or DB. He started doing it immediately upon telling me of the A because he knew instinctively that that was what he needed to do. The reason was because the OW only lives 1.5 hour drive from here and he made that trip several times over the course of the A. So now he wants me to know exactly where he is at all times.
Well, 2 days ago he didn't call to let me know he'd gotten to the office, but he did call when he was leaving for lunch. I said, "Hey, are you just getting into the office?" "No. Sorry, I forgot to call." "That's okay. No problem." Yesterday he told me it makes him feel like he's in jail to have to "check in" all the time. I told him I had just been teasing him the day before. After all, all I had to do was pick up the phone and call him at the office. If he wasn't there, then that would be a problem. But if he tells me he's going to be in the office, I trust him enough now to believe that. He's been doing this now for so long that I've just gotten used to it and it's nice to hear he's made it in okay and just have another chance to touch base with him. I don't want him to feel like he has to check in as an obligation. If he calls me now when he arrives at work, I'd like him to think of it as a loving gesture. That kinda made him hem and haw. Then he thanked me for starting to trust him again. I told him I knew he wanted to be the man I always thought he was, and he said, "Yes, I do." Good enough for me -- for now.
Well, I guess I'll have to start a new thread soon, but I don't know what to call it yet so I'll continue here for the time-being.
My so-called D-day Friday night went amazingly well. We spent the evening with out best friends so I really didn't have a chance to think about things at all. Later at home we had quite a night of passion . I'm talking close to 3 hours, folks. And then again in the morning! So, I really didn't have much time (or energy) to think about what happened a year ago. I wonder if H remembered and was trying to keep my mind off it. I kinda doubt it. He really isn't good about remembering things that aren't important to him or he doesn't want to think about. I didn't bring up the subject at all, not that night or all weekend. I didn't even want to.
Mother's Day was very nice. H made me breakfast and then spent hours making enchiladas for dinner. H got me a couple things from Victoria's Secret and my favorite candy. My kids made their cards for me and #2 son made a gift for me out of a collection of pictures of me and all the kids put together in a picture frame. I cried when I received that gift. So many wonderful memories of such happy times. #3 son was telling me what a great family we have. He and his brothers are getting a long so well. Mom and Dad never fight. Everyone is so happy! Boy, did I cry then. Gave me more resolve than ever to "get over it".
We relaxed out by the pool for a couple hours in the afternoon. Then in-laws came for dinner. #1 son showed up for dinner and brought me flowers and a card. We started to watch part of a movie H wanted to show in-laws. H was sitting on the couch and I sat on the floor leaning up against his legs. He played with my hair the whole time. After in-laws left we took a long walk. When we went up to bed I had music playing and asked H to dance with me. He HATES to dance, but he did it for me.
When we went to bed, I looked him in the eyes and told him how much I appreciated all the work he'd gone through to make MD special. He stated that he really hadn't done all that much, nothing more than he's usually done. I said that that was true. He's always done his best to make special days wonderful for me, and that I just wanted him to know how much I appreciated it. He was very uncomfortable with this exchange. He said again that it really wasn't much, and then he mumbled something which I didn't understand and said, "I really don't want to go there." I'm pretty sure he was thinking about all the pain he's caused me and that nothing he does seems to be enough - at least in his eyes.
So I had a wonderful MD. So why am I feeling so sad? What is the "thing" between us that is making me question everything. Is it my imagination? Why is there a little voice inside me asking if I'm staying with HIM for convenience? (Lily, like I said in your tread, all the material stuff is a part of the equation). Because every time I think about his past actions, my first thought is, am I nuts for staying with a man who could do those things? Sure, he says he loves me, but is that enough? And, then, of course I question whether he really loves me or not. I've drilled him about it -- tried to get him to the breaking point where if he really didn't he'd finally say it. But he's always come back with, "I have no doubts about loving you. I do love you." I'm the one doubts.
Funny thing. H left for work this morning without kissing me good-bye. Hasn't done that in a very long time. My feelings were hurt. He called when he got to the office (I told him last week he didn't need to check in with me anymore). I told him he hadn't kissed me good-bye. He said, "Yes, I did. You were standing right there by the little table and I was getting my stuff together." Didn't happen, folks. But he thought it did! I didn't argue with him. At least I know he really thought he had and it wasn't done on purpose. He was really distracted, had taken a conference call here at home before leaving for work. He hates his job. He woke up with a "nervous" stomach. So it's okay, at least he believed he'd kissed me good-bye!!
See I make way too much out of the little things. Maybe it's just my imagination that I think there is something "off" between us. I've got to stop thinking so much and just enjoy all the good things in my life. Trying. Really trying.
Dear Woman who is LOVED by her husband. Get in the moment and stay there. Don't look for the crumbs of bitterness.
Dancing is something that has always been special for me. We finally went to dance a couple of weeks ago and you could tell my natural dancer of an H was out of practice. This weekend someone was talking about dancing and H said "Lily and I like to dance".
Sometimes I wonder if my H thinks I'd worry the details of the A the way he seems to regard the cel bill and me. We're actually getting a # change on the cel phone (my mother's day gift). I don't want to see the thing but didn't ask why he didn't buy a new one. He had mentioned that we would receive a credit toward the purchase of a new phone next year. Let it go. S gets a cel phone. One of those buy one get one free. He and H will have that call between thingie. I'm hoping that S will talk his cel up enough that H will want to match him and have the Affair cel deactivated rather than the new spare one.
Matilda. Honest to God. When he says ILY just accept it.
My H had a brief affair years ago. Probably close to 27 years back in the past. I don't care anything about that one (it's probably that rusty ole thing hanging on my H's back next to that shiney new can he's committed to carry LOL). He said it was a case of following his erection. I can remember a time of anger back then but it's not worth a roller coaster ticket to try to remember it. I don't think my H stopped loving me then. Maybe that little secret was the core of where he layered his anger when he did start stuffing it years later.
Anyway, as Russell Banks says: "Change occurs only at the edges and then works its way in to the center." Let your change continue toward your center . The bitterness you fail to toss aside prevents you from tasting the sweetness in the middle.
I hear you. H says he loves me -- thank God. He signed his MD card, "From you Hub -- who love you!" I guess it's because of his actions of the past, the A, which as our MC stated, is the most unloving thing a person can do. Also, cuz H has posed the question to himself, "How could I love W when I did those things?" MC says men compartmentalize and it was VERY possible to love me and still carry on with OW, especially if H truely felt that I didn't love him.
If you've been following my thread, you know that my H had an A 15 years ago. Also one of those "following his erection" type things. No emotion involved whatsoever. However, I found out about it at the same time I found out about the recent one. So I bounce back and forth between the two. Honestly, though I do not think about the one 15 years ago as much. Don't know why that is. But everything I think I have the most recent one handled my mind bounces me back to the first one. Having to deal with this almost too much to handle.
I have been trying your "living in the moment" recently, and it has helped. Helped me get through last Friday's D-day. Now, if I can stop trying to pick apart every little thing H does nor does do I'll really better off. I think because I put little tell-tale signs and my gut feelings aside last year during H's "bad time" that I'm overly sensative to any little thing right now.
I know you'd kill to hear your H say ILY. I know I should be more appreciative that my H does love me and tells me so. I wonder if you can understand just how hard it is to believe that sometimes -- to really feel it. Because quite honestly, it just doesn't feel the same. I hope my feelings of being cherished by him return someday. Maybe I'm asking the impossible.
Matilda ----I keep thinking about how your H confessed everything to you; he couldn't live w internalizing the lies. He professes his love over and over.
----Then I think of my H who chooses to internalize his secrets, deceptions, and lies. He is stingy w his love to me.
I am told that actions speak louder than words. Your H's actions back up his words.
I am too confused to know what my H's actions mean w regard to his words.
I know. I keep reminding myself over and over that he brought this all out in the open on his on accord; that he has answered all my questions; has gone to MC for the last 7.5 months even though he hates it; basically done everything I've asked of him and more. What more do I want -- how about amnesia for a start .
Thank you so much for being there for me. You have a way of putting things into perspective. I can feel through your words how you long to be loved by your H. I try to put myself in your place, feel what you feel. How lonely it must be to love a person, live with that person, have a life with that person, and have that person say they do not love you. So if I sound whiney and unappreciative for what I have, please forgive me. I know I need to work harder on living in the moment. The past is the past, dead, gone -- just haven't made the funeral arrangements yet.
Matilda, Just signed on and wanted to catch up on your posts. I wasn't on line but a few minutes all day yesterday. Spent the day with my H doing all kinds of things since he was leaving today (he just left and I am trying not to think or cry!!).I did good before he left. Decided that I was going to show him that I trusted him and was not going to let him leave here and see tears on my face as he pulled away!! I know I'll be ok during the days -it's the nights I am concerned about. I hate it when I have too much time on my hands to "think"!! Anyway.....glad to hear you had a great MD!! I did too. The day time was spent with just me and my 2 boys. They took me to brunch and gave me flowers and wind chimes (with frogs on them naturally ). My one daughter-in-law was out of town visiting her mom so my other DIL decided that I needed some quality alone time with my sons so she opted to stay home. Then Sunday night....let's just say hubby and I had a fun time and leave it at that !! Got to run right now...have a friend coming to take me shopping and then I have a doctor's appointment. Will probably check back in this evening and if I'm up all night I'll probably mess around on the computer. Later......pfroglady
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Then he thanked me for starting to trust him again. I told him I knew he wanted to be the man I always thought he was, and he said, "Yes, I do." Good enough for me -- for now.![[Frown]](images/icons/frown.gif){kind=icon}
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