Quote: I just grow very weiry of battling with myself. I want to stay, I want to leave, it's tiresome.
Couldn't have said it better myself. That's the struggle alright.
My W and I are also great friends. That's the part that worries me, cause we can have a great time together doing anything at all, same sense of humor, etc. (she's got a beautiful smile and I've always been able to make her laugh), but the lack of true closeness and intimacy is frustrating. I don't know how to get that back.
She says I'm doing everything right.
We went to MC for two months solid (weekly), and at some point along the way, began just taking care of things on our own to the point where we now feel like the MC isn't really giving us anything we can't/haven't gotten ourselves. We go once a month now to check in, each talk a little about how we feel about progress, any issues that need some discussion, and where we see ourselves heading.
His main value for us is being there to talk to if either one of us has any dark moments (like W being tempted to contact OM, me being tempted to revenge A, etc.).
So far, that's going pretty good. I don't think someone in her position could be doing a better job, truly. She seems to think I'm getting close to being husband of the year. We can talk about anything, and do. I'm over MOST of the hurt myself, still little twinges during the night, an occasional bad dream, etc. Still missing the true closeness and intimacy that makes everything sweet, though.
And you're right...it IS tiresome. I'm positive it gets better. Just gotta hang in there.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Thanks. I am hanging in there, but I also know that my H is in the middle of a MLC, which also makes it difficult. He believes the best years are behind him and he doesn't have much more to live for. Of course, I told him well you have me and he told me that I would be better off without him. Again, more work on my part. Not only do I have to overcome his infidelity, I have to encourage him to press on.
So you have moments of "revenge the A" I cannot tell you how many times I want to do that. Fortunately the bimbo moved across the country so she is definately out of the picture, but she does know my H e-mail address at work and there would be no way of me knowing if they are still in touch with one another and that's another thing that I have to fight myself on. Occassionly, I will ask H if he's heard from her and he says No - why would he? But I face all of with my faith in God that He will reveal to me anything that I need to know.
Intimacy, yeah that's another thing. I know that I don't look at my H the same way and I'm sure that he doesn't see me the same way. It is by far the most hurtful thing that I've ever been through and I pray that it will all be worth it.
Thanks for your posts. You are helping me to stay the course.
Quote: Again, more work on my part. Not only do I have to overcome his infidelity, I have to encourage him to press on.
Wait. Don't take all this responsibility. If he is in MLC, you can't do anything about that. He has to find his own way out and you'll go nuts if you think you'll help him out of it.
Quote: Occassionally, I will ask H if he's heard from her and he says No - why would he?
So why ask? cheeseless tunnel. Let it go, focus on you. What are you doing to occupy your mind and get yourself tired enough to sleep at night? GAL?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
You know, I don't do anything to occupy my time. My H and I fish (sounds like I'm a tomboy, but I assure you I'm not, I still have very fiminine qualities, I just love the thrill of catching fish, especially the 30 lbs+). So that's what I do. It's not personal time, but I do love to go. Would you suggest that I find outside interests that doesn't include my H? I find that to be dangerous. My first M ended because my former H was always gone with one hobby or another so I don't want to be in that same sitch.
Last night my H's cell phone rang at 1:00 a.m. I looked at the number and it was local so I'm assuming it was the wrong number. And I truly believe that it was. But guess what? That caused my imagination to start running wild and again, I had very little sleep.
My H is doing everything he can to save the M. I feel grateful for that especially since I read some of these posts, but sometimes I just can't help the feeling that our M is a very temporary arrangement. It's just a gut feeling I have and I can't seem to shake it.
Quote: My H is doing everything he can to save the M. I feel grateful for that especially since I read some of these posts, but sometimes I just can't help the feeling that our M is a very temporary arrangement. It's just a gut feeling I have and I can't seem to shake it.
Same here. My W is doing everything about as right as she can the expected to right now. I know that feeling, though. I think it's there for a good reason (telling you, "you can't trust what you see" because you've been lied to before ), but will be very destructive if it drives your behavior or you dwell on it too much.
We got to a point where I drove my W to tears because she felt, given the realities, she was doing the best anyone in her position possibly could, and it wasn't good enough for me. So her feeling was, "why bother?" if it's not good enough anyway.
That was the real tough decision for me, but also a positive step for us, when I just decided that whatever she gave right now IS good enough for right now. Made a huge difference, and about the same time I ran across a verse in 2 Cor. 8 that slapped me upside the head:
Quote: "And here is my advice about what is best for you in this matter: Last year you were the first not only to give but also to have the desire to do so. Now finish the work, so that your eager willingness to do it may be matched by your completion of it, according to your means. For if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what he does not have"
That got to me cause just a day or two earlier she had been in tears because she said that there were feelings that weren't quite there yet, she was willing to "act as if" until they showed up, but she was frustrated because she felt like she was giving all she had and I just shot it all down. So I decided that as long as she was giving what she had to give, it HAD to be good enough, cause to do otherwise would eliminate the possibility we could be relaxed, enjoy each other's company, create the kind of "fertile soil" where the seeds of a new marriage could be planted, germinate, and grow, so to speak
So far as long as I stick to that, it has worked for me. May not for anyone else, I don't know.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
