Opt, OK, I'm crashing this chick party. I won't give a bunch of advice. I'll stick to 2 thoughts.
1. Try Micheles KLA tapes. The focus is on keeping your R alive rather than busting a divorce. I agree that there is no program for reconcilliation. I think a good C can help a bit. Only if the C is good. It took us two trys to find a good one.
2. Affairs are painful, trust is slow to return. At least your H was willing to share the truth with you. That is the 1st step. Now follow the yellow brick road.
Lisa, hon, I fired off my earlier long reply to you midway through your message--I was that eager to write--and didn't answer some questions you had.
Have not quit yet, soon though--in just a few wks I think. Many work-to-home Moms have told me they NEVER regretted it, so I'm excited about the chance. Missing dad so much and realizing more than ever how very SHORT life is and why, in the words of the old Carly Simon song, I haven't got time for the pain!!!!!
And neither do you.
How long before I felt free to give affection? Oh it was a long time. I think I was cold and standoffish for awhile. I think we finally had some huge argument where he blurted out, I did NOT come home just to quit again! and I said, amazed, You didn't?
For a very long time I simply didn't believe that he came home for me. I thought he did it for the kids.
Ok. My H is a success too. It's new and has come on in heaps. He jets here and there, is wined and dined, quoted by top news services, wears tuxes instead of sports coats, and so on. He deserves it, after working hard in the trenches, but it does something to a man. Their heads swell, let no one tell you differently. King of the jungle. And here I am, seriously wanting to drop my career--which is with a Fortune 500 company--to be a little housewife! I will have to combat the insecurity of thinking I am nobody while he travels and meets interesting people (and interesting women, no doubt). I hear you on that one.
I say the same: the more you value yourself, the more valuable you are to others. You must think yourself every bit as smart and successful and attractive as he is. Work hard on this!!!!
Sorry to take so long to reply. I had read your posts (thank you so much), but did not have the chance to reply until now. Wow, our H do have a lot in common it sounds like in regards to their career success.
Sky, this is what I have decided. I have decided to bury the past. I have chosen not to focus on the fact that my H had a relationship. He is home, he is home. For the most part, things are going very well. I feel very comfortable around him now, as opposed to when he first came home. He is very affectionate with me, and very loving, yet my feminine intuition tells me he is still holding back. Not because he wants to, but because he is afraid. My H was hurt as well, and I know that he does not like to feel vulnerable; hence, holding back is "safe" for him. I am very confident in time, that this barrier will no longer be.
You are very correct in saying that I must also believe that my "star" shines just as brightly as his. I also work part-time Sky, but this will be my last week at work. It has grown into a full-time responsibility which I do not want. We are also doing some redecorating, so I'll be very busy with that. The truth is, I love being home and taking care of my family. Sounds boring, but I don't care. That is where my passion is. Only this time around, I am not going to lose myself in all of that. I am going to take care of me as well (exercise, etc.).
How is everything going with you Sky? I am thinking of you always. Hope you are coping with the loss of your father okay, hoping that your H and children are a source of strength for you. Please give me an update.
KentS:
Thank you so much for your reply. I have read many of your posts to others, so it was wonderful to hear from you. I will definitely check out the KLA tapes, and I will follow that yellow brick road. Your kindness is appreciated.
Sky:
Looking forward to hearing from you again very soon.
Hi Optimistic, congratulations, its so good to see that people do have some success at dbusting.
My h has been gone 3 months now although he dropped the bomb 10 months ago. He has no one else and has moved back in with his mum, we have been married for 25 years (24 when the bomb was dropped). For the past 3 months I have hardly seen or heard from him, did your H have a period when he first left where he didn't contact you?? and if he did how did you dbust when you didn't see or hear from him??
Rushed today at the office so quick reply but know I think of you often. Thanks for your thoughts, too.
I'm giving notice at work next week. Then home to be a full-time mom! One child starts school in 18 mos, the other, the other is already well established but I feel I missed so much when they were little, esp. with the 2nd child, and now I want to make up for time lost. I like it that you said homemaking is your PASSION--I think that's great! It's about to become mine!!!!
You are doing the right thing in burying the past. Making a new start. If privately things start to haunt you, work that out with a counselor. The less guilt and blame and shame you dump on him (though he probably deserves it!), the better. That was my mistake after my H came home--clinging tightly to the hurt. Nothing he could do could make up for it.
And it's true: they probably CAN'T make up for it. The choice is ours to release them from the bondage of unforgiveness. You are a wise and big-hearted lady, a special person indeed.
Lisa, this is wonderful! If you have trouble releasing the pain and mistrust, just remind yourself that YOU were the one who wanted a second chance, and by God, you GOT it!
Look at your situation and think to yourself how many of us on the boards would love to be in your shoes. Appreciate it and acknowledge that the pain and hurt of the past will hold you back only if YOU let it.
Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself...Now where have I heard that before?
