H and I have been working on “piecing our marriage back together” for quite some time. We’ve got all the pieces face-up, and the edge pieces are all in place. But some of the pieces don’t seem to fit anywhere. I’m beginning to think our marriage puzzle is missing a few pieces. Maybe we lost them somewhere along the way. Does anyone have a picture of what this pieced-back-together puzzle should look like?
Some of you may remember me from Newcomers. It’s a long story (one I don’t have the energy, or desire, to recap here…*smile*… ) Anyway, suffice it to say, after 17 months of separation (and nearly a year after finding this site), H and I are recovering from what was, surely, (for better or worse), the “worst” of times…
Having said that, this “piecing” business is harder than I thought it would be. In a perfect world, the pieces would have all quickly fit back together. But I seem to be stalling for some reason. And I feel a bit like H is getting anxious and impatient for “things to get back to normal”. Maybe I’m just getting “cold feet” or “Pre-Re-Wedding” jitters….lol….H wants to renew our vows in the Spring, (on our 12th anniversary) but he’s very anxious to move back home NOW. I’m still reluctant…somebody tell me I’m not a freak.
We’ve been back together as a couple since early May, but still maintaining separate houses. It works for me, although it is expensive and not very convenient at times. H and I get along great...we talk a lot, and have a wonderful time together.
So what’s keeping me from throwing open the front door and welcoming H (and all his belongings) in with open arms? I thought that was what I wanted, afterall. And I do still want him back in the house..…just not sure when. I'm an expert at "slowlee slowlee"...my H never heard of it...*smile*...thanks for listening...R8
**************************************** Having said that, this “piecing” business is harder than I thought it would be. In a perfect world, the pieces would have all quickly fit back together. But I seem to be stalling for some reason. And I feel a bit like H is getting anxious and impatient for “things to get back to normal”. Maybe I’m just getting “cold feet” or “Pre-Re-Wedding” jitters….lol….H wants to renew our vows in the Spring, (on our 12th anniversary) but he’s very anxious to move back home NOW. I’m still reluctant…somebody tell me I’m not a freak.
************************************************* Your no freak. Piecing is hard. Guess what? The old pieces may not fit togather anymore. Sometimes a little trimming and reshaping is necessary to get a desirable finished product.
I'm not sure if I would delay getting back togather too long. You will always be able to find excuses. I think it's easier to piece when you are togather.
Try to look at why you might be so hesitant. What effort has been going into reconciling and forging a new R? What have you done? What has H done?
A white cow eating vanilla ice cream in a snow storm.
That's what this piecing part is like. Not always clearly defined or easy to put together. Time consuming and frustrating. Days like today when, even after all your hard work and dedication, you question whether or not it's worth it. That's gonna be up to you, and the answer to your question may vary from day to day. It's perfectly normal, so try not to freak yourself out!
Your no freak. Piecing is hard. Guess what? The old pieces may not fit togather anymore. Sometimes a little trimming and reshaping is necessary to get a desirable finished product.
Heed Kent's words of wisdom here. After all, as good as it may sound, you really don't want things to be the way they were and have to go through all this crap again, do you?! You are much wiser this time, and have the skills and abilities to shape things to make them better.
Glad you made it here!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Rachel, glad to see you here. I recognize your *smile*! You were good to have hang around back in the old days. Remember Mountie and Narcy? I think I saw Narcy the other day. I slept on her couch a few nights!
Rachel, what are you afraid of? (I could guess but maybe you can spell it out for me?)
Some of the puzzle peices may have been lost. Some will never fit because they are from a different puzzle. Some are still upside down. Some are really hard to do (Like the white cow in the snowstorm eating vanilla ice cream (I like that)).
I was given this advice over on the hopefullness board by a wise person named novix
quote: Don't stop DBing and continue to work on yourself, enjoy your time with your wife and try not to worry about future steps just yet. I try to look at this as a 4 goal process. 1) Date wife 2) get feelings back for each ohter 3)move back in 4) work on what went wrong in the first place. I think these have to be done in that order for each of us to put in 100% effort.
PS. You may have to substitute the word wife for husband but I am sure you can handle it!
I just think you're a little nervous b/c of what has happened in the past... and 17 months of sep is a long time. To have him come back is surely a new thing, it's probably hard to even remember what each day felt like when he was around the house. I'm sure there will be some transition time when he gets back in the house. What works now for you guys will be changed slightly when he's home each day. The power struggle stage may begin again. Just remember your DB skills and you'll be fine! Good luck!
Some more thought on putting the puzzle back together......
You have an opportunity to change the colors of some of the pieces now, too. You can take some of the darker colors and make them a little brighter. You can take some of the cooler colors and make them a little bit hotter. Some of them that are TOO hot can be cooled down a bit. (OK, so my wife is trying to teach me about color schemes!). As Kent said, some of the shapes can, and should, be changed.
This is your work of art. Do with it as you see fit.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Hey there... I understant it. All above are right.. my gut was what I read above... Fear... what are you MOST afraid of R8ch? That might be part of what is stopping you ya think?
I like that cow vanilla snow thing too makes sense eh?
It won't be the same. It can't be. hell you don't want it to be. Fear of the unknown would be my guess. Is this something you and the H can talk about?
I am probably half way there with you!
Take care and when you figure it out.... tell the rest of us ok?
R8, I've been at this a while myself. I still have bad days. I still get down from time to time. I still have 2nd thoughts about my M from time to time. I still think occasionally that perhaps I could have picked better.
I also realize that I could have picked worse.
I also take responsibility for pulling myself up.
I also take responsibility for trying to make things better.
I also make a point of encouraging W to be who and what she wants to be.
I also accept that W experiences the same or similar cycles and feelings that I experience.
Michelle says don't let your feelings rule your life. Rather, let goals set the stage. Feelings should not be driving the car if you wish to arrive at the desired location. It's like giving the keys to a drunk driver. Remember, friends don't let friends drive drunk.
Kent, Jamesjohn, Peter, john_w, and Treesa….thank you all for your thoughtful and insightful posts! Your responses were all really goods ones…I knew there was a reason I came here…*smile*…
Kent, I have been trying to think of what H and I have been doing to “forge a new R”….I guess, basically, just treating each other better…mutual respect and appreciation…that sort of thing. Not sure that is enough to carry us over the long haul. Afterall, I thought we had that when we got married, years ago. We haven’t exactly “gotten down to brass tacks” so to speak….the details of how this “new” marriage is supposed to work..
And so I guess the fear is obvious (but, for Peter, I’ll spell it out anyway…*laugh*) I can sum it up in one word: Failure.
The stakes seem higher the second time around. Those who stood by me when H was being such a jerk still can’t figure out why in the world I would even want him back. They see him as someone who lied to me, cheated on me, and left me. These people (my son, who is not H’s, and my sister, to be precise) will throw their hands up in disgust and despair when H moves back in. Son will probably move out, and dis-own me…(john_w…unfortunately son has not forgotten what it was like when H lived with us, especially the last, awful year..).
So, these, Jamesjohn, are the black pieces of the puzzle…the ones that don’t fit… (Time to get out my Swiss Army knife and make these pieces fit…reshape them, or maybe cut out some better, prettier ones..*smile*..)
Kent, I’m glad you added that second post about (even you) sometimes having second thoughts…and about not letting feelings “drive the car”. I feel better now….I guess what I’m going through is pretty much par for the course, after the nightmare rollercoaster ride. I’ll try to concentrate on the positives, and let the goals set the stage. (Give me back my car keys.. )
Thanks for listening, and Treesa, when I figure it out, you’ll be the first to know! And Peter, Mountie posted recently on my Monkee Thread (the one that refuses to die…lol....he’s doing well!)…....Still * smile * ing….R8
How about this, R8? When you were married 11+ years ago, you entered into married life like everyone else... Blind!
How's that for a recipe for failure!
But, after spending 17+ months of discovering how not to have an R, you've got the opportunity to start over and get it right this time.
When I became aware of my R problems, my step-mom told me that she didn't know of any R worth it's salt that didn't go through a crisis. She's a very wise lady!
I think that these kinds of crises are immense learning opportunities. If we get past the crisis stage, we and our spouses can use the lessons learned to make our M a true success.
The hardest part is to forget the past without forgetting the lessons from the past.
BTW, it was nice chatting with you. Gotta do it again sometime.
makes sense eh? 
