Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Divorced, But Not Done How to do a reconciliation?

My husband and I separated 6 months ago after 3 years of marriage, no kids. We are divorced 2 months. It was a quick divorce that neither of us wanted but we were so angry at the time. Also, I had immigration issues that he refused to help with so I had to divorce him to get my citizenship. He has anger issues. He claims that my family controls him and me, even though we don't live in the same state as them and see them maybe 8 days of the year. My ex-husband and I now live in different states. Before the divorce he called and emailed me all the time. After the divorce he told me I ruined everything and he hated me and considered me dead. I know people say things when they are hurt. I emailed him a couple weeks ago and he said he missed me but was getting over it. I miss him so much. He never initiates contact with me. I send him random emails to ask him about mail, etc and he responds, sometimes he doesn't. I want to ask him if he would think about working toward a reconciliation, but I don't know how to approach the topic. Do I call and ask him? If yes, what do I say? Do I email him? If yes, what do I say? And what if he doesn't respond?
Do I just leave him alone and try to forget and move on because he clearly is showing no interest?

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I want to ask him if he would think about working toward a reconciliation, but I don't know how to approach the topic. Do I call and ask him? If yes, what do I say? Do I email him? If yes, what do I say? And what if he doesn't respond?

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You have two options: Stay divorced and move on with your life or give it another shot. Given the circumstances where you've indicated that you pursued the divorce, perhaps the best approach is to just ask him whether he'd consider giving it another shot. Maybe he's waiting for something definite. You showed through your actions that you didn't want the marriage. It's up to you to tell him that you would like to try again. He's doing the right thing and moving on.

Thanks for your response. I know I propelled the divorce because of the immigration issue. But we had other issues like his dislike for my family and his anger. I guess I feel like if he really loved me he would still try to be in my life and apologize for his actions. But he never did. So I guess I am answering my own questions...to just leave him alone and try to move on with my life.

I don't think you answered your own question. How do you know that he isn't apologetic about the past? You divorced him, which to his mind equates with, you're done with this relationship (obviously). Why pursue you? It doesn't mean he doesn't care, but don't we give that same advice to people with walk-away spouses or ex-spouses--quit pursuing and wait until they approach you? The onus of this is entirely on you to make the first move. You can bring up the family and anger issues after you know whether he even wants to try again. But I still think you are responsible for the first move, since you are the one that wanted out bad enough to divorce.

Me

Ok, but in the past month I sent him an email to ask how he was doing. He said he missed me but was getting better. I responded and told him I missed him too. But he never replied back. I waited a week and sent him a random email about mail,etc. He responded and told me to remember to change the oil in my car...this I thought was a sign that he still cared because it was the first time he responded to tell me something that he didn't need to anymore. I replied back with a funny story about the oil change...then no response. I thought I had made the move by opening the lines of communication again in a casual way...I thought if he was interested he would write back and keep the conversation going..but he did not. And I am confused. And that's why I keep wondering if a reconciliation is possible or not.

But I am afraid to ask because he might just laugh at me. Or he may never respond again (like the other times), which I guess will give me an answer but it will also make me crazy wondering if he will ever respond and if and when I should just move on. I guess that's the risk I have to take? I'm curious as to how long is too long to wait to ask about a reconciliation? We have been apart 6 months and divorced for 2 months. We live in different states so it's not like we can randomly meet up and have this discussion. Is 2 months too soon? Is it too late?
I don't even know what I would say...i don't like using the word "reconciliation"...any suggestions?

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But I am afraid to ask because he might just laugh at me. Or he may never respond again (like the other times), which I guess will give me an answer but it will also make me crazy wondering if he will ever respond and if and when I should just move on. I guess that's the risk I have to take?

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And if you say something about wanting to repair things the WORST that can happen is he blows you off and says something mean right? Do you think he would be intentionally MEAN to you? And if you do think he would, why would you want to be back w/ him? So lay it out there for him. YOU divorced HIM, now you need to initiate things if you want him back. Cause I can tell you from a guy's perspective, you dropkicked him to the curb and are done w/ him, no need for him to stick around and get beat up some more, esp. now that you're Divorced!
So get moving girl.

Honestly I would get moving and do it, but here's the thing. I left him because he went crazy on me (as he usually does) in our last argument. I was showering and he picked the lock to the door, came in, ripped the shower curtain down, and threatened to hurt me. I was so humiliated. He called me every name in the book and told me to go home to my family if I wasn't going to listen to him. So I packed and left. Over the months he admitted our argument was stupid and got out of hand but he cannot control his anger and abusive words to me. I thought he would calm down. Then he told me if I didn't come back we would have to get a divorce. Whether he said it out of anger or whatever else, I took him seriously and I agreed because he was also jeopardizing my citizenship application. Throughout it all he claimed he didn't want a divorce, BUT he kept up the anger and the nasty emails and calls to me and my family. So time passed and I wanted him to calm down but he didn't. So I had no choice but to go ahead with the divorce. At that point he said he was happy to divorce me. I don't know if all this is out of anger but I do know that both people are very hurt and have alot of pride. I still love him, and that's why I hoped he would calm down and we could work it out. But seems he calmed down and walked away too. So yes, I would be the first to approach the topic if I thought I was totally to blame for drop-kicking him to the curb, but don't you think he had some major wrongs? And maybe he really didn't love me, cause anyone who did what he did probably doesn't love the other person. And maybe as you said I am afraid of getting a mean response from him...yes it could happen...so maybe I should just not bother. I just don't know.

Well, I don't have much time to post here... but if he's that angry only you can decide if it's worth it... And if you think so, then you can always do it in a letter or a phone call. Don't take on the blame and don't place blame, but tell him you wouldn't mind exploring whether or not the two of you can start a new relationship. If he says yes, then I guess the next thing to do is ask him what he thinks went wrong in the M. And see if he'll go to joint counseling (in addition to individ. counseling)
Good luck.

Or maybe he is just thinking?

It's been 2 months..how much thinking is there? My ex is a man of action. He doesn't sit around and ponder too much. He likes to solve problems. Most things are pretty black or white to him. So I guess I should take it as a sign.