Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE is posting here ethical?

it has occurred to me after being here less than a week that this is not ethical.

no matter how helpful it is for me... i am talking to strangers about my fiance and relationship without her knowledge. it doesn't seem right. trust is at the center of any successful relationship.

what's different about it than simply talking with friends over coffee? there are several differences. friends may not have as much in common with you as these 'subject specific' boards regarding an issue... but they know you on a deeper level. connecting with people on 'specific issues' creates a certain kind of relationship that is devoid context - no matter how detailed our stories may become.

i know this thread may be very unpopular. but my resistance to other on-line communities renders me a hypocrite here. as wonderful, accepting, and helpful as all of you have been even in my one week stay here.

unless my fiance is involved, i don't want to be a part of this. thank you for all of your help everyone.

good luck and God bless.

Why is it different than talking to a therapist or an in-person support group? Is Alanon unethical?

Maybetime...

When I first came here I felt the same. And since I had had a problem with 'chat' lines... felt very uncomfortable...

But then I realized this was a place to come to 'vent'! to be happy or sad; to complain or rejoice; to offer another human being (even if you don't actually 'know' them) comfort... and to receive comfort in return.

To not feel alone.

I may be in a very small minority here, but one reason I have no problem with it is I have forwarded my wife threads from here. Even the one where I talked about what a nice time I had at dinner with a female friend and was bemoaning that I don't have times like that with her. I don't hide the URL, she knows my username on here and she could look up everything I have written. While tone and level of detail may be different, she would not learn anything I haven't already told her. Sometimes I wished she would spend time reading here as many of the collective responses here to my sitch is quite a bit different than her responses.

maybetime,

Yes it's ethical...it's a "support group". Is AA unethical? When you go there...there is nothing but strangers in the room. Is going to a therapist who doesn't know you....unethical? If you feel what you are doing isn't on the up and up...then tell your fiancee that you are participating on here. Invite her to join in. You never know...she might. That's what I did with my H....he knows I post here, he knows he's welcome to read anything I post (even the vents). He views this as my place to come and vent or receive solid feedback though....and chooses not to particpate on here.

IMPO...it's only unethical if YOU hide it from her.

GEL

Hi maybetime,

I'm so happy I found these boards. As you can see, I'm new here. I've been reading and reading, and already I'm feeling hopeful. I haven't told my husband, and I'm not sure I will. He doesn't like BB or chat rooms anyway. I don't think it's unethical. I view it like a support group.

Alamogirl

maybetime you said:

unless my fiance is involved, i don't want to be a part of this. thank you for all of your help everyone.

If you dont feel comfortable with it then by all means dont be a part of it. It is not here to make people uncomfortable. Also if you wanted to involve your fiance in it, then ask her if she wants to get involved. She might. She might not. There is nothing at all wrong with making that a joint decision. There are couples who post here jointly and they are often very helpful with the insights they are able to offer from that perspective. If you decide not to come back, thanks for stopping by anyway and we all wish you nothing but the best with your future spouse.

I too am brand new to this billboard and when I was looking through other threads I saw your "final goodbye" and concern about your involvement with the billboard. I know I am just jumping in...but I did want to share a thought.

I was sad to see you felt it was unethical even though you also were seeing what a help it was for you and your relationship. Although my view is different, don't stop talking about your problems...don't ignore them. If you feel you are being secretive with your fiance while you are trying to sort through your issues, then go to a counselor together. Don't stop pursueing resolution to your problem!

Good luck!

I don't think it is unethical at all. My husband knows I post. I don't hide my posts through my history. He would be welcome to post anytime he wants.

Besides that I am looking for help and support and ways to improve my marriage. That is not unethical at all. Now if I maybe went and told all his family about his low drive and all our problems that I would consider unethical and it would anger him.

I do believe there's some good value in this site when the discussions are intellectual...like the topics on differentiation etc. But I have to concur with my C that this isn't a substitute for good counseling, live groups, and simply spending more positive, happy time with your spouse without all this SSM garbage spinning around your head.

So, in my first session with my C, she beat me over the head for about 20 minutes regarding this site. I can't remember all of her reasons but the general themes were something like the following.....

* All matters involving the "big 4" - your house, kids, intimacy and sex need to involve your partner which means no, 0, nada, zilch unilateral actions or decisions. Spending time on this site, unless you are at work, is an "opportunity-cost" of spending intimate time with your spouse.


* There are no boundaries or constraints here. In a group setting, you come in for an hour, discuss, then leave. Then it's just you, your spouse and the issues at hand with the pressure of a subsequent meeting where you have to be accountable to your C or peers (in a group C setting).

* There's no face-to-face connection or accountability from people who *truly* care about one another. A virtual non-face-to-face relationship, as much as it may seem "real" isn't. This lacks the non-verbal dynamics required to *see* into the souls of each other.

* And most difficult point she made was that "this site fuels fantasy". What does this mean? It's not sexual fantasy (like I initially thought she was implying) but rather fantasizing that my situation would become similar to someone else's or that my W would become like other people's spouses. IE. My focus becomes outward rather than inward and my introspection isn't in the context of my own marriage but someone elses. Stories of other people's success may initially provide hope but they will ultimately create anxiety. From reading other's posts (and books) I might say "hey...this might work" or "geez...my W would kill me if I tried that" or "I'm too scared to try that" or they may try it unsuccessfully. The bottom line regarding fantasy....it makes living in the moment very difficult (the living in the moment think is key to success with this).



So you are probably thinking..."why are you here dave? Didn't you say it's bad to be here...freaking hypocrite?"

Clearly I didn't totally pay attention to my C because I'm popping in from time to time. I do think in the absence of a good C and a group, that there's some stuff to learn here but the level in which you get involved should be tempered. I approach these boards in a different manner now (since ny C busted me over them). I usually visit once every 2 weeks but have had 2-3 month absences. I feel better and can channel good feelings back into the R. Now, when I visit, it's akin to passing by an automobile wreck...I choose to take a quick glance from a afar but not study the bloody scene up close. I'll read some titles, quickly scan a couple posts, maybe answer something then move on. When I *do* answer, it's like a repeating a religious creed in a way to remind myself of the principles I'm following rather than lament on problems in my R.

When I visit, I'm very careful to make it a productive experience for myself rather than just a fleeting "good feeling" for myself. Even a few weeks ago, I spent some time answering some PM questions and went to bed in an unhealthy mood. I was thinking critically about our marriage again where, if I hadn't been on the site, I wouldn't have. This place can fuel some stinkin' thinking. There's so much negative energy, frustration, pain, suffering, etc. here, that it started to rub off and made it hard for me to have the energy required to change myself and the marriage.

Yes, this site can be enjoyable and occasionally helpful but at the end of the day, you have to ask yourself whether the air in this forum is good for long-term exposure (from someone living in the 2nd most polluted city on the planet).