I recently read this quote "The moralist believes that happiness comes from duty. The immoralist believes that happiness is a duty.". I think your posts indicate that you are stuck on the same hamster wheel as many of the other high drive folks on this board that results from trying to be a moralist and an immoralist at the same time. I think what everyone has been trying to communicate to you with their "Don't have a baby!" warnings is that your belief that "Marriage is forever." is nothing compared to having children in terms of keeping you stuck on the "moralist" side of the hamster wheel. The fact of the matter is marriage isn't necessarily forever and someone as young as you would probably have a much easier time finding someone else to love and have babies with than trying to adequately resolve the sexual problems in your current marriage. That is how tough it is to resolve this problem. Even though things are going relatively well for me at the moment, if you were my baby sister I would still give you the advice that you should DEFINITELY take a strong stand on the sexual issue BEFORE you have babies because it will be much, much tougher to do once you are a family, not simply a couple. Just imagine yourself having the thought "I left my first husband because he had a low sex drive and I have a high sex drive." vs. having the thought "I deprived my child of a father in the home because I wanted to get laid.".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I second that. I have received much the same advice but the difference is that H and I already have one child together and are parenting two from my previous M. I will not deprive ANY of the three of them from the wonderful father that H is. What that means is that I may be forever giving up the sex life that I want. It is not fun. We have been trying to have another baby and the one conversation that I feel actually got my H to sit up and take some notice was several months ago when I expressed the thought that perhaps we shouldn't continue trying to have another baby due to the state of the relationship. H was SHOCKED that I thought it was so bad. He has made better attempts since then BUT our sex life is still lacking regularity, passion and experimentation. We are older and delaying having another baby may mean no more babies. You still have more of a choice than that. We aren't suggesting that you leave your H nor that you give up on the dream of having a baby. What about table the idea, get some counseling and look at things again in six months or a year?
What really struck me about your post and the baby issue is this...
If he really wants a child wouldn't you think he would at least want to have sex to make that happen. Maybe this could be more of a dream for you then for him?? That just seems really weird that he has expressed a desire for children and then never even touch you to at least try to attempt a pregnancy. I know when my husband and I decided to have a child he tried all the time. He would even initiate sex and say cute things like let's try to make that baby tonight honey. Or would rub my belly afterwards while cuddling and say maybe this one took. I knew and could really see deep down he wanted this.
I think everyone has brought up the baby issue because if you are not happy now a baby makes it so much harder to leave. Not saying you want to leave. I am sure right now you are wanting to fix this or learn to live with it. But what if years from now you decide you just can't. What if you haven't even fixed this or worked on it at all and you do end up pregnant and the sex is even worse after child number one? I agree don't give up your dream of having a child. I would just take some time to work on things before you do that.
Also saying negative things to him is not going to help things at all. I would just keep saying the positive things. Also I don't know if you have said or not but how is he if you initiate things? Does he reject you or is eager? Just curious if maybe he would like for you to do some intiating?
Yes, I agree with what Lil says about not "mothering" your H any longer. Doing that runs the danger of putting you into a mother role with him....and that can also be counter productive when it comes to him seeing you as someone who is sexual....if you treat him like a mother would, you are likely to be treated like a mom too. Make sense?
Your H is making choices as to his own health, my H does too. I remind him that I can't make him eat/do anything...those are choices he makes, but he also needs to remember he's not the only one affected by his health issues...both our son and myself are affected as well. However, I am the one who will end up having to take care of him.....and if he runs into health issues due to things he had control over, well...I'm not going to be very happy about it.
That's about all I can do. I buy healthy stuff...if he wants something else he has to go get it. If you buy healthy stuff and your H isn't happy about that...guess what? That's his problem...not yours. He can get up and go buy those things he wants too....tell him so.
That just seems really weird that he has expressed a desire for children and then never even touch you to at least try to attempt a pregnancy. I know when my husband and I decided to have a child he tried all the time. He would even initiate sex and say cute things like let's try to make that baby tonight honey. Or would rub my belly afterwards while cuddling and say maybe this one took. I knew and could really see deep down he wanted this.