Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE CloePD's Thread

I'm starting up this thread for CloePD.

Welcome to the BB Cloe!!

Just know you aren't alone. You'll probably be surprised at how many HDW's there are on this BB, feeling just the same way you do.

GEL

Cloe, first thing you'll need to do is go to the Abbreviations demystified area of the web site so you'll know what all the acronyms people use mean.

OK...Greeneyedlass told me to tell my story here and fellow friends would start to talk to me about our similar issues...

I am 24 and am 2 years married to my 31 year old husband, but together for close to 6 years.

Dating...

While we were dating we "attempted" to wait to have sex until we were married. I know this sounds archaic...but I was young and we both saw alot of family problems and difficult childhoods as a result of "before marriage" pregnancies. This only lasted for so long...but we had a scare that we were pregnant after 1 year of dating due to my lack of education about birth control (I swear I wasn't raised by wolves!). At the time I just thought my husband (then boyfriend) just didn't want to risk getting pregnant before we got married (as we got very serious very quickly). We still "entertained" each other and showed our sexual interest to each other through other ways except "the real thing". He never really passionately kissed me, including french kissing. I thought this was different, and I had a hard time coping with this lack of passion; but my husband (then boyfriend) was incredibly sweet and compassionate in other ways. Always holding my hand, cuddling, etc.

Then 2 years before we were married both of our families were hit with extremely big problems. My husband was also in the process of moving out of downtown and into the suburbs (moving forward with the progress of our relationship). It took a year to build, and when he moved in so did some of his family that was extremely hard hit with those "big problems". Although I had my own place I spent most of my time at his house helping alot with his family and trying to get as much time as I could get with my boyfriend. Throughout all these problems, it caused a lot of stress with my husband (boyfriend) and me. Nevertheless, we knew our lives could not go stagnant; but we still had to move forward. So, we got engaged and married while still having his family live with us.

Newlyweds?

Our wedding and honeymoon was when I truly realized the extent of our problems. No sex. This just piled more stress on top of what we were already dealing with...after too much fighting I did get him to go to a therapist, but she said that once his family moved out we would be fine. She has been gone for 11 months and still no luck.

Throughout All This...

Throughout all this, I have said horrible things to my husband that I know has not helped with self confidence...I know I have not the most encouraging wife, but some times I just think I am going crazy! I am able to talk to my mom, dad (he is a pharmacist with over 30 years of medical experience) and sister about this which helps me feel less lonely; but it doesn't fix my problem, and they don't have the same problem and can't fully understand.

Babies?

As part of "moving forward with our lives" despite recovering from all the family problems, we really, really really want to start a family. So, we've been "trying" for over 6 months...no luck! But, of course, babies require sex. No sex...no babies. This has again, added to our complicated marriage. We have forever wanted lots of kids...but our problems keep getting in the way.

Now...

Finally I got my husband to get his testosterone tested, and it is extremely low. He has tried 2 treatments, and we will find out if the 2nd one has worked next month. Whether or not his testosterone levels are up or not...his sex drive is definetely not.

I know this is very long, but I was told to "tell my story as detailed as possible"...so I did. Now, I am 24 years old and strive everyday to be a good and faithful wife to my husband, but I can't help the thoughts of anger and resentment to my husband and my desire to sleep with other men. This does NOT make me feel like I am being a good and faithful wife, but I also don't want to be a miserable and resentful person my entire life.

The Next Step

After researching, my next step is to read Sex Starved Marriage. In fact, I bought two and am going to try to get my husband to read it simultaneously with me as the 1st Chapter (I read on this web site) seems to "talk to" both the "Sex Starved Partner" and the "Low sex driven Partner". I have a good feeling he will cooperate. If that doesn't help, I think the next step is to see a Sex Therapist, although I feel this will continue to beat down my husband's ego and make him feel "more broken" even more.

Can you Help?

I just need help in coping myself without going crazy. I really want to start our family...but I can't if my husband won't have sex with me. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you BaltoMan...I am looking for the Abbveviations demystified section now!

Two things.

First, if the T is low, I would assume it takes time for this to be corrected and more time after that for it to have a noticable effect on the sex drive. I don't know this, it just seems likely to me.

Second, stop trying to have a baby! Fix this problem first. If it is unsolvable, a baby will complicate your decisions in so many ways. If I did not have children, I would have easier decisions to make. A child may push the need to resolve these issues into the future a bit but they WILL come back.

All of this is simply my opinion so take it with a grain of salt.

Thanks for the advice BaltoMan...I assume you're a man by your username?

The T thing should be showing results by now, according to our Dr. As for the Baby thing...easier said than done! "Trying" is being used likely...the sex isn't there, but the desire to have children is extremely difficult to ignore for both of us.

We seem to be "in limbo" right now between the "newlwed stage" (although the usual characteristics of this stage wasn't our case) and the baby stage. That's what we want, really bad and it's extremely hard to ignore. It's almost like we don't know what else to do. I think he feels he can't change, I'm having a difficult (That's an undstatement) with our problem, we both want to start our family, but the sex isn't there to do it. If the LD won't go away, we can't let that get in our way of having a family - that seems preposterous! It seems to me LD doesn't have a cure...

BaltoMan said Second, stop trying to have a baby! I say the same things. Having kids complicates the whole situation. Having kids might make things worse.

Welcome to a sane place, this forum. Sorry you are in a SSM. Fix one thing at a time. Fix the sex drive for a year then have the kids. Other wise 10/15 years from now you will wanting to get out of the M maybe or want an affair. It happens to the best people.

Lou

Yes, I am a man.

It may seem preposterous to let a little thing like a sex drive mis-match keep you from having children. If it really is a little thing than it is preposterous. Is it a little thing? Is it likely to diminish or become a bigger problem if it isn't dealt with? Ask anyone here. This will most likely get to be more and more consuming. Add children and all of your difficult choices become almost impossible.

Cloe,

Ok...I'm gonna chime in with the other guys. Children, right now...probably should be put on hold....at least until this issue is resolved for the two of you. Consider any love-making you two do at this time to be "scrimmaging" for the real thing! Practice makes perfect ya know! But work through this issue first.

I'm glad for you that your H agreed to go see his Dr. and have his T level checked out...that's important, so many people really balk at this, but your H didn't. To me that shows he's making an effort to address this. There could be many reasons for your H's low T level too....it may take some time to ferret out the true cause of it, so it may take more time than you think for it to be corrected.

So...you've taken your H to the Doc....and you now know that at least he does have some type of medical reason that adds to his lack of libido (I'd have given just about anything to hear my H's T level was low when he was checked). Take some heart in that, it's absolutely, definitely not you....so try not to take it personally.

We had another LD gentleman on here, who no longer participates because he's a success story now, who found out his diet was a HUGE contributing factor to his lack of libido. Try looking up CSW's threads. CSW truly thought he was taking care of himself, eating right and exercising etc. Only to find out that one of the things he ate on a regular basis....was a main factor in his low libodo (Soy products in general). Can you tell us what type of diet your H has? While we're on the subject too....does your H work on on a regular basis?

Has he tried anything other than what his Dr. has suggested....anything homeopathic? Are you two going to counseling to help you work through the emotional issues this causes?

Ok...now with all of that said. YOU...stop the hurtful comments to him....full stop, period! Honest communication is one thing, telling him how you feel is one thing as well, but saying hurtful things to him that make him feel emasculated....that's not ok. When you find yourself on the verge of saying something hurtful to him, conciously tell yourself mentally "edit"....and stop yourself in your tracks. Making hurtful comments will do nothing but hurt the situation further.....and make you feel worse too. Look at it this way....how eager are you to be close with or intimate with someone.....who has just torn you down, who has just made you feel bad about yourself. Truth is...you aren't going to want to.

You have now found yourself a safe place to vent, to say those things that are just driving you ever-loving-freakin nutz from time-to-time, only now...you're among people who understand, who empathize, and who are living it just like you are. So come here and vent away, but don't take it out on your H....if he's truly trying to address this issue...ok?

So now that we've talked about your H....what are you doing for YOU? What are you doing to try to help yourself cope with this....besides talking to your family? Are you involving yourself in things you enjoy? Are you taking time for yourself with your friends? Or are you just going about your day as you always have? If that's the case...try to find something that you can do that makes you feel good. It will help you to have the energy to work through this.

Gotta run for now....hang in there, we're all here for you.

Oh and fair-warning. Those of us on here aren't afraid to give you a good whack upside the noggin with a 2 x 4 later on should you need that too LOL. I think we've all had one of those on here at one time or another....so just be warned. If we see you doing something destructive to your R or anything like that...well, we don't generally hold back. So just know, you will get truly honest feedback on here....but we're a family. We take care of each other.

GEL

Hey GEL,

Wow - I didn't realize how much this Message Board (that's what they call it, right?) would mean to me!!! What you said and the advice I received from Baltonman really means alot, and makes alot of sense! The fact that I know you have or are struggling with the same issue really makes your advice mean a lot more. I can't believe I am actually talking with people who understand!! That's so refreshing and comforting.

H's Eating Habits

As for the questions you had...starting with my husband. My husband is a horrible eater, but not obese. This has been something I have been working with him on for a long time. After much progress (since we've been together), he finally eats a regular breakfast, lunch and dinner and he takes vitamins each day. As for his actual diet, he does not eat any vegetables and he considers Orange Juice the only fruit he will eat. Aside from that, he is still picky with the few leftover options with not eating veggies or fruits. He eats alot of red meat, pizza, snacky foods (BBQ Chips, pretzels, etc) and diet pop (diet pop is a huge step forward for him too as he used to drink about 8 cans of regular pop a day - that adds up to be a ton of calories!). He doesn't regularly exercise (neither do I though) or have a group of guys he just "hangs out with" or do "guys nights out". He does have friends we occasionally go out with, but not reguarly. He does have a large family though that we see often.

H's Work

As for his work, he has an incredible job...actually he is in the best situation he has ever been in - meaning is a pretty "cush job", if you will. He works out of a home office, which offers a lot of flexibility if we ever want to go for a long weekend or something and he travels globally about once a month (not near as much as he used to). The whole "working out of home" does have it negatives as he doesn't have the comradery with his co-workers like he used to and it creates an odd dynamic with us (I will explain later).

T Test

As for the T test...I do "take heart" in him getting tested especially since he has a fear of Dr.'s and almost passes out when he gets his blood tested. I do have to admit, it took over a year to get him to do this...a year of starting out asking him nicely then escalating to very bad fights. He finally did though...and that's what counts at this point. Yet, all that fighting has worn we down for many, many reasons and in many, many ways.

Other Avenues of Help

As to other avenues, no we haven't looked into anything Homeopathic. He is on Lexipro right now to help with anxiety. He isn't the anxious or nervous type. In fact, nobody except him and me notice he has a problem. With all the huge problems we've had to deal with, he has been extremely calm and has helped both of our families in huge emotional and business problems. He, in essence, has been the cornerstone for his family (with 6 adult kids, with him being the 2nd youngest) throughout all these problems. BUT, he has had negative physical after effects leading to something we think is a couple of anxiety attacks over the last couple of years. The Dr. is hoping the Lexapro would help him regain feeling some normalcy and prevent future anxiety attacks.

Counselling

I think would be great, but all this has been very hard on his self confidence (which he would not admit, but I have recognized). When I finally got him to go the original counselor, it was another "hell" getting him there. Again, his pride was badly bruised with that and getting his T results. So, before I go to another therapist I want to try to read SSM with him and see how that goes. I hate to see his face drain of confidence when we take those steps (like the original therapy session then the T test results), all while being very stubborn and combative as if trying to hang on to his "last string of masculinity"...even though I do try to encourage him in his masulinity.

Since we received his T test results I did feel much better knowing there was a problem. It also helped me control my temper and hurtful comments. Originally I used to scream and yell (after things started to get extreme and he would deny everything) that he either 1) Wasn't attracted to me 2) Was cheating on me 3) Was Gay. I know, it sounds horrible - but I didn't know what else to do and I would never get an answer. After the Low T Results, I felt I could actually empathize with him and the fact he got it tested made me actually feel like we were "in this together". But this feeling has worn off with our problem continuing, and it's just such a huge battle to get him to try to do anything (like eat better, exercise, do some kind of hobby as an outlet to his stress). This then throws us into another tail spin of my feeling he doesn't care enough. Along with every time I want have sex and he somehow "gets out of it" and refuses me or when I have the urge I know not to even try so then I get very depressed (like today) and I don't know what to do with myself.

What am I doing for myself?

Well, that's an interesting question as to what I do for myself. Recently, my husband and I decided that I could quit my job so I could travel with him now that he travels worldwide. With any job that I had I wouldn't be able to take any time off, and I wouldn't have the flexibility we needed. Since my husband's income was significantly more and more than paid our bills, I quit my job about 2 months ago. Now, along with dealing with our problem we are also working out the interesting dynamic of having me home and him work out of home. We are also in the process of moving to a different home with more property, so it is actually nice timing with all the work that needs to be done. Aside from that, I really never had a lot of friends my age as I wasn't every "typical" for my age, nor could/can I have many close friends. I was on my own at 18 and matured quickly, then had a wealth of stress and problems to deal with soon after with both my and my husband's (then boyfriends's) family's problems, and now as a young wife to a husband who does well and most of our friends are in their 40's with kids. I do have my mom and sister that I talk to on the phone all the time (they live out of state), but that's about it for me. We have 3 dogs that keeps me busy...but aside from that these days I don't have much that I really really like to do. I used to volunteer alot, but that sucked me dry...and it just seemed to put me into a tailspin of never saying no...so, I've been trying to slow down on that. I have been reading books since I quit my job, which I really hadn't had time for before.

Your advice on finding something is good advice...I will start to think more about this and find something.

How do I deal with it?

How do I deal with the rejection feeling I have? How can I make sense of any of it? When we got to family functions and are out with friends, I just want to scream! Nobody knows and I'm just supposed to act like everything is fine. It haunts me everyday, every part of the day...while all that time I know my H would rather act like everything is fine all the time and just move on as if nothing ever happened or is wrong. I am also struggling big time with having dreams at night about other men and wishing I could just have a romantic relationship with SOMEONE! This makes me feel like a horrible person and terrible wife. I won't cheat on my H, but I sure want to. I don't want to be hurtful, but I do tell my husband this so he knows. So he knows what I am struggling with and knows how serious this is. I find myself wanting to ask perfect strangers if they think I am attractive because I feel so horrible about myself.

When I get depressed now, I try to just tell my husband I am depressed and to please leave me alone. But, he doesn't do a good job of it. His "manliness" wants control of some part of the situation so he gets all "leachy" with my trying to be all "lovey dovey" and calling me cute names...when it just annoys the hell out of me and then makes me furious. He won't just leave me alone and let me work through my depressing moments...and that just throws me into my horrible temper.

I am glad I can count on people being honet with me...I need it. I also need more sound advice as you have already given me. Thank you for taking time, as I know it is precious, to help me through this!!! You are a God Send!