Looks like I'm going to have to try some different stuff. Whetever I'm doing is not working at all. I think that some serious 180s are in order here. What do you think?
John, I think I would totally leave her alone. If she asks I would say that you don't have time to be bothered by somebody who isn't interested in you. I think she is trying to get you to kick her out. That way she can say to the kids, "See he kicked me out. I came back and he kicked me out."
I'm really sorry if I sound mean! I really don't want to make you feel bad. She just doesn't sound to me like she's trying. It seems like she may be playing games again. Mind you, I could be dead wrong. rayanne
I think that you may be off the mark here. I’ve asked her to stay and face the problems, not to move out. When that was seen as controlling, I have backed off and don’t even talk about the move. I am working now on preparing myself to act positively on the day of her move next week.
I don’t know if I should help her or just disappear for the day. We still need to discuss the ground rules.
Last night I took a half sleeping pill so that I would be out when she got home from work because lately, I’ve been waking up, kissing her goodnight and putting my arm around her before going back to sleep. I didn’t see anything positive coming out of it so I decided to be asleep when she got home. This morning I brought her breakfast in bed, where we hung out for a while and read the newspaper together. The only physical contact was a little kiss on the forehead that I gave her. No touching, handholding etc.
I think that she may be trying, but trying to fix herself before trying to fix OR. I would be more in favor of doing both at the same time , but patience is the key here. Not one of my strong qualities.
John, Your still pursueing too much. Breakfast in bed and a kiss. Just hand her your heart and ask her to be careful with it. You are putting pressure on her John. You need to detach and stop the Mr. kiss butt for awhile. Remember, she should be kissing your butt. I did all the stuff you are doing now. You know how my ex took me as being. Pathectic. The only way I have gained her respect back has been by taking care of me and the kids and forgetting her. The only way you can make this better is by backing off. Have you ever broke up with someone who was clingy? Would'nt you want someone who was strong and indepedant? om was exciting and mysterious. You should start turning the tables and distancing. It worked when you went away. Let her start pursueing and if she does not at least you know she is not interested in continuing. Quite honestly when she moves out to the apt I would change the locks and let her know she can't walk in at any time. Face it, right now your single. Act "as if" and enjoy it and let her see you moving away from her. She'll never know what she has if she never miss's it.. IMHO Ron
Thank you. You are making perfect sense. I haven’t been looking at my behavior as pressure or pursuit. I was just being my charming self. I guess that I have to regroup a little. I’ve always been nice to her. It kind of comes naturally and not forced. It’s going to take some effort to detach.
Hey John, Did not mean to be harsh but I see you doing the same things that got me no where. As a matter of fact I think my ex would leave her phone laying around so I would snoop and she knew the tailspin it would send me into. Its very,very hard to detach. But if you don't do it now John, you will be like me. And post divorce detached is not where you want to be. Again last night when I got the kids back from my ex she expressed an interest in picking out colors for my house with me. Use's the excuse that since she does do real estate still, that she could help me. I'm a big boy but my buddy tends to think she is planning on asking to get back together and is setting the table.
Now remember. Remember when you went away with the kids and came back what a mess she was. Emotionally you need to let go for a while. You must resist all urges to pursue. She will bait and bait you but until you see some real changes you can not fall back into it. Then she will pursue, such as sex and you still can't fall right back into it. Its the only way that she will truly change because right now she is manipulating you and counting on the fact that you love her and will do anything for her. Don't rescue her anymore John. Let her fall and feel the bump. Best of luck Rondo
I let loose on her with both barrels last night. When she got into bed, she told me that she was upset with me for visiting her father on Saturday. She told me that her dad got upset when he saw me and I shouldn’t be visiting him. Did I visit with the same man? He hugged me when I saw him and we spoke only briefly about the sitch. I let him know that I only want the best for his daughter and grandchildren. The conversation was very cordial. Maybe she doesn’t want her family to hear the truth?
I then stuck it in her face about running away, rather than facing her problems with me. I got real heated and told her that all she does is keep running and avoiding facing the problems. I told her that she couldn’t stand to be alone and if it weren’t for OM she would have never asked for a sep. I even offered to file the papers if she wants her space so much. I even said to her that if OM was so perfect, how come he dumped you. Silence.
Ron, I know exactly what you are saying. She is so wrapped up in herself right now that nothing else matters. I tried to give her a little taste of reality. Don’t know if it backfired or not.
Wow John, You need to seperate yourself from this now. You can't rationalize why or what she is doing. She is out there and the comment about om is going to undo you because it shows that you are concerned about that weasel. Don't apologize or nothing right now. You backslid and it happens often. Your getting caught up in her drama. When she bought up her father you should have just said 'whatever". She is angry because her parents still like you but they will defend her also. I'm sure her dad was upset with her and questioned what she is doing. You have to walk away from these conversations and accusations. She is trying to show herself that she was right and you are ann angry and controlling guy. Whatever,whatever,whatever. Say it over and over. She will push every button you have until you stop responding.
Think of it this way. If you bang on a dogs fence everyday and that dog goes nuts, you would be amused. What if he stopped responding? Everyday you would bang, nothing, then a couple days a week, nothing, maybe once every few weeks, nothing. Then you stop and wonder why that amused you so much anyway and perhaps how wrong it was to be creul to the poor dog. Your the dog.. Ron
Thanks for putting a little perspective on this for me. I don’t often fly off the handle, but when she tried to blame me for her father getting upset with her, I just had enough and lost it.
Stupid me, trying to speak reasonably with her. I certainly should know better by now. I’ve been through the whatevers with her before; I’m just letting my guard down figuring that the spaceship may be landing. Wrong!
She thinks that I’m not giving up until I get the results that I want (her perception of me being controlling). I told her that I’m not giving up because I made a commitment to her many years ago, but if she really wants a divorce, I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me.
