Thanks guys. Suggestion well taken. I really need to let her fall down and not be there to catch her.
Tonight, my therapist suggested that I not allow her to move into the apartment, saying that I should not let an irrational woman make an irrational decision. I'm kind of on the fence with this. I want her to have her space and I also think it's a really stupid thing for her to move upstairs. It will create a whole new set of problems.
I was snooping and I found some OM memorabilia in her car including a coffee mug with a picture of them on it. I guess that looks aren't important to her
I'm not worried about changing my mind after I already told her that she could move. I told her that I was going to sign the sep papers and I didn't. I'm going to base my decision on what I think is best.
Honestly, rayanne, I thought he was better looking when I met him in June.
When I got home last night, she was asleep so I left her alone. This morning she saw that I was a little quiet and started to ask me about my session. I really didn't want to talk about it with her and she noticed that I was acting more quietly than usual. If anything, it will keep her thinking.
I knew there was some reason why I like you so much. It's your good taste in men .
Well, I think that this is the first time that 3 whole days have gone by without any curve balls being thrown at me. Maybe that's due to my DBing. There have been no OR talks. I kiss her on the cheek when I come and go and good morning, good night. I don't touch her in bed. I still put little notes in her lunch, but they just say "Hi" or "have a great day". Nothing that can be interpreted as pressure. I haven't even talked to her about her plans to move. I'm proud of myself!
She has her 2nd appointment with her therapist today. I hope that she does well.
My W initiated an OR talk this morning. In tears, she told me that even though I was treating her well, she still finds herself not attracted physically to me anymore. She says it’s like I’m a stranger. That seemed to upset her very much. She even asked me to grow back my beard, which I had when we met and I shaved off back in October when we were separated.
She acknowledged the changes that I have made and I assured her that the changes weren’t made to try and win her back, but because I realized that I needed to make the changes for myself. I think she sees that they are for real.
I tried to let her know that I didn’t expect her feelings to come back right away especially after her relationship with OM. She seemed afraid of what she would do if the feelings didn’t come back at all. I understand that she is still confused and has not completely let go of feelings for OM yet.
She was concerned that I would not let her go if she didn’t get the feelings back. I told her that I could not do anything to make her feelings change. That had to come from within her, and that if she wanted to break up, I would do nothing to stop her.
I asked her as delicately as possible to go to her gynecologist and have a blood test. We talked briefly about the possibility of MLC, pre-menopause and reaching a certain age and reassessing what you want from life. She was pretty open to the suggestion.
In the middle of the conversation, my D woke up, so we stopped talking before we were really finished. At that point, W felt sick to her stomach and threw up.
How should I proceed with her? I have been “loving from a distance”, with little physical contact and have not initiated any OR talks lately. When she brings up these feelings of desperation, I want to be able to respond to her in an appropriate way from a DB perspective. Are her feelings normal for what she has been going through and will those feelings change in time?
John, It's kind of a "catch 22" isn't it? She won't feel more emotionally connected to you until she lets you in and she won't let you in unti she feels more emotionally connected.
I can relate to the beard issue. H shaved off his moustache. He didn't have it when we met, but grew it soon after. He's shaved it off very briefly twice before and just shaved it off for good around Thanksgiving. He just is not as appealing to me. Of couse part of it is that I know he did it as a slap in the face to me.
You are competing with W's unrealistic picture of OM. As long as she is still hanging on to that, I think you are going to have trouble.
I would listen to OR issues that W has without analysing them too much. I think maybe if I was in your W's shoes I would see your diagnosis of MLC or hormone problems, depression, etc. as patronizing. Obviously, you are probably right on the mark, but that doesn't fit your W's thinking right now. I think you did a nice job in telling her that you wouldn't try and stop her leaving if her feelings for you didn't come back. I'm sure that is a big concern of hers right now.
I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time right now! ((((John)))) Hang in there! I think things will improve.
My computer is doing really weird things. My email is screwed up again. If you don't see me here, my computer has probably crashed!
I really don’t think that she has let go of feelings for OM yet. She insists that she wasn’t planning to have an A, it just happened. She is being very protective of her cell phone, which makes me a bit suspicious. Maybe she is talking to him and not seeing him.
I’ve resigned myself to knowing that this can go either way and I have no control over it. The hope that I have is that I know there is someone else possessing her mind right now. She is not the W that I knew.
I briefly finished this morning’s OR talk on our way to the store this afternoon. I told her that we are both different people than we were 6 months ago and we should try to give each other the time to get to know each other again. That’s why I’ve been trying to make a date with her. She said that she has no desire to go out with me and that’s why she is so sad. What a pisser!
