I have never layed a hand on her. I have been angry on a few occasions but never to the point where I have hit her. I would never do that. I do know that by signing this i would be unable to even go to the house. I am just trying to find a possible solution so that noone is hurt. I would really like to settle this between the two of us and not ahve a court involved at all. I think that she does have fear towards me but I also belive it is misplaced and blown way out of proportion. I have told her that she needs to seek counseling but she insists all she needs is for me to leave her alone. My main objective is what is best for the kids. W now has no job, therefore no money so I may be taken for even more at court. I just don't want to portray her in a bad light in court if I don't have to. I came here looking for advice from people who are in the DBing boat with me and I thank those who have responded you've given me a little more to think about. Anyone else have an opinion on this?
pmd - this is from your 1st thread - your 1st POST - in your own words:
Quote: Anyway on this night I woke her out of a dead sleep by kicking the bed and basically dragging her out of bed. We immediatly seperated, I moved into my parents. She is now scared to death of me. However, I moved back in, But things still weren't right so about 4 weeks ago I moved out again. Then the other day I finally hit rock bottom when I went over there and we fought, I got mad...punched a cabinet...broke my hand.
You've also stated again and again that your W has requested that YOU LEAVE HER ALONE. Instead you have tried to force your way back into the house...what do you think you're doing to this woman? She's asked, no TOLD you - to give her some space and you show a complete disregard for what she's asking you. Forcing your way back into a place where she clearly does not want you is not conducive to repairing your M. I'm sorry, but it's not.
Throughout your posts, you've BLAMED her for everything...you BLAME her for everything, you've blamed it on post-partum depression; you've blamed it on bi-polar disorder - everything, except possibly accepting some of the blame yourself.
You say you want what's best for the kids. By forcing your way back into the home you're going to back your wife into a corner and she is going to run...and take the kids. And why shouldn't she? She's told you that and you still don't show any respect for her feelings. If you want to do what's best for the kids, stay out of the house - for now. Let your W and kids reside there until things calm down. Work harder on yourself. Get legal counsel regarding the paper she wants you to sign. You don't have to sign anything away....but you do need to give her what she's asking for now or you will have no chance with her again future.
Thank you....that is the post I've been waiting to raed. I know what the right thing to do is. I just wanted somebody...anybody...to confirm it for me. We have spoken and seem to be coming to an agreement between the two of us that would allow her and the kids to stay there. I would only be allowed to come if invited. and would only call her for the kids. I know at this point it is the right thing to do, maybe my only real option. thank you for setting me straight.
The weekend has been up and down for me. Went out friday night and met up with my cousin...ended up having a pretty good time. Yesterday I took the kids to the movies to see Cars...one fell asleep, the other thought it was great. I thought it was pretty good. The downer is that while parking I ran into a parked car. I did a good amount of damage and then struggled with my conscience over what the right thing to do might be. I ended up leaving my number so he could give me a call and have it taken care of. He called last night and seemed okay...not real upset...and very appreciative that I was honest about it. I think the problem is that I used to drive a little escort, a few months ago (superbowl sunday) I totaled it. Now I drive a big Silverado and I guess I still need to work on the parking. So that'll cost me a few bucks probably.
As far as my sitch goes, I've decided that the right thing to do is let them stay in the house for now, give her space and see where this thing goes. The trouble is how do you let go of the person that has been a part of your entire adult life? That is so hard. I don't know anything but her. And why is it that the right thing is always the hardest thing to do? I guess right now I'm just in a mood cause I dropped the kids off and won't see them for a few days.
Tommorrow is our first court date. I'll post about how that goes tommorrow.
I'm glad that you've made a decision. I do hope that your able to see the kids more often. Maybe, this might not be DBing, but if you are really concerned about the kids being around OM, then maybe appologizing to her about your actions lately and that you've just been very concerned about the children and want to do what is best for them and it has caused you do act inappropriately with her and maybe you could have the kids when she plans on having him over or something like that. I feel that this would be okay to do, because your appologizing for your actions, as those actions haven't been DBing anyways, and then you guys are already going to court, and your gonna have to talk about your relationship, because it's going to be very out in the open in court (I would imagine). You need to let her know that she does not have reason to fear you, and it will have to be shown by your actions.
We've all done things out of anger, depression, whatever and have screwed up, but I think it is good to appologize for it . I had to do the same thing, because I kept bringing the children into our sitch and I finally found the DB book and realized what I had been doing and I appologized to H about it and he was appreciative for it.
Well, I wish you luck, I do still think that OM being in your house is totally inacceptable and I think it is a horrible influence and example being set for your children, but what you could do instead is talk to your children and try to give them the security and love they need and let them know that you do not agree with what your W is doing, and you are here for them whenever they need you. Depending on their age, it will be tricky talking about their mother without putting her down, because you don't want them to think badly about their mother, but then you don't want them to think that what she is doing is okay and right.
okay, well, I hope things go well and in your favor at court tomorrow. In regards to her not working, I believe that if she was working while you guys were married, then that's what they will be looking at. In my sitch, I've never worked while we've been married so the attorney told me I'd be able to get alimony.
Keep praying and focus on God and what he can do in your life. If you truely love him, he has a great plan for you, and it might not be with W, and that will be a hard thing to swallow, but I have found peace about my sitch and I know that even if my H doesn't stay with me, God has a great man out their waiting just for me, if I continue to trust in Him.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
oh, pmd, forgot to say Good Job in being honest! That is a very hard thing to do when you could have just left. But think if you were in the other persons shoes. You would have been mad as ever if someone had done that to you, but if they left their number you'd probably be thinking, wow, they must be a really good person to leave their phone number when they could have just left the scene.
So I applaud your honesty!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
As far as the accident goes...called my insurance company and they are handling it. Really turned out to be no big deal.
Court this morning was a different issue. We agreed upon joint custody with the kids primarily residing with her. I get to see them whenever I want (as long as it is mutually agreed upon). She gets to reamin in the home. I cannot go to the home without her consent or call her unless it is pertaining to the kids or other related issues. And she can't have any male spend the night or live at the home. I really just wanted this guy not living in my house and she wants a safety net from me so I guess everyone gets what they want.
Bravo to you pmd, for handling those difficult situations.
Now, if you don't already have a "visitation" schedule, perhaps you could be pre-emptive and start working on one. Ask for your W's input....ask her for a tentative schedule, or you make a "tentative" one and share it with her....definitely stating that it is a "working" arrangement and you would really appreciate her input. By working out a schedule NOW, it will assist in avoiding issues later. You may also suggest a time of day that is set for you to call so you can talk with your children - then stick to it. This will give your W the knowledge of when to expect your call and avoid any misunderstandings. And one thing - stick to the rule. No matter how much you may want to talk with your W or whatever. don't stray from what the two of you agree upon - she will only view that negatively.
I'm really glad it worked out that she gets to remain in the home with the children. I know you were worried about OM being there and it seems as though that issue were resolved, as well. Now your W doesn't have to worry about stability for her and the kids and you don't have to worry about her running.
Now it's time to focus on you. What are some goals you can come up with? What will help you get back on track? Things can be on an even keel here for awhile, with court out of the way. Time to put your focus on the future.
There are so many layers to my sitch that I'm satrting to think it'll never work out. The upcoming loss of my job is going to make keeping the house for anyone impossible. I have no problem with her staying there now but it may be time to put it on the market and she really doesn't want that. As far as kids go we don't really need a set schedule. the thing we always handle well is time with the kids. I get them when I want or if she needs me to have them and same for her. I'm going to just let the dust settle for a while and try to regroup and reaccess the whole sitch before I decide how to move forward. Thank you all for your constant support and attention to my thread it is graetly appreciated. thank you all.
I've come to a point now where I am emotionally drained from this whole thing. I think it is time to go pitch black for awhile and clear my head. I think this weekend I'm going to get myself some new clothes(haven't done that in a long time) and maybe a tattoo that I've been putting off. I really need t spend less time thinking about W and much more thinking about me.
