She seems to think that I can't, basically because she doesn't want me to. The only thing that would stop me I think would be some kind of protection order, and as far as I know there isn't one....unless that's a surprise I haven't gotten yet. The dilemma is I don't want to rock the boat and make it more difficult to repair the R.
My decision to move back in is becoming a non-decision. I feel now that I have no choice. My children are suffering. I spoke with S5's teacher today and she says he averages 3-4 tardies per week. Sometimes not coming in until 11:00. So then I contacted the office at his school and got the exact numbers. He has been absent and tardy more times since I moved out in march than he was the entire time leading up to that. W is clearly having a hard time handling things on her own and I can't continue to let it effect the kids.
W picked D3 up early today. She was in tears, saying her boss is teating her like Sh##. She was saying how she can't take anymore of people "sh##ing on her". Then started into how I keep calling her a liar about whether OM lives there or not. That seemed to be her focus. So once again here we are with everything being my fault.
On the plus side of things I picked up a copy of Five Languages of Love today and it is quite the book. I am very impressed so far. I've made it through all of the languages and am into the part that helps decide wich is your language. I think mine is words of Affirmation. I believe W's is Quality time. So I think it would better suit my DBing efforts if I hadn't left the house in the first place. It is kinda hard to spend time (which would be a huge 180 for me) when you don't live together.
I went to lawyer today. He said that unless there is a documented issue of violence thath she can NOT keep me from moving back into the house. He said I have to very carefull not to let her trap me into a fight, but as long as I remain calm and make no threats to anyone that she can't keep me from the house. So tommorrow night I'm moving back in. That will not sit well with her at all and she will call the cops when I show up. My lawyer advised me to contact them in advance so that they know the situation and to advise them that I received legal counsel that said i can move in.
Probably shouldn't have but I gave W a set of earings today, I told her that it was because she had such a bad day yesterday and now for any other reason. I just wanted her to be able to have something positive to look at if things don't go right today. Maybe not the best idea from a DBing standpoint but tommorrow when I move in any progress I've made that wasn't already lost will be lost.
In reading the love language book I started to notice a few things I could have done differently. When we would go to Wal-Mart I would always go off and do my own thing...so I asked her if that bothered her and sure enough it did. She always wanted me to staty up just a little bit later and I could never see why...now I know, she just wanted to spend time. Hopefully I will be able to put these ideas into practice in the future.
I think it's great that you are reading 5ll's. I think that book, purely from a "Ah-ha" perspective resonated with me the most. It is an easy read and really sheds light on a LOT of things in our marriages that we didn't notice, or frankly, didn't care enough to see. You still have a chance.
Thank you for your response Gh. That book really has opened my eyes more than anything else I've done. It won't make detahment or GAL any easir but it really has shown me where I may have gone wrong. I strongly recommend everyone on these boards read it.
To expand a bit, PMD, I feel that Mars/Venus and 5 LL's both do a GREAT job of illustrating just how much we fail to understand the ones we love and how that misunderstanding leads to SO much turmoil in our lives. I think, maybe even more than DB, which I credit for getting me on the "growth" track in the first place, these two books are the ones that give me hope that IF my marriage does survive, I now have the tools to make it MUCH better than before.
Damn, my sitch has many twists and turns. Now I don't know if I can move back in I THINK I still can. Wife went to family court and she received a summons today. She asked my mom if I received one and I haven't...probably tomorrow. I THink I can still move in because it is only a summons and not a court order. She is clearly determined here. SO my next move is to call my lawyer see if I can still move in and then try to establish primamry custody of my kids. I'll keep the house and she can move on forever or until she comes to her senses.
When I was reading the earlier posts about you figuring out about moving back, I was thinking immediately, if she has a problem, she should be the one to move out, because she's the one who wronged you and doesn't want to be married anymore. IMHO I would definitely do all possible to move back in house and try to get custody of the kids, trying as hard as possible not to be angry or ... I can't think of the word right now, but she's going to be mad at you, probably furious if it goes your way, but you have to stay calm and compassionate and just stand your ground that you are doing what is best for the children.
Some day, hopefully sooner than later, she has got to figure out that what she is doing is harmfull to the kids and that you are doing the right thing.
I would make sure you and the lawyer talk about every possible situation that she could try to pull on you, and make sure you stay one step ahead of her.
With her being a mom, (I'm not sure how much time she devoted to the kids though) I can imagine if you get custody she is going to eventually be miserable, even if she is with the guy she thinks she loves. Maybe this is what she needs to wake her to her senses? I don't know. Of course you can't discount the fact that it could end up being worse, and that is the reason for my saying to be as calm as possible, and still be compassionate, almost as if she has a drug problem or something. Plus, if you guys end up in court and she's the one being irate and your showing yourself as the best father the kids could have, it will just go in your favor. And because your the father, I believe it will be a difficult battle because it seems custody always is givin to the mother, but since she is the one breaking up your marriage, maybe that counts as something?
I will definitely pray for your children and your decisions you have to make. Just remember to let God handle the situation. If we trust in him we can release our anger and hate, and we can be filled with peace. God told us that He uses everything for good for those who love him. Ultimately meaning, sin is what has caused the evil in this world, but for those who love the Lord, He will use these horrible circumstances and turn it to good. He has a plan for us that we cannot understand, but we must trust in him.
I wish you luck in the move home, and the road to getting your children, it will more than likely be long and rough.
Crissy
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Hello, PMD. I haven't posted to your sitch before, but I wanted to say some things jumped out at me. From earlier posts....
Quote: But alot has changed since she was born, I guess I just never noticed. Everyone in the family has said that my W's attitude changed right around that time frame. Our house was always spotless before D was born but since it is always dirty...the house looks like hell right now. Plus my wife never wanted a third child and she blamed me for the unwanted pregnancy because I did want more. Does this all sound off base or is it possible she is still holding resentment for the pregnancy and has tied that to our marital problems
This jumped out at me...first off let me say that I had an unexpected third pregnancy. Do I *blame* anyone? Hell no, it takes two to tango. Granted, the third child really added to the financial stress, but looking into my daughters eyes - would I send her back? Not on your life...or mine. Not even if my R depended on it.
Now, on to "housekeeping". When our family went from 2 kids to 3, well, let's just say all hell broke loose. One kid = easy. Two kids = manageable, got a routine going. OK. Three kids = DISORDER REIGNS!! My house hasn't been the same since #3 came home from the hospital. Goodness what a difference between 2 & 3. I don't know what it is. And, yes I'm going to be rude here - what did YOU do to assist your W? Did you ever do laundry? Shut your mouth and go do the dishes? I don't mean to sound like a b!tch, but even if you go to work during the day and provide financial support for the family, your duties don't stop there. Especially with 3 little ones that require 24 hour/day care. It's draining. Maybe that contributes to your W's feelings because 3 kids are NOT easy. There is NO CATCHING UP. Well, maybe when they're in their teens...lol. But until then, chaos is the norm.
Quote: W is clearly having a hard time handling things on her own and I can't continue to let it effect the kids.
Then you need to discuss it with her in a calm, reasonable manner. Provide your W with some possible solutions...can YOU take the kids to school? What can YOU do to assist your W here for the well-being of your children?
This statement sounds to me like you are very controlling...and still trying to control your W. Personally, I'd rather handle things on my own in a not so perfect way than have someone try to order me around, know what I mean?
Let me ask you something PMD...Why do you want to move back in? Just to keep an eye on your W? To control her? To stop OM from being there? Those are pretty poor reasons. It seems that in the angry stage your W is in right now (let alone the angry stage YOU are in) that moving back in will just serve to push her further away. In your guise to be "there for your kids", you're going to force yourself back into the house and it will only serve to piss your W off even more. Is that what you want to do? Is this your pride getting to you? The ego saying "I'll teach her a lesson - I'm not going to stand for OM in my house?" Well what happens when you move back in and that prompts your W to move out into her "own" place...or worse yet into OM's place. Then what the hell are you going to do?
PMD, I think you should back off a bit. I understand your concern for your children's well-being. Just don't confuse it with your issues with your W. I don't mean to sound so harsh - well, yes, I do. If you're concerned with the kids - then do something about it. Something positive - offer to take care of them more often; pick them up/drop them off; do not let your wounded pride control you and in turn try to control your W. Find a mutually agreeable compromise that will show your wife you're trying to help - not hinder things. If you can't speak with your W face to face without arguing, then perhaps send her an email with some alternatives/suggestions for resolving the issue.Only make sure you do it in a way that is not threatening or full of hostility. Don't make yourself the enemy. Or better yet, ask HER if she has any suggestions.
I hate to tell you, but regardless of whether you're living at home or elsewhere, if your W wants to see OM - she WILL. Ask anyone here going thru the same thing. They will find a way to see the OP...whether you're living with them or not. Don't antagonize the situation. Stop laying blame. Look at yourself and come to terms with your part in the erosion of your M. Take a step back for a while. Re-read DR / DB...if you don't have a copy, get one. Re-read, then read again. Sets some small attainable goals. They really do help. So, why don't you try doing that? Set 2 or 3 attainable goals and post them here for others to help you figure out how to reach them?
I helped out quite abit IMO around the house. There were times when if I didn't clean no one did, if I didn't do dishes noone did. So she did have help in that respect, I even washed laundry.
Why do I want to move back in? Yes alot of it has to do with OM being there. I am angry...very angry. This man HAS SLEPT IN THE SAME BED AS MY SON!!!!!!I wnat him out and away from my kids NOW. I realize that my wife will be pushed further away...maybe she'll come back...maybe not. But this guy being around my kids isn't good. I can't just sit back and watch anymore hoping she sees changes in me. If she wants to leave the house she is free to, but I'm moving bcak in.
