Hi, I have been going thru trials myself. My husband started affair with girl he saw at a friends funeral and it was someone he dated before me and hasn't seen her in 10 years and told me he always thought she was the one for him. The Affair has been going on for 4 months now and he's continually lying about it.
However, the reason I'm writing you is that I noticed you said you would like prayers said for you. If you don't mind, I'd like to share some verses with you that have helped me. Although Michele's book and website are very insightful and a wonderful help in our dreadful sitch, God can and will work miracles in our lives, and He is where we can find true joy and peace.
Reading Psalm 25 (especially vs 16-21) Psalm 31 (especially 9-10)
These helped me when I was in the depressed stage. In regards to that, I believe that we all go thru stages. First depression, then anger, then depending on how we deal with those feelings, they can turn to rage, or we can get past them and focus on God and ourselves. As her book talks about, we can only change ourselves, and that is what we should focus on.
James 1 vs 2 says "Consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea blown and tossed by the wind."
It also says in vs 19. "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." This is very hard, but we need to find out what techniques we can use for ourselves to accomplish this.
I know it sounds like you have a lot of anger right now, and I believe that is just a natural response after our depression has dissapated. It is so important for you to control your anger, I know it's extremely hard, it is hard for me too.
I hope everything works out for you,, and I will pray for your sitch.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Chrissy thank you so much for your kind words,a nd keeping me in your prayers. I really don't know what to do with myself now. I am so depressed, as I sit here I'm fighting back tears. I keep asking my self "how did we get here?" In feruary we took our last family trip to Disney, we ahd agreed to seperate before then and still take the trip. The trip went pretty well we got along, even ML at one point. There was no anger or hostility...today that's all there is. I am not mad at my W, I am just so frustrated. I knwo the goal is to focus on ones self. But I can only think of her. Ilove her and miss her so much. Things have gotten so far out of hand. I kow DBing is supposed to focus on improving me with no expextations about the R, but aren't we all really doing it in hopes of repairing the R. I mean if our marriages hadn't fallen apart why would we be here, and would we have ever tried to improve ourselves.
The sitch now is turing ugly, I see us headed down an ugly road I do not want to go down. My W has already spoken with family court/services. I have an appoinment on ntuesday to see a lawyer. If we do D I am going to fight for the kids, I don't want to have to do that. I don't wnat to bring up dirt and hurt my wife. Does anyone have any suggestions how I can tone this down.
One of the major things I won't budge on is I don't want OM around my kids. Should I bite the bullet on this one or stand firm. I've tried to explain that she shouldn't have introduced him to them at this point. She thiunks it's harmless. Should I just let it go. I'vce told her I won't pay for the house as long as he spends so much time there, should I ease up on that? I don't want to fight but I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. Any suggestions?
Okay, I was talking with my mom earlier trying to get some advice as to what I should do. She came up with an interesting theory regarding my wife and her attitude towards me. She suggested that maybe my wife has been suffering from post partum depression. I don't know though because our youngest will be 4 this august. But alot has changed since she was born, I guess I just never noticed. Everyone in the family has said that my W's attitude changed right around that time frame. Our house was always spotless before D was born but since it is always dirty...the house looks like hell right now. Plus my wife never wanted a third child and she blamed me for the unwanted pregnancy because I did want more. Does this all sound off base or is it possible she is still holding resentment for the pregnancy and has tied that to our marital problems. Can this type of depression go on this long if it goes untreated/undiagnosed? I have mentioned that I've been worried about my W lately, that I think she's depressed...but maybe it's been going on all along and I never caught it.
My sitch is going down fast. I don't want to take the path that we are taking but I am concerned about the effect all this is having on my kids. I strongly believe OM has moved into my house. My son told me today that OM's brother moved into his apartment and that OM moved into our house. My son has told my SIL that OM "stays" there. This is not good and I can't get my wife to see that. I don't where to turn here and I don't know what my options are. As I said before my C suggested that I talk to a lawyer to see if I could move back into the house. That appointment isn't until tuesday...I'm going to go crazy until then. I have a call into family services to see what they have to say.
wow. I totally don't know what to tell you. I had the same thoughts about my hubs OW, cause it made me sick to think if we D, then he would be with her and the kids would see her.
I am so sorry to hear she is doing that, it is absolutely horrible, and she is not thinking straight or living in reality.
I do believe she could be depressed. Does she take care of herself at all? or did she when you guys were together? I think so many of us women have some sort of depression. We all think our bodies are ugly... well, most of us. and that we always need to lose weight no matter how thin we are.
This whole thing has really kicked me in the butt, because that's how I was. My husband never complimented me even when I primped up, so I felt like why bother, and I just hated myself more, and became less and less confident. That's probably part of the reason he's "with" the OW.
To give you hope, I do know that a friend of mine's husband had filed for D and they were even at the courts, but the courts had made a suggestion for a counseling class because Oklahoma had such a high D rate. Well, they went ahead and went, and I guess that started things on the right path. It was a class about how to learn the other persons needs without really changing who you are, but about listening and validating the other person and respecting their needs and thoughts, and how to show them love the way they want to be loved.
I'm so sorry about what is happening. All I know is that IMHO if you start accusing or demanding things she will just feel like your the enemy and draw closer to him.
Since I've made my change 2 weeks ago, from totally pursueing, snooping and all that, to being loving, having fun with myself (like golfing, working out, writing songs) that it seems my husband is more confused now. he told a friend that D is so final and that you can't turn back after it, so maybe he should do a 1 month seperation to see if any feelings are still there. The good thing is he's at least thinking now, but it isn't all good, because feelings don't matter- but you can't reason that with them. They are having their A and think there are sparks flying and they don't love you anymore, but Love is a decision, a choice. Real feelings follow after.
I will pray for you to gain strength and wisdom for your choices. I know it is so difficult, and I would hate to be where you are right now, but you need to continue to be strong, both for you and your children. IMHO I would try to get the kids as much as possible right now because they are going to be very confused and you need to support them now.
In Gods Love, Crissy
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I spoke with family services today and they were really less than helpfull. Basically they can't do anything for me and said that my questions were best ansered by an attorney. So I quess the wait continues until tommorrow.
As afr as her taking care of herself. Yes she does, but she is NEVER satisfied with the outcome. Her hair is never good enough, her clothes don't look good enough, she's too fat. She just has a negative self image. Looking back I know I didn't do enough to change that but part of me feels like I could compliment her all day long and she would still not be completely satisfied.
There is way more history for her than I could ever go into. Her history before me is so terrible that you wouldn't believe it. I would feel like I betrayed her if I spelled any of it out here but she has had many many terrible things happen to her and these things still effect her today. Now I think she takes all of these negatives that have happend over her lifetime and puts my face on them. I am the reason she is unhappy, I am the reason she is stressed out, and I am the reason she feels so bad about herself.
I just hope I can stop this before it goes to far.
I just got a call from my AFRES recruiter and now my first weekend will not be until August thanks to a problem with paper work. So there goes my 4 days of "vacation" for the end of this week, and there goes my 2 months of away time this summer. I guess there is no running away from this, I'll have to be around and deal with it. I was really hoping for that vacation from my life...but it's just another one of those things I can't control.
Here's the thing PMD, I think many of us, myself included, have wives that have had "terrible" things happen to them in the past. I am by NO means assuming I know what things your W has gone through, but I am just suggesting that there are always bad things that complicate most of our situations and predisposition us to be sympathetic to our wives, even beyond the normal "love" factor. It's what makes detaching SO hard, because we have become SO used to being there for them and managing their emotions for them. Hell, I still do it today and I KNOW BETTER.
There is a fine line between being a supportive, loving husband and something much worse. I know I have been the "much worse" variety for much of my marriage, really not helping my W at all but allowing her to get worse at times because I was unwilling to have my OWN emotions and feelings about things.
I say all this because I feel like you are beating yourself up over not being the right way or doing the right things in support of your W. That may be true but right now, you can't make up for that. She has to do some things on her own, and it would be great if one of those things was to accept the past and not ascribe all of it's negatives to you. The problem is that you can't make her do that so the best you can do is to try to identify that which you want to improve on and do so, letting her take care of herself.
She is falling into the trap of self-loathing or thinking that nothing is ever good enough, don't you do that too.
My biggest problem/decison right now is if I go to the lawyer tomorrow and he tells me there is nothing she can do to keep me from moving back in....should I. I am very sure she would not like the idea at all, but at the same time I don't want this guy living with my kids (if that is what's going on). I guess at this point I don't even know if it's adecision I will have to make...he could say I can't go back....but then I have to decide to pay the mortagge or not. I don't want to lose the house but i don't want her taking advantage of em either. Life sure is fun!
