I'm new here. My wife and I haven't had sex for 5 years and before that it wasn't great. I'm just not interested. She has moved out, is not talking the big D, but says I need to figure it out because she can't take the pain of rejection anymore. For years she seemed OK, but obviously wasn't. We were so busy at our company, I guess she did that instead of think of it. I'm the guy, I should want it all the time, but dont. I think about other women all the time, but don't act on it. I think I have a problem with sex when I get to know the person. I can have sex with a stranger, but with my wife of 10 years, nothing! BTW, I have not been unfaithful even once! But I think about it. When I think back, this has happened before with girlfriends in the past. As soon as we get to know each other well, I can't think about touching them. Is it an intimacy thing?? Can I fix it??? We will get a D if I can't fix it.
It's me again. The more I read on this forum, the more I see I'm not alone. My wife thinks it's not normal; and maybe it isn't, but she can't even conceive of it as near normal or happening to guys! Maybe I shuld get the book. Read the first chapter and it made sense. My problem is Am I interested in my wife that way? I love her very much in every other way, were good friend, we had a good relationship at work, but this issue had made her resentful and it has carried over to our work life. I need help!!!
Welcome, photo. We rarely get LD guys here. Congrats for recognizing that there's a problem. Michele's book might help, but I'm thinking that some kind of individual counseling for you might help, too. Have you ever considered it? You say this is a pattern for you? That's not odd-- most of us keep having the same relationship over and over again with different people. What were your wife's past R's like?
She was married once before but I think sex was fine. She tends to be a control freak and that goes at work too. The feeling of being #2 at work with her being more in charge, doesn't help. I am a guy afterall and like being the decision maker. While I have some control, she is #1. And with her sex life being so bad, she says that hasn't helped as far as listening to what I have to say on the job. So I have had to retool my previous career to do part time to get me out of the shop. Is me not wanting to have sex with her mean that I'm just not interested in having sex with HER???? Or what is it? Can I do something to make myself feel more like having sex with her? I think about having it with other women all the time. I don't do it, but I think about it. That can't be good, but I know all men do that. And probably other women too!!!
Boy, this is a new one! Why don’t you give us a clue and answer some of your own questions, or at least give a little more background and discussion.
When I think back, this has happened before with girlfriends in the past. As soon as we get to know each other well, I can't think about touching them.
What do you mean by this? Why can’t you think about touching them? What thoughts do you have? Why are you only attracted to other women you don’t know? What happened in your childhood to trigger this? What was your FOO (family of origin) all about? Were you ever sexually molested or abused? Were you ever exposed to sexual abuse of some sort?
Lots of lights and whistles going off in my head about with your sitch. Seeing a sex therapist is probably your best bet…..
Was never abused or anything like that. My parents were divored when I was 12 and I had to fend for myself, with my 3 siblings, from then on. We obviously had contact with the parents but my mother lived a couple of miles away and my father left for work at 3am every day, so I had to get my self up, go to school, etc. Cooked a lot of dinners for my younger brother and I and one older sister; yes at 12 years old. So I'm used to handling problems by myself. Not always a good idea. When I say "can't think of touching them" I'm not sure what to say here. I just have no interest. Until I got married, most of the sex I had was under the influence. I'm not a drunk! We would go to dinner, have some drinks and wind up at my house. But then I got married and almost stop drinking and; I don't know. I can't be the only one this has happended to! I still like or love the person, but don't want that intimacy with them. At those moments, I would rather have meaningless sex with someone I'm attracted to but don't really know. If that makes sense. Maybe it's an intimacy thing. Probably once I got into it I would love it, but I'm having trouble getting past the first part. Who knew I was so screwed up!! Did I answer all the questions?
You have a problem very similar to my wifes. My wife had horrible divorced parents and ended up running the household from the age of 9 on. She raised her brothers and sisters, sometimes for days with no adults around at all. She now suffers from the "Who wants to want syndrome". What that means is that as a child, you are looking for love, warmth, security, etc.. from your parents, and when they are not there or when they do not come throught with these things, or they constantly failed you as a child, you learn to stop wanting these things. In effect, all the people you were supposed to "Want" in life failed you, and so to insulate yourself from a failed relationship, you avoid any level of initmacy. That way you can not be hurt when this person close to you eventually fails you, as do all people in your life. You are trying to avoid wanting something that might hurt you in the long run, so you avoid "wanting" all together. In order to have true intimacy with another person, you have to lay EVERYTHING on the line, you have to become completely vulnerable, you have to RISK everything for real intimacy and love, and because of the LACK of love in childhood, you are trying to protect yourself from the possibility of being hurt, which in the long run, you will CAUSE this hurt to happen.
