Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy My sitch - RC

Going to journal the wedding weekend for posterity…

Saturday: We fly out to where the wedding is going to be. W has started using SMS. She said she was SMS'ing a friend of ours that is in the wedding party. I checked her phone (yeah, I know) and she had been SMS'ing that friend, but also OM. Neither of us brought our laptops, and we were fairly guaranteed to be together most of the time on this trip, so I had hoped she would be able to not talk to OM except in the very limited phone calls she might be able to make on bathroom breaks. We had gotten in late afternoon and so were able to hook up with friends for dinner and drinks. Several times during the night I noticed her SMS'ing, and since our one friend was with us, and the fact she was trying to hide what she was doing, I knew it was OM. This somewhat tainted the rest of the weekend, but not constantly. Being with friends and going drinking was fun - but, every once in a while I wanted to grab her phone and stomp on it.

Sunday: The wedding was at 1:30pm. We slept in late (a rarity at home), W went out and grabbed donuts for breakfast, and we got ready for the wedding. I didn't know how early we should go, so left that judgment to W. We left around 12:15pm, were almost there, W asks if we were going to make it, and I said "um, yeah, it's not until 1:30". W then says I told her it was 12:30. There's just no way. We had a mini-fight - these things just don't go anywhere and probably just add to her reasoning and justification for her actions. I drove to the church anyway, just to be sure, and sure enough it was at 1:30 - W says "I guess you were right." We turned around to go back to the hotel to get the card, then went back to the church. Everything was back to "normal" between us.

After the wedding, we went straight to the reception. W wanted to sit outside, but it was hot, and all of our friends were inside, so I went inside. We either both went in or W followed, but we did end up inside for the dinner. Music and dancing started after dinner, so we went outside (still way hot), and mostly talked to friends separately. Neither she nor I really dances, but I was planning on asking her to dance. At some point, she went and sat somewhat away from everyone, just looking off in the distance. I'm not sure what that was about, but I walked over and asked her if she'd like to dance. She kind of sleepily glanced at me and shook her head. So, I left and went about what I was doing. At another point, I again asked her if she'd like to dance, and she declined. Neither of us had been dancing, even with other people there. The "dollar dance" comes, where you pay a dollar to dance with bride or groom. W didn't have her wallet on her, so she asked me if I had a dollar. I only had a $10, so handed it to her saying (with a smile) "Only if you dance with me later." She got upset and said "I don't want any conditions on it." Man, wtf - this "I'm giving you money for favors" joke is a long running one, and especially in relation to the friend who was getting married - I really thought she'd get it. But, of course, I did actually mean it. I got REALLY upset at her reaction, so just said "WOW... I...." and walked away. Quite some time later, after I'd gotten over that upset, and we were sitting with friends talking, W pulls me up to go dance. It was a relatively slow song/dance, all the while we kept several inches between us, and she never looked me in the face - the only positive out of it all was that it was the most I'd touched her in the past month or so. We danced one more time to a relatively slow song, and a few times to fun bouncy songs with groups of friends. The time ended feeling good - we were all slightly inebriated, too. We piled in the convertible rental with a couple of friends and were going to go drinking, but that ended up being a bust because people started loosing momentum. (I noticed her SMS'ing in the car.) We ended back at the hotel, going to bed around 11pm.

Sunday was a relatively tough day. I know that the fact we were going to a wedding had a lot to do with it. I was on the verge of crying a handful of times throughout the day, but never really broke down.

Monday: The bride's family was hosting a luncheon, which we were going to go to for a while. We drove over that way, to make sure we could find it, and W made a comment about lunch not being until 1pm - I knew it to be noon, so just didn't say anything, and when we go there, everyone was there. What's up with her and this time crap? Anyway, got to see the bride and groom again and a couple of other friends. We left before everyone started eating and drove to do tourist things. We drove part of a local wine trail, which ended up being fun enough. In driving around after that, we happened upon a meeting of some old car enthusiasts, of which W is slightly one. That happened to be a good find for W. We then drove back, rescued a couple of turtles in the middle of the road (random mention), and ate dinner at a nice restaurant in a neighboring town.

Tuesday: We checked out of the hotel, went to a local museum, which ended up being an interesting place, then went straight to the airport. Flight back was fine, and was good to see our girls again.

Interesting Note: That Unfaithful song, mentioned on wedge's thread, came on no less than 4 times while driving around. Our hometown radio station doesn't play this song, so I'm sure W never heard it. I don't think she paid attention to the lyrics any of the times it came on.

And now on to a more morose note…

W has been sleeping clothed for probably the last month. We've been comfortable naked around each other since early on in our relationship, but now she's rarely naked around me.

I really don't feel like I'm even my W's friend, anymore. She's becoming more and more distant as time goes on. She avoids my touch. We don't talk about anything of any significance, except family topics. She no longer sends me random messages throughout the day (hasn't for a long time, actually). Before she met OM, I was her best friend - now I'm not her friend at all. I can't see how even roommates live so disconnected like this. Is this at all typical?

I'm getting closer to going for the final ultimatum every day. I just can't seem to detach, and the more I think about how to go about detaching, the more it seems like pure and simple denial. I loose respect for my W every day that she continues this A, in front of my face, showing how little respect she has for me or our family. I do feel this is an MLC, which I need to read up on. I can't let go of my building anger - I just don't know how, and I feel I've tried a number of things that should have helped. I feel I need to talk to W, but doubt the sanity of doing so both in my current state and with the "don’t bring up the A" talk in DB.

I miss my wife. I miss my friend.

Hi RC,

It is so weird to read up on your sitch and see so many similarities to mine. How old is your W? Because the MLC symptoms surely seem present as far as I can tell. My H, when in the haze, loses track of important days (like he didn't recall 4th of July) let alone time oddities. He will tell me he is coming by the house the next day, then I won't see him or hear from him for days. It's like he doesn't recall what he's said, and sometimes the conversation we've had before will happen again like we've never had it before. It's very strange to be on this side of it. And the clothing at bed time is very typical. My H has always been very open with his body, but after he started the A he dressed with his back to me and tucked everything in, and slept on the edge of the bed with his back to me - most of the time. Every once in a while, I have seen a loving warm and open H, like at my D's graduation weekend in May. But it's really rare. I think this is their shame about the A, they can't let us "see" them.

So, yes I think all of what you are describing is really really common, whether it MLC or just affair behavior, I'm not totally sure. And it is really hard, and I am so sorry. I can tell you that I am getting much better at being detached and compassionate though. Do try to go there. Most of this has been working for me best through GAL efforts that have involved ALOT of self care (such as massage, seminars, therapy, exercise including long walks on the beach, etc.) Try to find healthy things to do that make you feel good about yourself and get really regular about them. Give yourself the amount of distance you need to be kind to your W, if possible. I promise you she is hurting. I think the life of a WAS is no picnic. Believe it or not, I would rather be a LBS anyday. Their road is excruciating. So just remember, she is messed up. And then do your best to be NOT messed up yourself.

Hang in there RC. It is hard, but it does get better with time. Time and patience are your best friends

W just called me. Said she's been thinking about something - is uncomfortable going to dinner and the play tomorrow night with our friends, so why don't I take my mom as partial thanks for watching the girls this past weekend. We have season tickets with these friends, and they both know about the A - one is the good friend I've been talking to (the only one of two people that I've talked to that we both know, the other being a coworker she'll likely never see), and he's told his W. Not sure how this is going to play out for the rest of the season, assuming W isn't about to file for D.

I still am wary of these movements by W. It's now quite out of character for her to have brought this stuff up. But, it's very much in character for her to have bottled stuff up and let it explode in several bullet points at once. In fact, I talked to my IC about this, and I think my W is at least one order of magnitude worse in being passive-aggressive than I am. She bottles things up so much more than me, particularly now that she's built the wall, and when it comes out it EXPLODES... and it's usually about several disconnected things at once. The last time it happened was right before d-day, and boy was it a doosy. Like I think I said before, should we continue with this M, W is going to have a lot of her own issues to work through, and I haven't seen a willingness of her to do that. Although, she has said she's planning on seeing her own IC (said twice in the last 2 months).

With that said, I'm trying to not think about it too much, because I've got entirely too much to deal with at work... and I want to have a good time with my friends tonight (four of us going, now) as it's sort of them taking me out for my bday.

Wow, I just all of a sudden started SEETHING over here that my W would have the gall to say "I wish I could believe you". WTF! That's MY line! Gah, I just want to call her up and say "Who the hell do you think you are that it is your place to believe or not believe what I say??? I'M not the one that betrayed YOUR trust and is neck deep in a g-d affair!" I think I'm going to have to go over to that "Stupidest things" thread and post this one.

Thinking of you, RC and sending you a cyberhug during this time.

It is so hard to NOT scream and have a rip-roaring, old fashioned FIT about the insanity of it all. Your W is a POW (piece of work) as are most WAS's during the alien abductions.

Hang on, my friend, and try to find your center before you confront or R talk in ANY way. I guarantee it will do you no good and not further your cause right now, but the temptation is strong. I feel for you, and remember it well.

Thanks BI... I'm REALLY trying to find my center right now.

I went to the play with my mom and our (mine and W's) friends tonight. Had a good dinner and play was good. Got home, walked around the house a bit, got into the bedroom, and W was on the phone. She's NEVER (or at least VERY rarely) on the phone with anyone at home, and particularly at night. When I walked in, it startled her, she made some ambiguous comments to who she was talking to, said bye, and ...
W: How was the play?
M: Good. ... Who was that? (in a non-accusatory and non-interogation way)
W (truthfully enough): <OM> (Note, this is probably the first time she's been that openly honest about this sort of thing.)
M: <pause>... Just chatting, huh? (I had NO idea wtf to say.)
W: Yeah, I thought I heard a gunshot outside. (This does happen every so often, as we have woods behind us. But, given OM would have had to call her (long distance), I can't see how this had any bearing.)
M: <pause... pause... pause> I have to be honest, that upsets me a bit... and I don't mean the gunshot.
W: I know. (very matter-of-factly - no regret, no shame, no guilt)
M: <pause... walk into other room... come back... pause pause> I see you brought the furniture downstairs. Good job. (I was actually planning on being effusively complimentary about the work she'd been doing around the house tonight, until the above convo. So, I did mean "good job", but damn it hurt to say that as the next thing in the convo.)

After that, as far as she was concerned, everything was back to "normal". Can't say the same for me. So, I put on my swimsuit and went swimming for half an hour or so. Don't feel much better, and certainly not centered. But, damn, do I want to walk in there and ask her wtf and tell her I don't know how long I can continue this. She's increasingly throwing this $hit in my face, or just being out and out blatant about it. Is this an f'ing cry for help? (My IC would say so.) WTH am I supposed to do? Detach? Go into denial?

We were going to be doing dinner with my family for my bday tomorrow night. Have already had her family, my office, somewhat W herself, and then my friends do things for me for my bday - my family damn well gets a turn. But, I actually would prefer W to not be there, at this point - just me, the girls, and my family. I don't know that I'll feel entirely comfortable with her there, and us playing like nothing is wrong. My mom asked me quite a number of times tonight why W wasn't going to the play. I made a commitment some time back that I will not lie to my family, her family, or our friends, and that at most I would simply say I prefer not to answer when the answer would lead to revealing the A. I told my mom that she should consider it partial thanks for watching the girls last weekend, which was half of what W said; and I told her "no" when she asked if we were fighting and that's why she wasn't there. It gets harder every time I see my mom to not just tell her what's going on - I've hidden very few things from her in my life - but, I can't if I hope things to work out.

I want to go dark. But, I think I want it for the wrong reasons. I tell myself I want it so I can focus on me. But, I think I really want it to punish W - to show her what it's like without me as a friend. But, I think she already feels I'm not her friend - she certainly doesn't really treat me that way (I know... whaaa, poor me... somebody play a little fiddle). But, even then, I think there are too many logistics to how we have to plan things around and with her family, my family, our friends, our girls, the house, our cars, etc. etc. If and when I do decide to go dark, I'm going to have to peruse this message board for help.

What keeps blowing my mind is how deep she is digging herself into this affair, not just keeping what she had going, but strengthening their connection and and involvement, while loosening ours; and all this while I've actually been outwardly a lot better than my old self - more friendly, more accomodating, more agreeable, but not in a pursuing fashion.

Well, just had a long R talk with W. It came straight off a fight. W was getting progressively angrier for one reason or another, and eventually started yelling/snapping at one of our girls. I was walking over there and picked our D2 up, and W snapped at me. I calmly stated "you seem distressed, and I'm not entirely sure why." W responds with "Of course I am - I've been busting my ass cleaning, I'm tired, the girls won't nap, and you just undermined my authority." I started to let it go, which would almost be more of the same - more of the same might also have been a good "f you and f your authority" - but, instead I told her I don't feel she has the right to claim I undermined her authority, and that she may be stressed, tired, and whatnot, but she shouldn't start taking it out me and the girls. Well, this lead into her reaming into me, claiming I never do my share of work around the house..... hrm, I'd just been thinking the same about her until this cleaning spree. This all somehow lead into R and A discussion. So, I don't know if I really started it, or her, or it just happened.

What came out of this was that W doesn't think she can ever get over the fact I read her email - violating her privacy and trust. I validated my a$$ off during this whole discussion, but also presented my side of things, including making her realize she violated a heap of trust herself, and continues to do so. The last two things in the conversation were D talk and MC talk. She asked me "What do you think would happen if I decided I didn't want to do this anymore?" (Hey, ain't that my line? Well, somewhere in there I did say I didn't know how much longer I could live like this.) I answered with a question: "I don't know - you tell me." The key thing she mentioned was that she'd probably get primary custody - I acknowledged this. I asked her if she'd looked into or thought of all the implications of D - the kids, the house, etc. She told me I'd get the house (hooray :P). She mentioned standard custody rules, "unless you chose to fight it." I didn't say one iota about my thoughts about what would happen in a D proceeding - partly b/c I still don't know for sure what I'd do or fight for. The last thing was MC - she's still more than willing, and said she'd talked to a couple (not sure I trust that), and they said it's better to start than not (I don't fully believe this opinion) - I'm going to go ahead and contact a few my insurance covers next week and go from there. But, I've also got to call around for a new IC. Going to be a busy week.

A couple of other things she said:
* She's going to see an IC starting this Monday.
* Given the good time we'd just had on our 4th of July trip, she was on the verge of saying "goodbye" (to OM) until I blew up that night. Can't say I truly believe this statement, but I do still admit it was a stupid thing to have happened.

Hi RC:

I have been following your threads for quite awhile. On that last bit about on the verge of ending OM issue.. I dont think I would believe it either. Sounds to me like just one in a series of "things" she uses to justify in her mind what she is doing to you is "acceptable"... and more than likely others will follow. Also helps her negate some of her guilt and inner anxiety too !

Keep hanging in there. You are doing an incredible job with your sitch !

Tom