Your own quote *********************************************** H says my smile has changed- that I have a wisdom and strength he's not seen before, which he admires. I can tell others are reacting to me differently, too. *********************************************** So what happened to this part of you?
Perhaps it's time for a mini alone vacation without H. Go alone or with a friend and let H wonder.
To answer your question Kent, I'm having a crisis of faith, I think. At the exact moment when I really need to be as strong as I can be. I keep having flashbacks of previous bombs. And in my weakness,I have let on too much about that fear to him. I am angry with myself for that. Wasn't that me just talking about not asking for reassurance and then lately, I need it all the time.
But in all fairness, it is just a bit much to be dealing with his OW, and being pretty much homeless at the same time. I need his support too, and I just can't ask for it. Then he feels horrible for that. A vicious circle. I try to downplay it, and to put on a happy face as much as possible.
Today I sent him an email listing a few light and funny things I consider to be the "bright side of having an affair with my H". He really appreciates my efforts. I do have some moments of clarity, still. Ah well, Tomorrow is a new day, and a new chance to be backslide - free, right?
I have to promise myself to not let fear control me or sabotage this.
You're right,you ARE letting fear overtake you right now, it's pretty evident in your last couple of posts. As long as your fears are running the show, you're REACTING to the situations instead of ACTING on them.
You've been here before and have recovered from it. Heed wise Kent's advice and get away from things. You're edging towards getting back on the roller-coaster with him, instead of just watching.
Re-read your old posts, and look back at how things for you have tended to slip back into old patterns, and what things you did to change the dance steps. You've done great things before, and you can do them again.
Don't get too caught up in what he says he's feeling or what you THINK he's feeling. Remember actions versus words.
Remember to get pissed-off every once in awhile. You've earned it and deserve it. Quit making things so easy for him.
Now that he's realizing how great you are, give him small little doses of HIM feeling the fears of losing YOU. Have faith, my friend!! You WILL pull yourself back up from this!!
[ November 15, 2001: Message edited by: Jamesjohn ]
JJ
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I will go back and reread old posts, and figure out the clues. You're right that this is a pattern. I am spooking myself, and it has happened before. Then I give it more power and surely that works against my best efforts.
I am feeling a lot better today. I am NOT getting on the roller coaster.
I agree-you do not want to get back on that ride. Sounds to me like you H needs to stop having his cake and eating it too. Let him be the pursuer for a while, he needs to make his decision and stop stringing you along. I think the idea of ‘having an affair with your own H’ is ludicrous, although it serves her sorry butt right (must feel good to have that sort of...vindication) but do not let him forget that he is YOUR H, not hers. I liked your point about how you told him you thought their talking about his feelings for you may seem to her like they were working on their R…good insight-I hope he ‘got it’.
She is just a toad in the road-and you know what happens to them...they get squished.
Don’t make it so easy for him-make him work for it. I love the idea of getting away for a bit and not telling him with who or where. Let him see how it feels.
I also think he needs to grow up. But that’s very easy for me to say as I am not living either or your lives...just MHO but he sure sounds confused. Maybe a wake-up-call-shake-him-to-his-core is on the horizon?
"Sounds to me like you H needs to stop having his cake and eating it too." Well, I’ve been trying to let him have his cake and eat it until he’s plain sick of cake. Often that verges on “Doormat” and then I get frustrated and crack. I can tell that the duality of his life stopped being “fun” for him a long time ago (if it ever was) but there’s no doubt he’s been confused. He’s been afraid, feeling guilty and paralyzed into inaction. He does know he’s the only one to get himself out of it. I guess it doesn’t make it easier to do. But… He just got on a plane to go see her (planned trip) and SAYS he’s ready to end it this weekend. I told him if he’s not ready, not to do it. He says he just wants to get through it. I hope that he’s resolved the feelings enough for himself to make this stick and move forward. We’ve been here before, and so I am bracing myself for the possibilities that a) he won’t do it b) he’ll do it and flip flop afterwards or c) he’ll do it and actually move on from her (hopefully with me). While he’s away, I’m moving out of my parent’s place (aka Exile) and in with a roommate- taking some stuff from our house. Can't tell if that's good or bad timing, but it doesn't matter. It’s definitely a necessary (and positive) step for me, and it will keep me busy. To just think – soon, I’ll be able to cook a meal, light a candle or have a bath anytime I want.(back to baby steps)
I’m moved in to the new place, and humble start that it is, the quality of my life has improved 100%! A little disoriented when I wake up and think about how different this life is from what I thought it was going to be, but I have to keep reminding myself it’s only a step…
H came back from his trip Sunday night – called me as soon as he got in. He was pretty drained from heavy talks with OW. He just wanted to say he was “still my husband, and the Aliens hadn’t taken him”. (funny, he's been using those words "husband" and "wife" lately) He said only that he had not fully ended it with her, but started the process, had asked her for space. He wanted now to try opening up with me, and “letting me in” more. He wanted to talk more Tuesday night. So he came to my place (a 180) last night and we had a great talk. By great, I mean honest and real, with a lot of baby steps.
If I only listened to the words, I would be frustrated by his still being stuck- loving two people still, by his saying he wants to be with me, and loves me but also sometimes wants that with her. More of same. I would feel like he’s never going to get out of this limbo. BUT he really wants to solve it, and he’s made an appt (finally) with a really good counselor for next week. He’s also been wearing his ring since he got back, been more attentive about my needs and feelings, and brought me flowers for the first time in a year. He's also making some more small plans with me, and the best action was his opening up last night – he really wants more closeness and openness, and actually started it.
Lightbulb moment! I think this is a bigger challenge to overcome, even, than OW. If we can achieve more genuine closeness and more honesty, I think the rest will fall into place much easier. He’s already said that the best parts about OR is that we really are similar people, have a great new chemistry and that he really thinks I understand him, but we have difficult communication style, sometimes (we’ve come a long way, but have further to go). He has still been afraid to talk (his issue). I think I am going to focus what I can do to help this since it is within my power to do. It’s so odd, because he says he hasn’t had anyone to talk to who knows everything, except now me. OW doesn’t know I’m in the picture as much as I am, and she’ll have nothing more to do with him once she knows differently.
Sorry this is so long, I’m trying to stay focused and writing it out here really helps. I'll try not to sound so much like a broken record
Gotta agree %100 with Kent...the ball is in HIS court now-you cannot make this too easy for him.
If it is too easy for him he will not see the value in it, in you. He might see you as a push-over which would cause you to resent him and him to withdraw...a vicious cycle (am in the midst of that myself and it ain't too much fun).
It is OK to commiserate with him about his sense of loss over not being able to be with OW anymore...but you ALSO need to let him know-in a loving way- that you are hurt too and he has to understand your feelings too and that the only way he's gonna get past it is to END it with her...PERIOD. Be strong and be there for him-but not too much...you are not a doormat!!
