I have to tell you guys what strangeness is happening in my world...
H wants to come back (again) and I didn't expect this at ALL. On the contrary- I have been preparing myself mentally for D and for him to move away to "try" a R with OW - even though he and I have been a lot more honest and close with each other lately.
There were two catalysts for this- He spent all last week with OW. And I admitted to him a mild attraction to a good friend of ours, which is the first real threat to him since we separated a year ago. First real sign of me "moving forward", too. I have still been wanting to make our marriage work, but I have been able to really detach and have gained a lot of acceptance of myself and whatever might come.
I have heard others speak of these transformations.
H says my smile has changed- that I have a wisdom and strength he's not seen before, which he admires. I can tell others are reacting to me differently, too.
So, now- H doesn't have any plan yet, so far it is "intention" but he believes we can work. This time HE is the one "auditioning" so to speak.
I have to admit, I have a lot of mixed feelings. I am afraid of this pulling me back into his "spin". I do not want to be hurt again. I am still patient and I still want this, but I have needs, limits and goals that I will have to express eventually with caution of course.
I know so many of you have been at this point, and I have been here twice now. And still I ask if it is normal to have mixed feelings.
LeeP
PS (this seemed like a good time to start a new thread.) Here are links to my previous threads:
How in the world could you not have mixed feelings! I'd be worried about you if you didn't. I'd think the challenge would be sitting back as calmly as possible and allowing yourself to have them, knowing that you are going to be OK no matter what. You are an inspiration.
Hi Lee! It is funny how the dynamics shift around when you can finally "let go". Throws things off-balance a bit. Keep yourself centered like you are, and don't make any sudden moves back in his direction. Enjoy this time for YOU! You deserve it.
The mixed feelings seem to be VERY normal, this is the time when you can think clearer on whether you really want him back vs. needing to have him back. You have a clearer focus on what you want and what you deserve. You have more wisdom and strength now than you had the other 2 times. As you said, he and everyone else can see it. You are a powerful magnet, baby, draw good things into your life!!
[ October 09, 2001: Message edited by: Jamesjohn ]
JJ
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Thanks for reminding me it's ok to be human It's a funny thing- I have always understood and accepted the fact that my H would feel varying degress of ambivelance about reconciling but I never for a minute allowed myself to fee any! There are those pesky expectations again
I am using this time to really let the world do its "thing". There is no rush (for a change) to know what it going to happen. It feels VERY good to say that and mean it.
Chelsea- I had to laugh, because since I just read ALL your posts a week or so ago, I was already thinking about that fact that you could have written the same thing!
Lee, I think it is normal to have mixed feelings. I certainly had them. There were days where I was ready to dial my attorney. Those days are gone and it is getting better with time.
I haven't been to the board much lately, but I wanted to catch up with you guys and give an update.
It’s been 3 weeks now since H stated his intention to get back together again. I say it that way to remind myself that we might stay in the "intention" mode for a while.
We have been spending only a little time together, and not actively working on anything - in other words doing nothing overwhelmingly different, which is good. I am very happy to move slowly this time, for me, too.
He is still entangled with OW- She’s pressuring him a lot to make the moves he said he would make away from me. It's like he was moving quite fast in one direction and has to slow that down, rather than stop and just reverse course. There's some "saving face" for him, some big feelings to resolve, but he isn't going through a huge depression this time that I can see. More of a quiet, but still painful resolve. You know what I do see in him sometimes? Relief. He tells me a lot how much he appreciates my patience and caring to let him do this his way and in fact that my not adding to the pressure is what is making this possible for us.
There are big differences in both of us - me especially. I don’t panic if I haven’t heard from him in a while (still get a bit resentful, but I deal with it), I don’t jump at his invitations to get together. I have even had to say no if I have other plans, he is glad that I do that- now he plans ahead more!) Sometimes I do get scared he’ll back out again, but because I don’t make a big deal out of that, he reassures me because he wants to, not because he HAS to. And I appreciate his efforts without hanging on to every word.
I still have a healthy detachment to the point that I have to “psyche” myself up to see him sometimes, to really put effort in, which is a secret ingredient to “what works” right now, I think.
Quietly creeping forward. Hope I don't jinx it by saying that
WOW!!! I want what you have. Our marriage is together but I can tell that in several important ways you are ahead of me individually. I'm starting to understand, though I thought I understood for years, how being strong in one's self is critical to a healthy marriage. Wish I could say that in a way that didn't sound like DUH...where have you been????...
I especially like what you said about not needing reassurance. That is something I want to learn. My H and I didn't split up after I found out about his affair and to tell the truth, I think both of us deny our needs, limits, and goals to the extent that our relationship is less genuine than it could be. I got to where I hardly had any goals of my own, I was accomodating his goals so much.
Sometimes I worry that if I really made a policy of backing off, my H might never step forward and we'd just be cut a drift from each other. On the other hand, if I don't back off, I'll be doing all the relationship work forever and probably never feel loved myself. What do you think experts?
You and the others here are inspiring. I never thought I'd be here, but my W agreed to try to reconcile 25 days ago. We've had 2 therapy session, third one tomorrow. She's said she's ended her affair. Oh, and she never left. We've never been separated, but she came within inches of filing.
The 25 days have been torture for me, and reading what you say, and what others say is truly helping me understand and accept the agony of how slowly time moves. What I'm beginning to realize is that the place I'm in now is one that is no longer deteriorating, but rather, basing. As in it takes a long time to stop and turn a large ship. She's no longer steaming full speed toward a divorce, and some time is required to stop that trend and reverse course. Your personal resolve, sense of place, and peace is what I will strive for.
Thanks for your comments. I may have found a new home...
Zebra, Then start your own thread. Been wondering when you would wander over.
ALTL, It's called burnout. If he does not pick up his end of the R eventually, you may find something or someone else who will. I'm not so sure you always have to be workin on something new. I so happen to like being a dad and an H. Always did. I do accept full responsibility for taking care of me now. I think that is a big change.
