Me2, Please re-read my post to you from 5/30. Ignore the proposal and read the rest of it. I really think it applies. C sessions won't help your H if he ain't ready open up. You can't force it to happen.
You gotta decide if you can go forward with the M the way it is. There are no more promises that could be made that will mean anything to you. Time can heal if we allow it to. Not sure how we can heal if we keep rubbing our own face and our spouses face in the past or in our/their shortcomings.
You may wish to start some C sessions of your own. It may help releive some of the pain.
Your H will probably never become that perfect communicator that you so desire. What about his positive traits. Do they outweigh the negative? I do not have the perfect R either. W can't give me all the things I want. At this point in my life I am beginning to realize that she is not suppose to give me everything. My expectations were a bit high. Lowering those expectations has not been easy. I'm still working on it.
(from Kent's post): ********************************************* You and I are anxious cus we are already waiting on the other side. Our spouses are still a bit confused. You and I know what we want and get frustrated that our S's can't return it. *********************************************
And Me2, I'm sorry about your H going away on your birthday, when is it? Mine (my 29th) is coming too (July 1st, which is Canada Day here)and it's been causing me some heartache also. Our anniverary and H's Bday are right after it, too. Trying not to think about it negatively... We'll keep each other's PMA's up, shall we??
Thanks everyone...AND as usual you are right, and I know it!
As far as the C goes, I was probably not AS ready as my H, but I feel that my issues were well laid out, expressed and talked about (ad nauseaum) (spelling?).
I had started with this C back in Feb of 2000 (went every few weeks from Feb through May) when I found out about H talking to OW on computer - he lied and said it was all just 'talk' - no romance at all. I had more or less made my peace with it although I still had doubts and could not shake the gut feeling that H HAD in fact cheated on me. H came home (from working overseas) in July, we talked a few times and he maintained the lie. I found out the whole truth in Nov and we started up again with C, at his request, in Dec. I am wondering now if it was to simply placate me.(?)
I don't know if he gained all that much from the sessions, perhaps a better understanding of how I feel and what goes on inside my brain-housing group, but as far as self-realization for him? Didn't happen - at least I didn't see it. (course, then again...WOULD I see it?)
I talked once with C for the first 10 or so minutes of a session that H was late to, and she thought he was still holding back too. I asked if maybe she thought he should come by himself at some point...she said 'probably-but it would be up to him'. I mentioned it later and he was pretty non-committal (big surprise) and just said "I don't know".
I don't think I have anything more to gain from counseling. I know what I need to do, have the patience and personal strength to wait for my H. Like Kent said, I cannot push him....and I cannot do it for him, or I would. (would have been done months ago).
It's so hard to deal with such a classic procrastinator/avoider...for example - he has a family history of high cholesterol, grandparents on both sides died from heart disease, dad has had 3 bypass operations and at least 4 angioplasty procedures, mom has recently had both carotid arteries roto-rootered, brother has been on cholesterol medication for 5+ years...H was put on it in Dec of 99, not for it being too high (he's always been in good shape) but the ratio of LDL to HDL was REALLY bad.
He still has at least 15 of the initial 30 pills they gave him. I cannot get it through his dam thick skull what an idiot he is being about this. He refuses to go to doc about it. Also had back surgery in 98, and now has degenerative joint disease in his back which he has gotten steroid injections for - helped a great deal, but have worn off and need to be done again...he's in pain all the time, yet that appointment is too yet to be made. (FYI I have LONG since quit bugging him about all of this, except for the occasional dead-on-stare at the TV during one of those 'I have high cholesterol and my Dr. put me on meds' ads on TV...to which he laughs and replies, 'I know, I know...you don't have to say it' - but still no action).
I know what he's doing; self 'mutilation' or at the least self deprecation because of his guilt.
I really do not understand this man.
More issues with his parents (MILFH)...still thinking about this one...will lay that all in another post.
thanks for the boost guys...and I'm thinking of a new way to go with this...thinking of a(nother) 180...but gonna give it some more thought...
L
p.s. to answer your ? Kent;
"Your H will probably never become that perfect communicator that you so desire. What about his positive traits. Do they outweigh the negative?"
I realize he will never be as "talky" as me, and that's not a bad thing....but I would like him to be honest with himself and stop shutting me out. I know I can facilitate this by working more on me. For now, the positives DO outweigh the negatives, and I still love him - very much. This is the man I want to grow old with. My feelings in that regard have not changed.
[This message has been edited by Me2 (edited 06-19-2001).]
ME2-Hi! This is the first time I've read your posts. I kinda know what he is going thru as I think you know why. The "I don't know"answer. Well in some cases it may be true. It is hard for him to deal with, between guilt and shame, which I've found to be from a strong pride. That is one of his biggest stumbling blocks right now. When he can get past that, he will be able to start to open up. He is confused, scared, and maybe a bit sorrowful. I'm not totally sure of how he is feeling, but that is the way I felt. I would have to say that the "why's" don't always necessarily match what you may be thinking. My W still doesn't believe that the OW were just an excuse. And truely, they were. Men do have a hard time with explaining their feelings. I've read lots and lots and are being able to fully articulate how I feel. I think that if you hear the "why's", that you may want to know more than that because it may not match your perceived notions as to what they were. He may or more like was afraid to show you affection when you felt you needed it. Looking back on it, if that situation had happened with me at the time, I would have probably reacted in the same way. I am still finding out things my W has not told me of situations where she felt she needed my support, but was not getting it. I wasn't aware. Had I known or had she said something, it might have been different. My W tried real hard, and when she pushed, I ran. I look back now and see how stupid it is, but that is how we react. With your continued support, he will come around. It may take some time. It took me almost 7 months..........a little too late, but I'm not giving up. You have a love that is one of your greatest allies. He could be afraid that you will be hurt and not want to be with him or hate him. I've dealt with those feelings too. I get the feeling that you want to know the what was she like, why her, did she make you happier than I do, what was it about her that interested you and so forth. I may be totally wrong. I'm rambling at this point. If there is anything specific you might want to know, that I may shed some light onto feel free to email me. futurasport@hotmail.com. He is confused, I do know that, because that was my answer too. I dont' know. Because at that time I wasn't sure. God Bless you.
