I have also started to do a little of this and like GH's wife my H seems only to TOLERATE it, not really enjoy it. I guess he has to face his own demons, i.e. feelings that he most likely still has for the OW as well as the guilt for hurting me. But, on the other hand - how long do I wait? It hurts to go to kiss someone only to have them turn and give you the cheek every time. Not being intimate for long periods of time is what led my H to having an A
GH and Mama--this is so tough, I understand, especially if the flame was out long ago. H and I were definately more affectionate in our initial years, pre-M, but who isn't, right? We were affectionate through M....but after the bomb dropped, it stopped from H and I got the cheek all the time, and he NEVER initiated.
Then, after OW was out of the picture AND he started turning back around toward me, his affections started slowly. The last few weeks, it's been great, lots of initiation by him (still not like before)....but, he had a lot of guilt on his shoulders and also, frankly, things ARE awkward (well, my sitch has taken a drastic turn).
I had this rule: reach out with affection ONLY if you're not expecting anything. Be consistent with your efforts--not hot/cold. Know when not to push...ex: reach out only when they are not 'trapped' or can't move away, and when you can't act casual and normal about it. Ex: I stopped the cuddles in bed (b/c if H was uncomfortable, he could not get out, and I could not be casual....maybe did a small rub on back instead that was like a pat that I ended in 2 seconds)....but, I did the quick pats/hugs as we brushed by, which were quick and over. You move on and don't dwell on it. Make it normal.
This is so tough. We also have to realize that what prevents THEM from responding is a lot of walls they have up now....so no matter what WE do, it may not make a difference unless they're ready to accept. Still try, in non-threatening ways.
GH--I agree with you...stop before it even LOOKS like it leads to something else. Like, a hug as you're passing by and walk away after, with a smile. Again, the words are important too, esp. for women, it means very much like intimacy.
I think the most important thing with our WAS at this point is that anything we do, WE act comfortable. If not, it seems pressuring, and like you're making a point of the whole issue.
Always, once again thanks for your words of wisdom. I would NEVER want to pressure someone into anything that they were uncomfortable doing. It would end up being a very unsatisfying experience for both parties. I have learned not to expect anything (although I do shave my legs EVERY day, just in case - a girl scout must always be prepared - lol) Anyway, I cannot control the sitch right now therefore I am just being me, I will continue to give hugs and kisses and if I just get the cheek in return, that is the way it is. No biggie, the rest of my life is going really good right now, I am trying not to be so wrapped up in the lack of intimacy thing. (It didn't seem to bother me before the bomb - lol) Anyway, thanks again for the advice.
Sorry Mama for this little hijack but I think your sitch is very similar so it may apply to you as well...
Always, I think I do all of what you say. I tell W she looks good, hot, whatever. I mix it up. I DON'T say it all the time as to look like I am trying to get somewhere. I touch her in casual ways, and except for a few isolated incidents, I don't do it what it is clearly leading to something else.
The problem is that it seems like we are just on totally different pages. It seems like my "stuff" doesn't even register on her radar. It's like I'm sexually invisible to her. I can't even imagine her looking at me with anything other than that "friendly" smile. She just doesn't see me that way, even after I got in shape, clearly changed my overall attitude, initiated "touching" in a way that I THINK communicates my affection and countless other things that I KNOW were missing for our entire marriage.
COULD she just be taking a long time to come around, to trust all this? Sure, but as Mama says, how long do I wait...before talking to her...before thinking I need to maybe consider moving on myself.
I want more than this, as I keep saying, and I think I am doing what I need to do to have it. I know I can't control W and I don't want to. I know I need to be more assertive and more passionate but it's really hard to do that to a cold brick wall.
I am REALLY just venting but this hurts. I WILL keep plugging away but sometimes I get tired and lately it's been hard to keep things moving.
Again, sorry Mama. For some reason this came out better on your thread than mine.
Feel free to reply to this on my thread Always or anyone else.
GH, I'm tired too! And by the way, hijack all you want, I'm honored to have you here.
Anyway, I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of being suspicious, I'm tired of not trusting, I'm tired of ACTing like everything is ok, I'm tired of trying not to think of H and OW, I'm tired of not just yelling and screaming and beating the crap out of H and telling him to get the heck out of here!!!!
But......wait.......I want my marriage to work.......I want to stay married to my children's father........I've been married and divorced before, there will always be problems, maybe different ones, but always problems. We are not perfect. We need to work to make the best of our situations, none of us are at the point of ending it. Some days we might feel like it, but come on, be real - we DO NOT want our marriages to be over. I know, we cannot force our spouses to love us, but they are still here - so make the best of a bad situation. Just be happy!!!
Hey, did I hijack GH's soapbox? Kane, are you out there? I don't know how old you are, but my Dad made us watch Kung Fu when we were little and I am assuming that is where your name came from, am I correct?
Anyway, I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of being suspicious, I'm tired of not trusting, I'm tired of ACTing like everything is ok, I'm tired of trying not to think of H and OW, I'm tired of not just yelling and screaming and beating the crap out of H and telling him to get the heck out of here!!!!
Amen. I'll share that rant with you if you don't mind...and the subsequent rediret...
Quote: But......wait.......I want my marriage to work.......I want to stay married to my children's father........I've been married and divorced before, there will always be problems, maybe different ones, but always problems. We are not perfect. We need to work to make the best of our situations, none of us are at the point of ending it. Some days we might feel like it, but come on, be real - we DO NOT want our marriages to be over. I know, we cannot force our spouses to love us, but they are still here - so make the best of a bad situation. Just be happy!!!
Yepers, you got it but I will NEVER like that song...be happy...don't worry...
Quote: Hey, did I hijack GH's soapbox? Kane, are you out there? I don't know how old you are, but my Dad made us watch Kung Fu when we were little and I am assuming that is where your name came from, am I correct?
I am 35...or is that 36 now...anyway, I watched the show. I got the burns on my forearms to prove it, lol. And, yes, that's where the name came from. Funny, I loved Kung-fu movies as a kid but never really liked that show. Don't know why. I did watch my fair share of it though. It was "one of those shows" that kinda permeated pop culture back then.
I traded in my minivan for a mustang conv. Monday. H took it to work yesterday and today. Came home later than usual last night and has not answered his cell all afternoon today - SO...I'm assuming that since it is sunny and 80 here, him and the OW are off driving around in MY car having fun!!!!!
I'm trying not to react to my emotions but..... anyway, while driving today I heard an old REO Speedwagon song - Time for me to fly; here are some words:
"You said we'd work it out, you said that you had no doubt, that deep down we were really in love.
But I'm tired of olding on, to a feeling I know is gone, I do believe that I've had enough.
I've had enough of the falsness of a worn out relation, enough of the jealousy and the intoleration, oh I make you laugh, but you make me cry.... I believe it's time for me to fly
Time for me to fly, I've got to set myself free. Time for me to fly, cause thats just how its got to be, I know it hurts to say goodbye, but it's time for me to fly...."
Can anyone relate to this song? Some days I sure can, like right this minute - ugggg.
If you're still torn about leaving or staying, it's time to still try.
Keep hanging in there. The 'talk' that you and H had about sex issues was a HUGE step in the right direction, real progress from months where he said the only reason he was staying was for the kids.
Mama, Yes, if I were you I would be fuming as well, and it doesn't help to hear a song that describes yor feelings at the moment. always 14 is right, though, if you are undecided, then it is best to make no decision...Maybe he will come home and have a perfectly reasonable explanation...but I don't think it would be unfair for you to tell him this upsets you, it's YOUR new car!!
He still isn't home, checked online banking and he took out cash and made a purchase at a liquor store. Oh, they must be having a great afternoon together. Meanwhile here I am, the good little wife taking care of the kids, driving them back and forth to their friends house, cleaning, doing laundry, etc. I WILL confront him when he gets home. I know I shouldn't make a hasty decision when I'm angry, but I am really done this time.
