Question: If the reason for the A was our lack of a sex life (kids, self-esteem, bad timing, too tired, etc.) how do I change this? We have not been intimate in 7 months. H gets up at 3:30 a.m. to go to work, therefore he goes to bed super early (lots of times while kids are still up). Do I talk to him about this? It seems like there is never a good time. Do I get up at 3:30 and initiate? I feel like I need to talk to him about this but I don't want to come off as pursuing.
Hi Mama, I suspect that the reason for the A wasn't entirely the lack of sex life, but making time for sex and intimacy is important. I do not know exactly where you and your H are in your sitch in terms of "readiness" to be together, but surely you will need to have a talk about spending quality time together (without the kids!) at some point to help things along. Harley recommends 12 hours a week of dedicated time with your spouse in a HEALTHY marriage (just the two of you - no kids, no one else), 20 - 25 if the M is unhealthy and needs help. So first you might need to look to see what changes you could make in your life and schedule, to make quality alone time with your H available. Then I imagine some acknowledgement (again) that you'd like to open this door with him - what would he need to be comfortable and open to it?
Lack of sex was a problem which led to my H's affair also (although I am clear it was not the only reason). A big factor that I see was a lack of privacy. Our home (in the midst of remodeling) needs curtains and we didn't want to get new window coverings until the new windows were put in. Also the dog and the cat traipsing through our bedroom. Then our intense work schedules, etc. Family coming on the weekends, and our place is small without real doors on the bedroom... So, we ended up ML when we travelled and stayed in hotels. Wasn't often enough, I can tell you that! I realize now that you need to make your home a refuge for your man. Create sacred space for you and him to be together, and keep intruders out of your partnership space and time. I realize I am a long way off from that at this point, but I am actively working on recreating my home space to be welcoming to ML It gives me something to do, and a hopeful goal. Also, setting boundaries around "my" time which is new for me. Doing that, Mama, will also allow you to know how to set boundaries around your couples time. For example, maybe the kids need to be in their own rooms or in bed by 8pm each night so you can have an hour in bed to cuddle with your man before he needs to sleep. Just some thoughts. I just know for me, creating the space and environment that welcomes romance can open it up.
I am with you mama! I want you to be successful! and I will be waiting for the day you said you "did it" and it was great
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Well, last I remember, you were about to pull a maneuver with the shower? Then got sidetracked with him coming home late. How about approaching that again. It's a nice "start" to things again. You're not just jumping back into things.
Keep in mind it's more than just starting to have sex again. He said he feels that you're not attracted to him (not "into" him). You feel poor about body image, etc. So, take small steps toward that goal--Comfortable. Be good to you and him.
I like the shower idea. Nothing even has to 'happen' in with the shower....even just jumping in, talking, and being together naked is a HUGE start and HUGE breaking of comfort levels. Don't get disappointed, or have high expectations. it's hard for both of you. Just set low goals....get just a little comfortable and intimate, have a good time and relax. The last thing you want to do is be uptight and make him feel that way.
Why not be creative about timing instead of making it a "talk" that kinda takes the fun out. Just start with little steps and the rest will come. Heck, you did it before, it's not like it's something that's new for either of you! Remember that. Relax and enjoy!
Thanks all. I think I will do a little of both - make our bedroom into more of a relaxing, romantic retreat AND instead of talking about improving our love life just taking a leap of faith and DOING something, such as the shower thing.
Thanks for checking on me. I have been GAL. Kids are now out of school, been doing things with friends as well as H and kids. I was becoming too addicted to the computer. Tried getting a little intimate over the weekend, H didn't seem too interested, I asked him what was up, he said he felt a little uncomfortable and to give it a little more time - WHATEVER!! It seems like the more I try to fix something, the worse it gets so I left it at that, no more pressure from this girl.
Thanks again for checking on me, will update if anything BIG happens.
You know we are two peas in the same pod with this intimacy stuff. I am *this* close to having what will likely be a bad R talk because she still seems really reluctant to move forward AT ALL from this stagnant place she is at. Like you, I just can't seem to figure out just what more time is going to do for W. She doesn't seem to be DOING anything to "improve" the situation and seems to have also settled back into the same routine that got us where we are in the first place.
The only good news is that I can take solace in the fact that I am changed and because of that, our R CANNOT be the same as it was before. My 50% is different now, if not all good, and so I am still counting on that to eventually bring her around.
I AM seriously contemplating a R talk but like what happened with your H, I will likely just be told to wait some more...hmmmmm...more waiting, just what I want...or not.
Hang in there and just decide not to pursue anymore. I am about at that point, even though I think my lack of passion and "pursiut" of the GOOD variety (as opposed to the "me want sex", cave-man variety) was a reason things deteriorated. I am thinking that I tell her why I am pulling back (just so she doesn't think it's more of the same) and then go "dark" at least in the sense of NO physical contact.
I have NO freaking clue if that will work, but it IS different and that's what we're all about here, right? It's about being "different" than we were before.
On the other hand, there is the option to just wait...and wait...and wait. For now...I wait. Tomorrow I will decide what to do the next day.
Mama and GH....the only thing I can think of for both of you is to use the same tactics that work for each of us here, whatever our barrier issues are. Take small steps toward the goal. No doubt you're doing this already.
By that I mean, sometimes, without even knowing, we stop a lot of forms of physical contact, not just things we normally associate with sex. Start these again. Ex: a pat on the shoulder when you're in close proximity or laugh together. A touch/sqeeze of the hand. Touching/cuddling in bed. Brushing of hair with hands, touching the face. Laying your head in their lap, leaning against them while watching TV. Little things.
Then, move to the moves that are more intimate that are not leading to sex (GH, this is big for you, since W complained about this....ALSO, you did this once and had GREAT results....be patient and keep it up...build the foundation solid). Little kisses. Hugs from behind. Holding hands. Massages. You get it. Keep this up for a while, make it normal. Even if they don't initiate, you keep it up and see how they become much more comfortable. Do it in a way that you make it clear that it does NOT have to lead to sex (so back off before they do).
Right now, both your partners know that sex is the 'issue.' at hand, esp. They're also feeling badly that it's hard with you, but they found OP to satisfy these needs. It's hard to turn it on without feeling fake or contrived. Add to that their guilt over the A. So, again, it's up to YOU to let YOUR guard down and do the work.
GH....speaking personally, it's nice when my H makes eye contact, tells me I'm pretty (sincerely), and looks me up and down and compliments my clothes, jewelry, etc. I know you do this, but keep it up.
By that I mean, sometimes, without even knowing, we stop a lot of forms of physical contact, not just things we normally associate with sex. Start these again. Ex: a pat on the shoulder when you're in close proximity or laugh together. A touch/sqeeze of the hand. Touching/cuddling in bed. Brushing of hair with hands, touching the face. Laying your head in their lap, leaning against them while watching TV. Little things.
I started doing all of this pretty long ago (in terms of my sitch). Really, I have been doing these things from the time my stich would permit it and still, there is NO change in her. To be honest, if she DID change, i.e. give ME some affection in a physical way, not only would that be a 180 in terms of the current sitch, but in terms of our marriage as well. In that way, I understand I am fighting a difficult battle that extends deep into our history.
Quote: Little kisses. Hugs from behind. Holding hands. Massages. You get it. Keep this up for a while, make it normal. Even if they don't initiate, you keep it up and see how they become much more comfortable. Do it in a way that you make it clear that it does NOT have to lead to sex (so back off before they do).
Ok, again, I do all this and the best I can say is that she seems to tolerate it, SOMETIMES, very SOMETIMES, she actually seems to like it. Actually, the massage part she always likes but that's a given for my W.
What I like is your part where I stop before it looking like it leads to sex. OT and I have butted heads over this (sorta) in the past but I DO feel like my W is leary of intimacy because it ALWAYS had to lead to sex in the past, and not that she didn't like sex but she didn't like that I ONLY inititated intimacy to "get some". I think I need to be MUCH more aware of that boundary and stop short of it.
I think I have been remis in NOT doing that, pushing things a bit when I should have used restraint. Who knows.
It gives me something to do, and a hopeful goal. Also, setting boundaries around "my" time which is new for me. Doing that, Mama, will also allow you to know how to set boundaries around your couples time. For example, maybe the kids need to be in their own rooms or in bed by 8pm each night so you can have an hour in bed to cuddle with your man before he needs to sleep. Just some thoughts. I just know for me, creating the space and environment that welcomes romance can open it up. 
