This morning, I called repeatedly to contact my D5 before she went to K. Finally, my W called back to say the "we" overslept. I responded with that's OK, I am glad everyone is fine and that's all it was.
My W then proceeds to tell me that she and her GF are thinking they want to be friends again. This is the same GF that she had a HUGE blowup with about 6-8 months ago. Here is the background. We lived next door to a couple who have a D5 who is 2 days older than my D5. This couple raises their child in a way that both my W and I do not agree with. Their child is nasty and whiny. Plus she uses her earsplitting scream to get her way often. Anyway, we were watching this little girl and she started acting up and would not calm down even after repeated attempts by both my W and I to calm and reassure her. Finally, I went to my W and told her to call the mother of the child and pick her up. My wife felt bad about calling the mother of the child to pick her up.
The mother showed up and "rewarded" her childs unruly behavior with a promise of shopping. She rewarded us by telling us that we were neglecting her child and then left abruptly w/ saying bye.
A few days later my W was playing in her Bunco group and this neighbor was there and the two of them go into it with my W telling the neighbor if she didn't move my W would kick her A. Not nice. Anyway, that ended the friendship, for then.
Fast forward to today. I get the call about she and the ex-neighbor wanting to be friends again. My W then asks me if it would be OK to get the girls together to play. I said absolutely not. I have already told you that our D is 5 and that I am her father, not her friend. I will make decisions that I deem best for her. I also told my W, if you want to "throw yourself under the bus" by rekindling this messed up "friendship" that is your business. YOU are an adult. I will not condone you throwing our child under the same bus with you.
I proceeded by telling her that your sister will tell you NOW that she raised herself and is still pissed about that fact today. I also told her that YOU have always told me if you are acting in a way that YOUR mother did (according to my W) that I should let her know. I told her, you ARE acting like your mom.
I followed that up with, if you are tired of being a parent and doing what is right and in the best interests of our children, let me know. I told her that I will NEVER tire of being a parent and keeping their best interests at heart. My W insisted she is NOT tired of parenting. I told her, I don't want to hear that my wishes are disregarded or undermined.
My wife said she had NEVER done that. I told her I vividly remembered an INCIDENT when she was looking to me for approval for an action that I wholeheartedly was against. I told my W that she basically said F you! and figuratively put her hand up in my face denoting that she would do what she wants when she wants and went out and did it anyway. She was accompanied by her "Marriage Cancer" good friend.
Talk about disrespect to your S. THAT incident was last summer, b4 we conceived our S. Nice! <--HEAVY on the sarcasm. My W responded by saying I only went against you ONCE! It's amazing to me that she even recalls her behavior towards me.
All of this most recent BS about getting our D5 with our ex-neighbors' D5 is after my W had previously asked my to call our ex-naighbor (H) to get our daughters together to play. Mind you, this is during their feud. I told her then, absolutely NOT. I don't want my D impacted by that child's behavior. I also told my W that child's behavior is parents' fault, NOT the child's. My W told me that our D was going to be upset with me and I told my W, I don't care. I am her father, NOT her friend. I'll take her love for me as she grows up over being happy with me because I refuse to provide boundaries, guidance, structure and love. I still don't think my W gets it. She wants to be "buddies" with our children. Big mistake. The will create friendships all their lives. The only get 1 mom and 1 dad.
Well, I gotta run, late for an appointment. Any thoughts would be appreciated, and I didn't get a chance to proofread.
Please don't spectate ONLY too much. I value your input more than you will ever know. You add to my strength and resolve to continue doing what is right in my life, my M and for my children. Thank you.
Well Amy, HERE's a surprise, well, not really a surprise. My W walked into the office with my divorce papers from the arbitrator. Not unexpected, but hurt nonetheless. It was kind of like expecting to get kicked in the nuts and it hurt like hell even though I was expecting it. Oh, well... life goes on. I will be on nurturing myself and my PMA more now than ever.
Now the real DBing efforts begin. I will detach further and continue loving my W from a distance. I have no choice. I do have a question. My W asked me when our D countdown begins: 1) the day the arbitrator turned in the notice to the court clerk or 2) on the day I actually sign the notice and return it. I live in CA and don't know the answer, but would like to know. If anyone knows, please let me know. Thank you.
My W is having a real rough time with her GF of 15 years. This GF is someone she met in rehab and, from what I see, is even more narcissistic than my W. My W has always bent over backwards to accomodate this GF, without question or hesitation. Over the past three years their relationship has seriously deteriorated and distanced.
Anyway, my W went to her GF's 30th Bday party last Sat evening (with one of her new BF's, mind you) and her GF was cold and distant. I don't know why, but it makes me think, hmmm......... My W told me she (my W) asked for her work clothes back (from her GF) and was brushed off and treated coldly and rudely. I told my wife my philosophy, which is that you are clearly getting something from the relationship even though you are treated badly because you keep going back for more. I told her that this is definitely something to look inside about; not enforcing boundaries with her GF (nor our ex-neighbor, for that matter).
Regardless, at least for now none of this should matter to me this much. Heck, I was served today!! Ugh. NOW that is a narcissistic person (my W) being doted on/cared for/worried about by a co-dependent (yes, ME d*mnit). Ugh, again. Oh, well, life happens.
Right now my brain is scattered. I am having trouble focusing on anything except the mess of my M and our children. God bless my children! But, I do know ALL will be better in my head tomorrow since it will be a new day and I will focus on redoubling my DB efforts, nurturing myself and my PMA.
When I am hit by a Mack truck, like I was today, I go to my book of quotes to re-charge my mental energy and pump my PMA back up. This evening I referred myself to SIR ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE
Quote: When the impossible has been eliminated, whatever remains, no matter how improbable...is possible.
Saving my M and rebuilding OR though improbable, is certainly quite POSSIBLE through maintaining my proper attitude! Another quote, from NORMAN VINCENT PEALE-
Quote: Any fact facing us is not as important as our attitude toward it, for that determines our sucess or failure.
I intend on being triumphant despite my currentl trials and tribulations! I am strong, I have stamina, I will persevere.
I thought, perhaps, that I may have spoken improperly with my W when she was telling about her ill feelings towards her GF. Our previous phone conversation ended suddenly and I thought immediately, "Uh, oh!" I truly thought I had stood on my soap box and offended her when all she maybe wanted was a sounding board.
I tried unsuccessfully to contact her and finally reached her about 2 minutes ago. She immediately told me they were running behind and that she would have D5 call me soon after the bedtime ritual was completed. I asked her to give me 1 minute b/c I left her a msg and wanted to actually say something directly to her. She granted me that minute and I told her that I felt I may have soapboxed her when she may have been only been looking for a sounding board.
I told her that if I offended her or stepped on her toes that that was not my intention. I said I was sorry if that was the case. She said, "No, no. You actually validated my feelings and I really appreciated it. Thank you."
Hurray! All that turmoil I put myself thru for nothing...well, coulda been something but wasn't. I still don't know about the how the phone call ended so suddenly, but it was probably just her battery running out of juice. Who know? Who cares? A happy moment on a not so happy day.
It's nice to know that despite the fact that we are on the path she has chosen, she still feels comfortable enough with me to seek my opinion, to get my counsel, to listen to my "take." I'll take THAT fact as a positive. See, already working on my PMA. Gotta pump it up when I can, right?
Well, back to reality. I gotta get an answer to my question regarding the mediator's work and when my D stopwatch begins or began. Doesn't really matter, though. I am "on the clock" regardless, am I not? As I previously said, NOW the real DB work begins.
We have entered round 1. No more wondering about being served. I'm fit. I'm strong. My PMA is primed and pumped up. This is a marathon, not a sprint! My attitude, belief, faith, opportunism, love and vision will see me through to victory in reconciling and rebuilding my M. Go, fight, win!
OPPORTUNITY
Quote: Opportunity.... Often it comes disguised in the form of misfortune, or temporary defeat. -NAPOLEON HILL
This defeat is temporary. I always liked the war quote, "We may have lost this battle, but we will win the war." I am in a battle with the devil to win back my W, my M and to preserve and protect my family.
or
Quote: In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity-ALBERT EINSTEIN
He was brilliant. I choose to listen to him! My life has NEVER had more difficulty, yet I focus on the opportunity to seize my life, my W, my destiny, and my family.
or
Quote: Don't wait for extraordinary opportunities. Seize common occasions and make them great...weak men wait for opportunities; strong men make them. -ORISON SWETT MARDEN
I am a strong man. My mission/opportunity in life is to beat the D clock to rebuild my M, to win back my W, to preserve and protect my family. My vision is clear, I will make the most of the opportunity I have to strengthen myself and change myself into the man God intended me to be all along.
VISION
Quote: Nothing happens unless first a dream. -Carl Sandburg
I dream of a fulfilling, loving, nurturing, God-centered M and family.
or
Quote: Think little goals and expect little achievements. Think big goals and win big success. -DAVID JOSEPH SCHWARTZ
My goals are HUGE! I will have HUGE successes!
or
Quote: Vision.... It reaches beyond the thing that is, into the conception of what can be. Imagination gives you the picture. Vision gives you the impulse to make the picture your own. -ROBERT COLLIER
My vision of greatness for myself, my M, my W, and my family is crystal clear.
Just was reading up on your situation and wanted to say you seem to be on the right path from what I have been able to read thus far. U understand about brain feeling scrambled and how hard these things are on the kids.
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