Feel a bit like I'm caught in a web without DB tools and I don't know how to get them back.
H got home yesterday, didn't end it with ow (chickened out, basically) but still insists he wants to be with me - he's stressed about how to do it and the intense stuff he's going through around this.
So I backslid obviously, talked OR again. We were having a great tmie together and then he started with the lightbulb moments: "I've been a jackass, I want to be with you, i shouldn't be worrying about how to end it, I should just do it" etc...
And I feel I'm cracking. HE seems sure he wants to be with me, then why doesn't he just do it? I know I have to detach. I know I have to avoid OR talks. It's like we've moved into a tough stage where htings are too intense to just be friends until this noose is off our necks. (ow).
H got home yesterday, didn't end it with ow (chickened out, basically) but still insists he wants to be with me - he's stressed about how to do it and the intense stuff he's going through around this.
First, I agree with the others - worry about what you can control - your actions. You can't control your H - not directly. He is struggling Lee and the more supportive you are of him, the better. And being supportive is means not adding more pressure.
So I backslid obviously, talked OR again.[/QUOTE]
Don't be so hard on yourself for having an OR talk. I still don't get why everyone here is programmed to think OR's are taboo! Again, it's not what is said, it's how it is said. You said he started with 'lightbulb' moments? Well, then he started the OR, right. Maybe he needs to talk. Just be careful how you respond.
Lee, you say he seems to want to be with you. If you feel it, then let that be comfort to you. You've done things to jolt him (the flowers, etc) and that is good. You've done good! Pat yourself on the back. I myself won't play games but if it works for others, then fine. It's what each one of us can live with.
HE seems sure he wants to be with me, then why doesn't he just do it? [/QUOTE]
Who knows...he is scared? He is confused? Wanting it and being ready to live it might be two separate things. Like the smoker who wnats to quit smoking but doesn't have all the willpower yet. I don't know - just a guess. At least he is trying so it sounds like that will have to do for now. Question is not him but you - how you will handle this. Do you have the patience?
Best of luck Lee. You seem to want him and haven't withdrawn from him. That is good.
Thanks K. I needed to hear that common sense, feel like I'm in a pressure cooker and it's nobody's fault but my own. You pin pointed it- I have to work on patience. I need lots of it right now.
the OR talks- He does start most of them, and they're not usually bad (just more intense lately because of his intense feelings right now)- I want to be more aware of HOW we have them, how they start, end, and whether they need to be cut off sometimes. And to make sure I am not REACTing like I used to. I need to gauge this by his level of tolerance and my level of self-discipline.
I guess I keep looking for shortcuts in this process, but there aren't any. The longer path will hopefully be the successful one. Yes, I very much want a second chance for us, I think we both see that there is a lot of good still there, and a lot of potential. That is what I want to focus on.
PS - I wish there was a way to support my H right now and be his friend, and also be able to ask him NOT to bring ow to our house this weekend...But then, she's been there before, why should I care now?
Lee- could you just tell your H that if he feels the need to discuss OW with you then you need to be prepared - so schedule the talks. But if you feel it's too fresh still, can't you tell him that you are not ready yet to be discussing OW. Just an idea - if your H really feels the need to talk, and you aren't in the right frame of mind to listen, ask him to write it in a journal or even on Microsoft Word - and have him password protect it so nobody can read it but him. If it's a question of him needing to get things out, it just might spare your heart a little if he journals to himself instead.
-K
Lee- did you mean that literally? H is bringing OW to house this weekend?
[This message has been edited by Wintergirl (edited 05-24-2001).]
My H likes to talk OR, but he is quite respectful of me when it comes to talking about ow. It tends to work that we talk AROUND the subject of ow for a while and every now and then one of us gingerly tests the water- I ask a question or he offers something. I don't find that I have trouble talking about her, in fact I wish I knew more. I know there will be things I need to know and things I don't WANT to know.
We're pretty much waiting until after he breaks up with her for good and we start working on us for real to talk about it in detail.
Yes, this weekend he might be bringing her to our house. I haven't been living there for 5 months, but it still hurts me to think of her there. They are actually supposed to go away (been planned for a long time) so I doubt they will be there much.
I am going out of town, too- on a girls' road trip to see U2 (driving 11 hours), so hopefully I won't be thinking of it too much. (not possible )
Lee - I hate to play the devil's advocate here, but I must. Is it time to set some boundaries? What does he REALLY want? What do YOU really want?
H got home yesterday, didn't end it with ow (chickened out, basically) but still insists he wants to be with me - he's stressed about how to do it and the intense stuff he's going through around this.
When I went through a similar situation, I didn't give an ultimatum, but set a boundary. "W, I love you and I want our marriage to work. As long as you're still seeing OM, I can't see that happening. I'll remain being your friend, your BEST friend, and I will be open to discussing our reconciliation when you're ready."
No threats, just setting the boundaries. I then backed-off, detached, and the ball was in her court. It took a bit, but she made her choice. Bold move, but I honestly felt that way, wasn't scared of losing her, because I didn't really HAVE her at the time. It helped get her off the fence without threatening her.
I hesitate suggesting YOU try this, but it is an option. Only YOU will know if this is right for you.
U2 ROCKS!!!! Have a great time!!!
[This message has been edited by Jamesjohn (edited 05-24-2001).]
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
JJ, I did a similar thing but was not as kind. I told W she had to decide what she wanted in life. She could choose her current path or choose to make a life with me. I left no in between options open. I was not ugly about it. I was very tired at the time. One might say I was done. W went out of town for a couple of days and I spent that time obsessing about wether I had done the right thing. It's easy to say that it was right cus she came back choosing the more favorable option. I knew it could have easily went the other way.
I agree with the boundaries thought. You can't let the crisis of a WAS destroy you. Too many resposibilities to allow that to happen.
Kent - It sounds like one thing we had in common was the fact that we were prepared for this to go either way. I was done, too, and could have dealt with her making a different choice then she did. I gave her my blessing to keep seeing OM, I just didn't want him to set foot on my property. Told her that finding out about him was a big turning point for me. That it became clear to me that as much as I WANTED her in my life, I didn't NEED her. That my life was going to be good either with or without her. I felt I had nothing left to lose, and would be alright no matter what she decided. Quite a reality-check for her, shocked her quite a bit, and it gave her some things to think about. The key to doing this, I think, is to honestly be prepared for it to go either way. If it's used as a "reverse psychology" game, it could easily backfire on you.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
What you're saying is a big thing. I know that I have to somehow get to that place where I KNOW I'd be fine either way. I really admire that you both reached that point. I think I do know it deep down but I am nowhere near really being ok with it.
Everytime I get really stressed about whether he will come back for a another try, I do consciously try to make myself let him go all over again and assume that he isn't coming back. (He doesn't see this). I end up going through another layer of grieving when in reality things are moving in a positive direction. Guess I don't know if this is from fear of getting hurt or a healthy thing.
It's getting harder to do because the more he talks about wanting a new start, the more I want it, too.
I have been thinking about what you said, Kent, about boundaries. I may borrow your words next week, when I get back, if he hasn't broken up with her. I get it- not an ultimatum, a boundary.
Thanks guys, this is really helpful. I feel a little at the end of my rope, too. Kind of unfair since success seems so close. The thoughts about ow is really wreaking havoc with my newfound peace. Hopefully U2 will help alleviate that
Thanks,
LeeP
[This message has been edited by LeeP (edited 05-25-2001).]
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