Thanks everyone. I have been thinking about what I'll say today when I bring up the wedding. I'm just gonna keep it very laid back. If it comes up that I'm not seeing og first, I don't want H to think that I'm lonely and pursuing him now. Frankly, I'm sort of enjoying being on my own again. OG and I are still friends, he understands I just have to figure stuff out first, so that's cool.
Last time I was on my own I was in the total grief and freaking out stage, now it's fun. I just do what I want... so far fun anyway .
This has also been affective in giving my attitude a jump start. I'm tired of being the one that has to "do the right thing", "understand everything" and "act like the adult." He's not a kid, he can grow up also and act like an adult, make some scary sacrifices and decisions. That's life. Living in a bubble is not.
I'm still calm and cool about everything, but I just am a bit fed up with his crap... finally! Whew, took a while to get there.
Ok, so we went out to eat over lunch, small talk, nothing major. Pleasant as usual. I casually brought up the wedding, and said hey you want to brave my friend's wedding with me?
He responded with saying he had been wondering about that and if I would ask him (surprising since until C suggested it, I had no intention of asking him). He asked if that would be wierd. I said, what isn't wierd about us. He laughed and then asked if you could think about it. I said sure. I'm amazed he even asked to think about it.
So I'm sort of puzzled now, I really didn't think it would be an option for him. It may be he's too coward to tell me and will tell me no in our joint session next week, but who knows. The other thing I have to figure out is whether he sees himself as just a buddy going with me to a wedding or something more. I don't need a buddy and that's what I'm trying to get through to him.
This will be weird if he actually goes because it's in my hometown and we'll have to face my family and friends. But that is also what I believe the counselor wants to force him to do. If he's there at the bar with people he knows and they ask him "what's up with you and H" he's going to have to finally face it and give an answer. Right now he's avoiding everything. Not a bad idea. We'll see if he actually goes however, I don't think he will have the guts to go through with it.
What do you guys think. I can't figure out how he views us. And if he does go, do I then need to say something about this is only happening if you break it off with OW. What the heck?
I am nervous of giving input, but a few questions came to mind when I read your posts... Do you mind?
I was wondering if you are trying to knock H off the fence on a lot of issues at once. OW... being his friend , wedding, OG, him facing your family and friends... Only you know if you need resolution on all these matters now, because you could be understandably fed up. I am only worried for you that it might be gentler (on YOU, too) if you broke these all up into little events to plan out and "pull the trigger" one by one after H catches up to each? IE, since he brought it up - start with wedding... if he goes, let him face the family then wait and then carry out the detaching plan...
I only worry cause my H seems to "overload" when he's had too much stimuli at once - comments, questions, events, interactions, ANYTHING...And I have not been very good at seeing this happening or conttrolling MY contribution to it (another lightbulb moment)... I hope that doesn't happen for you, unless it is what you want.
Does that make any sense? Feel free (anyone) to tell me if I am wrong.
Thanks, Lee. That in fact makes a lot of sense. I've been sitting here thinking the same thing. If we show up at a wedding together it will have to be as a sort of a united front against the world. So I can't detatch for 3 weeks and then go to a wedding with him.
So at this point I'm thinking I should wait until our joint session next Thursday and see what he says. If he says he'll go then we'll need to discuss what that means.
If he doesn't decide to go that is probably the time to detatch big time. Otherwise, I like you, know I will overwhelm him. I probably put him on the spot a little and maybe he'll use this week to look for a reason not to attend, but I have a feeling he won't tell me until counseling. For me, the question of asking him will at least let us broach whether he sees me as only his friend or as possibly his wife/friend.
I think I'll just chill for now. I'm not going to come on too heavily nor say another word about it again until our session.
If he says he wants to go to wedding and not end things with OW, then that's another subject we need to discuss, he sees me as a friend then. If he goes and just won't tell OW, that's not a solution either. We're still in the bubble. He is much more comfortable talking about our OR when the counselor is with us, so I'm going to let her help with this. She has studied under Michele and understands what I'm trying to do, she also asks him hard questions sometimes.
Any other suggestion, I haven't given up on anything and I'm not trying to give him an ultimatum. I'm just trying to change tactics a little and get him to talk about things with me instead of us both avoiding them.
Glad it helped. This helps me right now, too. I think it's great that you're strategizing so much.
Off topic, a little, have you ever seen OW?
I have met OW in my sitch once a long time ago, but since this has happened, have not met, seen, spoken or communicated with her (She lives 1200 miles away). I have seen pics though (and her family lives here). Today I swore she walked by my office. I paniced something awful! No idea if she is visiting or not... Talk about the fear of God.
I think you're making the same mistake as most women (including me) do.
Here is what you say: "If he says he'll go then we'll need to discuss what that means."
That's why men run away from us so often -- if he says he'll go, it means only one thing: he'll go to the wedding. And that's it. As far as I know, men hate conclusions drawn on such simple facts, and that's why they are afraid to move closer -- because very little move can be interpreted as "meaningful" and later they can be held responsible for it.
If he says he'll go, this means only that you will go together -- don't make any far-going conclusions!
But the trick is: Baby steps are those little achievemnts. When there are enough of them, quantity turns into another quality. You don't need to predict where every next positive step should lead -- just let it happen.
Thanks ILM. You are right, suddenly I got in the mode to get things going in another direction and figure this out. I got frustrated. And I'm sure it's because a part of me was thinking "hey if I have to be an adult and back off with OG than H should too." But we're not in the same stages. I know OG would like me to move to his stage and just get this over with, but he realizes that although I'm ahead of H, I'm not in the same place as him either. Just gets so wearisome.
If he goes, I'll just take it as that. I'll make sure he sees me having a good time and hopefully he'll have a good time too. If he doesn't go, I'll put my "back way off" plan into action. Thanks for the wise advice, I just have to remember to slow down somtimes.
Lee-yes I do know her. She used to come to our house all the time. Funny enough H once told me I intimidated her. I still smile at the thought of that. I really don't think about her or how I could hate her or anything. It's just a waste of energy, she means so little to me. In my mind to worry about her seems to give her more credit than she should be allowed. She's a non-entity in my life. I'm not denying she's out there, but I just don't worry about it.
And I haven't seen her since H left. He is very careful to make sure we don't hang out at the same bars, parties, etc. Keep it all in the bubble ya know . We do have a party of a mutual friend coming up in September and I'm interested to see if we both show. He knows I'm invited also and I think it flustered him some when I mentioned it. So could be interesting.
I'm taking the day off tommorrow for some R&R at our state fair, so everyone have a great weekend.
Hey all, always lurking but I don't always check in. So just wanted to say hello. Tommorrow is a joint counseling session with H. He'll let me know what he thinks about going to wedding. I'm not worrying about it either way, if I hadn't asked him at all it would be just another session. And a wedding isn't that big of a deal in the whole scheam of things.
H did email me a friendly hello today and told me he's been having lots of dreams where he's riding in a car out of control and it's spinning in the air. Wakes up right before he crashes. Also said he had one where he jupmed off a cliff 50 ft into the air and was scared in his dream because he knew he was going to land really hard.
I had to laugh reading it. Sounds pretty telling to me. Didn't respond to it, he can figure his fears out on his own.
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