Before you posted this, I tried to think of your advice as applied to my sitch and I got this;
I need to sit my W down and tell her that if she wants to continue to sleep in our bed, and share she same house with me, she needs to committ to a R with me that satisfies my needs and is what I want. Unless she does this NOW, and I see real signs of her sticking to it, I will ask her to move out, or I will.
That sounds extreme, but again, before you kinda clarified, I didn't think so. Now I get more of what you are saying but still think your original post came off as you saying that unless he agreed 100% with NM's terms, then no deal. In my particular sitch, and maybe her's too, that is not in keeping with the "DB" stance. I KNOW where you are comming from, i.e. making sure that a good foundation of open communication is established between NM and SO before he gets to come back but I wonder if he is capable of that right now. I know SHE should be and in that case, should use that power to indeed communicate her desire for something more to him. As for boundaries, as you said, that's something SHE will need to establish for herself, I guess we just disagree on exactly where those should be but ahhhh, what do we know, NM, this is up to YOU to decide.
I think I meant to say more of what you did in terms of her setting up boundaries and such, but I just feel that in her specific sitch, with all that has gone on recently, that she could let him come back and begin the process without some of the "agreements" that you suggest. I could be VERY wrong.
Anyway, off the subject...gotta laugh, the library just called...the book I reserved is ready for pick-up. Michele Weiner-Davis' "A Woman’s Guide to Changing Her Man". ROTFLMAO! Anyone read it?
In the interest of less confusion (and because I really do), I agree with OT. If you express what YOU want and then maybe gauge his response (since I am still not sure HE is going to be able to be clear in his communication...yet), you may get enough to allow him to come back and not feel that it's under 100% false pretenses.
I know this is a hard decision and no matter what you do, I would NOT suggest you begin to place your needs in his hands to fill just yet, home or no home. Let time play it's role in rebuilding some of what you two have lost.
Allrighty...so, SO has ended up in the hospital. He emailed me last night from his bar remote saying his stomach was bothering him the worst it ever has. Ever since I've known him, he's had a bad stomach...so does his mother, and sister/brother. They're all on Prilosec, Nexium, whatever - al with real bad stomachs.
Last fall, he actually saw a GI Specialist and once he went for the initial appointment and was told he needed a colonoscopy to further find out what was wrong, he never went back.
Last night he called around 1:15 AM after he left the remote and said he was driving himself to the ER and he had already called his work for someone to cover him. I texted him this morning, as I didn't know what was up. He called back a little while later saying he was still there; they had given him some painkillers, done a CAT scan; and it looked he would be there until at least tomorrow. He was really out of it, saying he didn't really know anything else and spent most of the time sleeping.
I asked him to keep me informed and if he needed me to be there, I'd have his mother come sit with the girls. He said he didn't know what was going on yet...just that were getting ready to put him in a room. I told him the offer was there, I was worried about him, and keep me posted when he could.
Sorry to say this...can we all say STRESS! Among other things. Maybe this forced facing of his health issues will do him some good. Even though I know it's not MY problem, I am worried about his work...he does have a wedding tomorrow. Don't know how that's going to get handled. His on air job will be covered, obviously, as will his bar remotes tonight & tomorrow night, so that's not a problem.
I don't know....I'm worried and I want to be there with him. If they're actually admitting him, then it seems more serious than he's aware. Don't know what to do. Whether I should call his mom and have her come here...she is almost 2 hours away, plus the hospital is over an hour drive away from our house....so it would be at least 3 hours before I could get there. I don't want to force myself on him, but I can't tell if he really doesn't want me there, or if he's just aware of the circumstances/time/kids, etc.
Well, he just called and they've put him in a room. He said they'll be knocking him out and doing the colonoscopy as well as one down his throat sometime today...
I asked if I could come out and he told me he didn't want anyone there; he'd be out of it anyway. Also doesn't want anyone to know he's in the hospital. I tried debating it with him, saying someone needed to be there to hear what was going on, but he said no. He said don't be pissed, that the hospital has my # in case something happened. I said I wasn't pissed, that I was very worried and upset and simply wanted to be there for him, but that I'd respect his wishes and if he changed his mind to let me know. I couldn't help but start crying a little. I hate this.
Just do it. You can call and let him know you're on your way once you have everything set up - that'll give oW a chance to skedaddle if she's there. You are the mother of his children, you have a right to be there, and frankly, he can never fault you for wanting to come and be there for him, but he might fault you for not showing up, even though he isists he doesn't need you.
If he gets bad news, don't you want to be at his side? (Although hopefully he won't).
I called his mom - she can't get here until 3, at the earliest, probably closer to 4...that means I won't be able to get the hospital much before 5....but, I'm going anyway. Hopefully he won't be too awful mad.
ROTFLMAO! Anyone read it? 
