Ummm...smoking....yes, tried the patch. Now, I'm not so very proud to admit this, even through all 3 of my preganancies, I couldn't quit.
The patch, my doctor prescribed it last pregnancy. I was OK for a short while, then found myself smoking while ON the patch...not good.
No, haven't tried any drugs.
And y es, I'm trying to be more forthcoming with my responses. And, if it seems like he doesn't understand, I try to explain a little further. And I think I may have said that it made me feel bad.
As for packing in front of him...lol - no, actually my plan is to NOT remind him of it and then just be gone! Poof! Now you see her, now you don't.
BTW, did you know that your risk of lung cancer increases dramatically at the 20 combined years of smoking mark??? So, if you haven't smoked for that long combined, it is very important to quit before then.
Also, of course you CAN quit smoking. You HAVEN'T. But, you CAN. It will help if you just tell yourself this instead of the absolute negative self-talk on the subject...
We don't want to have to start calling you Wheezy.
Quitting sounds like a great self-improvement goal to me. If you're successful, that is definitely something that would make SO notice that you ARE changing, not to mention that it would probably make you feel better about yourself.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
This is something that is acutally very high up on my list of goals.....W and I actually DID quite for 4 years, then started back up again about 2 years ago. UGH! I'm getting to the point that I was at back then.....couldn't stand it, couldn't understand WHY I did it, etc. I see this happening very soon.
NM, I just have to say that I always love reading your posts....you have a great sense of humor and, despite some off days, a generally good outlook. Keep up the good work!
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Quick update....took SO to get the truck...during the drive, he did start talking about the purchase of this truck - almost as if he was justifying it to me. He kept going on about it...it being no frills - but he needed something, etc. I finally said, "It's OH - KAY! If you're expecting me to argue with you about it, I'm not going to. There's no reason to. You need something to pull your DJ trailer....this fits the bill." He said "I know, I know." After that, we finally got off the subject of the truck and got back to an easy flowing conversation between us.
We get back here and he asks if he could sleep here until he has to go to work tonight. I wanted to say no, but he had his stuff with him... WTH? I did say that the kids were loud - he said he didn't mind hearing the kids. OK, whatever. I let it go. This is 2nd? 3rd? week in a row now.
I laid down on the couch and he went in to the bedroom. I did not join him. Stayed on the couch. Didn't want anything to lead to...well, you know.
He got up and I kind of just stayed out of the way...made myself scarce. He had filled my truck up with gas earlier, saying I was going to need it for the drive tomorrow. Now he asked what time I was leaving - I said that I didn't know as his mother worked until 1. He said he didn't know what time he was leaving either. Then he made a comment about how he was waiting for me to come into the bedroom and I didn't. (NM doesn't bite anything here!! LOL)
Ok....I make myself scarcer...lol....he's getting ready to leave....comes up and gives me a big hug and says see you tomorrow. I said, "Well, probably not." He said why not? What are you doing? I said "I'm not sure yet, still waiting for a few calls to come in." His reply "Don't start that. You know I'll see you up there."
So, moral of this story. I didn't bite....I didn't offer up anything to him about my plans, nor did I question him about his plans. And now HE is the one presuming he's going to see me! LOL What a turn around.
Even better, now HE KNOWS THAT, now HE gets to realize he misses you and wants to know what is going on, HE gets a chance to figure out what he really wants.
Hope everyone had a nice weekend! 3 Day journal, so don't tell me I didn't warn you it's a long one! OK, here goes -
Friday SO was here during the day...slept here the afternoon and got up for work and left around 7 PM. Everything was left that I was going to drop the kids off at his mothers and all I knew was he said he was going to his brothers. He gave me a big hug & cheek kiss goodbye and I told him to have a good night and weekend. He did say he "was sure he'd see me around over the weekend"...I never responded to him about anything as far as that went.
Friday night around 3 AM, I'm startled from sleep by SO coming in and waking me up with the words "Ya know, anyone could come walking in here and you wouldn't even know it." I was stunned that he was there. A little PO'd and a little happy all at the same time. I didn't say anything though, I was still half asleep and just kind of said "What's up", kind of playing it off as no big deal. I didn't really know what else to do or say.
He talked some about his night and then crawled into bed like it was "normal" or something. I let it go and chit-chatted then went to sleep.
Saturday Saturday morning I got up and started packing; took care of the kids - normal stuff just like I'd be doing to get ready to go. His mom had to work until 1-1:30, so I wasn't planning to leave until around 12 to get to her place around 2. After that, my plans were pretty much on the fly, although I was ultimately headed to my sisters. SO woke up when I went into the bedroom to get to bathroom to get in the shower. He got up with the kids and I got ready and packed my things to go.
He showered and started asking me what my plans were. I was very vague, since I didn't really know anything for sure, lol, and he started getting a little upset, saying I was being secretive. I never really answered him - again. Just went my own way, got everything I needed to ready to go; packed the truck. He asked if he could follow me until we split to go different directions. I said OK. We got to one town and he called my cell telling me he stopped off to wash his car. I didn't even know he was gone, lol, and it was like 3 miles past the place - lol. I said OK, have a great weekend and used the can't hear you - cell phone breaking up - gotta go line and hung up.
I dropped the kids off and headed to my sisters...got there and we did some things. I did some shopping, grabbed some Smirnoff Ice for myself, mostly just whiled away the afternoon doing whatever I wanted - it was great...then headed back to her place. We made dinner and just hung around with another friend who was there...she has a little pond and we were teasing the frogs...I never called SO or even felt like it.
Around 8 PM the phone rang and I answered it...guess who! SO....asking me what I was doing (teasing frogs!)....and he asking if I wanted to come over for a while and hang out with him. I asked if his brothers jeep or 4-wheeler were running...kidding that I was only going to come over if we could go thru the woods...lol...I never really gave him a yes or a no answer...just OK, thanks for asking - I'll see what I'm doing.....maybe I'll stop by later. When I got off the phone, my sister looked at me and I said, "Jeez, I feel like I've been asked out on a date!" All she did was smile and say "Coming home tonight?" I said "Yeah!" I'll leave my stuff here, just leave the key in the BBQ for me because I think we'll be going 4-wheeling."
About an hour later I got ready and headed to his brothers...there was a few people there hanging out. His 2 year old nephew was giving his brother/SIL a hard time going to bed, SO has a loud voice, so his brother told us to take his new 4-wheeler for a ride and "Don't come back for at least a half an hour!". Ok - we're off!
We headed out and had a nice ride thru the woods...a couple of times we stopped and it seemed like he was about to "say" something...but I'd quick make sure I changed the subject....I didn't want any talks. I just wanted to have a nice time. We headed back to the house and hung out talking for a while and SO looked at his watch and said "Think we can make it to the convenient store in 7 minutes?" He needed cigarettes and the only store around was closing. I said Yeah, I'll go. He got up and headed to HIS car and said get in. I jumped in and we got to the store (it's only about 3 miles away - lol).
After he got back in the car, he headed in a different direction...I didn't say anything but realized he was headed towards "our" old bar...it's been sold - new owners, new rules, new crowd, etc and we haven't been there since...over a year now....we get there and he says - let's do it. OK. It was bad! Really bad...we were just shaking our heads at all the changes....but, at one point he said "I can't believe after 10 years you're still sitting here next to me." We went and looked at the pix on the wall...and he started pointing out pix of him & his friend...we sit back down and he says "Friend should be sitting on one side of me and you on the other." We finish our drinks and he says let's go. We get back in the car, and instead of heading back, he heads in a different direction, saying "let's go to Bar XYZ"...actually we ended up going to 2 more bars, then headed back to the original bar....everything was dead! We actually made the whole tour in exactly one hour, lol - arriving back at his brothers not even an hour and a half after we left. Get there and they're asleep!
I get out of the car and say, well I guess I'll get going and go back to Sister's. He said "no, no - stay awhile longer. Don't go yet..blah, blah." I said OK, I'll have one drink...He said "You're really going back? You're not staying here? You really have to?" I said " I don't HAVE to do anything - lol. I don't have to be anywhere! OK - I'll stay for another drink" We hung out on the deck for awhile and I said I was getting tired...he said he was too...He asked again if I would stay - I said I don't have clothes or anything...he said "So what"...I looked at him like "Don't even go there cause you ain't getting nothin!" and after a little back & forth, I agreed to stay. We went inside and we usually stay in what's like a big rec room/spare living room in the basement...no beds, but couches & futons...in the past, we always slept separately - him on one couch, me on the other futon mattress that I always put on the floor...we did our usual thing and got ready for bed.
I guess once he laid down, the alcohol hit him. LOL He started getting sick and went to the bathroom. He went a few times and finally I said, "OK, SO, I'm gonna go now". He started freaking out and asked Why...I said well, your not feeling well, I thought maybe you'd want to be alone. He started saying "No, no - I need you here" Please NM...please don't leave me...over and over again kept saying this - don't leave me, please don't leave me. Practically crying. I finally said "OK, SO, I won't leave you. I'll stay right here." I ended up falling asleep....I think before he did...I'm not sure.
Sunday Woke up and went upstairs and hung out with Brother/SIL....It was around 9 AM...talked up there for a bit and then decided to head back to sisters...I needed to shower...wanted to do some more shopping before I was due at SO's mothers for the BBQ. I went downstairs to see SO and he was in the bathroom....we just kind of yelled thru the door to each other and I said I was leaving....and I'd probably see him later. Bye! And left. LOL Got breakfast for me & sis and went to her house.
She was headed out "yard-saling" and I ended up saying OK I'll go, too! Hell, I was starting to enjoy my newfound freedom!! No one to answer to, it was great. Went out with her for a while...she dropped me off at her place as it was almost 1 PM and I was supposed to be at SO's mom's around 1....I still needed to shower and drive the 45 minutes...lol.
Got to the BBQ, I was the last to arrive....it was interesting....SO made a lot of comments that were unusual....almost made it seem as though we were "together", when in fact everyone knows he's got his own place and why. Kind of interesting to listen to him...I never uttered anything about "us"....avoided it like the plague. He did tell me I looked really nice and he couldn't stop looking at me. I wasn't sure of his tone and looked at him - he was smiling. I said Thanks!
Later he asked what I was doing that night...I said I wasn't sure but that I was going somewhere to watch the race. He said he had to go "home" (meaning our home...my home - whatever - he's been saying "home" in reference to here and "his apartment" as his apartment - he always makes a distinct difference.) He asked if I wanted to go back there...I said, if I do, I want to go up to the bar and watch it there...he asked why. I said because I need to get comfortable going there...I like that place and I want to have a local place to be able to go to. So, we head home, in our separate vehicles...get here and he came up behind me and started kissing the back of my neck...we ended up ..then took showers and got ready to go out. I knew he didn't really want to go, but I was going anyway. He did ask if I would change my shirt (I had on a tiny tank top!) because he didn't want "those rednecks seeing his stuff and he didn't need any trouble" - so I did - just looked at him and changed it - wasn't really a big deal to me.
We went to the bar, but it was really quiet, had something to eat and then headed home after about 2 hours. We got here and he was on the computer while I was watching the race in the same room. He was looking for some "stuff" for his truck and was asking my opinion on things. At one point, I was looking over and saw that OW came online...he quick put up his away message (he didn't know I was looking at that particular moment). A little while later, I did see he emailed what appeared to be one or two words...I didn't really consider this snooping, lol, as he was doing it right in front of me, and all along he was having me glance over at the computer to see the stuff he was looking at...
Anyway, after awhile he made a remark about "staying here tonight". I didn't say anything. I was almost looking forward to him leaving, if you can believe it. LOL Once the race was over, I got ready for bed because I was exhausted and he came to the bedroom and I said, "So I presume you're staying here tonight?" He said yes. We got into bed and neither one of us could fall asleep, we were both tossing around....finally, we ended up again. He fell asleep, but I still couldn't so I got up for a bit and watched TV.
Monday The next morning, I never even heard him leave....and didn't wake up until almost 10! It was great...I got up, showered, finally called his mom and made plans to meet her to pick up the kids. I went shopping and met her and she decided to come all the way to the house... When I got here, SO was here mowing the lawn....I kind of did my own thing, since his mother was here, I had her keep an eye on the kids so I could get some outside things done that I hadn't been able to do.
Later on that night, SO was in on the computer and I could see that he was emailing OW again. He left around 8 or so....thanking me for a great weekend.
Today Today I didn't see him...he went to his apartment as he had to work tonight. I just got off the phone with a friend and he said something to me that really startled me and has me upset and has completely affected my whole mood. He said that he heard that "SO threw her out of the apartment a couple weeks ago." Now, I know, I shouldn't be upset. I kind of figured all along that she was - at the very least - "staying there", but to have someone say that out loud to me, well, it just stung and I'm in a pissy mood. Then I snooped. He had emailed her a couple of times yesterday afternoon before I got here. He didn't want it to end this way. And he was going to call her and a lot was riding on the call. Just crap. Crap that made me feel bad after what was a good weekend.
So for all you who snoop - just don't do it. Because my tone came thru on the phone with him and we had a sour conversation. No arguing, but I was very short and very cold to him - I couldn't help it. And I know he doesn't know what the hell is going on. I just keep thinking about her "living" there. Dammit, more lies from him. He's changed so much. I just can't believe who he is these days. The person I was with over the weekend - that's the person I know. And when we get back - whammo, back to alien life form.
I know there's more from the weekend that I skipped over...but this was getting way too long! LOL I really don't think any of it matters anyway. The reality seems to be he's still in limbo. And I'm to the point where I feel it's HIS limbo, not mine.
I had such a great weekend - being "FREE". Free of him, the kids, being able to do whatever I wanted whenever I chose to do it. Or not. It was very, very liberating for me. It's made me realize I don't have to fall into this trap anymore. He can go be confused on his own time. Not mine.
At no point over the weekend did I really give a thought to "us", nor did I even think I was going to spend any time with him. He had given me the impression that he was doing his own thing, and I had already made the plans to do my own thing (before even knowing he was going up there). Hearing from him was a nice bonus. As was the time spent with him. It was BOTH of our choices to spend the time together. I didn't push myself on him...nor did I worry about what would happen if I didn't see him. And now I'm back here and all up in arms again. It really kind of sucks.
Ok all those words and all I can focus on is the 's !!!
YOU SUCK!!!!
That, and I think you are doing REALLY well with this. Seems to me like you've take all the power away from SO and you are fully in control over your own life these days. GOOD FOR YOU! I hope you can keep that perspective.
As for the snooping, you know I agree with you. It almost never helps.
..then took showers and got ready to go out. I knew he didn't really want to go, but I was going anyway. He did ask if I would change my shirt (I had on a tiny tank top!) because he didn't want "those rednecks seeing his stuff and he didn't need any trouble" - so I did - just looked at him and changed it - wasn't really a big deal to me.