Capricorn There has been too much tension. Too much uncertainty, too much drama and too much unnecessary argument. Now, there needs to be some stability and some sanity. The Sun's harmonious link to Saturn suggests that a much-needed time of ease and simplicity is about to begin. Don't feel daunted by the issues that still seem to be unresolved. As long as you deal with them in a calm and trusting frame of mind, you will naturally see how to answer all the outstanding questions in your life.
SO showed up (with lunch) - completely surprised me, I'm laughing because I was in another room and heard footsteps on the stairs - YIKES! Realized it was him - then a split second later realized I left my page (here) open on the computer. He opened the door....and as a stall tactic, lmao, I screamed! It was just so funny. Then I quickly got to the computer and shut it down. LOL Anyway, he saw me on here once before and I would rather just keep this to myself...
As for the gift, I'm inclined to go with OT on this one.
it is about the genuine thoughtful caring, understanding, and insight into the other person that a good gifts demonstrates that is important. I'm sure it is as hard or harder for you NOT to give a gift than it is for you to refrain from saying ILY over and over again. Anyway, at the very least, a gift from you is a sign of intimacy.
Is mind-reading another one of your many talents? This is me, I guess, without ever realizing it. I thought my LL's were QT and Physical Touch...I need to BUY that book (not just borrow it from the library). But you're so right - it IS much harder for me to NOT give a present than say ILY. Hmmm....that's startling to realize.
And, as for the weekend...another LOL. We were talking and it got to the subject of the weekend...he was talking about what we're going to do for another vehicle...it dawned on me he may need MY truck - so I asked - "You don't need my truck for anything this weekend do you? I have to take the girl's to your mom's this weekend." He said no, I'm probably going to Brother's on Saturday. Once again, my confusion got me and I thought something was wrong so I asked Why? He said "I just need to get out of here for a day or two and I'll have MF work for me Saturday night. I have to come back Sunday night because I have to be up early for the parade Monday morning." I said, "Oh, ok."
We were laying down for a nap at this time and - NO, I said nothing. I think he was expecting me to, but I didn't. yeah for me. You all may not think it was a biggie, but it was to me. OK - so it'll be interesting to see what happens next.
LOL @ the scream! Excellent, and effective, response.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
LOL - Yes, the scream effect....works every time...in a variety of situations, lol - anytime you need to divert attention away from the obvious!
Another funny story...yesterday I decided to deep clean my bedroom...it's just one of those rooms that always seems to get put off...ya know, I'll get to it after the more important rooms - kitchen, baths, etc...
I had my 18 month in there with me and I was vacuuming (with the extended hose) under the bed, along the trim, etc - everywhere the regular vacuum can't reach...I kept watching her and she was playing with the telephone which a push button kind - not cordless. I yelled at her a few times, finally done vacuuming bring her and vacuum out to living room.
I happen to look outside and there's a state trooper sitting out on the road. At the same time a cement truck was backing down my neighbors drive, which is so close to mine, we practically share the entry. I pay no mind....then see the trooper pull down my drive. I'm like WTH? I go downstairs to meet him and he says "Did you call 911?" I wasn't expecting this and was stuttering, probably sounding guilty, and Who, me? Uh, no. He said "Well, is this XXX Road?" I said yes. Phone Number? 123-4567...Yes - a 911 call came in from this number.
Then it dawned on me...I said, Im really sorry, I think my daughter must have done it. He asked me for ID and I said, can you come upstairs, that's where I have it. So comes up, and sees my 3 year old and 18 month old, and I'm apologizing profusely...I said it wasn't the 3 year old who did this...I said, what are the odds that an 18 month old can hit the #'s for 911? He seemed kind of mad, but said "Don't worry it happens all the time." So that was my interesting story of the day...lol. Most excitement I've had in a while...lol.
Ok..back to mundane life...not much going with SO. He called a couple of times yesterday...I relayed the 911 story...he'll be here later to get the plates off his old truck, then I have to drive him to the dealership to pick up a pick-up. LOL He got a deal on cheap, no frills, used 4 WD...
In one of our conversations yesterday, he made a remark that he was still feeling sick and the only reason he was going to the bar remote is because he desperately needs the money...I paused and didn't say anything and jumped on it asking "Are you pissed?". Now, he always asks me this, and usually I'm not mad but it seems the second he utters these words I instantly get defensive and it makes me mad that he thinks I'm mad!
So, thinking of my new thread title, I said to him, "No, I'm not mad. I just don't know how to answer you when you say something like that."
And I really don't - I mean is this Passive/Aggressive behavior? What do you say to someone who says "I'm sick, and the only reason I'm doing this is because YOU don't work"....or, at least that's how I interpret what he said. It isn't what he said, but that's what I hear . So - how to answer? "I'm sorry"? - That sounds lame.
I see us interacting this way in several areas and I WANT TO CHANGE IT!!!!!! LOL I don't think I did so bad by telling him that I didn't know what to say because it made him stop and think about the words he said. I hope this makes sense. Did I do OK? Or, what would have a better answer (for future reference!)?
The purchase of this pick up - In the past, yes, I've
b!tched when he would make something that I viewed as an uneccesary purchase...I could have used a new/newer vehicle since I'm the one carting the kids around. This time, I just agreed with his decision, no argument from me.
And now he's saying how plain this truck is. This time - what I've done different - not said anything other than words of encouragement. Honestly, there isn't enough $ to warrant the purchase of a more expensive vehicle, so this will have to do.
Last night he emailed me with the items he wants to get to turn the truck from a plain Jane into "his" - once again, no comments on my part except for kidding that I "knew" he would find a way to personalize the truck and actually gave him a few more ideas.
He has such a fear of me trying to control his money -this has always cropped up between us. But, in reality, it's not my money. It's his to do with what he pleases. This leads me to the next item, his recent comments (there's been a few) and maybe I'm reading more into this than I should be - but his comments along the lines of HOW he's going to afford things - additional bills along with his rent. Not even going there. I've just noticed that he's brought this up a few times. And - NO - I'm not asking him to move back. Not sure that's what his intent is in making these statements, just noting them.
Oh yes and OT this is for you, The last time he was here, he noticed my new nightie...lol. I skipped the new bra and went with a 3-piece Nightie, robe, panties - and he IMMEDIATELY noticed it even though I wasn't parading around in it. LOL When did you get that? Why? lol
Oh - forgot - he keeps bringing up things that/trips we've taken in the past. RE: last weekend - telling his friend about the trips we took to the area his wedding was at; and to me the other day, reminding me this is the weekend we usually went to Charlotte for the race. Interesting.
So, anyway, my point here...trying to do things different. Different reactions, or none at all. ANYTHING other than the usual or what he might expect. Hope I'm doing OK - I'm certain there's tons of room for improvement, but it's a start!
NM, I think the most important part to any of our sitches is not only knowing what to do, but WANTING to do it. To me, it's almost as important as actually doing it. Why I say that is you can "do" something without any conviction behind it. You can just "try" an action and then give up on it quickly if you are only doing it because you read it in a book and thought it MIGHT work but really don't believe, or WANT to do it.
That's just it GH - I WANT TO CHANGE IT. I think back to 3-4 years ago, I wanted things to change THEN, only I was so clueless. I thought HE had to be the one to change. I feel ridiculous even saying that out loud.
It's so hard...trying to change a decade of our combined negative behaviors - even if you KNOW the behavior isn't working. Kind of like quitting smoking. Something else I've never been able to accomplish - and it scares me. If I can't quit smoking, knowing that it can KILL me, how the hell will modifying my negative behavior be any easier? Or will I slack off? God, I hope not.
Although, in some instances, like 180's - I've find myself having FUN with it. I'm really a spontaneous fun-loving, easy go lucky person. Even if it doesn't come across here, lol, and even with 3 little kids - lol. So, trying to come up with different things, it's fun to me. Even if just for shock value. Is that bad? Even if it is, I still think, OK - what can I do next? He, however, still seems to do the same things, say the same things over & over. It's almost a little annoying. Like OK, dude, hello -it's not working! Do something different! SAY something different! And you guys say I *know* him - well, he's pretty steady as they come. I'm trying to knock him out of the routine.
What do you say to someone who says "I'm sick, and the only reason I'm doing this is because YOU don't work"....or, at least that's how I interpret what he said. It isn't what he said, but that's what I hear . So - how to answer? "I'm sorry"? - That sounds lame.
How about, "No, I'm not mad, I feel hurt and defensive. When you say that, what I hear is -- "I'm sick, and the only reason I'm doing this is because YOU don't work." That might not be a fair interpretation of what you say, but that is what I hear. Then, I feel all the negative things that go with that. Guilt, defensiveness, worthlessness, weakness, dependence, powerlessness, incompetentence, like I don't have my [censored] together... I feel like crap."
Perhaps an honest direct report of what is going on with you without blaming???? That is THE 180 to shoot for. You can do it here, ergo, you can do it with him.
BTW, you can quit smoking. Just keep working on it. People who quit generally make several attempts. So you are getting closer to success!
Have you tried the 24-hour patches and used them for 3 months? Have you tried Zyban? Have you tried visualizing putting a cigarette out on the inside of your lung everytime you light up? Have you tried putting 5 bucks into a vacation fund for every pack you don't buy?
BTW, I certainly hope he doesn't see you packing said nightie for the weekend.
No, it is not too late to explain what was up with you yesterday.
You know, he is probably thinking that you were thinking he was making excuses to cover somehow going to see OW and didn't know how to react to that, or some other thing that is making him feel like sh*t.
BTW, that really is what you HEAR, not what he is SAYING.
Quote: No, it is not too late to explain what was up with you yesterday.
You know, he is probably thinking that you were thinking he was making excuses to cover somehow going to see OW and didn't know how to react to that, or some other thing that is making him feel like sh*t.
BTW, that really is what you HEAR, not what he is SAYING.
The last time he was here, he noticed my new nightie...lol. I skipped the new bra and went with a 3-piece Nightie, robe, panties - and he IMMEDIATELY noticed it even though I wasn't parading around in it. LOL When did you get that? Why? lol
