Thanks, everyone. I AM pretty encouraged right now. Feeling good about things, yet remembering that the reconciliation is a process, and not an event. Trying to keep my wits about myself, and not try to push the process too fast. I think that's where I've blown it a time or two in the past, got a little bit too anxious for things to be "perfect". I'm going to keep this process on HER pace, not mine.
Heading out now to spend tonight and tomorrow with my best buddy from grade school. We lost each other for awhile, haven't seen each other in over 25 years. It seems like a whole different lifetime. Lots of catching up to do!!
Hope everyone MAKES a great day tomorrow!
BTW Kent - Back at you, big guy!!
JJ
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Just checking in! Going to another C session this afternoon.
Things are going ok, I guess. "Life things" are starting to get to W, she's slipped into her depression mode. She's trying to fight it, but it's there. I'm trying to stay detached, yet available. Takes a lot of strength and tongue-biting at times. Been concentrating on doing things with my stepson, and this is working good. Even W's noticed some differences in his mood and attitudes.
It gets discouraging at times, just seeing how much W has to work on HER before we can really go too far on US. I guess me being there for and with her right now IS part of the working on us. I do have to wonder sometimes about whether or not this R is the right thing for me. Whether or not the drama is going to last forever. Then I remind myself that love isn't a feeling, it's a choice, and I've made the choice to love her. The better or worse, sickness and health thing, right?!
There's gonna be some life issues coming up soon that I'm sure are going to be some BIG speed bumps. I hate for it to be the self-fulfilling prophecy thing, but I want to plan ahead for it. Hopefully, today we'll be able to come up with some plans on how to make it through. Together.
Don't mean to sound "whiney" today, just venting a bit, I guess. Thanks for being here.
Progress, not perfection, right? (BTW, I used this saying when talking to W about S, and she loved it. She really appreciated the attitude behind it.)
JJ
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Good luck with the C session today. I think it's really smart of you to see those bumps coming and to plan for them, like in the book- coming up with all the plan B,C, and D's
Well, it was a little reality-check for JJ yesterday.
Dr.'s orders to me.....
"Get focused on taking care of you. You need to be OK in order for your partner to get through her stuff".
Gee, where have I heard that before?!
I guess I didn't really see it, but I was getting back into some bad old patterns. With W's anxiety and depression issues raising their heads this last week, I seem to have let out that little co-dependent monster in me. Wasn't taking good enough care of myself, trying to take care of her too much. Causing resentment on BOTH of our parts. Bad, bad boy, I know better than that! More of what doesn't work. Quite an eye opener, it was like the C smacked me right between the eyes.
Trying to find a support group for partners of the depressed, but not much luck. Would be nice to just vent with others who are going through the same, like we do here. It's so wierd, I can see the signs of her depression coming on, the events leading up to it, the results that take place, but there doesn't seem to be a damn thing I can do about it. Part of the letting-go process, releasing control issues, I guess. Not taking things personally.
W's still scared about the R at times, wonders why I want to stay, scared of me leaving again. Said it's nothing I am or am not doing, it's just her. She can push me away and yet tell me she doesn't want to lose me, all in the same breath. I have to be careful to stay out of her confusion.
Homework assignments of reading out loud to each other, "lovie" words and touches, and continue with the acknowledgments of goodness and appreciation. Also, both of us are taking the Briggs-Meyers personality tests, to help us see where both us and our partner fall into place. I seem to over-analyze, and she tends to just see the surface. There must be a good place for us to meet in the middle(?). She stressed the fact that she doesn't do things to intentionally hurt me, and is sorry that she does.
Ended the session with a big hug and a kiss, then went for a few drinks and food. Not real comfortable, but the effort to spend the alone together was there.
Progress, not perfection.
JJ
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W went out with the girls (?)last night. I decided to go out, too. I got home earlier, left her a note thanking her for sharing some info with me yesterday, hope she had a fun time tonight-she deserved it. Not sure what time she got home, but when she came to bed, she snuggled up real close and was pretty loving, and said that it felt good.
She got up before me this morning, made us some coffee, and we visited for a bit. While I was in the shower, she came in and said she'd be right back, was gonna meet her Dad at the store. When she came back, she confessed that she lied to me, om showed up at the house wanting a ride to work. I remained calm, just asked a couple of light questions, and let it go. I thanked her for being honest with me, and I continued on in the same mood that we started the day with. She apologized, and I told her that I know it wasn't her fault he showed up there. She was very touchy and kissy the rest of the morning. There hasn't been any "I love you's" lately, but those are just words, anyway. The actions are what count.
Very strange days. Not EVEN gonna dwell long on what's going on, I don't think SHE even knows. I'm staying detached, and going out with some friends tonite.
She just called, we talked about how great our day goes when we have mornings together. She apologized again about om, said he's been trying to call her all day, and she's not taking the calls. I thanked her for letting me know about it, that I could handle her being honest with me. She wants to talk to me more about him later. OK.
I'll be the good, fun, happy, loving guy, and he can be the obnoxious, irritating, manipulative jerk.
Progress, not perfection!
JJ
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Hey, MF, thanks for checking in! Doing mostly OK, ready to vent a little today!
W's been dealing with the death of an old family friend, close to her Dad's age, and it's brought out a lot of sad feelings in her. I've been listening to her, and she has seemed to have figured out most of the dynamics of why she's taking it so hard. Thinking about how her Dad and everyone else isn't gonna live forever.
She had bad dreams a couple of nights ago, woke up several times very terrified. We prayed together, and she slept well after that. Thanked me the next day, said there was something bad and dark in the house. Wanted to tell her, yeah, it's the ghost of your f***ing om still haunting us, but I refrained myself from that. Anybody out there know a good op excorsist?!
We're still having problems with D, but W and I are presenting more of a united front on this. S is still doing good, and he, W, and I are forming a closer family unit. This seems to bring out both happy and scared feelings in W. She still, at times, seems to be confused about the fate of our M, and doesn't want S to be hurt. He's finally figuring out that I AM a pretty nice guy, and not the jerk both he and his sister always thought I was! W mentioned in the C session yesterday how she sees me now "acting" instead of "reacting" when it comes to the family issues.
It seems at this point of "piecing", it's sometimes a struggle for me to on determine when to share my feelings (kind of a 180 from the past), and when to just let things go. My biggest issue right now is with om. I can strongly feel that he's out of W's heart, even though "I" may not be COMPLETELY back in. He keeps entering back into the picture, either coming over or calling. I guess my biggest problem is that my W is the type of person who tends to ignore problems, hoping they'll go away, instead of dealing with them. That's been the cause of most of the problems that happened after I left. I think she would rather pretend the A never happened, and just forget about it. She's never really told him the "final good-bye", she's hoping he'll just move on and not come back. When she apologized for his intrusions, and asked what she could do to make me feel better, I told her I would like for her to give this goodbye to him, let him know it's totally over. That from the impression I got, she never really did this, and it's something I felt needed to be done. She offered to do it that night, and I told her that it didn't need to be done right at this moment. (I want her to do it because it's her idea, not something I'm forcing.)
The C session yesterday wasn't very productive, in my opinion. She was rambling about a lot of stuff, mostly kid things. Probably would have been better as an individual session for her. Guess I wanted to talk about the om situation, and she didn't. I did bring up the fact that I appreciated her being honest with me about the contact with him, that it was easier for me to deal with when SHE tells me instead of me finding out any other way. She almost seemed bewildered by this, like she's always been honest with me about the situation. She just simply said she's not a good liar. (Well, hopefully she won't get anymore practice at it!) That was the extent of the om conversation, left me feeling rather unsatisfied.
We stopped and had a few drinks afterwards. In our conversations, something came up about a sitch with D, and she said "I know you hate to hear this, but one time om and I tried……" She lost me from there. I let her talk some more, but then had to tell her how much it sucked that she even said that. She apologized, and thanked me for letting her know. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt that she doesn't do these things to hurt me, that she's ignorant of the pain it causes, but my tolerance and understanding is wearing very, very thin.
I was pretty distant after that, and was still kinda pissed when I first started writing this earlier today. Have calmed down a bit, and am trying to look at the progress so far. Venting here sure helps! Getting back into the "as if" mode about things before I get home. Seems like things are running their course, only not as fast as I want. I'm bringing her a present home, a hard to find old "happy-place-in-her-life" video that she loves.
Progress, not perfection. Hope everyone's doing well!
BTW - Michele's new book is GREAT, found a lot of help in the chapter on how to deal with a depressed spouse. Haven't read the whole book yet, but it looks like a must read for all of us here!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
It may be time for you to have a little talk with OM about moving on. He may need some serious motivation.
Sorry buddy, I have been biting my tongue as long as I can. I just had to let it out. I know your not in agreement with my pursuit for justice. Look at it as an educational mission. You really would be helping him make the right choice.
I think you also know that I am serious.
Choose your own path. Keep in mind that this guy has no respect for you and he ain't going away as he sees you as no threat to him.
I'm not really the devil. You could find plenty of law in the old testament. This guy is a predator.
Oh, come on, Kent, you really ARE a little devil, and you know it!! What makes me chuckle is that we are starting to think too much alike!! In the true spirit of DB'ing, what I've been doing isn't working, so it's time to do something different. Time for Plan B.
The decision I face right now is whether to have a direct confrontation with him, work this through his parole officer, or a combination of the two. I'm pretty sure that W's not gonna like it either way, but that's tough. Or maybe she really wants me to step in on this? Either way doesn't matter, it needs to be done. I'm sure that she won't be able to find anyone to back her up on her "do nothing" stance.
We're working through most of our other stuff pretty well right now, and this issue is going to prevent us (or at least me) from progressing any further. He IS a predator, and it IS my biblical responsibility to protect my family.
BTW, I REALLY like the "educational mission" thing. You have such a way with words!!
Thanks, buddy!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
