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OK, folks, I think we may have had a MAJOR breakthrough here!!!

When I got home Monday, W was on a cleaning spree. We stopped and talked , she was having one of her "gray" days, a slight bit of depression. We hugged, she told me how glad she was that I was home with her. I told her I was glad, too, and that I was so, so sorry that in the past I hadn't been there for her "gray" and her "blue" days. That back then there was so much I didn't know and that I didn't understand, and how I tended to take these kind of days a bit personally. She apologized, too, said she was wrong, also. That she could see the things she did to drive me away instead of drawing me closer.

Earlier in the day, she had asked me if I had ever talked to a lawyer, and I told her yes, I needed to find out where I stood in all her legal issues and with the house and all that. I asked her why, said we'd talk later.

As the evening progressed, she wanted to get the bedroom cleaned, get all the extra stuff out of there, make it OUR room again. I told her that was nice, I'd like that too, and just went with the flow. We worked along together, she initiated a lot of hugs and I love you's. She complained about the mattress, as she has been for a while, that it stinks. I've always thought her comments about this was a symbolism type of thing, it's the same mattress her and OM shared. We put my air mattress on the bed, and put another cover on top of that. The biggest part of this was her putting on some new sheets, sheets she had bought for US a while back, and was never ready to use yet. Seems she's ready for them now, and was very, very excited about finally putting them on.

When we got done, we sat on the bed, drank wine, and talked. She had a confession to make, seems she's done a little snooping of her own. She had gone through the call log on my phone (I hardly ever clear it), and checked out the numbers on there. As she called them, I guess one of them was either to or from a lawyer, which, for the life of me, I can't recall. Must have scared her, think she has also found my book on a do-it-yourself divorce, it was out of it's usual place. She also found the numbers for a LF friend of mine, someone I've known for many years, and who W knows I had a relationship with in the past, before W and I met. There were fairly recent incoming and missed calls from her on the log. I had her listed under a guy's name, W asked me why, I came back with the classic "I don't know"!!

She told me she wrote OM a letter, asking him to move on, it's over between them. She told me again how she's never loved anyone as much as me, and how no one could ever love her like I do. How she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. How she can't apologize enough for hurting me, she's soooo sorry. How no one ever made her feel as pretty, as beautiful, as special as I do. She keeps mentioning the story I told her the other night, too, how much that meant to her. She wanted me to ask her questions, and I did until the point to where it started getting uncomfortable.

We made love with the passion we had at the beginning of our marriage. We snuggled afterwards, and as we were falling asleep, she asked if I thought we were going to make it, and I told her I did.

The next evening, she asked me questions about my LF. Was pretty honest with her, yes, I did love her, but as a very, very good friend. We had helped each other through some tough times, had a lot of fun times together. Been seeing each other off and on for the past year. Yes, thought she loved me, too, in her own way. W reassured me that no one could love me as much as she does. Told me it hurt in the pit of her stomach when she thought about LF and I together. (GOOD!!!!) Wanted to make sure that I always talked to her about things, didn't keep things inside of me. Again, passionate love that night.

OM came by the house last night. W jumped off the couch and went and hid in the bedroom. She was scared. I answered the door, no, W's not available. Wanted me to tell her that he got the letter, please give him a call. Yeah, ok, bye. Went to get her, we talked, she's worried he's gonna be weird, stalking the house, not letting go. She wants him out of our life. He's called a few times the past few days, wanting rides, cigarettes, etc. She again reminded me that she doesn't want him around, she loves me. I told her that I understood that ending it with him was going to be more of a process than an event, that I wanted her to be able to talk to me about it. I wanted to know when they see or talk to each other. She agreed.

There's a part of me that's still a bit skeptical about the whole situation, which is probably a good thing. There's a BIG part of me that feels overwhelming joy. I am trying to look at the things I've been doing, doing more of what works, and concentrating on not reverting back to old ways. For now, it seems like I've got my W pretty fully back. Seems she's out of the tunnel, sticking her head back in occasionally, instead of being in the tunnel, sticking her head out.

I have a feeling that our relationship this time is going to be better than it was before!

This is really wonderful, JJ.
Don't let the skepticism overshadow the happiness (at least internally).

Why don't you go celebrate and buy a new mattress?

LeeP

Thanks, Lee, great idea!! Thought of a dinner to celebrate, but your idea is much, much better!! Falls more into the gift of real giving category, right?!

Hi:

Never posted to you before but I'm glad things are going well for you.

Read your comments about rekindling the honeymoon passion and thought I'd mention two books (in case you haven't heard about them.) How about some bedtime reading to go along with the new mattress? Light Her Fire (and Light His Fire) both have suggestions on building passion. Also, just started reading Marital Lust (assembled by Redbook magazine editor based on interviews with men and women). Very interesting information!

Another fun book idea along those lines is "52 nights of great sex" by Laura Corn (or a new one she just put out called the "Great American Sex diet"). They are fun books. It has these cute sealed envelopes (some for her eyes only and some for his eyes only) which are invitations you send your mate, and involves one of the partners setting up a whole fantasy/ date. A little explicit, but pretty tasteful, really.

Will go nicely with the new mattress.

LeeP

jj,

That's great news. Good job! You can't stop your W from coming 'all the way back' now, just try and keep her away (grin).

You're going to experience the snowball effect from her for a while. A good thing. Time to really open the doors of communication again. Roll with it, and continue to be her knight in shining armor.

Greg

[This message has been edited by gbon (edited 06-08-2001).]

JJ,
Great news! Sounds like you are on a solid path.

If OM comes by again. I would let him know how unwelcome he is. I think you know my opinion about OM's when they have the gonads to show up at YOUR door.

Lee & Violet - Thanks for the book suggestions. I already have Light Her Fire, have had it for quite a few years. After glancing through it again, I'm about 90% there on out-of-the-bedroom stuff. Hair-brushing, back rubs, foot rubs, shopping with her, cooking together, coffee in the morning, calling on the way home to see if she needs anything, etc., etc. I did get out of the habit, I guess, before I left, and am trying to be more aware of the "gifts of real giving". Seems like sometimes, though, when these things are done too regularly, they aren't appreciated as much. Trying to juggle with that one. Thanks for the other book suggestions, too. Will definitely look into them!!!

Kent - Thanks! I feel the same way, had to hold back my natural instincts when he came to the door, was about ready to FredG him!! He was smart enough to leave VERY quickly. W would have got his sympathy if I would have thumped him, I have several other ways to get his attention (all legal!) if the need arises.

Greg - Thanks for jumping in, haven't talked with you for a while. Still trying to follow your advice, seems to be working pretty well, don't you think? Tell me more about this "snowball effect". I think I know what you mean, and I might need some tips on how to avoid getting run over by it, if there's a possibility of that. Am still a bit cautious, but very encouraged, and thoroughly enjoying every good minute of it.

As for the knight-in-shining-armor thing, this is something I need to be cautious with, too. I did too much of this in the past, didn't work too well. Maybe it was more of a rescuer thing, I think, and it didn't do too much good for W's ego and feelings of self-worth. I think I may have done most of this with expectations of getting too much in return, which was the wrong thing to do, doesn't always happen. I had the wrong spirit to it, and the giver/taker thing got way out of balance. If you mean for me to be the one to take her along with me on a better path, to a happier place, a romantic place away from most of the crappy stuff in the world, this I'll do. She's ALWAYS loved the romance of the medieval period anyway!!

W saw OM yesterday, doesn't sound like he's taking it very well. I'm not positive, but it sounds like she may have given him the original letter she wrote, and left things kind of open-ended. I have mixed feelings about this, her actions that I see and words she is saying are showing that she really is through with him. Maybe she's still a bit confused, maybe scared of committing either way. I DO know that she is the type of person that's hesitant about hurting anybody's feelings (except mine, sometimes), and doesn't want to crush him? She's more of a rescuer than I am, very co-dependent, and feels she needs to save people. She goes for the underdog, nobody else likes him. He started getting his life back together when he was with her (?), she's worried that he's gonna screw up big time again without her. Don't know where I should take this one, probably just back-off and let things happen on their own. It just kinda sucks dealing with the fall-out after she sees him. She did tell me that she saw him, but I would have known anyway from her mood if she hadn't of told me. I want to tell her that it would be more fair to him, to us, if she made it more clear to him that things were over between them, to leave absolutely no doubt in his mind. Maybe she's still not ready for that yet, herself. I hope that someday she is. I'm pretty sure he'll be doing enough begging, whining, crying, pleading, blowing up in anger, etc., to make this happen without my intervention.

I'm looking forward to a great weekend, hope you all have one, too!!!!

Hey, gang! Had a pretty good weekend, we spent all day Sunday lazing around, tubing and munching. Was good quality time for W and me.

Monday was a gray day for W. When I came home, she needed some space, so I gave it to her. I guess I gave her too much space, she started pursuing later. She instigated an OR talk, seems she left a note from OM out on the counter, his reply to her letter to him. I was in a subdued mood, she asked if I'd seen it, and I denied it at first. I later admitted to it, and that started the dialog. I told her that from what he wrote, it sounded like she'd left things pretty open-ended with him, that it didn't seem like she was ready to commit to OR. I told her that for us to move forward, I needed for her to be sure that things were over between them, with no regrets. She assured me that she was sure, I was the one she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. No one ever made her feel as good about herself. Her self-esteem was at a low, she sometimes felt like she didn't deserve me. He added nothing to her life, he didn't know how to love, she'd have to give up everything to be with him, including kids, family and friends. Especially me. She didn't want to do that. He was more like a small child to her with the way he is. She feels dirty about what happened, and isn't sure how to get over that part of it right now.(BTW, his letter was very rambling, very pathetic, very controlling. I'll have to thank him if I ever see him again.)

We talked about a lot of the past, like how before I left, she felt smothered by our relationship, like I didn't trust her, didn't want her to see anyone. I told her that it may have been my insecurities, we never had any "us" time, I felt like I was unimportant to her. We talked about the last night she disappeared, and I asked her to let me know when she needed some "W" time like that, and I'd have no problem with it, just let me know. I never asked where she was, she was curious about what I did that night and the next day, I was pretty vague about it. We rehashed a lot of the past, not in a bad way, but I think we really listened to how the other person felt about things that happened. She wants me to promise that when something's bothering me, I'll talk to her about it instead of holding it inside.

The conversation turned to my LF, seems this relationship may have scared my W. She knows her fairly well, and she asked a lot of questions. There's still some unasked questions there, but she knows how close we've been, and this makes her a bit nervous.

The end of the conversation was geared towards us talking about the positive things that have been happening between us. We came up with many things. She assured me again that things were over between her and OM, and she was willing to do anything to regain my trust, to regain US. This was my house, my bed, and she didn't want his ghost living here with us. I told her that it would take some time, and for us to keep doing what we're doing now.

I shudder when I think about how this talk could have turned out a year ago. I do believe that our time apart did us good, and helped us make some changes and come to some realizations. Now it's a matter of keeping those changes going, right?! There's still a long way to go, but it looks like things are heading in the right direction.

OK, so if anybody's out there right now, I need to vent.

W was MIA again, all afternoon, for both D and me. Her cell phone's screwed up, she can talk but can't hear. I got home earlier than usual, tried to call her, but no answer. She returned my call shortly after, was from a private name and number. Left a message, said she was over at her sister's earlier, and everything was alright. Couldn't help myself, drove by OM's house, and there her car was.

Can't face her tonite, had to leave. Packed up my toiletries, came back here to work, where I have a couch I can crash-out on. Part of me thinks I did wrong by leaving the house, but as I said, I don't think I could DB just right at the moment. Got a call from D's cell just a bit ago, didn't answer, and there was no message. I'm gonna stay here all night, and not answer my phone. I don't know what else to do.

I'm tired of this BS right now, I feel she either needs to commit to OR, or go shack-up with him. The choice is hers, I'll be fine either way.

I ran again, I'm not sure if it was right or wrong, but I saw bad things happening if I stayed. I think that right now, I just need to calm down, and deal with this with a clear head tommorrow.

I just have to wonder what the hell's going through her head right now (besides air!). Hopefully, I'll find out tommorrow.