Quote: Certainly most of us present the situation in a light favorable to ourselves because it is human nature to believe in our own good intentions
Why yes I am sure maybe we do. But I think I have said this many times on here that I am working on me. Because I do admit I have had many mistakes or behaviors that needed to change. I would also love it if my husband got on here.
I did write my husband a letter and told him I felt he was wrong. I told him he could try to justify it all he wanted to but it would never make it right or okay. I told him I felt something was going on with him that I didn't understand. I told him if he wants to walk away then it will be all on him. That I wouldn't do that. I am commited to trying to make this marriage work. I told him I would pray for him and our family. I explained my lack of a sex drive as best I could. I told him the next step would have to be from him. I would just silently love him. If he needed me I am only an arms lenght away. I said much more in it in detail. But that day he seemed like he didn't feel well. He acted nicely towards me and when he left for work he gave me a kiss. Today he made a comment about possibly seeing a doctor. He said maybe I need some Valium. I didn't say anything. Tonight he left for work and was kind of like hesitating and made a comment like twice that he was leaving. Almost like he wanted me to come and give him a kiss. I just can't bring myself to do that. I just can't.
The issue IMPO isn't whether or not a woman/man has the right to have a friend of the opposite sex.....the issue is what did you do when you H voiced his concerns about your male friend? Did you listen to him and take some appropriate steps to quell his concerns...or did you get defensive and say something like....(I have the right to have whoever I choose for a friend whether you like it or not.)?
It all comes down to appearances IMHO. If my H had a female friend that I knew he spent some time with and knew they were close....and lets say for some reason I just was uncomfortable with that friendship...perhaps my H's tone of voice or facial expression changed when talking about this person. Lets say I voiced a concern about this "friendship" to my H and he just phoo-phooed me off...you know what that would do in me? Make me wonder what's up with him and his "friend". It would begin fostering suspicion in me. It's not a stretch at all for me to believe your H would react in a similar manner.
However...as I've said before, if your H is cheating (and I really hope he's not)....that's all on him. Nothing you can do can MAKE him cheat. However, I'm going to respectfully disagree with HP about the condoms and game-playing. I don't think he bought them for you to find....my gut just says his defensive behavior + condoms = BIG TROUBLE. Keeping your eyes/ears open, looking through cell phone/credit card bills etc is only a smart thing to do at this point. It will either tell you that he truly is stepping out on your M....or it will give you the peace of mind of knowing he's not doing that.
Cally Have you ever thought that maybe your H is looking for some sort of emotional response from you? You sound somewhat like my H to tell you the truth. Not a lot of sexual drive and very "calm." That is your own word. Are you telling me you are truly not angry after what you found out? Surprisngly I am calm. I don;t know if you got the impression that I was raging and full of anger. But like I said I am calm and praying for him. I wrote him quite a long letter and told him I am praying for him.
Huh? That just seems like an....odd...reaction to this situation. Maybe it would do some good to let some of that anger out. Who knows, it might even increase your sex drive in the long run. You guys seem to be lacking intimacy more than anything else.
Quote: Have you ever thought that maybe your H is looking for some sort of emotional response from you?
He could be. But why not just say it. I would be willing to try and meet my husbands needs. But he never states what his needs are. Why try to anger someone or hurt them in this way. If he wantd something or of something was bothering him then he should say so.
Quote: Are you telling me you are truly not angry after what you found out?
See I know it is possible and am keeping eyes and ears open. But in my heart I guess I don't believe he is having an affair. Part of me believes he wouldn't have the confidence to.
Quote: You guys seem to be lacking intimacy more than anything else.
For 9-10 years he was the LD. Now I am. I never thought I could ever be LD. It has even been a month and in the past I would have gone crazy. But it is the furthest thing from my mind.
Quote: the issue is what did you do when you H voiced his concerns about your male friend?
He never voiced his concerns that is the thing. He never said stop hanging around him or talking to him. He never said it angered him or even bothered him in the slightest bit.
I will continue to watch. Just like today he was an hour late. Which is out of the norm. He said he had a class.
He could be. But why not just say it. I would be willing to try and meet my husbands needs. But he never states what his needs are. Why try to anger someone or hurt them in this way. If he wantd something or of something was bothering him then he should say so.
How many times have we read/posted on here that we want our spouse to do something without us having to ask for it? It's VERY possible he's wanting a reaction out of you that he views as sincere.....asking for it and then you giving it as we've almost all said on here, doesn't generally come across as sincere.
Also, don't short-change your H on whether or not he'd have an A. What you are doing is putting blinders on yourself. It doesn't take self-confidence to have an A...all it takes is looking for something you aren't receiving.....and having someone available that fills that void.
See I know it is possible and am keeping eyes and ears open. But in my heart I guess I don't believe he is having an affair. Part of me believes he wouldn't have the confidence to.
Speaking from some experience here Cally, I think that last statement is going to bite you in the azz sooner or later. I'm sure your H can sense that attitude in you if you haven't flat out said it to him. It's insulting frankly. I used to have similar thoughts about my H but I think that it kills the attraction for sure. I'm certainly not surprised to hear you are now LD if you are having such feelings about him. A less than confident man is simply not attractive.
I guess if I wanted a sincere reaction from my husband but one that was loving I would buy hima gift or do something nice.
I am just confused as to what the heck kind of sincere reaction would he expect by me finding condoms. Maybe he wanted my reaction to be to walk away so he wouldn't have to. I don't want to short change him. In the back of my mind I know it is possible. I just know how secretive my husband can be when he wants to. This was just blatant and out there way to easily for me to find. It is almost like he wanted to send a signal or a message. I know it has to throw him for a loop that I don't initiate or talk about sex at all. It is a complete 180 from the person I use to be.
Perhaps he wanted a sincere reaction that it would hurt you if he did that...I don't know really. My comment was made more in response to your "why not just tell me" response to LFL. Far too often this dynamic occurs in R's....where we want something of our spouse or SO, but don't speak up because we just want them to do it....because then it means more to us.
IMPO (even though you haven't asked for it LOL)....you two need to sit down and have a serious talk. I would avoid accusing him of having an A (because if he is that will drive it further underground)....but simply ask him. "If putting a condom in your wallet was a test, why are you testing me? What did you hope to achieve by planting a condom of all things in your wallet? (or something non-agressive like that).
I would have absolutely freaked out if I'd have found a condom and a receipt for pack of them in my H's wallet. Cally....I cannot see any good reason why this was done, that's just my honest opinion. I silentl freaked out one time when I found condoms in my H's underwear drawer. Fortunately for him though I noticed the expiration date on them....he'd bought them before he even met me.
From what I remember of your sitch several months ago, you were hanging out with a man who directly told you he was interested in you. You H was sending off very clear signals (at least to me) that he did not like that and he was jealous. You justified your relationship then by saying the same thing you say now, that you see no reason why men and women cannot be friends. That may be true theoretically, but in real life it is absurd. I tried to impress on you the problems that would occur but you did not seem to want to hear my point of view. I suspect your H felt exactly the same frustration with you.
So he decided to communicate with you in a way that you might understand a little better. The subtle approach did not work so he has whacked you with a 2x4. I see this as no one’s fault but your own. As long as you keep you blinders on and refuse to acknowledge your own faults, he will keep upping the ante. At some point he will stop the game and simply leave. That is the pattern we see repeated over and over again. There is nothing different in your marriage.
Now you are all in a tizzy because he has turned the table on you, doing to you what you have done to him. I know, there was nothing sexual to your friendship, but your H does not really know this or trust what you say, just as you do not know if there is anything going on with him. As I recall, he played the alpha male quite well, not showing jealousy, staying above your games, giving you enough rope to hang yourself. The alpha male will only tolerate so much, then WHAM, he drops the hammer.
The fact of the matter is that you have a strong ego, somewhat akin to Heather. You do not want to be told what to do, you do not want to be beholding to your H, you want to rule the roost. This alpha female behavior does not sit well with alpha males.
You need to reevaluate your priorities in life. Do you want to call all the shots and control the household? If so you better go find a meek timid man you can control and who will obey your every command. If you want to keep your H then you better learn to hear what he is saying, to read between the lines, and stop focusing on only your needs.
Your current problems come from a lack of respect for your H. It has nothing to do with an affair or interest in other women. He respected you, you did not respect him. So now the consequence. The question is, what are you willing to do to turn this around?
I didn't say anything. Tonight he left for work and was kind of like hesitating and made a comment like twice that he was leaving. Almost like he wanted me to come and give him a kiss. I just can't bring myself to do that. 
