I see what you're saying....and maybe I'm looking at it from the wrong point of view. Point well taken, because in all honesty, I suppose my W has gone through a tremendous episode of personal growth over the past couple of years. Before the bomb drop, she defnitely was much more confident about herself and a lot more outgoing. Obviously that entails a great deal of growth for her. Here, I was narrow-mindedly defining growth only in the context of our R.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Quote: Here, I was narrow-mindedly defining growth only in the context of our R.
Not to sound like a pitch man for PM, especially since I have not really read much of it, this is where there are a LOT of similarities between it and DB. They both deal with the understanding that growth OUTSIDE the context of the marriage is helpful and necessary in promoting growth INSIDE the marriage. Not to say that there needs to be "extramarital" things going on, but just, as DB says, GAL, things that we, as individuals, want, need and get from the world at large and then share with out spouses.
In this sense, I see that my W has grown a great deal. She has found that she needs to experience life in it's entirety and won't settle for living 24/7 in the bubble of our marriage. The problem is that she didn't/doesn't realize that you CAN have it all. You CAN have a full life WITHIN the context of a marriage, you just have to want to and then you have to learn how to. I think it's this last "learning how to" part I fear my W will lag behind on because she won't read or see anyone but you know what, I will lead by example I guess and in true DB fashion, hope that is enough to affect REAL change.
Quote: She has found that she needs to experience life in it's entirety and won't settle for living 24/7 in the bubble of our marriage. The problem is that she didn't/doesn't realize that you CAN have it all. You CAN have a full life WITHIN the context of a marriage, you just have to want to and then you have to learn how to.
Amen!! I think that statement captures it as far as my H goes. I think thru my DB'ing efforts he is starting to see that you CAN have it all (just not the OW - lol).
Just a little down today. I have been thinking a LOT about "us" and how there doesn't seem to be any progress. I ALMOST initiated a R talk tonight and in hindsight, should have but all that happened was that W noticed that I was in a mood. I really was not in a bad mood, just feeling strange around her because there is still no intimacy, no affection, no nothing. In the end, I decided NOT to R talk because she is still in the midst of all her DUI stuff and even though it is mostly over (she plead no contest and will receive the minimum sentence allowed), she is still coming down off the stress that she's been feeling. So, back to tonight, one time as I walked past her she just blurted out "What's wrong?" Now, realize I had already decided NOT to R talk.
W: What's wrong? M: (kept walking around the corner) Nothing, why. W: (didn't reply right away) M: Why do you ask? W: I don't know, you're acting...well, like you usually do but worse. (OUCH!!!) M: Sorry. I am just thinking a lot about us but you don't really want to get into that do you? W: No. M: Ok...(walked back upstairs)
That was it. Actually, my mood lifted at that point. She needed help with a computer issue and when I went down, I had my best "happy guy" mood on. She seemed to let the earlier mood go and our interaction was good.
It WAS strange for neither of us to pursue the other in that situation. More strange for me because even though she said she didn't want to talk, usually I would have just started talking anyway. I THINK the way I handled it was fine. I was honest and direct with her about what was "wrong" and when she said she didn't want to talk, I just let it go, truly.
I am just getting SO impatient and that comment about me acting like I "usually do but worse" really stung. Maybe I am not so changed as I think. Actually, I know my anger around the kids is creeping back, but then again, so is W's so maybe it's not just me.
Anyway, I need to get back to the basics. Somehow I think over the past few weeks, and I posted about this before, I have regressed a bit (or a lot) and have gotten somewhat comfortable. I don't want to be comfortable until my situation warrants it and it clearly does not (and even then, I don't think comfortable is where I really want to live).
Yes, OM is gone (I think) but my W is NOT back in any real sense. I can't help but feel like I am doing something wrong but then again, that part of me that has guided me to pretty good results, tells me that I AM still doing the right thing by not really doing anything at all.
I see each day as progress of some sort but these days, that progress is much harder to see.
All in all, I know my sitch is light-years ahead of where it was and also much better than a lot of yours so in that respect, I feel somewhat bad complaining. Maybe that's why people move to piecing...Anyway, bitch session over for now.
