Ok, so here's where I am today. I think I am realizing that my campaign to "raise the intimacy level" in my sitch is not really working, or if it is, I can't really see it. Aw hell, I'll be honest and admit that I am just getting tired of not having sex or getting affection from W. I know things are getting "easier" between W and I but I see not much evidence that she is getting closer to being totally ok with our physical interaction. I sense that there is some part of her that is simply going along with it because she doesn't want to offend me or hurt me any more than she thinks she already has. I also DO think there is a part of her that DOES want me to touch her but that part is not really ready to take over.
So, I think I have a few options. First, I could just continue with this course of action, hoping that eventually, she will participate more and things will escalate on their own (with a little help from me, lol).
I could just stop what I am doing and see what happens.
I could tell W that I was going to stop initiating "touching" because I didn't feel like it was appropriate, or that she wanted it right now.
OR I could ASK her how she felt about my touching her and if she wanted it to continue or not.
I tend to think the last option may be best in my sitch because I want to foster an openness about intimacy and let her know that not only do I want her to talk about it with me, I want to be able to with her as well.
Of course, this is my impatience talking and maybe I need to do none of the above and just wait longer since the signs are there, albeit hard to see sometimes, that she's warming up to me. Lots more hugs initiated by her, and lots more asking to have her legs rubbed, which is a bit more intimate than a back rub to her. She IS getting more comfortable but I just want to also make sure we are not falling back into the same old routine of nightly back rubs and once-a-monthly ML. That won't work for me but I think this is one part of the R that I can't simply tell her I need more, I need to entice/attract her so she WANTS more, yea?
I think this all started because I actually have begun to ask her things. Like the other night I asked her when I was going to be able to touch her in some way that was NOT a back rub, and that I really wanted to. She didn't respond. Last night I kissed her on the cheek and wispered in her ear that I was GOING to kiss her sooner or later, it was just a matter of time. She giggled but still turned and walked away. Also last night W had me talk to a friend of hers (the GF that I think knows the whole story) about a computer issue. As W was handing me the phone, she said, "he wishes" and I asked her what that was about. She said that GF said "He needs to roll off you and talk to me" with a laugh. W was still giggling when she handed me the phone. I took it as a good thing that W could joke and laugh about this stuff when before, the very subject of intimacy between us was off limits and would make her get quiet.
In each case, it was mostly said lightly and responded to lightly but I think it's "out there" right now. The last thing I really want is to put undue pressure on her which again, is another reason why I am thinking I may need to do something different. Maybe I am wrong and I just need to stay the course because what I am doing these days is EXACTLY what I want to do, and almost EXACTLY what she said we were missing in our lives, daily, non-sexual physical intimacy. Hmmmmm.
So, she hugs me more, asks me to touch her more, pulls away less when I kiss her neck or back but still makes it clear that she's not ready for more than that. Do I wait or try what's behind door #3?
I think that you should talk to her about it. But don't push the issue...if she doesn't want to talk let it go. You don't want to back her into a corner and destroy any progress you've made.
GH, what about doing a 180 and not touching her for a week? If you tease her and are playful with her, but with nothing too sensual, you might just build up such a tension that she jumps you before the week is out.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
RB, that was kinda my thought. Knowing my W, it would not go a day without her asking me why I was in a bad mood or something. She would take it as punishment (go figure, then I guess I have been punished our entire marriage) if I for some reason stopped my touching her.
Anyway, like I said, my thougts too. I think some combination of talking to her and taking some action is the right plan. I will keep thinking about it.
GH - One of the things I remember well from dating and being with my wife that was very consistent woman to woman is the "lingering in your embrace" time - it was a good indicator of how far they might want to go at that time. A couple other things - speak very softly, but in a mature voice, to see if it draws her closer. Also, see if she moves her body under your hands - if she's very still, it's an indicator she doesn't want to go further. I don't mean these to be "tricks", just a way of checking the water before jumping in - you're right to go slow, even though it's hard [difficult a better term? ].
Writing this is tough - you can imagine what I'm thinking....
Quote: I don't mean these to be "tricks", just a way of checking the water before jumping in - you're right to go slow, even though it's hard [difficult a better term? ].
Yes, I know what you mean, and that is really interesting stuff to think about.
To make this a little quiz...
Lingering in your embrace: She lingers longer now than she did a month ago, or really a year ago but still not as long as I'd like. She also sometimes makes little noises to communicate she likes it more than she used to.
Moves her body under your hands: Hmmmm, not much. She is pretty still most of the time. I do get this though and now that you bring it up, I realize that I already knew this and was looking for it. One of the surest signs my W used to want ML was her movments and such. I knew when she was still that it was just going to be a back rub or hug and that's about it. I wonder if I ever really KNEW this or if I just realized it?
Thanks for the advice. I will keep those things in mind.
Quote: RB, that was kinda my thought. Knowing my W, it would not go a day without her asking me why I was in a bad mood or something. She would take it as punishment (go figure, then I guess I have been punished our entire marriage) if I for some reason stopped my touching her.
That's why I said to be playful about it. Make it a game and tell her that she doesn't get a backrub unless she gives you a real kiss. Tease her and make it fun and she won't think it's punishment.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Funny, I have been doing that a lot in the last couple days. I haven't been doing it long enough to judge if she likes it for sure but I can look back to earlier in the sitch when I was doing that and she seemed to respond well. So maybe it's option #1...keep at it and see what happens.
GH - A couple more - is she comfortable with you seeing her undressed to the degree (or close) that you did in the past? How about seeing YOU step out of the shower? Does she remark on how you smell - cologne, soap, anything? I've found that to be a big trigger with almost all women - when they notice and mention it, it's not "casual". I think RB has a point too - you aren't her best friend, you're her husband, and being a little playful/teasing can break the ice. People are so tense in these situations that you can both REALLY want to and still not - it's tough. In a more mild situation in the past, following a fight, how did you make up? Passionately, or by the Nike plan (just do it, then the ice was broken)? You aren't TOTALLY the same people, but you're close... Good luck...
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