Me2 - Hi. I'm not familiar with the Meyer/Briggs test but am curious now. When I wrote that above reply I really wasn't being strong - just angry and rebellious. I was mad at myself for interpreting H's outercore kind actions as meaning something it did not. He can be outercore kind, but feel hollow at the same time. (He admitted again to feeling hollow).
In between this reply and the above, I told H I wanted him to leave (as in separate), and I told him keeping me in limbo, not wanting a divorce yet saying he is unable to connect with anyone, is emotionally abusive and selfish. I have NEVER been so bold to say such things to him. That was a 180 for me. I don't regret my words but did regret how it was said. And the biggest regret of all was to apologize to him after...because by doing so, he knows he still has a hold on me. I cried wolf and he caught it. And therefore, he will not bend over backwards to try and keep me - because he does not believe, imo, that I am going anywhere right now. He would have gone to the seminar with me if he felt I meant it.
Also, since I wrote that above reply I understand him a whole lot better. He opened up to me about him - which is a step in the right direction. (Michele says I need to praise him when he does good - and I really haven't done that enough.) I see H differently because he confided things to me he has never confided to anyone before, and can approach him in a softer manner now.
Learning all that I have is the way to piece my marriage back...but want "a new marriage" - I don't want the old one back and doubt he would either.
Me2 you said:
"But I have lost all of my believed self confidence where H and my marriage is concerned"
I hope Me2, you go in and out of that thought - I know I do but with time, my confidence is growing and the "something must really be wrong with me" is being replaced with "he has issues that block his ability to appreciate me." It's been an obsession of mine to figure out things and even though I say I'm tired of it, I'm just too obsessed to quit trying to figure it out. But this helps me to rise above the situation - posting/replying as much as I have works for me. (I used to feel like a failure for being here so much. But that thought is ridiculous to me now.) I couldn't have received the help had I not. Wise DBers have helped me get to this point - one told me that I'm further on my journey than my H - and just thinking that way helps me feel better about me. I hope you find that your ups on the rollercoaster are occuring more often.
After going to Michele's KLA seminar yesterday, it really helped put my mind on the right track again - maybe I can't change how I feel but I can change my actions in response to how I feel.
Me2 - wise DBers have said it's not good to keep track of what our spouses do and don't do; because it's like competing...and I see that now. Maybe though we can compete with ourselves by not allowing our interpretations of how our spouses treat us affect our self worth.
I am a better person for this whole experience and hope the marriage will follow suit.
"Maybe though we can compete with ourselves by not allowing our interpretations of how our spouses treat us affect our self worth."
I can almost feel myself cringing when I perceive him looking at me in a certain way-usually after we argue about something, or he is being particularly quiet, I have taken to asking him what he is feeling at those particular moments, and usually it is not at all what I perceived. This is good, and a step in the righ direction.
OK, so don't think for them, don't assume you know what they are thinking. Fine, I will endeavor NOT to do that, I believe that I have gotten much better about this and I have good days and bad days (they are not all so gloomy)....BUT (and here's the kicker):
What am I supposed to think when if I don't assume I know what he's thinking, but he will not tell me what he is thinking about me and us, where does that leave me?? He will admit to thinking something-he just can't tell me...he says..."oh, I don't know, nothing really" and is so darn abmiguious and vague it makes me want to scream. He says in therapy that he knows his silence makes me nuts and that is mostly why he does it-he uses it as a weapon. C then asked why he is so angry with me-and why all the resentment towards me. He was shocked-said he wasn't really (what's up with his use of that word..."really"...?). I think control is another biggie for him, one that he will not admit to tho, C and I have suggested it, that he likes to control me, the situation, our marriage...etc., he denys any desire to control, however, in his job/profession-he is used to controlling most things and many people.....hm, I see a similarity there, I wonder why he does not.
I know there is more going on inside his head then he can let out-I need to find creative ways to deal with things while I wait.(?) I just hope I don't get too sick of waiting-or he finds another outlet (like he claims OW was just "someone to talk to"-yeah, sure...and he just sort of fell on her and had sex too, huh).
Resentful? You bet. Maybe I wouldn't be if I didn't care or didn't want him to talk to me HIS WIFE.
He gave my "job" away without my consent and it pisses me off.
And so the roller coaster continues....H just called and we are "ok"-had a good chat..like we usually do.
Hi folks! Still having a few significant problems with myself (adjusting to meds? wrong meds?), but I'm doing much better about detaching lovingly from my h. A couple of times, I could see on his face that I finally accomplished some real 180s! Hallelujah! Persistence pays...progress continues! Still have a lot to learn but my name could now legitimately change to something like "learning". I'm headed to the 180 section to try to improve my batting average!
Thought I'd bring up our story and give the update. There have been tough times but I've gotten through them better than ever. Frankly over the past year, even though I believe he didn't mean to, my H has broken my heart over and over and still doesn't understand how he was hurtful. The affair is a backdrop issue but the challenges have been very much in the present.
HOWEVER, I have come a long, long way in being centered in myself and handling disappointments with grace. It just may be that we are turning another corner and I do need to give credit where credit is due.
This year for our anniversary my H bought himself a wedding ring. He found his original ring uncomfortable and never wore it and he does fiddle with this one an awful lot but most of the time it's on his finger. Not sure if he'll ever keep it on long enough to make an indentation but he said some very sweet things about feeling good wearing it. I'm braced for him to end up taking it off but who knows maybe he'll keep it on.
I just read about the Retrouvaille program and I'd love to try it. My W and I are separated but getting along well on a friendship level. We have two munchkins between us and maybe that's the only reason she maintains that relationship with me..I'm not really sure. I love her dearly but I'm afraid to ask her to attend a Retrouvaille weekend. What if she sees me pressuring her and pulls away again?
My thread is here if you want to read up on my situation my story so far
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
God Bless
[ October 30, 2001: Message edited by: hopeful_monkey ]
I've promoted myself. I think alottolearn has graduated to learning2. As in learning too and as in learning to.
Here's a few things I've been learning to lately:
learning to enrich my life all by itself without reference to my H.
closely related, learning to be cognizant of the many more important things to think about than OR.
learning to accept that while I'm not going to have a marriage that is everything I'd have liked it to be, there are still many aspects to be thankful for.
learning to appreciate that my H and I have very different but equally valid views on ourselves each other and OR (not to mention values, goals, needs, etc.)
learn to be realistic about what he is likely to do and what I'm likely to do.
learning to focus on doing what I do better (find solutions).
learning to handle the difficult days and to have confident that time heals (even if some of us are slow healers).
learning to treasure the peaceful days...Yes, now there are whole days that are peaceful and happy.
learning to trust myself that whatever the future holds I can handle it (with a little help from my friends).
but he said some very sweet things about feeling good wearing it. I'm braced for him to end up taking it off but who knows maybe he'll keep it on.