My bf's twin daughters graduated from high school on Sunday. They are both adorable-- not sassy, not disrespectful, both very smart. Both work and both have scholarships to college. They are so mature and "together" that I have to remember when I talk to them that they are only 17! I relate to them as peers intellectually; emotionally, I'm like an aunt or older friend (although last year they gave me a Mother's Day card!)
Had an interesting convo last night. I know I promised not to talk R stuff, but it just came up (you'll understand why in a minute). Anyway, a lot of the same ground we have already covered was covered again. That doesn't surprise me because we are in a holding pattern right now and frankly I don't have the energy to bust out at this time. Got too much work to do, and not enough sleep with the 3 under 3 kids. I haven't given up though, and will tackle it when my schedule frees up later this summer. Anyway, one new train of thought came out. I mentioned something to her about just taking it easy for awhile, focus on getting our lives a little more in order, then come back to it after she finished nursing. She said that she hates how I am always commenting on how things will get better when she stops nursing. She said "you have told me this is our last child, and so this is my last chance to experience having an infant and nursing. I really like the fact that he depends on me so much, and I won't get to experience that again. It bothers me that you are looking forward to the end of this positive experience for me." I thought of many things to say, but mostly just listened and tried to understand. I did say that I really want her to depend on me for things, need me, want me, etc., so I can understand to a degree why she feels such attachement to this stage (although I am NOT looking for a nursing-mother/child R with my W, LOL).
I am leaving for 3 weeks to do workshops. I will be able to check a few times, but as I won't be using my computer, I probably shouldn't be traipsing around on message boards, LOL. These workshops are the same ones that the EA happened in last year, so I am fighting quite a bit of trepidation about triggered depression. My C just said be aware of the possibility and take it one day at a time. Focus on how much progress I have made and instill in myself a desire not to lose it all. We'll see. As you can imagine, me leaving for this has triggered some feelings in my W as well, which is what initiated the R convo. It started when I said "I'll miss you" and she responded "I hope so."
Wish me luck. I love you all.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Just a note. Sorry about not responding to all the posts, and there have been some good ones. I have read everything though and really appreciate the advice. I think I am willing to let the nursing thing go and not fight it now. However, I will be making it clear that we will NOT be substituting another excuse when the nursing is over (barring of course some major health problem).
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Quote: I think I am willing to let the nursing thing go and not fight it now. However, I will be making it clear that we will NOT be substituting another excuse when the nursing is over (barring of course some major health problem).
From one wimpy nerd to another, I gotta tell you I think this way of thinking is a big mistake. You are like the old west sheriff who is cowering in his office telling himself that he'll shine up his badge and make a stand someday, but just not now while the bad*ss Lactation Gang is still riding through town. If you don't fight this gang, there will just be a different one to fight later on and in the meantime things can only get worse.
Do you think that your wife would feel better or worse about you going to your conferences if she had managed to break through her LD breastfeeding hang-up and give you a lot of good loving before you take off? Why didn't you do whatever was necessary to make this happen?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Chrome, Firstly, have fun on your trip! I'm sure it will trigger a lot of memories but stay strong...rely on the inner strength you've gathered over the last year and you will come through even stronger.
Secondly, your wife is pulling a very common chick trick. She is trying to box you in, via guilt trips.
Instead of telling her how you want her to rely on YOU that way, you can pull a blackfoot on her and say "Woman, don't try to box me in. I didn't say I was *exclusively* looking forward to the end of nursing. I can look forward to the end and also enjoy the fact that this is our last nursing baby at the same time." All of it said with a sly smile, of course.
Because all of that is true. I know you are a good father and husband and love to see your W bonding with the kids. Sometimes I wonder if you have a little irrational jealousy of the kids (I wouldn't blame you at all, have gone through that myself) that she might see, but you sound like a person who wears their feelings on their sleeve so she would not be able to argue with the No Box statement. You love your kids AND your wife and it's apparent to even a virtual friend, like myself.
Have a good one! Coffeepot, ooops I mean honey...I've had a cup too many today.
Hey Chrome 3 weeks. Yikes. No stops home at all in that time? I'm sure your W will have her hands full. I found her comments interesting. My take on it is that she CLEARLY knows how unhappy you are in the R. The "I hope so" comment was a little snotty but really I think she is worried. Has she said ANYTHING about you seeing the OW at these workshops? I find that really odd if the answer is no but I'm not her, so.... Anyways, not sure what to say about the nursing/baby bonding thing. Can't really relate to that either. I never mourned them getting older. Always just looked forward to the next stage. But she clearly feels like you are raining on her parade from her comments. Maybe she is confused why you don't feel the same way? Not sure. You guys are on different planets it seems like with some of these issues. I just don't know what to say about the whole thing. But you'll be in my thoughts. Have a good trip. Stay out the trouble.
Quote: You are like the old west sheriff who is cowering in his office telling himself that he'll shine up his badge and make a stand someday, but just not now while the bad*ss Lactation Gang is still riding through town. If you don't fight this gang, there will just be a different one to fight later on and in the meantime things can only get worse.
I understand your point, but this appears to be awfully insensitive to her situation. He shouldn't be so demanding to the point of irritating a woman who is dealing with an awful lot of hormones, emotions, uncertainty, etc.. (whether she is making excuses for her LD doesn't matter. The breast feeding and dealing with 3 under 3 is a very real strain for any woman and needs to be acknowledged as such.) He can express his wishes for a better SL in a more postitive and loving way than simply seeing it as an old west street fight. Nonetheless, your point about Chrome needing to clarify what he wants in the M is good and I recommend doing so, but would look at it differently.
Quote: Why didn't you do whatever was necessary to make this happen?
Are you talking about making sex happen? If it were only so easy they wouldn't be where they are, and/or the resentment from her for this attitude will likely further damage the R. Saying what you want in the R is one thing, making "it" happen is another.
D@mn, the depression is hitting me really hard. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Guilt over what I have done. Guilt over feelings I still have. Too many triggers. What is making it worse is the obvious signs of attraction I am seeing in all the women around me here Blackfoot you taught me too well how to read that stuff. The fact that I don't see it in the one woman I REALLY want to see it in just hurts me all the way to my core. I know I am partially responsible for it not being there. When I am with her, my fire of hesitation burns bright. The fear of rejection due to years of rejection makes me hesitate, or not act congruently with my feelings, and that adds fuel to the fire. I must climb this mountain.
With other women I guess I don't have this running dialogue in my head anymore (do they like me or do they think I am lame/boring/ugly) and so I just act myself. But even without any intentional attempt at attraction, I see it develop. Its hard to describe, maybe just this overall "softening" in every manner of their being when they get near me, or talk to me, or listen to me. I don't know, maybe an unconscious attempt to project femininity? Ugh, it is too easy for it to be so hard at home.
I love my wife, I love my wife, I love my wife. I will stand with her for all time no matter what. I will be strong, I will be confident, no matter her response to me. I will be the best man I can be, for myself, for her, for my children.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
