Hey Mike..you are right to post here and try to calm down.You hit the nail on the head...classic distancer/pursurer stuff.
You need to back off as you can see how very well that works.It's like going fishing and you just about had her reeled in and you jerked the line.In other words you scared her off. I know you are angry and you have every right to feel hurt and disappointed,but keep those feelings away from her.
She loves and obviously wants you,but she continues to be ambivelant and you must realize this.Please don't personalize her insecurity..it is NOT about you,it is about HER.There is nothing rational in her behavior so don't draw any conclusions..just back off,be sweet,but mysterious and she'll come running again.However,let her be the one to finally "seal the deal"..OK.
You are doing great...you haven't lost much footing...just get right back to using "what's been working"...read the DB book again and take a deep breath! Jenny Baker
Wow Mike! It sounds like communication, and your wife's committment have significantly improved rather quickly? If so it is only natural that she would fall back into ambivolence. Now is your chance to solidify the wonderful changes you've made. Frankly, I can still get into a power struggle with my h and be in utter denial about it. It seems to make sense at the time. But, I'm getting better . When I first found this site I thought it would be impossible to follow the suggestions. Now I see the path so it's right foot, left foot and I'm getting more confident with the inevitable backslides coming less often. So here we go all together now: I will center, relax, and reach calmly and confidently for the patience I need for myself and my spouse, I know that I will fall down and so will my spouse, when this hapens, I will lovingly distance the bad stuff and without any perfectionistic stress relax and let kindness prevail for both of us.
Jenny & alot, thank you for your reponse you are both right, time to back off. however, right now i do feel a slight sense of set back as her attitude has changed considerably she has stopped calling except for every now and then which i guess is ok. But i must admit i did like the attention. The hard part is it is spring and i want to be in love. I will see her today because i go and pick up the kids on sunday. Any tips ? any one?
Hi Mike! Suggestions: ***Somehow..you must convey how happy you are and that you had a nice time away from "Dad/H" responsibilities. ***Tell her you are thinking about joining a travel club or some grp type of thing that you think will provide some diversion for you, when it's her turn to be with children. ***Tell her what a great mom she is and take off quickly...(make it short and sweet) ***If you can carry it off...wear a bit of women's cologne(not what she wears)or have a pair of ladies sunglasses in you pocket...say"oh these belong to someone from work". I don't endorse deception,but when you are trying to save marriage and family,sometimes you have to pull out all stops.
Have some fun Mike and relax..she'll be back! Jenny
hey Jenny, thanks for your suggestions. All and all the day went pretty well. We had a couple of touching moments when i took the kids back that evening. She told me "of course you know your welcome to spend the night, I know you don't like doing it any more but i wish you would." I very respectfully declined and told her that i loved her. she returned the sentiment. I now feel that if i am there all the time and she can access me at anytime, all the time, what incentive does she have to want us to move back together ( the old "why buy the cow when you get the milk free" theory) during the evening I could feel that we both enjoyed being with each other. We talked on the phone night before last when she called, had some pretty good laughs. this morning she called but i did not answer. She has not called tonight. I do not call very often unless it's to return a call. Tonight i did not call simply because i don't have anything to talk about, but i do miss her and the kids. It seems when i distance i get more honest and unadulterated communication and responses concerning her true feelings for me. When i call all the time sometimes she seems to get a little jaded. How far should i carry this distancing thing. Is it OK to call periodically to check on them or should stick to what i'm doing and just stay dark until she calls and then be sweet as if nothing is going on. Sometimes it's kinda hard, other times it's a pleasure. Then there are times when i feel very comfortable with the idea of us not getting back together. I am pretty lonely right now and would appreciate any feed back anyone is willing to give. mike g
Mike, You came to this forum for a reason. Usually, we find ourselves piecing once we feel we can communicate with our spouse in a positive and productive manner.
I'm wondering why you turned down your W's invite to stay. Presuming that your reason is a good one, why not use the opportunity of her extending the invitation as an opportunity to discuss the issue. Could she be holding back cus she senses you holding back?
I know that you, I and everyone else here have taken a beating about having OR discussions. The bottom line is that at some point you need to have them. The key is that they need to be positive and productive. As long as they head in that direction, we should have them occasionally.
I have reached the point where I am much craftier about slipping into an OR discussion. By the time W realizes we are having one, I already have my answer and it is over. I used to call her and tell her I needed an OR discussion, then took her to an appropriate location (or so I thought) and wondered why she was so up-tight.
My point in all this rambling is that OR discussions are necessary to reconcile. You need to figure out what works in regards to the details. Some of us reserve them for C sessions. That may be a good initial strategy. Unfortunately, the C is not a lifetime committment.
I admit that I don't know your entire saga, so excuse me if I'm a little slow getting started.
Just wanted to throw in my thoughts about OR talks. OR talks are bad at the beginning because of the way WE respond to them and because often at the beginning the s has their mind set and isn't budging at that point. Why would they, we haven't usually shown them any changes yet. I know every OR talk we had 6 months ago involved me crying and H was totally irrational with his response. Equals dead-end OR.
But now I think most of us in this forum are in a different position. Our s are beginning to open their eyes a little and we are not going to "lose it" because we're darn good db'rs now. It's ok if tears still come, if there's a tiny heated moment-we still have human emotions. But in the talks I now have with my h, I am rational and able to put myself in his shoes... and he's slowly getting there.
So I think the whole point of the OR is timing. When they leave, they're nuts and we're devestated-not good timing. Now we're all a little calmer and more open to hear both sides of the story. If you feel yourself react when they talk, keep your mouth shut or explain to them that while you want to discuss it, it does hurt like hell but you are grateful they're willing to share their deepest emotions with you and TRUST that you're not going to run the other direction.
Thank you guys for your replies, and of course your right and i do agree that OR's are necessary for reconciliation. what i am trying to get at is my availablity to her and the frequency of me initiating contact. For some strange reason it seems as though when i am not available all the time and do not initiate contact often that i get a better response or should i say a more desirable response. I think one of the reasons i am really desperate for feedback on this is that this little manuver also plays right into my control issues. I try to be sure that when i do it, it's not to punish or get back at her but to help me maintain peace of mind and some distance. Sometimes I catch myself not calling when i really want too. This was a good thing earlier in the separation but i'm not so sure about now. I do know that the more time I spend with her and the family the more likely I am to get frustrated because things go so smoothly it seems silly that we are still not living together again. If you can give me some feedback on your experiences in this area i would appreciate it. A big part of me says that i should do nothing to impede communication, then a part also says if give her everything she wants meaning; come when she says come and go when she says go and call all the time, this might prolong our moving back in together, not to mention get me caught up. Am i being irrational. I'm not calling right now even though i want too because i am confused about this issue.
hey Kent, according to my W, the reason we are not living together yet is because "she feels confined and unnatural using the tools of setting goals and benchmarks we learned in counseling. She just "wants it to happen naturally." (this is a quote) "I'm waiting for the piano to fall on my head." She says she wants to be married and loves me but wants to complete this process she's involved in but does'nt quite know what the process is, she can only describe it as growing up. So after spending the night on a very regular basis and daily close contact for about 2 months i began to get frustrated. we discussed it a couple of times continued the contact for another month and rather than go back into the frustration conversation i started going dim then dark. At first, she flat out paniced, calling every 5 minutes asking me what's wrong, assuming that i had totally given up. I stayed kind but less talkative. When i decided to call her she was very happy to hear from me and without prompting starting talking about hardcore plans to move back in. Like what am i bringing and changes WE need to make to the house. The minute the frequency of contact went back up she went back to her i'm not sure, happen naturally, piano on the head scenario. So you can probably see why i would be confused about this freqency of contact thing. I hope i answered your question. I looking forward to hearing from you. mike
. When I first found this site I thought it would be impossible to follow the suggestions. Now I see the path so it's right foot, left foot and I'm getting more confident with the inevitable backslides coming less often. So here we go all together now: I will center, relax, and reach calmly and confidently for the patience I need for myself and my spouse, I know that I will fall down and so will my spouse, when this hapens, I will lovingly distance the bad stuff and without any perfectionistic stress relax and let kindness prevail for both of us.
