I was thinking about something when Kent asked you why you are not at home yet, your reply was because your wife wants it happen naturally, fine, you agree that you cannot push her here and that it seems when you go dim/dark she seems to move faster.
I was wondering how long you 'courted' before you were married? I'm not trying to put a time constraint on this, but I'm guessing it was longer than 2-3 months.
I know it is hard, but patience and perserverance are going to be your strongest allies for now.
If she asks you to stay-stay. And sometimes it is ok to initiate - or let her initiate - an OR talk and tell her how you feel about the control issues, and like Heidi (Saturnh) said-try and place yourself in her place-and be cool-my H is amazed that I actually CAN be rational about my feelings!!
I keep repeating to myself 'what would I want from him if our roles were reversed?'
It has helped me/us.
Don't give up, be strong, you're on the right path!
Mike, My only thought was that it is easier to work on the R if you are at home. The cat and mouse game needs to end at some point.
Talk with your C about the pursuer/distancer effect you two are experiencing.
If W does not want you home, so be it. If this is true I think your idea of being dim is a good one. Let her see that there is a price to keeping you away.
L & KENT, thank you both for your feedback. L, My W and I were friends and business partners for almost 2 years before we became romantically involved. The tactic and issue of going dim and dark at this stage came as a result of me protecting me and my feelings. I suffer incredible sadness when i have to leave a wonderful evening and night with my wife and the kids. Everything is so harmonius i get confused about why we are still apart. the kids continually express their desire to have me and my daugther back home. sometimes it hurts just to ring the doorbell of the place you have known to be and is spiritually your home. I do not advocate moving back in at this moment. I do understand that it is a process, not an event. I would just like for us to make some more definite and / or defined moves in that direction. She did not change the locks until i had been gone for about three months and i never violated her space. I would feel real comfortable with having a key, or starting the work in the house that needs to be done to accomodate the necessary changes (my Wife has turned my daughters room into a study). Yes, we have discussed this and her reply "I understand how you feel" or " I don't feel comfortable with that" =s frustration on my part. I have been patient and I will try to continue with youse guys sharing your experience, strength, and hopes, with me. thank you Mike g
Mike, I'm just guessing, but W is probably afrain of slipping back into more of the same. Patience is the key here. Let W hold the control key on this issue. If you push her, it will be a backslide for sure.
Focus on how you can put W worry at ease. This does not include pumping her with OR conversations. I know it's hard but find a little piece of happiness right now. I'll bet W can detect your unhappy feelings and they translate into stress and pressure for her.
Mike Can you answer a question for me?My W has said that she isn't ready to date yet but I can see a change,she is much more pleasant to be around and has calmed down.Did your wife do any of these things and how long did it take you to get back to spending time together?
THIS IS A GOODY, KENT you are truly the voice of reason. My every atom feels that you are absolutely right.
Randy Kent has answered both our questions. When I first started to see a change i had to remember the baby steps concept. I say this to you as I remind myself; Relax and enjoy the re-found pleasentness, hang out with your friend some( the friend thing happened before we became husband and wife again, now she readily refers to herself as my wife). Be there for her, don't be judgemental, let her know by listening and not reacting as she opens up that she can talk to you about anything and you won't discount her feelings, this was very important for us. Kent thanks, your reply reminds that a seemingly complicated problem or issue does not have to have a complicated solution. p.s. took a peep at your thread last night will be back to visit soon. Peace
Well here's the latest, last night the wife and i stayed on the phone for about 3 or 4 hours, I lost track. It all started with her telling me that she missed me and i inadvertantly said "well why don't you fix it." What followed was not bad. We talked about the pros and cons of us moving back in together. She honestly shared her fears concerning the issue. I shared my feelings and the source of my frustrations. It seems as though she has been dealing with a lot of fear as opposed to faith. I think the turn around point in the conversation was when I shared that the source of my frustration was not the fact that the process was moving as fast as i want it to, but that it appeared that now that we are healing she was reluctant to step out on faith to do what she and i both know and have been taught is God's will. And I'll be a chicken with lips, she very thoughtfully agreed. She then gave me a blow by blow of her feelings concerning the matter. I just listened, and when she asked for feedback I was very careful to just talk about me. I have become acutely aware of how we had in the past inadvertantly discounted each others feelings during our conversations. Here's the kicker; my daughter called my wife today (oldest daughter lives with me) and my wife asked her feelings about moving back in and that they needed to talk about it further because "it is going to happen." This evening wife called and ask me to pleaseeeeeeee come over and spend the night. so here I am, she woke up to answer the door. She is exhausted working full time and just finishing school (which she attends full time also) finals. The house is an absolute mess which makes me very uncomfortable. I she is unconcious almost so i straightened up the kids room and I'm thinking about doing the kitchen, I'm also thinking about putting mike to bed and going home. I do want to give her some support but i do not want to awaken my old codependencey issues either. For the last year before we separated i did all the cooking, cleaning and parenting because she stopped doing anything. whadda ya think ? FEED BACK PLEASE. Ok i'll do the kitchen and that's it. The joint is hurtin'
Maybe she realized just how much you did do and this may have been some of what turned her around.My question is how did you get to this point my W and I have been seperated for 7 months and I know she was having a EA which I think is now over.She seems to get more firendly and she wants to know everything I do but the minute that I start asking her to work on us she says I'm pushing and backs away.Is the only way to settle this to go completly dark or file papers?She says she still doesn't know if there is any hope but she wants more time.Could she just be trying to get over EA?
RANDY, MY ADVISE IS STOP ASKING QUESTIONS, STOP ASKING HER TO WORK ON THE RELATIONSHIP. It took quite a while for us to get to this point of discussion. It sounds like you are seeing the same signs i saw as the transformation was taking place, sounds like she is coming around. It is very important to be patient, friendly, and understanding right about now. She wants to see how you have changed. The secret is to let it take place not control it.
