I can relate to Jamie's words of wisdom. I to have learned to shut my mouth and listen (usually ). I no longer allow myself to automatically react to things W says and does. I had to pull the fuse on my automatic pilot in order to disengage my mouth. I find that thinking about the response often brings me to the conclusion that I need not reply at all. This is a big part of my ability to detatch. Another part is that after what I have gone through emotionally this past year or so, I'm not sesitive to all the B.S anymore. If I see W has had a bad day when I come home, I say "take off for a while". It keeps tension out of the house.
Me2, My W at one point told me she felt it unsafe to share her feelings with me. A big part of it had to do with my resentment of the fact that she was not putting as much into the family and R as I was (my perception then). I think the resentment shows in everything we say and do. I let all those bad feelings go about 5 months ago with one backslide on new years day. Now I try real hard not to judge W and have given up on trying to get her to adopt my standards.
I hate to say it, but this whole horrible journey has really been good medicine for me. I find that I can be happy and now I actually take time to stop and smell the roses.
Me2, I have begun to accept that I probably will not get all the closeness I want from my marriage. I am in the process of separating what I need from what I want. This need/want thing does not just relate to marriage. It encompasses all aspects of my life. I am separating these two as I found it necessary to make myself a happier person.
Think of this post when your expectations start to scream at you that you are unhappy. You may wish to start separating these feelings as well.
Alot, I have not forgotten you. I lost track of you and admit that it is really great to see you feeling so happy.
In your first post you asked what is the most important thing I learned.
Wow, this is tough as there have been so many important things I have learned. I'll start a list.
I am in control of my own happiness. I am Kent 1st, husband 2nd and Dad 3rd. I deserve love and to be treated with respect. My Wife is her own woman with her own standards, no better or worst than mine. My W needs my support and acceptance, not my judgement. The honeymoon should never be over.
Hope I'm not just chatting with myself, although I must admit, I'm pretty interesting.
I've learned that there will be good days and bad. I've learned to cherish the good days, try to observe the details in them in the hopes of recreating them (and just to enhance my enjoyment), and do my best to put the bad days in perspective. It's the big picture and long term that I need to be concerned about.
Last week we saw several groups of people we only see about once a year. When we saw them last year it was really tough. Last year, my H's flirtatious friend noticed and commented right away that he seemed unhappy and tense. This year wasn't perfect by any means but it was so much better. I'm skilled at cheering others on for small progress and recognizing how important any step in the right direction can be. Now I'm learning to do that for myself and for us.
Today was a bit of a tough day. More than the usual number of triggers in the past week, and I've been sick. My H has been helpful at times in helping me deal with triggers which I have appreciated and told him so. One way he did this was to clarify situations and his feelings from the past and that disabled the trigger. I've been trying to be sure that when asking for this type of help, which would be about once a month lately, that my attitude is just right: no blaming, no anger, and very appreciative of his willingness to help. Don't always do well with this but working on it. So, I'll get back on track. Got to stay focused on the fact that things are way better than they were a year ago!
I'm sure many here would advise dealing with those triggers by myself. Often they seem to get worse and worse for me until I talk about them. I don't talk about most of them but sometimes it seems to help to get assistance from my H. It seems like progress. However, my H is highly adverse to any kind of conflict, or seeing me sad, disappointed, angry etc. He becomes terribly depressed and almost never expresses any anger towards me. I worry that helping me out may be more distressing for him than he lets me know. He is, unfortunately, very good at misleading me. I have the opposite problem and am too transparent. It keeps me from getting confused. It is terribly emotionally painful to me to not be genuine.
I have learned over these many months how to contain negative emotions better by understanding my H better. When I look through his eyes, as best I can, then I can genuinely feel compassion and express that. It really does wipe away the bad feelings. Haven't figured out how to use this for triggers. Any wise words or referrals to other postings for this?
ALTL, Switch the sexes around and my W and I could be you and your H.
I'm not sure about what triggers your speaking of. If you wish, clarify some.
I typically use to start my day with a life sucks kinda attitude. I think I set the tone for the entire day and probably my life. I now havew a different little talk with myself each morning. now I make a concious effort to think about how I will make the day special. Just one thing each day.
By triggers I mean reminders of my H's affair, the depth of my self mistrust at being so totally clueless, etc will crop up during the day and blam I'm in a surround sound, 3-D experience. It's getting a lot better but still a problem.
What works best to get over it is when my H helps me through. What works best on my own is 1. breathing, 2. having the best nonchalant attitude I can muster, "this is nothing really new", "just like the last time you realized what was really going on in some experience way back when". etc. 3. patiently waiting for it to pass and 4. finding distractions.
Your way with words makes me smile. Like your make the day special approach!
Alot, I now understand what you mean about triggers. Your not alone. Last night I watched a movie with W. Later, I was getting stuff togather for trash day and started crying a bit. Something in the movie totally unrelated to the situation brought back some of the bad feelings. It's nobodies fault. It just happens. We feel it, squash it and then move forward.
Kent and ATLT...this is kind of creepy-but after reading your posts over the weekend, I can't help but wonder if we aren't in fact in the same relationship.
I can totally relate to your triggers-it seems as though sometimes I am living one continuous trigger. It's still relatively new for me (less than 5 months from the bomb) but the images are still there...not as much-but it depends on what I'm doing, and if he's away for work.
Like Kent said-when I realize them, the images come, sometimes I cry and then do my best to squash them and move on. I try to throw myself into my work at least during the day and since I am in 'learning mode' as a part-time student I try focus on that-however, sometimes it is so NOT possible and it feels like I've lost my mind.....I wish my H would let me know that see this in me more and offer help-he says when he does, but it brings all his feelings of guilt right back up in his face, like you said ALTL-he hates to be reminded of what he did and how much is hurts me/us. He says the right things in therapy...but does not seem to put them into practice when we get home...I know, stop sniveling-at least he's going-I am thankful for that.
This past weekend, during an intimate moment between me and H, I started having bad feelings, a trigger....not really a motivater if you know what I mean-and here lately I can feel H distancing himself from me, to which he says is only my imagination.
At any rate, I loved Kent's list, printed it out-will keep it with me and try to put it into practice....however, I backslided this morning...and on that note I will start a new thread.
Are the triggers/images you receive all negative? Are they all about your H's affairs?
I really don't get many to episodes from my W's previous activities. What triggers me is more of my previous overdependence on W's health and state of mind. I became so dependent on her that I would have sympathy illness when she was sick. If she was down, I was down etc... Not a real healthy situation as I know now. Every now and then (like last night) I find myself slipping back into that old evil pattern. It's gotten to the point that I recognize the feeling when it starts so I can remove myself and deal with it alone.
I still think it's a shame that you can't rely on your spouse to help pull you up. Sometimes they can. Many times, they don't have a clue. Better to deal with the problem on our own than overburden our spouse.
Having a great day so far. Ordered W her bday present, got her a card and enjoyed a little sunshine at lunch. Hey, the tulips and daffodils are breaking ground. Crocus should be blooming in a few weeks.
Yes, unfortunately all of them lead to my H's affair and me envisioning them together. Sometimes not together intimately (but usually) sometimes it's just the time they spent together doing whatever...and the emails/phone calls/letters...during our first separation (years ago due to our jobs) H wrote me at least 2-3 letters a week and sent numerous cards over the six months we were apart-this last time when he was overseas for a year I got 0 letters and only got cards for my birthday, Valentines Day and our Anniversary.(wonder how many OW got?) I sent at least 1 care package a month (baked cookies, candy, stuff from the kids, etc), cards usually every other week or so with pictures and letters....and of course during the last 6 months (after I found out about EA-when he denied PA) we talked every day on IM/email or the phone...I was keeping tabs on him (sorry obsessing here a bit).
I remember one time in particular time (that I am still angry and resentful over...I know, let it go)-we were talking on IM, I had had a pretty bad day and wanted to talk. He told me after a few minutes that he had to go. Seems there was this baseball game he had to go to. I asked him what position he was playing and he said 'oh I'm not playing I just have to be there to support the team'. I was LIVID. I often wonder if it was in fact a game or that OW came up on line. (he's not that fast a typist).
I know that when H sees me looking sad-for whatever reason-he also feels bad because he can pretty much guess why-most times he's right on the money too. For him all his feelings of guilt and self loathing come back and as he's a classic avoider, he pushes them inside himself. He does try to lift me up but he doesn't bring A up and appologize again, he says that because I'm probably already thinking about he doesn't feel he needs to remind me.
And usually all I need is a long hug, to feel him want to hold me and comfort me, most of the time words are not even necessary.
). I no longer allow myself to automatically react to things W says and does. I had to pull the fuse on my automatic pilot in order to disengage my mouth. I find that thinking about the response often brings me to the conclusion that I need not reply at all. This is a big part of my ability to detatch. Another part is that after what I have gone through emotionally this past year or so, I'm not sesitive to all the B.S anymore. If I see W has had a bad day when I come home, I say "take off for a while". It keeps tension out of the house.